Step 7 ~ Make a Dedication

Now is the time where you will dedicate yourself to your healing path. A dedication can be very simple or elaborate, depending upon your abilities and what you feel will work for you.

In the past, I’ve always found it tempting to do great and elaborate rituals, yet I never found those to be useful for me, magically speaking. As a mentally ill person, I never had the mental resources to do more than plan out a ritual. Even that, depending on my state, could be too much. So instead I ended up doing very simple things, such as tying a red string to my finger to remember to use my service dog and to rely upon her instead of trying to be independent.

The point of this dedication is to mark the beginning of your healing efforts -> to yourself. You’ll want it to have two parts. One will be a large piece that will ‘contain’ and ‘radiate’ all the energy and hope you’re putting into this. It will serve to remind you or why you’re doing this, how you’re doing it, and what methods you’re trying to use. Hopefully it will inspire you and encourage you to keep going when the going gets tough. I’m thinking something like a large collage in your home, or even a shelf that you decorate, complete with the deities that you will call upon for healing, etc.But it can be as simple as a picture of a beach or nature or a deity. Whatever works for you.

The second part will be a small piece that you will wear upon yourself or carry with you, to remind you of the commitment you’ve made. It could be a simple bead, a ring, or even a string tied (not too tightly) to your finger. The idea here is a reminder that will accompany you tangibly through your struggles. Again, choose something that will work for you. Maybe an image of a bird, free and flying without fear. Maybe a meditating figure, serene and calm.

So once you know what images or objects, crystals, herbs, etc, you want to use as your two dedication pieces, how do you go about making them? Here’s how I suggest going about it.

1. Design your objects. Take a few days to think on it, sketch it out, and sleep on it. Make sure it’s something that’ll be meaningful, but don’t worry about it not being ‘meaningful enough’. You can always redo this ritual later if you feel it’s not meaningful enough.
   • Pro tip: on the larger of the two objects, plan a space for you to place markers of your successes. It can be a hand to place flowers in, empty space to glue up pictures, etc. Just remember that you will have victories and that you will want to commemorate them, which will help you on your path!
2. Pick a time where you will not be disturbed and feel calm and collected
3. Gather all your materials to your work space
4. Cleanse your space however your tradition dictates. If you have no tradition, I suggest wafting around your favorite burning incense (air and fire) and then to sprinkle salt water around (earth and water). I suggest doing this in a circular motion around the space you will be using, as much as possible.
5. Summon your higher self, deity, mother earth, grigori, etc. Ask them for their aid in performing this ritual. Don’t summon an entire pantheon! Summon just those who you feel called to or who you think are necessary.  If you are unsure of who to summon at all, use a summoning like this “I call upon those spirits or beings who guide and love me, who wish to aid me in my healing path, to be here now and to aid me’.
6. If you feel up to it, cast a circle according to your traditions/beliefs. If you’re not up to it, don’t.
7. Meditate upon what you are going to make, and ask the spirits/higher self how they think it should be done. If you get sudden urges or ideas that seem particularly nice, it could be them speaking.
   • If your inspiration seems overly ‘weird’ or ‘out there’ or bizarre, just don’t do it. In my experience, these were not divinely inspired, just the result of my weird brain doing its thing.
8. Calmly, thank the spirits for their insight and guidance. Trust that they are with you, and begin making your objects without judgment. Remember that this is not a beauty contest. It’s all about the result having meaning and power for you.
9. When you are done (or done for the moment), consecrate the objects. Hold them in your hands (or hold your hands above them) and dedicate them to your healing.
   • For both objects you can say something like “I dedicate this ___ (object one and two) to aid me in my healing, to remind me of my path in healing, and to channel inner guidance to me when I most need it. Please __ (deities or higher self) bless and consecrate it to guide and strengthen me on my path to healing.”
   • If your tradition has specific ways to ‘bring something to life’, you can use those methods. Options are the ‘laying in darkness’ used by the nordic paths to then ‘birth’ the named object into the light, simply naming it and willing it to be awake and ready, or blessign it with the four elements, or burying it out into the earth to then be ‘birthed’  when you dig it up.
10. Thank you deities/higher self and dismiss/say goodbye in whatever formal terms you wish to use. My favorite is ‘stay if you will, go if you must’. If you can’t remember phrases to save your life, a simple thank you and ‘I’m going to clean up now’ works fine as well.
11. Clean your work space. Take the time to put everything away and clean up as much as possible. Don’t consider this a ‘chore’, but see it as part of the ritual, an essential sacred thing. Take it as a chance to see yourself putting order into your world.
12. Now that you have your objects ready to aid and guide you, place them in their dedicated space. You will want to begin immediately keeping the smaller one near you and the larger one in its space in your home.
13. Rest, relax, and return to normal space and frame of mind. Rest, eat ‘cakes and ale’ (something nutritious and something hydrating), and return to your normal state of being.
14. Once you feel grounded and well, acknowledge what you have done. Take stock of it, and realize that now you are embarking onto your path of healing, officially. From this moment on, you are walking that path. Congratulate yourself mindfully.
15. Declare your intention to heal to those around you whom you trust. You can call it ‘putting it out there’ into the universe. Share with them whatever you feel comfortable sharing, be it just your intention to heal, to including how you want to do it and even which healers or doctors you wish to see. Just let them know that you’re trying to heal. It may encourage them to support you in the future, or at least explain what you’re trying to do.

Step 6 ~ Make a Budget

Now this is a step that depends upon your location and what treatment method you’ve chosen. Say, if you live in Canada (like me) and choose to take conventional medicine (like me), you won’t have to pay for most of your medication. However, a budget is still an important thing to have. Suppose you want to also try a natural remedy, such as St John’s Wort (remember to not mix it with medication unless your doctor approves). And suppose, while going to the store, you’re suggested this awesome therapy from a local reiki teacher, and you see a flyer for a funky new kind of yoga and and and… you see where I’m going? Not only do you have to pick and choose your treatment methods, but you also have to set a financial limit.

This can be VERY IMPORTANT if you’re trying alternative therapies. They can get expensive very, very, fast. You can also be desperate and end up trying everything all at once (not recommended either).

So before you pick out what treatment you want to start with, make yourself a functional budget.

Now, if you have trouble doing this, and you’re really not sure how much of what you should be spending where, call for help. Contact a friend, a social worker from the mental health clinic, or at the very least take a sample budget online and adjust it to your means.

But remember -> allocate a reasonable amount towards your mental health rehabilitation. You still need to eat. You still need to pay rent. You can only afford so much, and what you have is what you have. Be reasonable and honest with yourself.

Once you’ve made a budget, again, change your mind. Budgets are stressful, and you may not have a lot of money to spend on yourself. Try doing something free and fun to change your mind. Go to a local library, go for a walk, do some yoga, meditate or pray.

Step 5 ~ Gather Your Resources

Now that you’ve chosen your path of healing, you’re going to do some research. Consider it like a nature walk. Do you just up and randomly drive up to the side of a forest and begin slugging away at it, trying to walk through the thick and thin of it? Of course not (or at least I hope you don’t- it could be private property!). No. As a good pagan, you will first check our where you’re allowed to go and find some nice nature parks. Then you’ll maybe get a copy of a local flora and fauna book to better understand what you’ll be seeing. Then you get proper walking boots and socks and a hat and maybe pick out a crystal to guide you. All this to say -> you get prepared. Pagans are really big on intuition and ‘winging it’, but there’s nothing wrong or un-spiritual about planning. For those of us with mental illness, it can really help and make sure we don’t miss something obvious.

So, first things first. Get a hold of your trusty list of treatment options that you made last step. Grab a new sheet of paper and write them down in the order you want to do them, leaving plenty of space all around to write in your research. I suggest sticking the worst/most stressful thing in the middle, that way you end on a less stressful note.

Now, going down your list, research each option one at a time. Truth be told, this could take a few hours, even a few days. You want to be exhaustive.

But how do you do this? It’s easy to say ‘research’, but for me, that’s overwhelming. So let’s break it down.

Suppose you have are willing to see a doctor. Research on the local doctors. Do you have options with your insurance, or are you tied to a family doctor? If you already have a doctor, and you just have to make an appointment with them, then congrats, you’re done! If not, keep researching on which doctor you feel would best suit your needs.

Suppose you want to try only alternative medicines. Research which ones you want to take. Research what accredited people are near you, such as ayurvedic healers, naturopaths, etc. Write down their coordinates, availabilities, and approximate costs.

If you want to try group talks or similar therapies, research if there is any happening in your area, and consider calling a mental health clinic in order to know more about them.

Here’s a thing: don’t be afraid to call to get more information. If that’s too terrifying, get a friend to do it for you, or try emailing them. Whichever way, get as much pertinent information as you can.

A phone call, or email, could go like this:

“Hi, my name is ___ and I have ___ problems (such as anxiety or obsessions). I am currently researching on treatment options such as ___ (aromatherapy, reiki, etc) that you currently provide. I am wondering if you could tell me more about your services and how you could help me heal.”

One thing to consider, especially for alternative therapies and ‘spiritual’ practices such as reiki, is to ask them if they have any previous experience healing people with your condition. A simple way to phrase this is to say/write something along the lines of “I was wondering if you have any previous experience healing people with my condition, and if you could tell me how those experiences went.”

Again, you don’t need the nitty gritty details. But you do need to know whether they’ve dealt with anxiety/schizophrenia before, or whether they have no clue what to do with you.

Once you’re done with one point, move on to the next. In order for a point to be ‘done’, you should have gathered extra information specifically in regards to your condition (i.e., does the local health clinic offer schizophrenic talk meetings, does the reiki healer accept patients with your condition, etc) (except for a doctor, whose treatment plan will largely depend upon your meeting), gotten their contact method, and know where they are located. Once you’ve done this for your whole list, congratulations, you’re done for this step!

Again, take a breather. This may have been very stressful for you, and acknowledge that. It may also be confusing to have all this information. Acknowledge that as well. For now, don’t try and begin picking out who you want to see first or anything of the sort. Set it aside and forget about it until the next step.

I suggest you change your mind, cleanse your energy, and do a joyful spiritual practice. Offer thanks for the resources you’ve found!

 

Step 4 – Pick a Treatment Method

Now is when you refer back to your self-research you did on how you believe in treating mental illness. Now is the time to figure out how you want to treat yourself.

Start by clearing your mind of things such as fears and anxieties. Don’t let fear make your decisions for you, but rather what you truly believe in. You can do a small meditation, cleanse the air with incense, ring a bell a few times, and ground yourself.

Then, once you feel ready emotionally and your mind is clear, set yourself to this particular task.

Don’t get bogged down in the details of treating your symptoms, such as ‘how do I manage to take the bus?’. Think of the bigger picture here, and of your values.  Answer these questions.

• Do I want to take medication?
• Do I want to be followed by a doctor?
• Do I want to check into a mental health ward?
• Do I want to do therapy, see a psychologist, attend support groups, etc?
• Do I want to try by altering my nutrition intake/diet?
• Do I want to try ‘alternative’ treatments, such as naturopaths, aromatherapy, etc?
• Do I want to heal only via ‘spiritual’ techniques, like aura cleansing, rituals, etc?
• What do I have the means to do?

Once you’ve answered these questions, you should have a better picture of how you want to treat yourself. Now that you’ve made a list of what kind of treatment you want, the time has come to consult your tarot/spirits/inner archetypes.

First, do whatever rituals you feel necessary to dispel any negative energy/miasma that this activity may have caused you, and try and achieve a positive space for your readings. Then, when you feel ready and all your crystals are in place, do readings on your preferred treatment options. Ask them (whoever that is for you, be it deities or your inner selves) what they think about your treatment options.

Again, be honest. Write down without judgement or fear what comes to you. They may very well contradict what you want. Avoid questions fueled from fear and focus on ones that pinpoint which treatment options are best for you and lead to your healing. Questions may be ‘will checking in to the local psychiatric ward help heal me?’ if you are using a yes or no option or a two situation outcome reading, or ‘what is the most plausible outcome on my mental health if I was to check into the psychiatric ward?’.

The important thing is to face the situations here head on. Don’t be afraid of what answers your divination will bring you. Let it flow, and let them say what they have to say, without you judging them.

Then, when you’ve asked about all your possible treatment options, even the ones you’re not fond of, close the divination session. This is important. You want to be the one to make your decisions, not them. You are the responsible one here, and you don’t want a million voices clouding your judgement.

Close your ritual/seance/reading, and take a moment to ground yourself. Close your eyes and relax into a small meditation, or take a brisk walk out of doors if you are able. Whatever method you choose, reground into yourself and who you are. Then, move on to the next step.

Now you will take your choices and compare it to the reading/divination results. Now is the time to acknowledge what terrifies you (you can take a sheet of paper for that as well) but also to compare your thoughts with the wisdom you’ve been offered.

An IMPORTANT NOTE HERE: If your reading feels wonky/inconsistent/unreliable, and unusual to you, -> CHUCK IT. The point being, if it’s not something you’re willing to stick beside and that you really feel is right according to your spirits, don’t use it. Do another reading on another day or get someone else to do the reading for you.

Sometimes we’re too close to the matter to do a reading for ourselves and it gets all jumbled. That’s okay. Sometimes our fears are so strong they cloud the reading and that’s okay too. The important thing it to take a moment and use our discernment here. Is this a reading we are willing to stick by? If no, and it feels weird to you, chuck it. If yes, and it feels like painful truths, then continue.

Now, drawing upon the wisdom of your divinations and your own desires that you wrote down at the beginning of this exercise, make a new sheet. Be fair and take into consideration both what you want, but also what the spirits/inner self thinks is best for you. Really, only you can choose between the two, but you have to make a choice. Lucky you if what you and the spirits wants aligns! But if not, then you’ve got decisions to make.

Once you’ve made the decisions, write them down one by one. Then, stick that to your fridge or somewhere visible. Bring it to your doctor if you want. These are the kinds of treatments you’re willing to try, and that’s your decision for the time being. You’ve chosen your path.

If you’ve gotten this far, good job. If not, good job for trying, take a deep breath, and try again on a better day.

I strongly suggest that you take some time to rest and cleanse yourself emotionally after this. Dealing with treatment options can be terrifying and stressful, so cleanse yourself, shower, go for a nature walk, or nap to resource yourself. Don’t forget to congratulate yourself as well for taking your health into your hands. Good job!

Step 3 – Identify the ‘Problems’

What is wrong? What is not right in your life? What’s bothering you – or others?

Here is the part where you sit down with a sense of responsibility and rake in all the evidence from trusted sources. Too often we think we’re “fine”, but others can clearly see differently. Trusted friends and family are key here. Take their advice, the advice of professionals, and make wise decisions.

But suppose you have no one you can trust? What do you do? How does one gauge if things such as anxiety is ‘really’ a problem or not?

Here’s what I suggest to do, in this order.

1. Well, like with most situations, I suggest heartfelt prayer first.
   • Don’t get caught in trappings of frivolous prayers.
   • Ask for discernment, illumination on the path to healing, and advice.
   • You don’t have to repeat. If you say it with heart once, the gods will have heard you, I’m sure.
2. Once you’ve prayed, do some divination (or better yet, have it done for you so there is less pressure on your shoulders in the interpretation). The idea here is that you’ve asked for stuff to be sent to you (help in discernment, etc), now you’re trying to receive their advice.
   • use your tarot, runes, oracle cards, etc, asking questions such as “what is hindering me mentally?” “What should I focus on healing now?”
   • Remain open to all options. Write down what you receive or intuit, and set that aside.
3. Make a list of what you struggle with or avoid doing daily or even weekly -> in an independent or solitary way. Say you can’t imagine taking the bus alone, but you’re not really hindered because you always have friends to go with you -> you’re still hindered because you can’t do it independently. Choose concrete things, such as taking the bus, going to the grocery store, leaving doors unlocked, etc.
4. Now make a list of what you struggle with mentally. Write down all the niggly things. Anything you think ‘might’ be a problem. Write down even the things that you don’t think are worth taking into consideration, that aren’t ‘such a big deal’.
5. Now compare the two lists. The point here is to realize which mental health problem/symptoms is crippling your daily activity, and to what extent. Look at each thing that’s giving you a hard time in your life (such as taking the bus) and honestly ask yourself what’s the symptom behind that. Is it anxiety? Paranoia? Chances are, if it’s impacting your daily life, it’s a problem that’s worth tackling. Highlight, circle, or make an entirely new list of the problems that affect your daily functioning.
6. Now, compare this list with your divination. Here is where you make a final list of what appears in at least two of these lists. These are your target problems.
7. Rank your problems from most to least incapacitating. Then, also rank them from easiest to hardest to ‘fix’. These will help you make your ‘game plan’ (which is the next post).

But for now, take a moment, have a deep breath, and pat yourself on the back. You’ve discovered what problems you have, and that’s a big step.

Now, these two lists that you’ve finished with are far from a diagnosis. They’re just you targeting things that are problematic for you. I strongly suggest that you take a moment here, with your lists, and try and make sure that you’ve targeted as much the ‘root’ of everything.

Say, for example, taking the bus is difficult for you. Finding the root would be to localize the anxiety, paranoia, or obsession behind this problem. Always look for what is the root.

Mental health problems are like bad weeds -> the roots can be three feet deep, going on and on through different levels of your psyche. But unless you dig up that root, they’ll just keep coming back in different plants/disguises. So, say you’ve managed to conquer the bus but you didn’t treat  your anxiety per se, so instead of worrying about the bus, you worry about taxis instead.

Mental health problems are complex, and there are many layers and complexities to each unique problem. Think again of trees and weeds (because we are pagans and that’s what we do, haha). In a book called ‘the secret life of trees’, Peter Wohlleben shows that trees actually support each other through their root systems, trading nutrition and water (I think that’s what he said anyways, I read the book a while ago). So my point here is that one problem can do just that, feeding off and supporting another (which is called ‘co-morbid’ in psychiatrist speech). So maybe instead of just digging up one problem at a time, it feels like you’re digging them all up at once. This is because they are probably entwined at the root. But just like digging up a nest of weeds, you have to start with one at a time, and dig up the whole plot of messy roots.

So now that you’ve made your lists, I suggest taking a break. Let it go, forget about it. One step is enough per day, in my opinion. Take a cleansing bath, purify and cleanse the area you made your lists in, and change your mind (garden, watch a show, read a book, etc). Focus on other things in your life, such as things that you can still comfortably perform without running up against your mental health problems.

Step 2 – Describe your Worldview in regards to Mental Illness

As a pagan, I can only speak for myself and my own world-view and philosophy. I hope you can draw some things from it to inform your own worldview. So I’m going to tell you what goes through my mind now, when I wonder whether I have a ‘problem’.

I think the first thing to do, before even wondering whether we have a ‘problem’, is to look at how we perceive mental health ‘problems’. Do we even acknowledge that they exist? Do we see them as ‘those people’? Chances are, if you’re not willing to acknowledge that mental illness is a thing and that it’s perfectly normal, you won’t want to see it in yourself.

First and foremost, what is a mental illness? I view mental illness as a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes us problems. That’s it. Why those chemicals are imbalanced can be due to traumatic events, genetics, stress, or whathaveyou.

Now, in my opinion there’s nothing wrong with mental illness in a moral sense. I don’t see it carrying bad ‘vibes’ to it. I don’t see it as a source or symptom of moral ‘sin’ or impurity. To me, it’s a condition like a broken leg, except in the brain tissue. It’s a health care issue like any other. It isn’t a sign of not being ‘close enough to nature’ or ‘zen’ enough. To me, mental illness isn’t an aberration from nature. It’s very natural, just as much as a broken leg and rot and mold are all part of nature. Sickness is part of nature -> but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try and heal it.

I don’t view medication as morally ‘bad’ or aberrations from nature. I view them as being the domain of the gods of healing and science, put simply.  I don’t see a ‘big, evil’ in western medicine when Done Properly. I don’t think that one ‘should’ avoid psychiatric medication, as if it is some sort of ‘sin’ to take it. I think that western medicine, when ‘Done Properly’ in a holistic blend with therapy, psychologists, etc, is very helpful.

So. Now that you’ve read my (very short and concentrated) view on mental illness, I suggest you write out your own. Take a piece of paper or a digital document, and write down

1. what is a mental illness?
2. What causes it?
3. what are its implications in a spiritual/magical sense?
4. How, morally or magically, ‘should’ one try and heal a mental illness? What if that doesn’t work? What then?

You might feel compelled to argue with me, to copy me, or to write something drastically different. But the point here is for you to write what you sincerely believe in. Do you really think that psychiatric medication is a ‘sin’? Good to know. Write that down. It’s going to inform your future choices, so be aware of it.

Now, now that you know what you believe, the next step is to decide if you, according to yourself and only you, have a mental health problem. But that’s the next blog post. For now, pat yourself on the back. You’ve taken time to get to know yourself better, and that’s worth every moment you spent on it.

My (attempted) Program for Paganism and Mental Health Recovery

The other day, someone arrived at my home unexpected and uninvited. It was a relative who had just had their first panic attack. I was not home, but my wife was, and they spoke and relaxed, and the person felt better. The next day they came by to see me and we spoke, relaxed and chatted, and I tried to give them advice on getting better. After they left, however, I felt compelled to keep up my series on mental health. I couldn’t help but think ‘what would I tell a fellow pagan as steps to get better?’. This got my wheels turning, and I finally sat down today to jot down some ideas.

I wish I could make up an awesome 13-step (because why not 13?) reforming program for pagans that would magically cure everyone. Maybe I’ll be able to. Maybe I won’t. But at least I’ll have tried.

What would make a pagan perspective on reforming from mental illness unique? I think there are many ideas involved in paganism that, when applied, make for a completely different perspective on recovery. These may be, but are not limited to: beliefs on magic and magical influences upon the body by external forces and from within, beliefs in external spiritual beings who may influence the person and/or their lives and life events, beliefs in crystals, beliefs in healing through nature, beliefs in ritual practices, belief in Jungian principles, beliefs regarding spiritual purity, and so on and so forth.

When taken into context, these perspectives can really help guide a person’s recovery, and even create a framework within which to recover. But, seeing as paganism is quite diverse and everyone believes differently upon such topics (even within branches) my goal is not to tell someone what to believe in order to get better, but rather to guide them on how to use their own beliefs to get better. I’d like to provide a framework that can apply to most pagans to better their lives and mental health, irrespective of their differing beliefs.

So yeah, I’m going to try and do that. Wish me luck, comment if there’s a particular problem you’d like me to discuss, and let’s do this!

Holocaust Memorial Day~ My Tiny Story

Here in Canada, it is Holocaust Memorial Day. This day hurts me, and I think it should hurt everyone. Not only is this a day of remembrance towards racism and ableism but it is also a day to mourn and be aware, to share our stories.

As some of you know, I live with mental illness. Schizophrenia runs in my family but I have mercifully not been touched by it. I do, however, dissociate into near-psychosis due to my stress disorders (a situation that is now much better than it was before!). I am what you could call a ‘compliant’ patient. I try my best and show positive results. My Grandmother on my maternal side was not. She was schizophrenic, and seen as dangerous. When it came out that she was schizophrenic, she was forcefully institutionalized and given electroshock therapy, among other things. Her newborn child was taken from her for a decade to be raised by relatives. Worse, she was forcefully sterilized. Now, this may not seem like a big thing to us nowadays, but she was a devout Catholic who wanted more children. For her being sterilized was a grand sin.

I know much worse things have happened to others, yet the suffering of my grandmother reaches me intensely. This woman suffered inside and out, being abused physically while being tortured by her own mind. I know much worse would have happened to her if she were in another country, yet it simultaneously blows my mind that there was forced sterilization happening in Canada, who is always portrayed as being on the ‘good side’ of history.

So, while we pray and think of all the Jews and those of ‘less desirable’ ethnicities who were murdered, I would like us to also remember those disabled folks who were murdered and sterilized as well. Myself, I will be praying for their souls to find peace today, and hope you will be too.

Praying the Rosary?

As with so many of my spiritual bursts, it started with a dream. I dreamed of Buddhas and Christian icons, particularly a little wooden one of Jesus, and rosaries. When I woke up I went ‘ah’, and continued on my day.

But I kept thinking of rosaries. And so, the other day, I picked them up and was like ‘okay, what am I supposed to be doing with these?’. Well, as a pagan I wasn’t completely comfortable with them for the longest time, but then the other day I went ‘oh fuck it’, and decided to pray the rosary in the most Catholic of ways.

Well, it was nice. It was comforting, if a bit difficult to manage all the prayers and themes off the cuff like that. But I liked the structure. So I decided to keep doing it, along with reading the book from the Dalai Lama that I’m working on.

Now, I’m still pagan. But praying the rosary feels like coming home, making peace with the Catholic faith in a way. Integrating it into my daily spiritual life.

You see, my family has a long history of Catholicism. One of my grandmothers (that I never met) used to send my family prayer cards and plastic rosaries (even glow in the dark ones!). I kept and still have all the prayer cards, and was delighted to see that I still have a blue plastic rosary. She used to send blue ones for the boys and pink ones for the girls. How I ended up with the blue one is strange, but I think of it as a nice sign. Maybe she approves of my transition.

In any case, I was sifting through Catholic stuff online, thinking of those prayer cards she used to send when it struck me that -> not all my ancestors were pagan. I know, duh. But the ones that are the closest to me, who probably care about me the most, were Catholic.  Now they weren’t blind Catholics. Many practiced tarot and had their own opinions, but remained Catholic in their self-definition. Anyways, it just struck me that praying the Rosary and collecting prayer cards could be a lovely way to connect with those ancestors.

I mean, there’s got to be a reason that I have so many rosaries. I’ve got like five -> and I never set out to collect them or even keep them. It just happened.

Anyways, I’m not quite sure what to make of this development, honestly. I’m just going with what feels good right now. What’s odd is that my patron deity (Lucifer) seems plenty happy with this turn of events. And what also strikes me as odd is how satisfying it is. I’ve always felt that within paganism there is a lack of order, discipline, and depth. But delving into Catholic stuff, I feel that order and depth that I’ve been looking for. It just feels like so much of what I’ve been looking for from paganism is there in Catholicism. Which is strange.  But hey, I’m really not going to overthink this. I have enough on my plate emotionally right now that I’m just going fuck it. If it feels good and makes me feel better I’m going to do it. Which, coincidentally, the rosary has been doing. I find that because it has such an opening and a closing with the sign of the cross, it helps me get in and out of a meditative state relatively okay. Or so I feel.

Anyways who knows. Maybe this will be another of my strange bursts that makes very little sense. Maybe it’ll pass. Or maybe this is a new way to connect with my ancestors. Either way, there’s this song from the Notre Dame theater production that I’ve had stuck in my head for two days now. For those who don’t speak french, it’s a song about the gypsies asking for refuge in the city of Paris from Mother Mary (Notre Dame). It feels timely for me.

Author’s Rant!Communication is Key!

Oh my goodness folks! I wish I was posting what I’d written, instead of the beginning of the story! Because oooh something has happened and I’m all ‘ErmahGerd!’. Much excite! Much squeals!

It’s dramatic. It’s juicy. It’s – aghhh. I want to tell y’all but I don’t want to spoil anything!

That being said, I think this shows me that I really do love having immediate feedback when I write, as well as getting to squeal over the developments with y’all. But! You have now all met the seer. What do you think of her?

I remember when I began writing this story, I was surprised by the main character’s autism. I was shocked again by the introduction of the seer, another person who is disabled. They were interesting and fun to write, completely out of the norm (and that’s really my favorite thing to write!). Through the seer, I understood the plot of the story.

Y’all, the WHOLE BACKSTORY of this novel is wound up with that seer. I didn’t know any of this until I wrote her parts and I was all ‘ohhh, that’s how this story happened’. At least, that’s what I was revealed then. The story isn’t finished yet. Who knows? Maybe I was wrong. But so far, everything is adding up. I just hope it’s got a satisfying ending to it.

Which brings me to another point about this story. Holy crap -> nothing gets explained, does it? I’ve just wound up a section and wow, there’s this magical city and like, fuck all is explained about it. Why it does the things it does? Nope, no explanation. Just – it does what it does. That’s it.

I mean, as the author I understand how it works, but it’s like the story doesn’t ‘need’ or ‘want’ it explained. It’s just… not part of the story’s ‘vibe’ for it to be explained. It’s somehow all ties in to the theme of communication and speech in this story. It’s like, unless the characters go out of their way to communicate (and even when they do) communication and understanding is just – shaky at best? No one, no one, and No One in this story understands and knows the same things as each other, all due to communication! It’s like everyone has their own small perspective of things, and no one ever gets the full picture – because no one can fully communicate with each other. Agh! This is massively frustrating!

I never thought of how frustrating it must be to have speech impediments. Now that I’ve worked on this story and seen how the main character just never gets understood – I think it must be exhausting. Like a clamp on the spirit that you can never outgrow or move beyond. So restricting! It must be exhausting to live with!

Anywho, how are y’all finding the characters so far? The story? What do you think of the White Clouds? Give me your thoughts!