How I Feel, aka Fuck This Shit

It has been some time that people have been telling me that I lack confidence. That I lack the pazzazz and strength I once had. That’s unfortunate, because when was this mythical time that I was confident and secure in myself? Was it before my mental illness busted over me like a water balloon? Was it before some awful trauma happened to me?

No. It was before I realized I was transgender.

Mind you, I still had intense body issues then – I was just busy ignoring them. I was non-functional but I would readily argue everything and anything with all my breath. I was proud of who I was – and willing to defend myself.

And then I realized I wasn’t where I wanted to be. I wasn’t ‘who’ I wanted to be. I confronted my bodily issues, and instead of covering up and hiding what was there, I tried to ‘transition’ towards the body that I wanted. I tried, an esoteric person would say, to ‘manifest’ it.

Well bummer. I’ve never been more insecure as all the years since then. And people have noticed. Yes, I am more comfortable with my body. I feel truer to myself and like I am actually reaching for goals that are true to my soul. But… was it worth it?

Before, in my ignorance, in my bliss, I was confident and brave. Now, I am not. I actually consider giving up on my transition and just living the rest of my life in drag and just ‘being a woman’.

Why? What made such a dramatic shift in me?

I think the answer is inherent to the way that ‘transgender’ is viewed in the public, and of many things that are inherent to it.

See, in the public perception, we see transgender as being these super beautiful people that ‘pass’ super well. Super hot guys are held up as models of FTM success, and super beautiful women with makeup on perfectly as models of MTF success. So that, inherently, is how a transgender person feels they should be. But, incidentally, that’s exactly the opposite of how transgender people naturally look. Because let’s face it. A lot of us probably look like the sex we are born into (I look like a woman) and maybe we’re not hot, so we look like frumpy and dumpy versions of that sex. I, quite honestly, am fat. A fat woman with big breasts and big hips and yuck. I don’t like myself. I’ve been constantly gaining weight ever since discovering my trans identity and guess what? I’ve gained so much weight now it’s getting to be a health concern (in my opinion, not a medical one). I’m quite sure I am technically obese now.

The point is, were I a beautiful trans advertisement of what awesome trans-ness looks like -> I would be this awesome epically buff buff muscly guy with a shaved head and busting biceps. I’m not. I don’t pass no matter three years of intensely trying to pass. No matter my trendy man-styled hair and mens’ clothes and trying to lift weights -> I. Don’t. Pass.

Where does this leave me? It leaves me feeling like I am not trans ‘enough’. That I need to get in shape, that I need to become more and more masculine! That I can’t wear eyeliner.

And the problem is, when discovering a new identity, when unveiling something so private and close to yourself, you want to be the truest to it -> and everyone tells you how to do it. Because ‘this is what trans looks like’ apparently. Super successful ‘passing’ people.

And you know what else? There’s a majoy shift in something else when you are transgender. Suddenly your gender depends not on you, but on other people’s perceptions of it.

WHAT? What do I mean? Trans-ness is all about self-identifying!

Yes, but getting people to identify and respect it is all about their perceptions of you. And because this is something you really care about, you want to succeed. You want to nourish this new part of yourself. For me, I want people to call me ‘he’. So how do you do that?

Well, trans-ness is not visible. So who knows if you’re trans unless they just take your word for it? Who will suddenly start calling you by your proper pronouns? The people who can see the results in some way. Strangers to whom you ‘pass’.

And don’t just tell me that wearing the proper clothes will do it. I’ve been wearing men’s clothes since about ten years now in general and can count the number of time I’ve been gendered properly on one hand. I don’t know if this is a particularly FTM problem, but I bet it’s fucking difficult for MTF’s too.

So clothes doesn’t do it. And you know what? Telling people doesn’t do it either, half the time.

Because you’re not enough. Because, if you don’t fit their perception of masculinity, you bet they’re going to question it. I’ve had very accepting and loving people challenge me on it, because I’m too ‘feminine’ in my presentation. Most people believe that it has to do with how I present, therefore they’re waiting for me to magically (with hormones) appear masculine enough for them to address me as ‘he’.

But fuck!

It doesn’t work that way. I’m feminine. I like high heels. I feel like slaying when I wear eyeliner. Does any of this help me ‘pass’? No. So you know what I’ve tended to do? Throw out my eyeliners and heels. Heels have started giving me massive dysphoria simply because of people’s perceptions of them.

And you know what else? The concept that trans people are going to magically transition into a socially acceptable version of their gender is ableist. Because you know what? You have to be mentally stable in order to get on hormones. Which I am not. Which many people are not. Which really hurts, because I don’t see myself as ‘completed’ or ‘there yet’ or ‘truly myself’ until I get on them. But will I ever be stable enough to do that? Will I ever get there? Who knows?

What I do know is that I have a lot of self-work to do. I’ve been repressing myself, unknowingly, by trying so hard to be true to myself. Isn’t it weird? Ugh.

So how do I start fixing this? With eyeliner, apparently.

Bitch, I’m slaying.

 

 

“Well that was Predictable…”

Ladies and gentlemen! Beware, rant incoming! I know, I know, I try and keep this blog useful and on topic. Rants generally don’t have their place on my blog, or I try not to anyways. So if you don’t want to read a rant, look away. Otherwise enjoy the ride…

Because Holy Fuck people can be enraging.

Let me explain. I, inconspicuous and easily happy I, was thinking ‘oh hey, let’s go and meet some new people!’. Of course I meant online (who am I to meet people IRL, right? Ah ha ha, the thought of being actually sociable…).

And LO! Be-FUCKING-HOLD -> Idiots!

What did I do? How did I summon them? Did I do some Satanic sex magic ritual? Did I … I don’t know. I can’t think of doing something sufficiently stupid to summon this level of ignorance.

Because woe and woe upon me… I typed “gender neutral” into wordpress’ search bar.

W-O-E.

The first (FIRST, like what the HELL? No warning, no nothing!) FIRST article to pop up was *drumroll * infuriating. Forgive me, I read it. Me, all in a good mood, lackadaisying along and happily expecting some transgender inclusive happy morale-boosting self-affirming something pleasant to read.

“Well, that was predictable…” said one of my friends when I told them I’d fallen across a rampaging Christian religion-splaining about the woes of gender-neutral terms.

Allow me, grant me this pleasure, or dance with me, whatever you will… I’m going to rip this article apart. Because that’s what I do when I’m angry.

So! Behold! This is the article -> https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/72317554/posts/5463

And no, I am not asking anyone to spread hate upon this person. I just put the link there so anyone who is curious can read what I am talking about and judge for themselves.

This is my answer ->

One Angry Polytheist Wiccan’s response to “Introducing Gender-Neutral Pronouns. What Did We Expect?”

Well, straight off the bat, the article starts with a ‘y’all’, which I kind of like. I like ‘y’all’, and so I’m happily reading along as the author says that her local college tries to impliment gender-neutral pronouns. And then…

“They have basically invented these words as legitimate gender-neutral pronouns. 

These new “words” include “ne,” “ve,” “ey,” “ze,” and “hir.” ”

To which I say… uh, yeah. That’s how words happen. We invent them. You got a problem with that? Or just with invention in general?

Moving along…

“This pamphlet provides information for students on how to respectfully interact with their transgender classmates and it urges them to ask everyone which pronoun they would like to be referred by.

Oh my goodness, guys. I read that piece of information and the first thought I had was how badly that could backfire….

Just picture an acquaintance coming up to you and asking you this: 

“Hey, so do you want me to call you he, she, or you know like, ve, ne, or ey?”

That honestly seems like it would be a very awkward experience to me.”

No, actually, it’s not. It’s what we in the liberal community call ‘polite’. It’s basics. It’s respectful. Imagine being misgendered right off the bat by someone and having to correct them. Trust me, it’s embarrassing for everyone. Wouldn’t it be better if they simply were polite and did what they ought to do and simply ask?

Which, alright. At this point I can say “Ok, you just really aren’t used to being around gender-deviant people, are you?” and I can forgive someone not understanding the NEED (not want, NEED) for these sort of discussions in the public sphere. But then THIS had to be written.

“It really is sad. People believe this lie about who they are and where they find their identity, and something as concrete as the gender you are born with is no longer supposed to be concrete. People are being completely deceived, and this deception is being celebrated and normalized”

Uh… I had to reread this twice. I was like… wait a minute… and I reread it again… and then I was PISSED.

What the hell is sad about people affirming who they are based upon their brains’ innate needs? What is wrong about people being true to themselves, to what they know is their inner truth? And in case you never read a history book or looked at other cultures – gender has never been tied solely to what you were born as. Just look at some Native American cultures where gender was based upon a child’s choice of tools in a test. Just look at the vikings who had the ergi, castrated men who performed magic. Just… look at the world outside of your bubble and you’ll see it’s full of variety. Plus, you’re completely negating the existence of intersex people. They exist. They are mutilated and forced into fitting the gender binary at birth. How horrible is that?

But oh no! The real danger is worrying about an awkward conversation and brrr – new words (oh, what a horrid concept!). I remember that one hated figure who invented a whole wallop of words… what was his name… Hitler? No… Shakespeare! Hitler actually suppressed the LGBT community, by the way, as well as the mentally ill and epileptic  (but let’s not focus on the historic issues at hand here but rather on how un-com-for-tah-bul it is to have polite conversations!).

They continued by saying…

“No one is getting HELP. No one is being counseled. No one is being told the truth.”

Which I found really ironic, because the process of changing gender is commonly called ‘getting help’ and includes meeting with counselors and therapists, and facing your own inner truth. So when I read this I was really, really, confused. I seriously wondered if the author knew what she was talking about, or was trying to make double-entendre all over the place.

And then it got better (we hit the rotten core of this poop-fest!)

“Sin, right, wrong, and truth are taboo concepts in our culture. But as Christians we know they exist and we can’t go against what God’s Word says.”

Oh bugger. As someone who studied just a tad bit at university about the evolution of Christianity… I feel like asking ‘and what exactly do you think God’s word says’? Because, you know, it does seem to mean a whole lot of different things to a whole lot of different people. Do you believe that we ought to encourage the rape-marriages and slavery as is dictated in the Hebrew Bible? Or what? Because really, if we come to the facts of it all, it’s a text that was written and edited by people for political gain and power.

As a polytheist, I do believe that for the followers of this Yhwh-istic tradition meaning and inner truths can probably be found within a text held to be sacred for your deity. But to insist this text affect the lives of others? That’s just fucking rude. And the fact is that we live in a world of varied interpretations, varied UPG (unverifiable personal gnosis) and who know, maybe even aliens.

Of course, the author tried to end this all on a motivational note (HAH!)

“Speak the truth. Don’t jump on the bandwagon of accepting and embracing sin. We have to be emboldened by the Word of God and find our courage in His truth.

Even if the cost is far more than we want to give.”

Yeah. Because you, you cis-heteronormative person, you deal with harrassment on a daily basis just for being white and cis, don’t you? You literally get rocks and beer bottles thrown at you for the way you look. You have people debate whether you exist ‘according to god’s word’. You have almost an entire nation (I’m looking at you, US) rallying against transgender rights due to an angry orange-inado.

Because let’s focus on the real victims here. It’s not the people who were victims of the Holocaust for merely living according to their inner truths (transgenders, LGBT, Jews, etc), who have lived on the fringes of society for hundreds of years. It’s really, really, the mainstream Christians who are suffering because they’re being asked to be fucking polite.

Who knows? It might be the first time in their lives they’re being asked to do such a thing. Wow! How oppressive!

And you know what? If someone thinks I’m being rude about this article, I’m just going to quote the author and say “Introducing Gender-Neutral Pronouns. What Did We Expect?” Because what do you expect? Us to stand idly by as we are insulted, belittled, and told that we are against religious text? Oh, dear Lucifer, no!

Angry Rant About Masculinity

A-right minions, hellraisers, and peaceful peoples! I’m angry about something (kinda, as angry as I get in my peaceful ways) and I’m here to rant about it! So beware, rant incoming!

And behold all ye ‘manly manly urk urk’ men as I so fondly call them … Lock up your beards! Lock up your spines! Because your fragile masculinity is going for a ride!

Now. Let me give y’all some backstory here (because all great rants come with backstory). Yesterday, I, peaceful doo-de-lallying me was all happily surfing on the internet (while it’s still free) and saw that someone I knew from high school had shared a video. A video pretending to know what was ‘really’ wrong with millenials.

Now, I knew this person had slightly racist and probably homophobic views. But what the hell, I thought. I’ll be the fish that bites.

O. M. G. *cue pagan rage and decent amounts of fire wielding.

Just get this. Just this. Apparently, when a person ensures hardship, their once-crappy DNA ‘activates’ and becomes all superheroic and worthy, producing healthy manly manly urk-urk offspring. However, this person claimed that if a person did not endure hardships they produce… ta ta ta-dam! ‘effeminate men’ and basically unworthy gay peoples.

WOW. Like, alright. Well, the person who shared that video is now unfriended and banished off my facebook page.

First of all, well, if ‘hardships’ ‘activates’ DNA, then really, us mentally ill people must be the most ‘activated’ people on the planet. We must be glowing with radioactivity and so levelled-up we’re about to bust out of the stratosphere or something. Because, really, your mind is what determines the difficulty of what you’re experiencing. And mental illnesses push a person to the boundaries of their resilience and often beyond. So yeah, we must be superheroes now (sarcasm). Oh, and let’s not forget that this means that refugees must also be superbly activated too!

Second of all – ‘effeminate men’. Like, what’s the problem with them? Did this dude really think makeup and beauty standards were an invention of the modern era? The vikings were allowed to be homosexual with their slaves (just not on the ‘receiving’ end of male affections). The Japanese samurai had male lovers. Like, really? Did this dude (because, of course, it was a dude with an ugly [manly manly so urk urk!] beard spouting this nonsense) not ever crack open a history book?

Well! Allow me to do so for you!

Alexander the Great (minor historical figure) was flamingly gay. In Ancient Egypt (a minor civilization that made some small pointy monuments) men wore makeup and shaved. In ancient Japan and China men wore makeup as well! GASP! It’s almost as if men weren’t always constrained to brutish roles in society (akin to gorillas).

But wait! I’m not done with your fragile masculinity yet! Did you know that eunuchs existed in ancient China and were given respected roles? Like, men weren’t always defined by their penises? Did you know that the oh so brave manly manly vikings had male slaves they could have sex with? Did you know that the also so manly manly celts were known to be bisexual (to the horror of the romans). Oh wait! Did you know that computer science was created by a gay man (Alan Turing)? Also, if you’re wondering if gays can be as brutal and brutish as hetero cis men, know that the head of Hitler’s SS Ernst Rohm was flamingly homosexual (and killed for being too powerful). Coincidentally, Hitler was also rumored to be gay because of his very close relationship to Ernst.

A-right, but here’s the kicker! Ancient Sumerians, who invented a thing called ‘writing’ were shaved. Effeminate, one would even say.

So wait, the dawn of history, some of the greatest inventions, some of the greatest conquests, the writing you read and even the computer you read it on – it’s all due to gay and/or effeminate men?

Now if I wanted to be nasty I would say this:

It seems like the brutish urk-urk manly men of history have contributed little aside from war and brutality, as they have been so busy being constrained by their gender roles.

But that would be nasty and pointless to say. The truth of the matter is that perhaps this dumb-ass notion of ‘manly manliness’ wasn’t so crucial to many people and that what constitutes manliness has changed over time (oh go figure). Maybe people, like the Ancient Egyptians, weren’t so concerned with fulfilling their gender roles as they were concerned about upholding Ma’at (order) and being generally good people and getting things done. Maybe we need to stop clinging to this undefinable notion of ‘manliness’ and realize that gender expressions are fluid and that, really, it is our hearts and not our beards or genitalia that are weighed when we are dead and presenting ourselves before the Egyptian gods. It is our actions, not our gender expression, that truly matter.

So shove your dumbass ugly un-preened and flea infested beard somewhere that the sun doesn’t shine. Or better yet, get a comb and some hair conditioner and learn how to take care of it for once in your short life.

One final point- if you are still convinced that scruffy viking-ish beards (fleas and bad preening and all) are a sign of manliness, just know that many women can grow that beard too. We just don’t do it to protect your fragile sense of self-worth.

What? Bearded women? It’s true. I know women who have more beards than some men do. But the men are the ones who take their flimsy beards as a massive symbol of power, while the women simply shave or wax. It’s weird, this notion of manliness and superiority. It, quite frankly, is fragile due to its falseness and toxicity for those who cling to it.