“Just More Chaos”; Chapter Thirteen, Part One

I’d like to say that a board was produced and, medieval style, they began playing around with little pawns on a map. That would have made things so much easier to understand. Instead, well, they began a long list of the heavenly realms that were resisting appointing Bella as their head, or at least as their champion. Some were even doubling down on visitations to the incarnate realm to try and maintain worshiper loyalties!

“That’s just cheap,” sighed one demon. “They’ve lost and they know it. Their era is over.”

The goddess who had brought up the topic had more to say though. “They’ve invited you for a peace talk. I’m afraid they might have something up their sleeve though.”

“Why?” Bella frowned. “It’s scheduled to happen on their holiest lands. They would never fight there.”

My stomach lurched, and I felt a cold shiver run through me. Or would they?

“Yhwh is desperate, and his pantheon is reeling. They are losing power, and fast. They are desperate and may act out rashly!”

But Bella shook her head. “They won’t dare attack me.”

Lucifer smirked for just a second, then covered his lips with his fingers to hide it.

“The whole trinity will be there, and all the angels. The entire rebellions’ forces will be together,” the goddess insisted.

“We could use this opportunity to wipe them out,” Lucifer drawled, lounging back in his chair. “That would be the smartest. We just have to execute the godheads, and the rest will fall into line. It would be a good lesson for anyone trying to oppose us.”

Bella frowned. “No,” she said crossly. “We can’t be the first to attack. I don’t want to do that.”

I almost laughed out loud. No better reason, Bella? Just ‘I don’t want to’? Really? It was childish and probably a show of strength over Lucifer’s idea, which frankly sounded smarter.

The council hesitated. Eyes flickered to Lucifer as if for leadership. Murmurs arose, one goddess faintly saying “But if we could kill them all,” only to let her own voice peter out when Bella looked at her.

Wow. What a council. Such debate. Such – toe licking on their part. Everyone seemed intent to stay on Bella’s good side. Normally, I would have expected Lucifer to put up a stink and demand his idea go forth and conquer, but no. He slunk back in his chair and watched the scene quite smugly. I was in awe.

Even Lucifer was in Bella’s pocket? Really? Wow.

The council lasted the whole day, and we returned to Bella’s home in the incarnate realm after that. She promptly passed out in bed, snuggling against me like I was her favorite pillow. My mind reeled. Everything today just felt like too much. The entire world was changing. Kingdoms were crumbling and I – was being used by a pillow by the most powerful person in this universe. It felt ridiculous, it felt stupid. I’d brought all this about, just by being me. By being reckless with her. My thought crowded and reeled, and the room darkened with the night.

Then, as the moonlight shone into the curtains, the voice returned to me.

“Are you ready, Chaos?”

I slowly sat up. Disentangled myself from Bella’s grasp. She didn’t even move. Then I crept to the window and looked out.

“Yes?” I whispered so softly I barely heard it myself.

“Tomorrow is the day. Are you ready to fight?”

“Yes,” I thought as hard as I could, mouthing it to the moon. Out in the courtyard, a murder of crows were sitting, watching me. There was about a dozen of them, and they all looked grouchy.

“Tomorrow, we need you to be our inner hand,” the voice intoned. “Be -”

I jumped so hard as Kuryo’s hand landed on my shoulder. I stifled my own yelp. He tilted his head to the side, a tense smile on his face.

“What are you doing?” he whispered.

I didn’t answer, not sure what to say.

He shook his head, amused but scolding. “Who are you talking to?” Then he glanced around. “There’s no spirit here.”

Well, uh, good point. How was anyone talking to me then? But I brushed that part aside. Maybe getting Yhwh’s blood all over me had made some sort of link between us. “Look,” I whispered. “Tomorrow is going to be a blood bath. Will you be safe?”

He nodded, his hand stroking my shoulder soothingly. “I’ll just perch somewhere and wait it out. It’ll be okay. Relax.”

I tried to smile but it was a terrible failure. Out through the window, those crows were still there, watching from all across the backyard. “Those your friends?” I asked, trying to change topic.

He chuckled. “Maybe. Are you my friend?”

I looked at him, jarred by the light-hearted question. “Maybe,” I muttered, those eyes looking straight through me.

He smiled, and it was so different than Bella’s. Precious. True. Intense a little. My heart did a silly flip-flop in my stomach. His fingers ran down my chin.

“Would you like a kiss?” he asked under his breath.

“Yeah,” I said weakly, not really believing I’d get one. But I did, and it was sweet. Our arms wrapped around the other – and he abruptly drew back.

“Just,” and he drew the curtain beside us shut, shutting out the night – and the crows. There were disappointed caws and cackles from outside.

I chuckled awkwardly. Heh heh. Look, him and I were alone now. I was half expecting him to suddenly morph or change personality. But he didn’t.

Instead he took my hand and led me to the blanket where he had been sleeping. It was as far away from Bella as we could be without leaving the room. There, we nestled down together with the blanket around us. I closed my eyes and pressed against him, focusing on his warmth and steady breathing and forgetting about the world.

Author’s Rant ~They’re HERE!!!! (Spoilers!)

Gah! So if you’ve read the latest Chaos, you will see that those two weirdos at the beach are actually starting to be super useful/important. The thing is, these two are MAJOR CHARACTERS (yes, I had to caps all that) from Kuryo’s story. Like, not really villains but really close. I like to play the grey zone. They’re the main fuckers going around and fucking things up and manipulating everyone. But to what end? What means? Gasp! Well, you’d have to read ‘Dreaming of Lights’ to find out (which you can’t, because it’s an unpublished mess right now). Anyways, the thing is, I’m just so excited to see them coming back in for round two! And Lucifer and Bella pitching it off against them? Hah! I kind of almost pity Bella, if she wasn’t such a psychopath. I mean, she’s absolutely getting used by Lucifer (I won’t tell you what he’s planning, but hey, God is now overthrown and Lucifer’s legions are taking over the earth – coincidence? I think not), but she’s totally got a bag over her head and doesn’t see what’s happening. And this glittering woman? She fucked enough with my head during the whole writing sequence of Kuryo’s story, honestly. It was such a hectic book to write (kind of like Chaos’s story… but a smidge worse -> I’d actually trashed a whole 60 page section and rewrote it basically almost the same but with minor and important changes. Painful.).

So my author’s dilemma right now is not really a dilemma. I’m just super excited to see what this power couple tries to pull over Lucifer and Bella (I’ve got a hint of what I think they’re going to do, and that’s EVIIIIIIL), while Lucifer pulls stuff over Bella, while Bella thinks she’s in control of it all.

And then guess what’s coming in for the next section? Oh yeah, the ‘cule. We get to meet all the girlfriends. I can’t wait to see how this is going to turn out.

On one final note, I had the most bizarre author’s experience the other day. Buckle down, this really screwed me over in a ‘what levels of reality are real’ kind of way.

So, I’ve been working on Farfadel novels (three of them) on the side. One of them happened to feature persimmons. I was just typing dialogue, and the word ‘persimmon’ came to mind, so I chucked it in. I wasn’t even sure what the word meant, so I researched it and found out it was a japanese fruit. I’ve never heard of it before, don’t even know how I know the word, and have NEVER seen it in a grocery shop or around. It’s just not a thing. Thinking it was funny, I worked it into the story as being a joke, because this Queen wants persimmons even though she doesn’t even know what they really are.

Well, two days later me and my wifey go to get our food basket from a local charity organization. When we got home, I looked at the stuff that my wife picked out. And fuck me sideways, she’d grabbed persimmons, thinking they were tomatoes. PERSIMMONS. I didn’t even know they were sold in Canada, nevermind Quebec. I’ve never seen them in a grocery store, never heard of them, and never ever seen them in a food basket before. Just – two days after writing about it in my Farfadel novel – it just pops into my life?! It’s the kind of coincidence that blows your mind. It felt like a sign from the world of Farfadel, the world itself waving at me and saying hi. I just – wow. Wow.

So I ate one last night, and they were delicious. Unfortunately, the kind we got given had no seeds in them or I’d be trying to grow them and call them my Farfadel trees, haha.

But seriously, have you ever had a coincidence like that, about your writings? It really makes me wonder on the reality of stories, and whether we’re tapping into an alternate reality, or even, creating one? I dunno, it really tripped me out. Thoughts?

“My Name is Chaos”; Chapter Twenty One, Part Two

I opened my eyes to see a beautiful apparition. A lovely woman stood beside Lucifer, robed in deep red. She had such a smile on.

“Amitabha,” said Lucifer as the goddess took me in her arms. I was nothing. Weightless. Just a little thought of existence.

The goddess nodded to Lucifer with a warm smile. Then, with respect and dignity, she turned around and walked through a small portal.

Most portals are crackling full of energy of the kind akin to the world they transfer to. This one was soft, and peaceful. As we slipped through it I felt blissful in a pure and healthy way. Calm. Complete.

We entered a world of light, lotuses by lakes, and sprawling fields. I knew the world as we stepped foot on the earth and she set me down. I floated from her. Stretching, I unfolded from myself.

All around me was beauty and peacce. It felt amazing.

I turned to thank Amitabha- and saw the portal behind her. A hand was clawing through, a shoulder following. It was like an awful anti-birth. It was forceful, disgusting, and burning with callous irreverence.

Bella burst through with a roaring yell, burnt and bloodied by the energy of the portal. Her blue eye sparkled rabidly and she stumbled on her first steps on the earth.

Amitabha turned calmly to face her. She did not seem in the slightest bit surprised. “So you are here.”

Bella laughed. “I’ve made it!” Her eyes rolled around her head to take it all in, but I knew she couldn’t see enough. Her breath was ragged from anger and exertion. She laughed again, and it was frenzied.

Amitabha was nonplussed. I looked from one to the other, and it dawned on me as Bella drew a sword from her hip that she’d lied to me about one more thing.

“I’m finally going to kill you all!” she hissed. Dramatically, she pointed her sword at Amitabha. “I, Daughter of Mara, will destroy you stupid Buddhas!”

Amitabha watched with serene disaffection. I stepped forward. “But Bella, you can’t-”

I knew this place was too peaceful. Too serene. Too precious to be allowed to be destroyed.

Bella knocked me aside. “I have defeated the supposed ‘god of gods’. I have Lucifer as my minion, and-” she flicked a sneering wrist at me. “I’ve tamed Chaos. So,” she took a deep breath then screamed to Amitabha “I’m going to kill you all!”

“No!” I said. “Bella, you said you wanted to save everyone! You can’t do that if-”

“Snapshot! I lied! Now move aside, or rather -” and Bella’s crazed gaze landed on me. “Help me, Chaos. Kill Amitabha for me.”


“Do it!” she screamed in my face. “Do it, and I will let you be my slave again! I will give you infinite pleasure, Chaos!”

Amitabha stepped forward. Serenely, she placed a hand on each our shoulders. She looked first at me, then at Bella. We both held our breaths.

With her exhale, a sense of peace infused through me. It soaked into me gently, destroying anger and hurt. I felt pure and true to myself. Connected to Amitabha, to Bella, to this land and all that dwelled in it-

With a groan Bella collapsed. Her sword fell to the ground. She clutched at her head, moaning. “It hurts, it hurts,” she whimpered.

Of course, I realized. The destruction of ignorance and anger can be painful.

“It hurts!” Bella screamed. She staggered up to her feet, fingers having dug red marks down her cheeks. Eyes rolling, she took one terrified look at Amitabha before lurching for the portal.

With a shriek, Bella fell into it as if all the hounds of hell were at her heels. Then there was silence.

For a moment, Amitabha and I stood still. The wind blew around us, the grass swayed. I felt at peace. My mind, my spirit, felt on the brink of achieving something new. Enlightenment was only a grasp away, and I felt it.

But when I looked down, there was Bella’s sword. I stooped down and picked it up.

“Pleasure is a blade,” said Amitabha clearly. “It is fleeting, yet leaves marks of desire upon the soul.”

I closed my eyes tightly. What did I want? Of course I wanted to stay here. But I also pitied Bella. She was pathetic, really. Lost. Helpless in her own way.

I opened my eyes, mind focused and clear. “I’m going to go get Bella,” I said to Amitabha. “I’m going to heal her.”

A pleased smile drew itself on her face. “To heal a demon and bring them to the Pure Lands is quite the challenge. Good luck, Chaos.”

I smiled. “Thanks.”

Amitabha reached into a pocket of her robe. “I have a gift for you. A welcoming of sorts.” And she held out a D20 dice to me. It rippled in swirls of red and gold. When it touched my palm I felt warmth within me, a little bit of Buddha-essence within myself.

As I held it up to the light, Amitabha spoke. “This dice is different from the one you had before. This one will not tell you whether you will defeat an enemy in battle, but your chances of healing their souls. Be prepared, your life is about to change.”

I smiled as I pocketed it. “Thank you.”

Amitabha bowed her head respectfully. “Best of luck. And beware of the sword you now carry with you. Pleasure is a double edged blade.”

I looked down at Bella’s sword. The weight of it was massive for its size. I felt it like a scorpion, deadly and latently poised to strike. To hold it was to perch on the edge of a blade. But I was ready to do just that.

“My Name is Chaos”; Chapter Fourteen, Part One

I needed to have a moment. Not just a breath of air to myself in this crowded spirit world, but I needed Bella. For a being that was right within me, I couldn’t sense her. Yeah, sure, I was getting weird impulses as if she was me, but other than that? I felt incredibly lonely. It felt as if I was missing a limb, but inside my heart.

At first I bottled myself up within my room, hoping she would, I don’t know, pop out for a chat? No such luck. I sat on my bed, at my desk, on the floor with my feet up on the wall, even tried meditating. No such fuckin’ luck. Bella was silent.

Well fuck you, I thought one minute. I don’t need her anyways.

The next minute I’d forgotten that thought and was pining away again. Where was my Bella?

A day passed. I found myself sitting in the kitchen, bored and staring at the wall. Both my parents were gone, busily off to their works/hobbies (they rather enjoyed their jobs). The moment was dull. I knew I should do something, get a haircut, file my nails, whatever but do something you know? Instead I just sat there and moped. My head ended up on the table, wrapped in my arms.

“Hey,” said a voice right as something brushed my shoulder.

“AH!” I yelled, jumping so much the chair nearly toppled over (with me in it).

“Whoah,” Al said, right beside me. Of course. Who else?

“Knock!” I snapped adjusting myself on the seat, humiliated.

“Oh, yeah,” she looked away. My anger vanished. She looked defeated. There was no bright gleam to her eyes. No pazazz to her punch, if you know what I mean. She was even slouching. Dead already uh?

I cleared my throat. Nodded to the chair beside me. “How are you?”

“I’ve heard you’re doing all good now,” she said before dropping into the chair. Then, much like me, she propped herself on an elbow. I slouched.

“Guess so,” I mumbled.

“So uh,” she looked at me. I looked away, but her words chased me. “What happened?”

I knew what she meant, really. Al was no idiot. We’d known each other for years and years and years. She must know that for me to cry over Bella was no… nothing?

But I fibbed. “I liked her.” No, I loved her. Big difference, but I wasn’t going to tell anyone that.

Al nodded. “Yeah, I could see that.”

But she wasn’t even there? She must have heard about it enough to picture it though.

“That’s all, really,” I fibbed.

“Were you dating?” Al asked dryly.

I dropped my head down. Ran a hand through my hair. The silence spoke for itself.

“Huh,” said Al. “So what, we’re seeing people now?”

“I’m sorry,” I said quietly. But Al and me had never felt like a ‘we’. We’d never really been anything more than friends that people had a lot of expectations for. It had been nothing like with Bella. There just wasn’t that intimacy.

Al grunted. I stared down at the table, unable to speak from the guilt choking me. Well, was I guilty? What for? I was happy with Bella – and that should not be a crime.

I perked up. “I was happy,” I blurted, trying to put myself into words. “And I want you to be happy.”

Al just looked tired. Tired of my crap? “Really?” she asked.

I nodded. “Date people, just- we don’t have eternity, you and me. So why be miserable? Go and fall in love.”

She smiled wryly. “Excuse me if I don’t take dating advice from the guy whose girlfriend tried to shoot him.”

Ouch. “She didn’t try,” I muttered.

“She had a gun to your head,” Al snapped. “That kind of disqualifies your relationship as happy and fulfilling.”

I scowled and crossed my arms. Al gaped. “Seriously? You’re going to defend her?”

Self righteousness stiffened me. “She would never hurt me.” But I stopped my defense, because Al was laughing.

“You’re so screwed!” She said while laughing a sad, sad, laugh at me. Like she really pitied me. “You’re lucky Chaos. You’re lucky she’s gone. She could have done so much worse to you.”

Pressing my lips together, I looked down at the table, then at my lap. I wasn’t really seeing anything though, my thoughts roaring in my head that Bella was here, right here, and she could probably hear everything and –

“What happened between you two?” asked Al. “Why her?”

Because she wanted me? Because she put a part of herself into me and now there’s no going back? But I just shrugged. There was no explaining it. How could you explain the strange feelings she made rise within me, the way I knew she loved me? And then there was the time in the snowy field, where it wasn’t so extreme but I just knew we were happy together.

“Hey,” Al’s voice was softer. “If we’re friends, you can talk to me you know.”

“But I don’t want to,” I blurted. Then, seeing the hurt on Al’s face, I tried to catch myself. “I don’t want to talk to anyone, really. I just- it hurts okay?”

Al nodded. She must know what hurt means.

“So,” I tried to change conversation topic, but she again took the wheel.

“So I’ll be dating people then,” she said staunchly, as if daring me to argue. I nodded. She glared at me. “You get the fun part of telling our parents that it’s over.”

I flinched. “Why don’t we each tell our own?” I wasn’t ‘scared’ of the Thunderbird. More like, embarrassed? I didn’t want to show my face before him, nevermind tell him that after I screwed everything up royally, I was dumping his daughter → after we’ve been engaged since babyhood.

Al laughed dryly. “Nice try. But you’re the one who broke it, so you tell everyone, and you tell them why.”

I felt a surge of anger. “I told you because you’re my friend! I’m not going to tell everyone!” About me and Bella. That was private. Special. Secret.

“They’re not idiots Chaos!” she snapped back. “You tell them, or I will, and you don’t want me doing that!”

True. I thumped back against my chair, letting out a breath. I tried to relax, but I was just angry. I didn’t want to do that. I wanted to run.

“Tomorrow,” Al declared, rising to her feet. “You come and tell them.” She shoved her chair in. “And you don’t leave anything out.”

I glared at her, but she marched away. Bang, the door was shut behind her. I cursed and kicked my feet at the floor, but it was useless. I was angry, screwed, and Bella wasn’t here to comfort me or give me advice. I missed her, I missed …

I blanched as I realized what exactly I missed from her. I missed feeling like she was in control of me.

“My Name is Chaos”: Chapter Seven, Part One

Not to be a pain buuuut – I’m really loving this story now! It’s super interesting to me, and I just want to keep writing it and writing! I’m so excited to explore Bella and what she’s up to! I’d love to hear some feedback on her, and especially what happens in the chapel here. Let me know what y’all think! I hope you’re having a nice day 🙂


Speaking of cold, it was cold. Very cold. Icy cold. Freeze-in-your-nostrils kind of cold. Mist up and freeze on your face cold. And there Bella was, wearing a bomber jacket styled winter coat, jeans (with zippers and chains on the side!) and a black wool hat. She had a large smile on, as if she just couldn’t get enough of this white crap everywhere as we walked down the road. Ugh. Also, she was wearing an eye patch to cover her red eye. I was wondering why she was wearing the stupid eye patch when she began talking.

“Your friend Mark tried to run away last night,” she said so happily that I almost didn’t understand the meaning of her words.

“He what?”

She turned that simple smile to me. It looked so pure. It felt pure, like she didn’t have a bone of malice in her body. “Oh, he’s been restrained so he won’t hurt himself,” she said sweetly. “Don’t worry.”

“Hurt himself?” I echoed, almost stopping in my tracks. What was that evil-person code for? Were they torturing him?

“Oh, he was very distraught,” she said before heaving a sigh. “It’s unfortunate.”

“What’s unfortunate? What have you done with him?” I tried to run up before her but she held out an arm, winding me in the face as I tried to pass here. I doubled over, clutching at my poor nose. There were snorts of derision from the troupe of vampires around us. When I looked up, Bella had come to a stop next to some funny looking machines that were parked where the road was supposed to be. Were they motorcycles? Except they had skis on them…

“Skidoos,” she said as if reading my mind. “I guess they don’t have them in hell, do they?” and she plucked a helmet from one and handed it to me. “Watch your nose.”

I took the helmet from her, glaring barbs her way. I had half a mind to just unleash my powers and beat her to a pulp. But then I’d have to fight all her dumb minions and find the portal on my own. Hopefully this way she would lead me straight to it.

“Now you can ride with Mcfarlan,” she said, gesturing to the beefcake-in-charge from yesterday, who was popping his little head into his own helmet.

Grimly, I stalked over to him. He climbed onto the skidoo behind her majesty’s, and I followed suit. Disgusted, I took hold of the back of Mcwhatever’s jacket and hoped not to fall off. I’d been allowed to ride a motorcycle in hell, but it had been tricked so as not to bust speed limits. Like, you now you’re in hell when there’s speed limits on everything. Betcha there’s none of those in heaven.

We took off. Zooming through the city at daytime (without white crap in your face) was a totally different experience. The houses were bright and quaint around here, quickly giving way to shops and malls – and not a single car.

Well, there was over a foot of snow everywhere. Where would the cars go?

Instead there was other skidoos here and there, quickly switching to drive next to us, but always behind Bella. Pretty soon, I looked around and we were leading a whole flock of skidoos. The sound was such a racket. I wondered what the hell was going on. Was I about to be mobbed to death? A public execution of sorts? Was I breakfast for the starving hordes?

We drove up to a chapel. There Bella skidded to a halt, and the entire horde followed suit. I gawked at the number of vampires present. If it was a buffet, there certainly wasn’t enough blood in me to fill up everyone.

No, if this was her legions, then hell was empty of vampires right now. Because seriously, vampires have always been a protected species (don’t laugh) but there was so many right here.

The massive chapel was bursting full of them. They shrieked and squealed with joy as Bella came in, parting for her like the proverbial Red Sea, if the Red sea had still desperately wanted to touch Moses.

Arms were waving towards her. Babies were held out. The air was frenzied, frantic. The crowd closed right after her, blocking us from following her. Mcsomethingorother grabbed me by the shoulders and held me against him to keep me from getting torn from him by the crowd’s movement.

And that’s when it struck me. This was no army. There was no discipline, no ranks. Everyone was wearing civilian clothes and – I looked around at the screaming mouths to be sure. These were humans. We were actually a tiny patch of vampires, in a swathe of humans.

“Friends,” coeed Bella from the spot where the priest was supposed to be. The crowd silenced instantly. You could have heard a pin drop.

Faintly, someone began sobbing. Bella smiled sweetly in that direction. She had her hands on the book reading thing, and was poised to give a speech. I didn’t want to admit it, but I was really curious what she was going to say. Talk about herself as the savior of humanity or what? Vampires came in peace?

Bella began to speak. At first I thought I couldn’t hear her because she was mumbling. But then I realized there really was no sound coming from her mouth. Except I felt it inside. A strange feeling of peace invaded me. Words that made no sense began popping into my head, from some sort of angelic language. Enochian?

The crowd began to sway. I felt dizzy. The big hands on my shoulders held me steady as around us the world began to careen. The words began to hammer through me and I felt that feeling of peace intensify. Bella was walking forward towards the pews, moving her hands as if directing a chorus. The words pulsed through me and I knew I shouldn’t know them, but they took on meaning for me.

What meaning? I couldn’t put it into words. My body was numb and I was swaying back and forth with the crowd. The air pulsed around us. My eyes felt heavy and the light hurt.

The silent words began coming faster, rhythmically more and more intense. The meaning was overwhelming. It was something about peace and peace, but in such a way that… I don’t know.

Faintly, I heard sobs from the other side of the chapel. Nothing in me was disturbed. Iu knew they weren’t in danger, that nothing was in danger in this peace.

And then I cracked open. There was no other way to explain it.

It was if all of a sudden I’d broken beyond the limits of my body, of my own soul. I was no longer just me, a soul amongst so many. I could feel them, touch them. Ecstacy shone through me like a white light that radiated from within and I felt oneness with everything, everyone in this place. I could feel the energy on a different, more pure level than before. I was powerful enough to control the universe. I was beyond my own limits of existence. I could, I could –

I must have passed out. Because the last thing I remember was that pure, unbridled ecstacy. Then the next thing I knew, a voice was calling me.

“Chaos, Chaos,” a sweet voice was saying.

I felt my body being shaken, but it didn’t seem to fit me anymore. It felt foreign, like a dirty old sock you had to put on.

“Chaos,” and I recognized it as Bella. Bella! My heart thudded at the thought of her. Curiosity is what I told myself it was. In fact it was love. Adoration. Something in me craved her, because she was ecstacy.

I forced my eyes open, coming into my body and fitting into it dingily. Before me, Bella was grinning. She was patting my cheeks. At the sight of her, my soul flipped. Bella! My hand reached out and snatched at her, a strangled cry in my throat.

“Shhh,” she caught my hand and pressed it to her shoulder. My breath came ragged as emotions flooded me like a chemical rush. I knew that if only she willed it, I’d be back in that state-

“It’s alright. Stay with me,” she was saying gently and my mind had no choice but to focus on her words. I wanted them so bad. “You went under deep, didn’t you?”

I released a ragged breath. Somewhere, alarm bells were ringing in my head, but I had no idea what was happening. I’d never heard of anything like this. All there was was this feeling, and Bella. She who was taking my hand in both of hers now and squeezing it tightly while giving me such a comforting smile. “You’re okay,” she said in that sweet tone.

I gulped air. My body didn’t want to stay like this. I was like an addict needing another rush, craving it. But as Bella squeezed my hand and I looked into her blue blue eye, the burning need began to subside.

“There,” she said. “there you go. Come on, sit up.”

I was lying on a church pew. There were a few stragglign humans here and there, but the church was now fairly empty. The big beefy dude was standing beside me, glowering down smugly.

Gingerly, I managed to sit up. I wanted to barf. I was sweaty, clammy. Bella crouched before me, grinning wildly now. “So?” she asked eagerly, like we were sharing a secret. “Are we that bad?”

I took another look around. I told myself to take my hand from hers, but couldn’t. I liked her touch. I swallowed, my mouth now dry. “What happened?”

Bella patted my hand. “Secret!” And she drew up to a standing position. “Come on.”

“My Name is Chaos”: Chapter Four Part Two

“Hello, Chaos,” she whispered.

“Oh, shit,” I said as I stared at the spirit sitting in the back seat.

“Language, language,” whispered the being. “Children shouldn’t swear.”

“Fuck you!” I snapped without thinking. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, well, you know,” the blob took on a haphazard shape. Now it had eyes and a mouth and was somewhat of a humanoid shape. “Someone’s gotta babysit.”

“I do not need babysitting!” I yelled.

The scientist looked to her, looked to me, and frowned. “What are you looking at?” he asked. “Is there something-” and he poked at her, going right through her.

Oh crap. She wasn’t incarnated. They couldn’t see her.

She grinned fiendishly at me. “Are you having a mental breakdown?”

Without thinking, I yelled back. “I’m not having a-” I stopped myself just in time. Glaring at her, I turned to Thor.

“There’s a demon in the back seat,” I announced dryly.

“Really?” Thor looked in the rearview mirror and frowned. “I’m not feeling it.”

“Me neither,” said the scientist in awe as he kept passing his hand through her. She kept grinning at me.

“Who is it?” asked Mark grimly. “A vampire hunter? Horseman of the apocalypse? Tell us.”

I groaned and slunk down in my chair. “It’s no one. Just a dumb, lower-level, obnoxious, demon.”

“Yeah, there’s a real dumb spirit around here,” she said loudly from the back. I wanted to plug my ears. Maybe if I ignored her she’d leave? Soon? What was she even doing here?

I threw myself around, making the scientist jump. But my glare was not for him. “How’d you get permission to come here? Huh?”

She grinned and kicked back in her seat, stretching tendril-like arms above her head. “Who said I had permission? You’re not the only rule breaker around here.”

“I have special permission!” I burst. “And I will send you back if- ”I held up my cross pendant. “Or I’ll tell my dad! And he’ll come and get you!”

She leaned forward, putting on a shrill childish voice. “Oh, I’ll tell daddy. Oh, I’m a little snitch and my name is Chaos.”

I just about turned purple in the face. I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. Her grin turned nasty. “Go on, call daddy. Do it.”

I thumped back into my chair, deciding to ignore her again. Whatever. Like I needed her approval.

My fingers traced the cross pendant against my chest. Should I? She wasn’t allowed to be here. What if she interfered? Would it be … bad? Or could I use this to my advantage?

Frowning, I focused on the road ahead. The pine trees lined ever on and the wind blew in icily.

“Hey Chaos!” she yelled in my ear.

I yelled, jumping three feet in the air. “What?” I yelled, turning to see her leaning up between Mark and me.

“I want a body,” she declared. “Get me a body.”

“I’m not getting you a body!” I snapped. “If you’d wanted one, you should have incarnated!”

“Too much paperwork,” she grunted. “Hey, is this guy really attached to himself?” And she poked at the scientist.

“He lives in there so I’d say yeah, pretty attached. And if you try possession, I Will report you!” I was protective of my little mission pals.

“Uhm,” Thor cleared his throat.

“Oh hey, he’s hot,” she said, leering around at him. “Tell him to pull the car over. I can take him over, then we can make out. Neat, right?”

“Shut up!” I squawked.

“What is going on?” asked Thor.

“What’s their name?” asked the scientist, scribbling away at their notepad.

My nerves were beginning to fray. “I want to drive!” she announced, jumping at Thor.

“No!” I yelled, trying to stop her. No luck. If I’d had rolled my dice on it, it would have been a critical 1. A complete failure.

I tackled Mark/Thor, grasping for the immaterial that could not be touched. Thor yelled, shoving me off him. The car skidded, then we must have hit a patch of ice because it really skidded.

“AHH!” I yelled as the ditch came zooming up towards us.


It was like landing on soft fluffy marshmallows. But at 100 kilometers an hour. So the ‘bwoof’ sent us all flying in all directions. The car keeled over to its side and I was now squished sideways with Thor half on me. There was a scientist’s leg in the air beside my head.

Great, bouncing, burgers.

“AL!” I shrieked, clawing my way up. I scrambled over Thor and pushed his door open. He shoved me and I made it out the door. “I’m going to kill you!” I yelled, stepping out into the crisp air.

A light drifting of snow was fluttering down. There was no noise now. Not a sound. I stood on the side of the car, breath misting before me as I glared out at the pine trees’ depths. Was she hiding in their branches? Or was she right beside me, invisible?

No warning. None at all! Just – CRA-KOOM! Lightning split the sky and struck the road where the car would have been, further down the road. Sparks flew. Smoke spiralled up.

Worse? There was now a dark figure there. The shape of a teen, wearing a long coat that framed their figure. Whisped in dark tendrils of smoke, it began striding forward down the road. Towards us.

“Who is that?” asked Thor, now by my side.

“It’s her,” I grumbled, gritting my teeth, hands balled into fists.

“The demon?” whispered the scientist, climbing up beside Thor.

A cloud drifted away from the moon, allowing light to beam down onto her in a most dramatic of ways.

She was as tall as me, but her hair was cut short around her chin with long bangs that fluttered about her face. Her hair was a deep blue with jet bright streaks in it. Her skin was dark, her face pretty nondescript, especially with those sporty sunglasses she had on. She was wearing a deep purple and pink trenchcoat with orange eagles on it. Oh, and she was had thick black leather boots.

“Hey Chaos,” she said as she stepped to the edge of the road before the car. There was a nasty grin on her face.

“Hey,” I seethed. “Do you have to ruin everything?”

“It’s my duty,” she drawled, running fingers through her hair dramatically.

“Who are you?” asked the scientist, sounding way too impressed for his own good.

She totally let it get to her head. As always. “My name is Al,” she drawled. “And I’m Chaos’ fiancee.”

A Small Ritual to Introduce Yourself to the Land when You Move

So I’ve recently moved. My landowner is a pagan (how lucky am I?) and we did a small ritual to introduce ourselves to the spirits and prepare for doing more rituals here. I’ve copied out what we did, in case it’s useful for anyone else.


Before you begin, pick a spot that’s central to the feel of the land. We did ours at  bench beneath a tree, so the spirits could assemble at the table. Bring your offerings and place them upon the table. Light incense, candle, and open lids of drinks.

*ring bell *

Greetings to the spirits of this land. To the trees, the fairies, and to those who call this land home. Our names are __ and __ . We have moved here and intend to live here for the foreseeable future. In doing so, we hope to live in a peaceful and  harmonious relationship with all who dwell here. We envision our roles as that of nourishing the earth, of making this land better in many aspects. We ask that you, in return, protect us and help the land bloom and grow.

We also ask for your permission to host pagan rituals here for the group by the name of __. These rituals will have people of all kinds attending, hopefully in large numbers. We ask that you are gentle and welcoming to them, so as to help us have pleasant events.

*proceed to give gifts* ( we offered incense, a candle, drinks, and baked goods with fruit – so we had all the elements covered, as well as coffee grains and eggshells for the earth)

We’ve brought these gifts to share with you. Please enjoy them.

*sit down, wait a few moments before eating peacefully*

We concluded the ritual when the incense was burnt out. We didn’t say anything special, just buried the eggshells and coffee at the base of the tree where we will be doing our future offerings.



A Polytheist/Pagan Framework for Healing Mental Illness

IMG_3440Let’s talk about healing. But more specifically, healing as polytheists, as pagans, as wiccans.

I often see the ‘use nature’ way of healing promoted by these groups of people, as if nature alone can heal a soul/broken mind/damaged brain/whatever you want to call it. But, as someone who just moved back to the countryside and is in the middle of experiencing it’s effects upon myself, I’ve got some fresh arguments to post about that. In fact, I’ve had a flash of inspiration and have come up with ‘a thing’. Hopefully it’s the start of something positive. At worst it’s a flub.

Now here’s a thing I was told by a social worker. They told me that 30% of the work in healing comes from medication, and the rest is all therapy and self-work.

And that’s a balance I think we can all strive for. To take our medication as well as working on ourselves spiritually and enjoying nature.

Here I’m going to go out on a limb and propose a thing: a polytheist schema for healing mental health. I’m totally making this up and pulling it from my own experience and have Zero Sources for this. So take it with a bit of salt (and sage too haha).

I’m proposing that we, as a community, approach healing as necessitating 30% medication, 30% self work, 30% environmental help, and 10% divine intervention.

Let’s break this down.

30% medication

Well if you’ve been on this blog for a second or two, you’ll see that I am a huge advocate for medication. You’ll read that it’s really helped me, and that I have a sliver of trust in the doctors and social workers that treat me. Hence, I am following this, and sticking to their 30%.  For those who may be new to this blog: I believe that medication can be effective, wholesome, and positive if well done and properly supervised. Pro tip: not all doctors are wholesome and count as proper supervision. Sometimes they rush the process and don’t listen. Get one that you click with.

30% Self Work

Why such a big percentage for self work? Because I’ve found it to be exceedingly important. Or, as someone else I know was told by their doctor ‘you have to want to get better’. You have to be active in the process. Are you anxious? Work on it. Are you psychotic? Work on it.

How do I propose we ‘work on it’? I propose meditation (within reason), self-reflection, journaling, and basically anything that makes you conscious of yourself and helps you improve on that.

30% Environmental Help

Now here’s where my recent experiences come in. Yes, being in nature helps. But it’s not always all about nature. Sometimes it’s about the people who surround us, talk with us, and who are our therapists and doctors. These people and spirits (depending on how involved you are with your spirits) have a large influence on us. They can support us or tear us down. Having support around us is immensely important, so that’s why I’m boosting it up to an equal 30%

10% Divine Intervention

I’ve had divine intervention in my life, in my healing process. And I truly think that they have a part to do in it all. They are the door openers, door keepers, and opportunity presenters. But will they open the doors for us? Will they zap us better? Very rarely. It’s mainly us who has to do the work (up in that 30%). So that’s why I leave divine intervention at 10%. You can expect their help, but not too much, and not too often. You can expect to do the hard work yourself, because this is your path.

I’m not saying that spirituality need only play a 10% part of your life. I’m saying that’s the work your Deities will do with/for you. But the gods count as support and spiritual activities can count as self-care and self-work. Spirituality in itself overlaps in all the layers, even in our approach to our medication.

In conclusion? I honestly just came up with this, but it rings true to me (can we call it divine inspiration?) and more importantly, it gives a framework that, I find, encompasses my experiences. I will be writing more, hopefully coming up with more details and a healing system/process for pagans and polytheists out there. Details may change, I may recant and decide the whole ting is schmuck, but I’m trying to reach out and help.

I really  believe that, as a community, we need to come up with methods and techniques and frameworks within which to heal and help those with mental illnesses and mental health problems. I’d really love to hear your input on this, in order to help start a conversation. Each and every one of you has experiences that can help us, as a community, move towards more methods to heal.

Moving and Claiming my own Inner Power

I’ve moved!

No, not on the internet. Physically, IRL, I’ve moved!

Now I could rant about how tiring it was, how dramatic the day we moved ‘the big stuff’ was, but I have found something more interesting to talk about.

You see, I’ve been fortunate enough to move into the countryside. And lo and behold, I’m relaxing in a way, on a deeper level, than I have in recent times. It feels good on the soul, like I’m putting a balm on a wound. My night spasms have gotten better. I’m sleeping better. I feel like I can just sit and relax, without having to ‘do something’. My hypervigilance is at an all-time low.

Is living in nature the only solution? Well, no. I currently upped my anti-depressant,  have started seeing changes in my body due to the hormones I’m taking, and have moved next to a friend (with my lovely wife). But all this together? It seems to be doing me wonders.

But, to take a note from my last appointment with my psychiatrist, what am I doing to make things go well? You see, I tend to focus upon the negative, but when things go well (as they are now) I tend to place the power into my circumstances. In doing so, I give my situation all the power over myself and leave none for me.

So. What am I doing that is making me better? I feel like I am ‘individuating’ as Jung would say. I take the time to relax and ‘just be’. I sit outside and meditate next to my little pond (yes I have a mucky little pond haha). I spend time out of doors relaxing in nature and near trees. I seperate my will from that of others.

What about that last point?

You see, I tend to allow others to define me. If they disagree with my being trans, it throws me all into a kerfuffle to say the least. But lately, I visited a church as a way of meeting my local community (and met no locals, surprisingly). In said church, during the sermon, the pastor railed on about the ‘attack on the family structure’ and various other things. As a trans person sitting there, I knew that he was railing about people like me.

And, surprisingly, I didn’t let it bother me. I kept myself from giving a damn. I seperated myself, my desires and life and beliefs, from his.

I also decided to not go back to that church despite the social pressure to go back. Another step forward for me, choosing my own health over the desires of others. It was difficult, but I did it.

And that’s all for now, lovelies. I hope this has helped some of you, or at least shone a bit of light on how various factors can help our mental health. I’ll try and take some nice pictures of my new home for y’all!

Manifesting Abundance

What a load of bullcrap. I have a deep-seated loathing towards ‘manifestation maniacs’, inspired by my own struggle with my daily thoughts. But, as the craze of ‘The Secret’ came and went, I started to cool off my anger and recently, I thought, hey, it’s ok. Just chill, you know?

And then!

When I wasn’t well lately, I called a local pastor simply to have someone to talk to about my problems. Well, did I get that tea! Literally, he took the opportunity and preached at me for about half an hour to nearly an hour. It was exhausting, victim-blaming, but what stuck with me was his notion that once I converted to Christianity all my problems would vanish and I would live ‘in abundance’. In short, I would have so much money and worldly comforts and my life would be easy peasy because God loves us and wants our lives to be nice.

Well, uh. Uhm. Have you noticed all the starving pious Christians world-wide? Like, if this was a matter of faith, I’m sure lots more Christians would be better off.

But here’s a thing. I despise how this ‘manifestation’ stuff so closely resembles this pastor’s bullcrap. It shifts the focus of spirituality onto physical wealth, under the guise of ‘abundance’. It frames physical wealth as a reward for spiritual success, blaming the poor for not being ‘spiritual enough’.

This ‘abundance’ stuff is basically just a wish to get wealthy. And people sell it, preying off of poor unsuspecting people who don’t realize that their focus is being shifted. Yes, to a degree, we can make our own worlds. We can control our minds. But why don’t we wish for good spiritual qualities, manifesting ourselves as kind, gentle, and peaceful instead of simply… wealthy?

I leave you with a post on the topic that inspired me to write this: HERE