Chaos & Kuryo (novel 3) Chapter 16 Part 1

Chaos POV

I was standing against the pews, my entire body tingling from the after-effects of the holy water. The evil me version ‘nun’ was still standing before me with that metal cross. Several nuns had now amassed behind her, terrified and clutching their rosaries. Then the mother superior arrived.

She was portly, short, and out of breath. “Goodness!” she exclaimed at the sight of me. “Goodness, goodness!”

Ah, I thought smugly. A genteel and kind ol’ lady. Good.

“I-” I said, just as she drew out a small bottle from her sleeve, dabbed her fingers against it, and flicked at me.

I got holy water in my mouth. IN ME. That burns, okay? Frickin’ nuns. I choked and gagged, the stuff burning me from the inside out.

“Oh! Oh my!” the mother superior trembled, then steeled herself. She lifted her chin and looked to the nun version of me, who was looking downright evil with that cross. “This is your demon!” the superior exclaimed.

All other nuns nodded, murmuring. Evil religious me nodded, lips pressed together. “It certainly has taken on my countenance.”

“And you found it,” said the mother superior, looking at me up and down.

I, finally able to breathe, straightened on the pew and tried to speak again. “Sephira-”

“Hush, demon!” said the mother superior, flicking blessed water at me again.

AH! AH! I tried to shield myself with my arms. My rosary glinted in my grasp. On a gut feeling, I waved my rosary at them. “Look!” I exclaimed. “I’m not evil!”

They stared. I gulped. “I’m just – allergic – to – water!”

The mother superior’s eyes narrowed. She held out her hand. “Give me your beads, child.”

Child, that was a good sign, right? She was getting all matronly with me. I held out my beads, but kept them in my grasp. She fingered a bead and the moment she did a black cloud oozed out. Because why the fuck not?

“The touch of the devil!” she gasped, drawing back with a jump. Evil me lifted that cross and I cowered.

“Don’t!” I yelped.

They paused.

“I’m- I’m here for the Sephira,” I said. “I’m looking to meet her.” I glanced around. “I’m trying to redeem myself.” Because why not? It was close enough to the truth, actually.

The nuns gasped. Mother superior frowned. “You want to join our order?”

“No!” I yelped. Who’d want that? “I’m looking for the Sephira!”

The mother superior sniffed and drew herself up. “We are the order of the Sephira. Our aim is to commune with her.”

Oh. I looked around at the nuns. “Does it work?” I asked stupidly.

“Mother superior!” squeaked a tall nun with a shrill voice. “You cannot be thinking-” and she seemed to suffocate on the thought, making her sentence somewhat questionable.

Mother superior drew herself up. “I am.” She looked solemnly to evil me. “This is your demon. I have long since felt you were ready for a new challenge. Your indomitable spirit rivals the best.” She extended a hand to me. “Care for this demon. It is your new charge.”

Evil me squinted their eyes at me. I just fish guppied. “No, no. I-”

“Silence, demon!” the mother superior intoned. For good measure, she flicked holy water at me.


She thrust out a hand to evil me. “Hand over your rosary!”

The beads were handed over without a question. Fingering them, the mother superior glared me down. “Demon, step forward!”

“Uh, I don’t think so,” I said, squishing back against the pews. “In fact, maybe I’ll go-” and I slipped backwards in the space between the pews, reaching for the black box.

The mother superior threw the rosary at me. I ducked, falling backwards as I tripped over the kneeling thingie and caught myself on the back of a pew, mid-sprawl.

Well, you wouldn’t fucking believe it. It shouldn’t have worked. But somehow, the rosary flew like a lasso (get it? A trap!) I snatched at it as the thing soared straight for my head (that nun had a good future as a cowboy in her next life).

Fwoomp. I felt the rosary land around my shoulders like a weight. Felt the crucifix land in my hand with a burning hiss.

I shrieked like, well, whatever. I shrieked. My hand was on fire and I just knew that something very, very, bad had happened.

So the World Didn’t End? Story Rant

Well, thanks again to my muse who brain-waved the solution into me, for the world as we know it didn’t end in Chaos and Kuryo’s story!

Yes, I’d gotten another dream the other day! This one was scant, but it was just the idea of Kuryo being trapped in the nameless villain’s mind. And when I woke up I was like ‘uhh, I guess?’ and I wasn’t sure how that would work. I wasn’t sure I was going to use it at all, because it made no sense to me. But now that I wrote it, it worked!

It’s amazing how this story is working out. It continually blows my mind (poof!) and makes me very happy that it’s working out in a way that suits itself.

I’ve got to say though, I thoroughly enjoyed torturing Chaos. They really are the one character that I just loooove to antagonize and make as unlucky as possible! I was evil-giggling the whole time I wrote about Chaos getting whacked around by a very vengeful spirit. Y’all, I have so much evil-giggling about to happen if things go as planned for Chaos (heheheh).  I’m not going to tell you what, but ahahahaa! Evil things are planned.

But what about the Kuryos? I’m pretty excited to see how things are going to turn out for them, and what happens to Suzy. But mainly, now that the main Kuryo is trapped, we get to meet that villain for good! I have to say, I’m pretty curious to get to know them. I honestly don’t know much about them, and have been pretty excited to meet them and explore their character.

So yep, that’s it for now peoples! I might do another blog post about mental health and stuff today, but this is all I’ve got to say about my story. 🙂 I hope y’all are doing well and I look forward to hearing your thoughts and comments, and to read all of your lovely blog posts! Don’t be afraid to tag me if there’s something you really want me to read/want particular feedback on!


B-B-B-But What Happens NEXT?! (Spoilers and Frustration)

AHHHH! If you’ve at all been reading Chaos’ novel, you know that we’ve now come to ‘the hostage situation’, aka the part that is directly taken from my dream.

Y’all, I’ve been SO EXCITED and dreading this scene all at the same time. Mainly because, yeah, epic scene and wahhh and all that, but – what happens next?

Y’all, I’m really torn. If you’ve read ‘Blue Crow Rising’ (but I don’t think any of you have), you’ll know that it’s a bit of a ‘groundhog day’ kind of story. As in, things get undone and Kuryo keeps trying to fix things and he keeps getting shipped back in time to try it over. It happens several times to him and Charr.

So it would totally fit that, indeed, Evil Kuryo does kill everyone and send them all back in time to a pre-everything universe. It would just be, oh I don’t know, Fucking Nerve Wrecking for this author over here? I mean, I’ve built up several books of plot and then bam! This character is like “Hey bitch, I’mma undo all your hard work because I want my happy ending. Watch me.”

And I’m just standing here, holding the pen and shaking in my boots. Y’all!

I mean, with my author’s spidey-senses, I feel like something in the middle is going to happen. A sort of undoing but maybe not completely. But- that still sounds like a heck of a mess.

Why can’t I have a nice and basic story that moves in a straight line, I ask?! Not that I find those at all fun to write, but hey. A little less winding would be cool too.

I mean, theoretically, zipping back in time might be a great way to have that happy polycule come back into the story, too. But what about the academy? And Chaos’ plotline? and Charr?

I’m just confused y’all. Part of me wants this story to just end so that I can finally see the big picture and start tying it all back together. Part of me feels like I’m on a circus ride and I’m being made into the clown of the show. Undoing the plot? Again? Wouldn’t that just – invalidate everything? Just thinking about it is making me a bit frustrated, to be honest. This story feels like it’s going on forever and has got no spine guiding it.

I mean, I know deep down that this story will probably all tied in neatly together, all on its own. Because that’s what it’s done up until now. Suspiciously, this story has worked itself into neat little knots and not made too much a mess of itself (at least I don’t think so, too much).

But then, part of me feels like I’m an idiot who’s going nowhere, following a random story that keeps generating itself on and on, never ending. I doubt that’s the case. Kuryo’s arc had a very neat ending to itself. But still… I’m… unsure? Not annoyed, but hesitant?

I dunno. Maybe I just need to see where the story goes from here and just let it happen. And hopefully that won’t take another three novels to finish! Or if it does spawn more novels, does it really matter? I mean, I’m having fun, the story is pretty fun (I think) and some people seem to be enjoying reading it. So I guess I should just relax and let things go on their way.

But still… evil Kuryo, I hope you don’t take us all back in time. At least not all the way, please?

Lots of love y’all! Take care and, if you do read my stories, thanks so much for reading! I appreciate it very much 🙂 !


No Chaos?! \O.O/ Where is Chaos?

No Chaos here, no Chaos there – it’s like *gasp * things got organized!

Hahaha, let me laugh at my own joke!  Alright, seriously though, where is Chaos?

I uh, I don’t know (so insightful, right?). I’m just the author! I’m not really the one in charge around here!

Well, let me explain. I’ve been well and not these past few days. Half the day goes well, then half the day not so much. But ah! Let us be thankful that there is at least that much. I am glad for the progress that I’ve done, and for the stuff that’s getting done around my home. Like, for example, I’ve moved the last of our chord of wood from the front porch to the back lawn of our little home. Now I can sit on the front porch and enjoy the sun. 🙂

But what about the writing?! Where is Chaos?!

Well, I’ve been writing, very well actually. I’ve been doing about two thousand words a day at least, if not more! And the plot is going so well and the characters are behaving and *gasp!* it’s going well!

It’s just not in Chaos’ story. Nope, I’ve been working on Ranger’s story. It’s a story that I’ve ranted about before, and it really means so much to me. I’m so so glad that it’s coming along well, but I also feel bad for you all. I have been trying to get around to Chaos’ story, but Kuryo’s part is just – gah.  I’m not sure. I’ve written a bit, but I’m not sure I’ll keep it. I might post it after this, just like I might write more tonight. But as of now, there’s no fun and juicy bits for y’all to read!

So I’m sorry. My apologies, y’all.

I’ve also been working on that fuckin’ new story. Y’all, I’m getting frustrated with it. I keep writing, thinking that I’m on to it, that it’s about to start flowing, and then bam! I don’t like it. It’s just not right. I like to think that I’m getting closer but eh. I’m not sure. I definitely need a sort of jump-start or some sort of insight/butt kick to get this story working. It’s just not right yet. I’ll get there, I’m sure… eventually?

Anyways, here is a (spoiler free) picture I’ve drawn for Ranger’s story. I call it (very poetically) ‘Dancing with your Demons’. Like I’ve said before, I’m not going to be posting this story in the raw, it’s just too complicated and might require lots of editing (and I care too much about it to share it in ugly form). That being said, I WILL post free chapters of it once it’s done!

So, here below, we see Ranger in her natural element, that is, surrounded by the strange spirit that lurks around her. Who is this spirit? What does it want? Why does Ranger like it? Gasp! Tension! Drama! All that and more… brewing in this future book! (which remains unnamed, btw)ranger monster1.jpeg

So, I’m off to continue hacking away at this keyboard and trying to be a writer. You all take care! Have lots of rest and drink water 🙂

A New Story?! (SPOILERS)

Hey everyone! Today was a good day. I wrote a bit on Chaos’ story – after trying and failing to write a short story for y’all. Sorry? I’ve had this idea of writing a funny series of short stories based off of quarantine life, but I just can’t seem to do it.

After writing about Chaos, I got completely side-tracked by another project of mine that’s been stewing in the back of my head for about a month.

Now I spent about a good hour and some odd trying to write, but no! Nothing was written and kept.

I did, however, draw out one of the main characters.  Behold, Belle’at.

dark elf1

Why such a weird name? Well, a certain amount of time ago (a month? Longer? I don’t remember) I had this dream about a dark elf and an orc (and smooshie smooshie stuff ensues). But then (gasp!) I explained the dream to my wifey and she was all ‘oh, like a retelling of Beauty and the Beast’. Y’ALL. I just – OMG. I MUST. A Beauty and the Beast retelling? OMG.

Y’all have to know that Beauty and the Beast is me and my wife’s movie. It’s ‘our’ Disney movie. It wasn’t my favorite Disney movie as a child, but it was the one I held on to as my parents divorced. It just stuck with me after that. So to do a retelling of it? OMG!

So all that to tell you that the character got named Belle’at because it can be shortened to ‘belle’ (ba dum tiss).

Yeah, I’m that author that adds apostrophes and random sounds onto names to make them sound ‘fantasy’. You’re welcome, haha.

Anyways, as I listen to huge amounts of cheesy music, I’m brewing on this story. Hopefully, I’ll even get another dream on it soon. And then (drumroll) the retelling shall begin!

But for now I’m just going to listen to cheesy music and hope the words will flow. Y’all, I’m at over 5 pages of attempts at beginning this story. I just can’t seem to find the right beginning for it.

Maybe, just maybe, I’ll break down and try ‘once upon a time’… And see how that goes haha. After that, I’m out of ideas!

Chaos & Kuryo (novel 3) Chapter 14 part 1

photo of brown concrete buildings
Photo by Min An on

Kuryo POV

Suzy was crying. Again. My head was pounding from ‘why not’ essence. Because why wouldn’t I still have a headache?

“Suzy, suzy, it’s okay,” I murmured to myself, only half-asleep. I’d slept, brainstormed and slept and now had just given up on some brainstorming. Because, really, how could I stop an invasion into the gods’ realm? I mean, yes, I had certain powers. But let’s face the reality → my wings were cut. I was stuck here. Really, really, stuck.

Was that an excuse to not do anything? Really, maybe, probably? I wanted to go home now. I just wanted to grow my wings back, zap home, and flake on the couch with Aaliyah and Jade. Charr would talk endlessly about her homework. Chaos would brew coffee.

That’s it, I thought as I tucked my beak under my wing. Maybe I should just stop poking my nose everywhere. Maybe I should just go home.

Suzy wailed loudly in the back of my mind. She wouldn’t admit why she was terrified, just that she was. And frankly, I wasn’t ready to go poking about inside her mind to try and figure it out.

“But we’re supposed to go back to the Academy!” she cried out, shaking me within myself.

I closed my eyes and tried to shut her out. I want to go home, to my home, I thought as loudly as I could.

Apparently, Suzy could scream louder than I could, mentally.

My head split with pain as she screamed “But the Academy! It needs us!”

Oh, good gods. Jesus on a stick, as Chaos would say. Please, Suzy. I’m trying to rest here.

Then, just as I wanted to mope and curl up miserably in myself, I felt a shift in the aether, in the weaving of this world.

My head popped up on its own and I eyeballed around me. And right there in the living room, wobbling on unsteady legs, was me, version two point oh.

Oh, hello jerk, I thought angrily. I sat up – but this wasn’t the dude who had sold me to the Academy. This was the one who had previously tried to kill me, a few years ago. Or at least I was guessing by the fact that there was shorter hair and something shifty to his eyes. I remembered those eyes.

Squawk! I sat up, beating my wings at the cage before me. Just to say hi, in an angry sort of way. Or maybe a ‘fuck off’. I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to be rescued or to tackle him down.

He walked over, looked me up and down with a pause, then picked up the whole cage, me included. I squawked, pecking at him. It had zero result. He picked up the cage and put it under his arm, holding a strange black object in his hand.

He was looking at this object when the being came out of the other room and running over, hair flying about and surprisingly not naked. What? He always seemed naked these days.

Me two point oh jammed at the device, and frowned. The being/my other captor exclaimed something. Me two point oh answered and I squawked, beating my wings at the cage door. Let me out! Let me the fuck out, I’ve had it!

“Kuryo! Kuryo!” a voice shouted.

I spun this way and that – and then Aaliyah was there, crouchign down before the cage. “Kuryo! It’s me! Can you see me?”

“Aaliyah!” What was she doing here? I threw myself, my soul, forward and out of the cage to hug her. We embraced, soul to soul and happy.

Soul to soul? I looked her over. This was her, in soul. No body. “What are you doing here?” I asked, leaning back to look at her.

“I’m dead I,” she pointed to the other version of me. “He killed us. Me and Jade, and Chaos is missing -”


She shook me. “You need to run! He’s going to hand you over to the these people – I stalled his machine but you’ve got to run!”

As she said that I felt a flicker. The machine was nearly working again.

“Move!” Aaliyah shouted.

I jumped back into my body, shunting Suzy out of control. In a flash I seized the energy, the matter of this cage, and I wrenched it apart. As I fell I switched forms, landing on my human feet.

There was a shriek from the being, and a yell from the other me. I bolted for the door, knowing that if he caught me I didn’t stand a chance.

“This way!” Aaliyah was running beside me, switching into her dragon form. We darted around the apartment, yanked the door open, and were out in the hall.

I was so happy I’d followed the being out the other day. Now I knew the way out of this building, into an elevator-esque thing that sent you several flights down at a time, like a portal.

Nothing seemed to be working fast enough. The portals felt interminable as I heard the footsteps of other me just a flight above us, just one button click away.

Finally we burst out into the lobby. There there was a yelp from a surprised attendant, we raced the several feet across the carpeting, and we banged out through the steel doors.

The crowd stalled me for a moment. Where to run? There was peasants everywhere and I stood out like a clown at a funeral.

“Hey!” a hand clapped down on my shoulder. I squirmed, spinning and coming face to face with this other me. I grabbed his soul and twisted. His eyes rolled back in his head and he collapsed, soul and body out of sync and disorganized.

I spun and bolted. No aim, no direction. I just went left.

Update of the day!

Hi everyone! I had at first intended to make an introductory post for Chaos & Kuryo’s story, so that people who haven’t kept up with the story could just slip right in. However, that got confusing real quick, haha. So I rearranged the website instead, trying to make it more clear which story goes where. I hope it helps.

For anyone who is excited for upcoming Chaos & Kuryo shenanigans, I’m sorry to say that I didn’t write today. Today, I just went ‘ahhhh’ and chilled. I even NAPPED!

Instead of writing, I ska-doodled and drew on a picture of a certain evil-maybe-good character. It’s not finished yet, but I tacked it onto here because I’m not sure I will ever finish it. Honestly, I have no idea who this character is. I mean, I know ‘who’ they are ( said ruler who killed XYZ) but that’s about it, really. What their personality is like is anyone’s guess so far. I’m just hoping they don’t turn into another Bella/wannabe/annoying character I want to slap.

Anyways, I wish you all a lovely rest of the day/evening wherever you are! Stay safe and wash your hands!

kuryo black villain1

Chaos & Kuryo (novel 3) Chapter 13 part 1

Kuryo POV

I was frustrated. Day two? Three? in this annoying cage and I wanted to peck someone’s brains out. Literally. I missed everyone. I was restless and physically agitated. Worse, I was curious. I was craving to know what was happening in this world, just beyond the realm of my cage.

Suzy shared none of that. Curiosity? “Why do you care?” she whined endlessly. “We just have to get out of here. Go home.”

I stifled my thought that we might not be able to travel home so easily. What if we were caught again?

Instead, I focused. Today, I was going out. No, not physically. Spiritually, that is, I was escaping. The being here obviously had some sort of link, job, what have you, to have been given all of those charts. So I was going to piggyback off of him and do my best to figure out what I could.

But first, apparently, sex had to be had. The short and portly man from the day I arrived was here again, and all sorts of noises were coming from the bedroom. I rolled my eyes at the ceiling. Suzy was listening intently, too shy to mention leaving the body to go observe, but definitely soaking in all she could. And she said I was the only curious one. Hah!

“We’ll do that one day?” Suzy asked from the back of my mind.

I poked my head under my wing. “I doubt it,” I said honestly.

Suzy was disappointed. She blocked herself off from me as much as she could, practically crossing her arms and turning her back on me.

I closed my eyes and willed this all to be over. All those sounds were reminding me of better days, to say the least. I missed Chaos, Jade, Aaliyah, and especially Charr. Charr… I would get her out of there. She would be fine, eventually. There must be some way to separate her from the Academy.

“Hey!” the man was right beside the cage. I must have dozed off. Now he was watching me, wiggling a wide finger towards the cage. “It’s still alive!”

And you’re still half naked, I thought bitterly. What hasn’t changed?

The slender being swept over, completely naked. “Yes, it’s quite unique, isn’t it? The feathers are so blue! I’ve never seen a crow like that before.”

The man looked the being over with a greedy eye. “There’s better things to look at.”

Barf! I made a hacking sound.

“Oh!” the being stooped over the cage, peering at me. I stopped the hacking noise, glaring at him. He fairly pressed his nose against the cage. “What was that? An egg?”

“A hairball maybe,” yawned the shorter man. “Hey, so you going to the council meeting this afternoon or what? Do I have to be there?”

“As the elected of the people, you do not,” said the being, straightening with a sweep of the long hair. Hair. I focused on the head hair to avoid looking elsewhere (where Suzy was gawking at right now, flooding my mind with very in-depth pictures). But genitals aside, there were more important things present.

I focused on the council meeting. Meeting for what?

The being was easily influenced right then, it seemed. “The meeting to discuss the next dimension,” he prattled off happily. “The one we’ve been aiming at. It might be ground zero, you know.”

The man frowned. “I knew that.”

“Oh,” the being paused. “I thought you’d asked.”

“No,” the man shook his balding head. “I couldn’t give less of a damn about this whole ground zero nonsense. A whole lot of crockery if you ask me.”

Because? I prodded some more, but didn’t have to. The being got fired right up. “I don’t believe you. If we can harness that power – we can redefine reality!”

“And what good will that do us? Hmm?” The human shrugged, scratched his belly, then stretched. “It’s all going to be bollocks anyways.”

“It isn’t! We’ve found a sample-”

“You caught a kid with blue hair. Big deal.”

Normally, I sensed they would let this topic slide between them. But I egged them both on, prodding and poking at their pride to keep them going.

“We caught a version of the triggering element!”

“It has no big powers,” yawned the human exaggeratedly, as if in challenge. “It could have been anyone.”


“And besides, what good is it going to do us to control other worlds? Huh? Ours is still going to be a shit-show.”

The being rolled his eyes and tossed his head. “The point, is to control reality! No more pesky gods in the way. We will have no one but ourselves to account to. Wouldn’t that be great?”

“Say that to the masses,” snorted the man, gesturing towards the porch.

Both looked towards it, and images of squat churches filled their minds. Foolish, they both thought. Praying to dead gods.

Dead? I tried to pull at the strings in their minds. I was filled with images of shattered temples, ruins, and of one sole surviving cult.

“That Sephira,” sighed the being, hand on hip. “I don’t get why they think that god is still alive.”

The man shrugged, all anger now gone. “The idiots need something to cling to.”

The tall being shook out its hair and combed it back from their face. “It’ll be gone soon enough. Once we execute the last of the gods, they will see that they are praying to nothing. No one can stop us.”

The portly man hummed in agreement, scratching his stomach again. Then, with a lecherous grin, he stepped towards the other being.

To summarize: they ended up back in the bedroom. Yark. I put my head back beneath my wing and decided to ignore that noise some more.

Suzy, however, was ecstatic. “If only they could really destroy all the gods! That would be so good!” she squealed. “Then they would be out of the Academy’s way!”

I ignored her as best I could. For some reason, I didn’t think the death of the gods was any sort of good thing. Even if gods were pesky, they were part of the universe. They kept things in order in their own (annoying) way.

After much ado about fucking each other, the two resurfaced from the bedroom, dressed and happy. They completely ignored me, going about getting ready to leave. They snatched up some crusts of that medieval bread and butter, took a sip of wine together, then were strolling on out. It was my chance.

“Watch my body, Suzy,” I said, having already briefed her on this part. As in: to NOT leave my body.

She nodded, and I was off. In human form I darted across the floor and – whoosh- slipped into winged version and landed on his shoulder.

The being didn’t even notice me. He merely rolled his shoulder at the extra weight, then went on locking his door.

Then, we were off.

Today was a Crap Day (mild spoilers)

Ugh. I have no good excuse/reason to feel so bad. It sucks. Yes, I had visit yesterday that was very excited, but that’s not enough to make me feel so bad usually. Today I had to call in said person again to help me with the dishes.

I was so excited to wake up today and do makeup. I had my glue sticks on the ready and was going to do a full drag face for the heck of it. And then boom. Bleh.

And I wasn’t even depressed. I was just so emotionally drained and exhausted mentally that I kept just wanting to curl up on the floor and not move. So, reinforcements making hot bread, I curled up before the TV and watched nature shows. Bleh. I don’t mind nature shows, but I really don’t enjoy not doing anything and watching TV. I like doing stuff.

So, tonight, after several episodes of ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ (I switched from nature shows), I dragged myself  up to my computer. Today’s episode of the story is courtesy of another day’s writing. All I did today was draw, and actually, the result isn’t too bad. I’m actually pretty pleased with it.

It has a lot of ‘bleh’-ness in it, is a sort of depressed piece. I think it fits the story (in the future) because, omg how is Kuryo going to cope with finding out that TWO of his girlfriends died while he was away? I mean, right now Chaos isn’t reacting very well. I don’t expect Kuryo to do too much better. I mean, he might not completely break down, but then again, he might just be the kind of high-functioning suffering person. This, I have to say, gets me a bit down. The story is taking such sad turns! I usually really like writing happy stuff and now the two main characters are going to end the story grieving and the third main character is just – Missing in Action? Will Charr survive mentally or is she gone into the Academy forever? Agh! I actually feel that I miss Charr so much when writing Kuryo. I keep thinking how she’d kick him into gear, organize him, and it makes me think that they really are quite a pair that depends upon each other for a bunch of their functioning. So yeah, it makes me down a bit because they’re missing and needing each other and whyyyyy are they apart. And then that makes me think again of how Kuryo is going to miss Aaliyah and Jade and bleh. 😦

It also makes me seriously wonder how this story is going to end. I’ve just had one idea, but that would be super sad. Another idea is also super sad. And how in the blazing hells am I going to get there? Augh! Frustration! I feel like the story is going to have some epic clash/struggle and I’m sort of dreading writing it. I mean, I’m just not seeing how I’ll weave all this in together.

Anyways, I guess that’s enough of a rant. I hope y’all will be taking lots of care and staying at home (alone!). I’ll try and keep writing and drawing, and hope y’all will enjoy! Take care 🙂

crow kuryo.jpeg

I am fine -> Proof: I am overthinking again

Well everyone, I feel like ranting. Did something bad happen? Nope. Does this have to do with *gasp * the virus? Double nope. Is this maybe too personal to share on a blog post that anyone anywhere can read? Mayyyybe.

Here’s the thing. I like makeup. I love getting dressed up in heels and silly. Someone recently told me that they’d see me doing drag (after having gone to a drag show) and that just… stuck with me.

Maybe because I LOVE making over the top costumes. Maybe because of the love of makeup in a dramatic and over-the-top way. I just… I don’t know. Should I try drag? Should I not? I don’t know. I’m not a huge party person, and I’m not a huge dancer, and I don’t like much pop songs, so yeah, it seems like a big NO from that perspective (unless metal drag is a thing lol). But could I do something draggy with videos and reading? I don’t know. I just keep watching Rupaul’s Drag Race and thinking how much I’d LOVE to make costumes that over-the-top and get dressed up like that for the fuck of it. Of course I’m not haute couture and can barely sew worth a damn and just gave away all of my fabric and swore off sewing but hey. It’s just odd, I never saw that aspect in myself, but having someone say that I could was… revelatory? I dunno. It’s probably all in my head (what isn’t?).

I guess the summary is that I have this fashionista side that I don’t know what to do with. I’m super dysphoric about my chest, but maybe if they were fake boobs that I could take off, I wouldn’t mind wearing them? Who knows?

Either way, gender is a fuck-tard and dysphoria sucks. I’ll probably get dressed up for the fuck of it tomorrow. Maybe I’ll record a video of me reading… I don’t know. I’m having this idea right now of picking up a romance book and reading out loud the sex scenes just to ruin it. Like, parody read the sex scenes. I don’t know if that would be funny or just … weird? Hopefully it would get people a little laugh. It all depends on the execution, obviously, but I’m not sure I can pull it off. Hmmph. Insecurity, as always. I mean, I had tried before to do promotional readings on fellow authors and interviews, and it flopped terribly. But maybe reading sex scenes would be different? Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking and I need to stash that idea.

What do y’all think? Should I give these videos a double try? Or should I just keep my makeuppy self to myself? Thoughts?

Also, on a similar note, should I shave my eyebrows off to do these looks? I wonder if it would make them grow back bushier (which I’d love), or if I’ll regret it. I do have a nice eyebrow line right now.