Cptsd, Books, and Created Spirits

Today, I discovered something. Namely, that I do not particularly like living in other people’s worlds.

What do I mean? I mean reading. But not the usual kind of reading. I mean, there comes a point when the reading is too engrossing, that you start feeling the story live around you. I hope im not the only one to experience this, because it is unsettling. Even more unsettling is the fact I have no control over where the story or setting will go. So I try and read faster to rip off the bandage and get it over with. But that usually just engrossed me more, and I sink deeper into this world.

It almost feels like a mist around me, today. The feeling, the aura of this novel I’m reading. In an esoteric sense, I suppose one could say the created soul, the Grigori of the book has been summoned. But it bothers me.

It really, truly, bothers me because the only stories where I want to live and feel myself in and around me are ones I can control, at least to some degree. Where I can halt the pain. Where I can truly enjoy myself without too much fear. There is uncertainty in every writing or true artistic endeavor, I suppose. But I like to imagine that I, the author, am in control of the art.

But in the past few days I have sprained my wrist rather badly, and so have been reading others novels instead of immersing in my own. In fact, I’ve done more reading in the past 24 hours than I have in a month. It has been fun, but rather unsettling. I feel like if I push the envelope, I will be bridging two worlds, that one I live in and the one I am reading about.

Thinking of it in terms of a created spirit, a Grigori, makes sense to me now, but it is still unsettling. I sort of feel like the silver tongue in Inkheart, who could create things by reading them aloud (or so I recall of the story). Truly, I am sure, there are many spiritual ramifications to this, from the neopagan perspective as well as an authors perspective. But I dont want to go there too much.

I like reality, but I also enjoy my own fantasy worlds. Today, while being all cozy, I realized that I truly enjoy immersing in my fantasy worlds and half living in them. I say half living, because they are all I think and breathe for half a day, or a quarter. They fill my mind and obsess me. They bring this aura to me, this presence of joy. It makes me feel accompanied, loved, and surrounded by magic. But it saddens me to realize, as I did today, that the only tasks I am truly successful at are ones that involve sinking into these fantasy worlds. Tasks related to reality and observing it, like cleaning, I am terrible at.

Maybe I am looking too much into things, but maybe I am not. Cptsd makes me often want to escape, to run away, to forget. It has made me sensitive, I suppose, but also makes me… unreal at the same time. I feel, because of my memory loss, a disconnect from the past. Like it didn’t actually happen to me. At the same time I feel a void where my memories should be. In a sense, I feel forever young because I am not aging because I have so few memories and ties to reality.

Anyways, I am writing this purely because I wanted to share. If you are out there an have lived something similar, this bridging of worlds between books and reality, please let me know. I’d like not to be the only one. If you read this and find it curious, I’ll admit that it is! But please don’t just think “oh thats weird” and move on. Entertain me a little, and think on what ifs and ramifications with me. Discuss with me, I’d greatly enjoy it.

In any case, I wish you all the best. Have a lovely day 💗

A Small Ritual to Introduce Yourself to the Land when You Move

So I’ve recently moved. My landowner is a pagan (how lucky am I?) and we did a small ritual to introduce ourselves to the spirits and prepare for doing more rituals here. I’ve copied out what we did, in case it’s useful for anyone else.

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Before you begin, pick a spot that’s central to the feel of the land. We did ours at  bench beneath a tree, so the spirits could assemble at the table. Bring your offerings and place them upon the table. Light incense, candle, and open lids of drinks.

*ring bell *

Greetings to the spirits of this land. To the trees, the fairies, and to those who call this land home. Our names are __ and __ . We have moved here and intend to live here for the foreseeable future. In doing so, we hope to live in a peaceful and  harmonious relationship with all who dwell here. We envision our roles as that of nourishing the earth, of making this land better in many aspects. We ask that you, in return, protect us and help the land bloom and grow.

We also ask for your permission to host pagan rituals here for the group by the name of __. These rituals will have people of all kinds attending, hopefully in large numbers. We ask that you are gentle and welcoming to them, so as to help us have pleasant events.

*proceed to give gifts* ( we offered incense, a candle, drinks, and baked goods with fruit – so we had all the elements covered, as well as coffee grains and eggshells for the earth)

We’ve brought these gifts to share with you. Please enjoy them.

*sit down, wait a few moments before eating peacefully*

We concluded the ritual when the incense was burnt out. We didn’t say anything special, just buried the eggshells and coffee at the base of the tree where we will be doing our future offerings.