I don’t know what it is with headscarves. I’ve always had a sort of morbid fascination with them. I say morbid because I’ve had some very negative views on them. I didn’t understand, and still don’t understand, what I like so much about them.
Now, Ramadan is upon us. Out of solidarity for my friends who veil, I was considering covering as well for the month. Well.
I’ve had a terrible week. Let’s put it that way. I’ve been a crying mess, non-functional, and miserable. So Ramadan skipped from my mind until two days ago, after our Beltane celebration.
I was, as usual, angsting over my choice of garb to lead the ritual in. I have a ritual robe that I embroidered myself, as well as choice headscarves I like to wear for ritual purposes. At least I think it’s ritual purposes. I’m not entirely sure what head covering has to do with leading rituals, but I find it useful. It helps me feel ‘set apart’ and sacred and in charge. And, in fact, the Beltane ritual went so well that I woke up the next day feeling the urge to head cover again.
Mmmmkay. I put it on, feeling a bit weirded out by it all. And, I think, it helped. For the first day in a while (aside from Beltane, which I was covering for also) I was functional. Just super insecure about what I was doing, but functional.
And then! Once more I felt this call from Allah. It kind of pissed me off. I was just like ‘what the fuck do you want again’?! But then I had this feeling of ‘ooh look Ramadan! Let’s fast!’.
Sensibly, I went to bed thinking that I shouldn’t fast. I’m already struggling with my food. Shouldn’t I focus on eating instead of fasting? Also, in order to successfully fast, one has to wake up before sunrise to drink water and eat. So, without an alarm, I went to bed.
But, as has happened before when I wanted to fast in the islamic way, I woke up during the night and found myself continually checking the time to see if the fast was starting yet. Y’all, I woke up at 5 am, just in time to figure out what I was doing, eat, and listen to a prayer that ended on the dot before sunrise.
It was all just… coincidental. Too much so.
So here I am, fasting for Ramadan for I’m not sure why, and head covering in the hopes that it will… calm down my anxiety? Help make me more functional and get out of this slump? I really have no idea what’s going on, and am worried I’m losing a grip on myself again.
But at the same time, I feel like I can’t keep ignoring these pulls and calls. Maybe I’m just going to end up being a strange mishmash of beliefs and practices. Because part of me really wants to head cover. But … since when do men cover their heads? I mean, I know a non-binary man who does but… it just strikes me as a super effeminate thing to do and it makes me worry about my transition and being a ‘real’ man. But at the same time… if it helps and I’m called to do it, I should, right?
Well, this has been my daily rant. See you all later!