How to Edit ~ Part 3

Alright, epically, you’ve written art. Cool. Good job. Now you’ve got to edit it.

Aughhhhh, no one wants to do that, but we’ve all got to do it. Especially us indie authors who have no editor friends. Also, even if you’re querying, it’s a good idea to edit your manuscript and polish it until your nerves are practically done before handing it out to anyone.

So how the hell does anyone edit something that they’ve written themselves? I’ve heard it said that it can’t be done, but again, I beg to fuckin’ differ.

Here’s how I approach editing: you want to read through the text and check for 1) ‘feel’ 2) technicalities 3) all the senses.

Now, I wrote those in order of importance. First, if your happy fairy tale suddenly has bugs bursting out of bodies, you’ve got a major problem, no matter your grammar. So first things first is to make sure that your ‘feel’ stays consistent, as much as you want it to.

Secondly, ‘Feel’ trumps grammar. If it’s part of your ‘feel’ for a character to speak like a sailor, then that sticks and grammar fucks off. If you have a character that talks like Yoda, then you keep it that way and forget about sentence structure. This is important, so I’ll repeat again: Feel trumps grammar.

So say you’ve read your chapter through and through, and the ‘feel’ is consistent. Then you move on to technicalities. Technicalities includes things like grammar, your character having the right color of hair throughout the entire story, and making sure that your bread is rising in the right direction (up and out) in your baking novel.

Also, this is the part where you make sure there are no gaping ‘plot holes’. If it helps, make a running chart or list of unfinished pointers and questions as you read the novel through. But you really want to make a point of tying them all in, without disturbing the ‘feel’.

You edit technicalities as long as they don’t interrupt the ‘Feel’. If they clash, you’ve got a major editing decision to make. If it’s part of the ‘feel’ of the story for your bread to not rise, then maybe you’ve got some researching to do as to why the bread isn’t rising and work that into the novel. Or maybe you’re writing a surreal novel? Either way, you want the ‘feel’ to work with your technicalities, not to clash. So work that out.

Third, and finally, and least important of all, you want to run through your novel and check if you satisfy all the senses. In my opinion, you’re going to want to immerse a reader by tickling all their senses, like sight, smell, taste, texture, and emotion.

So let’s go back to that apple and the knife. What does it feel like? Sharp? Crisp? What colors are they? Steely grey and bright red? What does it smell like? Sweet apples, I hope. What’s the emotion you’re trying to convey? Sadness, maybe?

Now, as I said, this is the last and least important. WHOAH! You’d think this’d be the most important, but it’s not. It’s even after grammar (and I hate grammar). Why, why, why? Because, if your ‘feel’ is already there and okay, not only should you already have a certain amount of senses covered, but you should already have chosen which sense you’ve covered.

If you start every paragraph by listing the senses, your writing is going to get dull fast. The point in checking this point is not to make sure they’re all always there, but that the right ones are at the right place. I’d say, on average, to aim for three to four senses to fill per scene. If you’re really setting a scene, aim for more. If you’re more spartan and want a ‘lighter’ feel, aim for less. That’s it.

Basically, that’s how you edit your novel. You can go nuts breaking down things and saying that you need to plot out the character’s love arc and double-check that it all makes ‘sense’ and whatnot, but really, I think that if you let your intuition reign while writing and editing and sticking to your ‘feel’, your story will turn out pretty good.

 

How to Write ~ Part 2

Writing! Oh, that mystical thing! How do we do it? People say there’s nothing to it, that it’s not magical, and I beg to differ.

Here’s the thing. Writing is, in itself, a craft. Much like knitting, it takes technique, practice, and experimenting with different techniques for someone to become fluent in it. But then what happens? You want to express something, and you create art.

See, a craft is meaningless, but it’s a gateway for the birth of art, which is meaningful.

So, you can have the world’s greatest idea, but without honing your craft first, you’re never going to be able to express that idea.

Alright, cool, we all want to make art. How do we do it?

If you’ve read the previous post, you now have an ‘idea’, and a ‘feel’. These are your precious nuggets of how you’re going to actually ‘write’.

Pretty much like knitting, writing is deceptively simple. You write. Duh. You stick words on paper/computer file. Wow, so artistic, you think.

But it’s not that simple. Writing, in my opinion, uses both the creative and logical parts of the brain, because it uses the logical side to write words, but the creative side to choose these words (I’m not a doctor here, this is just my theory okay?).

Now, here’s the thing. For me, there’s a ‘zone’ I get into when writing. It doesn’t feel like just sticking words on paper. Usually when I’m doing that, it turns out like crap. Stilted and blah. It isn’t art when I’m doing that. Why? I’d like to theorize that when I’m just sticking words onto paper, I’m not expressing the story, which is stored away in some spirit-bubble-dimension or what have you.

I like to think that good writing is like channeling a spirit, tapping into intuition. Something ‘clicks’ inside of you and the words flow. You get into the ‘feel’ and you intuitively choose the right words to create the art.

Alright, that’s all good and cool. We all want art, we all want ‘the magical flow’, so how do we get that?

Here’s another thing. It takes practice. Just like channeling (whether you believe in it or not), or even trance-work, you’re working on getting your brain to do a certain thing. Whether you’re taking an image/story bubble from within your mind or some spirit’s mind, you’re taking that story bubble/thoughtform and tapping into it, and then shooting it out your fingers onto the computer! Sort of. But you get the idea, don’t you?

One way I’ve found to express a story is to F&F. Forget the idea and Focus on the feel. Because unless you’re writing a textbook, the feel is what you’re immersing in. So, just for a moment, Forget about the ‘what’ and ‘how’. Forget all the technicalities and Focus on the ‘feel’. Think in images. Think in smells. Think (and here’s the real goal) in feelings. Express that feeling.

How the FUCK does one do that?

Well, let’s take get back to the apple and the knife cutting it. What ‘feeling’ does a knife give off, in this context? Is it destructive? Protective? A shield, a mental barrier, standing between an attacker and a defender? What color is it? What texture is it? Is it silver and glinting and sharply sparkling?

Sure, you can say that the knife is sharp and pointy. But if you transmit what it represents and the ‘feel’ of it in the story as a whole, you’re on to something.

Same goes for the apple, same goes for everything you write. Nothing in art is ever just an apple and a knife. It’s patriarchy versus matriarchy. It’s the industrial versus the farm. It’s steel against flesh. See where I’m going here? Everything can be so much more, and it’s this ‘so much more’ that you’re aiming for.

If you can do that, you’re well on your way to writing art.

Alright, so let’s talk concrete tips here.

Put music on that suits your theme. Are you writing rain and tragedy? Listen to rainy mood music. Put on incense that suits your intended ‘feel’. Heck, even get dressed up if it helps you. The point is: do anything that helps you get imitating that desired ‘feeling’. Once you’re in the mood imitating it, you can closer tap into the intended ‘feeling’.

Another tip that people say a lot is: write a lot. Write about anything and everything. Yeah, that’s great and all, but I’ve got another idea. Every day, try and write out your dreams.

Uh huh, not so easy, is it? Why? Because our dreams can sound silly and pointless, but when we were immersed in them, they carried so much ‘meaning’ and ‘feel’ to them. And that’s exactly what you’re wanting to get good at. If you can express the tragedy and terror of a nightmare, no matter the ridiculous premise of it, then you’re on to something.

Also, if you’re anything like me, you only half-remember your dreams. Writing these out and making them make sense is a great way to get used to tying ideas in together and ‘fill in the gaps’. This is also good memory practice, too.

Finally, dreams are connected to our intuition. I’m quite sure that writing out our dreams helps us tap into our subconscious or something like that. I think this could be mighty useful.

Now, I’m going to end these tips with one tip that I was told by a writing teacher, which I’ve honestly never tried but always thought was super cool: copy out another author’s work. Just that. Pick someone you want to write like, and copy out pages of their work.

If you struggle with getting a ‘feel’, this could be a way to gain one. The idea behind this is that you immerse into the ‘feel’ that the author created and, by copying it out, develop the mental pathways for those word choices. This will allow you to literally ‘think along those lines’ when trying to write your own works.

Ultimately, there is one final pointer I need to give you: -> Fuck It.

My best writing, my breakthroughs in tones, my great ideas, usually reveal themselves once I go ‘Fuck It!’ (with the exclamation mark) and just go with the flow and write whatever I want/feel for. It’s probably unorthodox, but I really stand by it. If you’re getting frustrated and feel like you’re reaching a breaking point, then just go ahead and break and see what happens next. Really, if art is what you’re aiming for, you’ve got to let the subconscious/mystical take over at some point.

How does one ‘Fuck It’? I don’t mean for anyone to get all violent and throw chairs at the walls. My ‘fuck it!’s are always quiet, internal affairs. I don’t lash out at anyone or start smoking or drinking or anything. In fact, – let it be known that I never write under influence of anything more than a light beer.

The art of ‘fuck it’ is really to just let go.  Let go of how you ‘think’ it should be, and just let it be it’s own thing. Really, that’s it. Stop thinking, and let the spirit move you. Let the story show itself to you instead of you creating it. Put your mind on the back burner and let the characters do their work.

It may sound like mystical mumbo jumbo, but that’s what works for me. I hope it works for you, too.

Thank you so much for reading my post! Do you feel like your writing is ‘channeling’/’tapping’ into something? Do you feel there is a mystical edge to the writing process? Let me know what you think!

As always, have a lovely day/evening. Much love to you all ❤

Step 7 ~ Make a Dedication

Now is the time where you will dedicate yourself to your healing path. A dedication can be very simple or elaborate, depending upon your abilities and what you feel will work for you.

In the past, I’ve always found it tempting to do great and elaborate rituals, yet I never found those to be useful for me, magically speaking. As a mentally ill person, I never had the mental resources to do more than plan out a ritual. Even that, depending on my state, could be too much. So instead I ended up doing very simple things, such as tying a red string to my finger to remember to use my service dog and to rely upon her instead of trying to be independent.

The point of this dedication is to mark the beginning of your healing efforts -> to yourself. You’ll want it to have two parts. One will be a large piece that will ‘contain’ and ‘radiate’ all the energy and hope you’re putting into this. It will serve to remind you or why you’re doing this, how you’re doing it, and what methods you’re trying to use. Hopefully it will inspire you and encourage you to keep going when the going gets tough. I’m thinking something like a large collage in your home, or even a shelf that you decorate, complete with the deities that you will call upon for healing, etc.But it can be as simple as a picture of a beach or nature or a deity. Whatever works for you.

The second part will be a small piece that you will wear upon yourself or carry with you, to remind you of the commitment you’ve made. It could be a simple bead, a ring, or even a string tied (not too tightly) to your finger. The idea here is a reminder that will accompany you tangibly through your struggles. Again, choose something that will work for you. Maybe an image of a bird, free and flying without fear. Maybe a meditating figure, serene and calm.

So once you know what images or objects, crystals, herbs, etc, you want to use as your two dedication pieces, how do you go about making them? Here’s how I suggest going about it.

  1. Design your objects. Take a few days to think on it, sketch it out, and sleep on it. Make sure it’s something that’ll be meaningful, but don’t worry about it not being ‘meaningful enough’. You can always redo this ritual later if you feel it’s not meaningful enough.
    • Pro tip: on the larger of the two objects, plan a space for you to place markers of your successes. It can be a hand to place flowers in, empty space to glue up pictures, etc. Just remember that you will have victories and that you will want to commemorate them, which will help you on your path!
  2. Pick a time where you will not be disturbed and feel calm and collected
  3. Gather all your materials to your work space
  4. Cleanse your space however your tradition dictates. If you have no tradition, I suggest wafting around your favorite burning incense (air and fire) and then to sprinkle salt water around (earth and water). I suggest doing this in a circular motion around the space you will be using, as much as possible.
  5. Summon your higher self, deity, mother earth, grigori, etc. Ask them for their aid in performing this ritual. Don’t summon an entire pantheon! Summon just those who you feel called to or who you think are necessary.  If you are unsure of who to summon at all, use a summoning like this “I call upon those spirits or beings who guide and love me, who wish to aid me in my healing path, to be here now and to aid me’.
  6. If you feel up to it, cast a circle according to your traditions/beliefs. If you’re not up to it, don’t.
  7. Meditate upon what you are going to make, and ask the spirits/higher self how they think it should be done. If you get sudden urges or ideas that seem particularly nice, it could be them speaking.
    • If your inspiration seems overly ‘weird’ or ‘out there’ or bizarre, just don’t do it. In my experience, these were not divinely inspired, just the result of my weird brain doing its thing.
  8. Calmly, thank the spirits for their insight and guidance. Trust that they are with you, and begin making your objects without judgment. Remember that this is not a beauty contest. It’s all about the result having meaning and power for you.
  9. When you are done (or done for the moment), consecrate the objects. Hold them in your hands (or hold your hands above them) and dedicate them to your healing.
    • For both objects you can say something like “I dedicate this ___ (object one and two) to aid me in my healing, to remind me of my path in healing, and to channel inner guidance to me when I most need it. Please __ (deities or higher self) bless and consecrate it to guide and strengthen me on my path to healing.”
    • If your tradition has specific ways to ‘bring something to life’, you can use those methods. Options are the ‘laying in darkness’ used by the nordic paths to then ‘birth’ the named object into the light, simply naming it and willing it to be awake and ready, or blessign it with the four elements, or burying it out into the earth to then be ‘birthed’  when you dig it up.
  10. Thank you deities/higher self and dismiss/say goodbye in whatever formal terms you wish to use. My favorite is ‘stay if you will, go if you must’. If you can’t remember phrases to save your life, a simple thank you and ‘I’m going to clean up now’ works fine as well.
  11. Clean your work space. Take the time to put everything away and clean up as much as possible. Don’t consider this a ‘chore’, but see it as part of the ritual, an essential sacred thing. Take it as a chance to see yourself putting order into your world.
  12. Now that you have your objects ready to aid and guide you, place them in their dedicated space. You will want to begin immediately keeping the smaller one near you and the larger one in its space in your home.
  13. Rest, relax, and return to normal space and frame of mind. Rest, eat ‘cakes and ale’ (something nutritious and something hydrating), and return to your normal state of being.
  14. Once you feel grounded and well, acknowledge what you have done. Take stock of it, and realize that now you are embarking onto your path of healing, officially. From this moment on, you are walking that path. Congratulate yourself mindfully.
  15. Declare your intention to heal to those around you whom you trust. You can call it ‘putting it out there’ into the universe. Share with them whatever you feel comfortable sharing, be it just your intention to heal, to including how you want to do it and even which healers or doctors you wish to see. Just let them know that you’re trying to heal. It may encourage them to support you in the future, or at least explain what you’re trying to do.

“My Mother Had a Massive Stroke” – help needed!

Yikes! If you follow the bipolar writer blog or appreciate what they do at all, check out their latest post and donate to their fundraiser if you can! James’ mother had a stroke! Please consider helping out in any any you can ❤

https://thebipolarwriter.blog/2019/12/09/the-bipolar-writer-needs-your-prayers/

5 Tips to Vocalize Your Needs

I got sick recently. I had a sort of a cold whose preliminary symptoms (sniffles, extra exhaustion) I passed off as “nothing”. Not surprisingly, the aftermath was more than “nothing”. As I struggled for two days with debilitating dizziness, nausea, and exhaustion, my wife kept asking me how I was doing, what I was experiencing. My go-to- answer that kept popping into my head? “Oh, I’ll live”.

Let’s just say she didn’t find that useful. I was so exhausted when it came for bedtime that I could barely arrange the blankets (I needed three to keep from feeling cold) without crying. But hey, I was going to survive, right?

Of course I friggin’ survived, but that’s not the point. The point is that I, due to my experiences in the mental health system and my upbringing, couldn’t even vocalize my pain. I couldn’t make heads or tails of how to ask for help, figure out my needs, and – my favorite kicker – I felt guilty for not doing the dishes even though walking was a chore.

So as I was laying in bed last night, feverish, the world pulsing around me and my lungs coughing phlegm, I thought “dammit, this isn’t right”. It’s not right that surviving is our category for needing help.

We deserve to be well. We, unlike those dumb slogans about ‘getting stronger’, don’t deserve the pain. Take the Tylenol, take your meds people, and reach out for help. But how do we do that? How do we articulate our mental health pains? Here are 5 suggestions.

  1. Evaluate it as a physical pain.
    1. Try using a 1-10 scale of pain.
  2. Notice your thought patterns and vocalize that. What we sometimes just assume as ‘background noise’ is in fact terribly important. For example, when I am really unwell I get racing thoughts that echo over and over non-stop. I tend not to notice it starting, but it shows how incoherent my thoughts are, and is one way to explain it to others.
  3. Notice your physical ticks. Do you want to hug yourself? Roll into a little ball and cry? Are you itchy? Vocalize that.
  4. Can you think? If that seems hard to answer, the answer is ‘no’.
  5. Have you fed yourself/hydrated/showered? If not, TELL those who are close to you. These are signs that can help them evaluate how you are doing.

Islam and I… A Polytheist’s Experience

Well WhAAAAAAAT? Islam? Me? I know, right?

Let me get into storyteller mode here. Ahem…

It was a bleak morning. The crescent moon had just been covered by a shivering cloud. Gusts of icy wind rustled through dead leaves.

I honestly think it was inspired from a dream. It sort of just came to me, this compulsion to cover my head, especially before the shrine. It happened so recently after a particularly stressful day of attending a street festival. My wife had just congratulated me on holding up well to the stress.

And now, boom. I wanted to cover my head. With a scarf, particularly.

I did research on shrines and head covering and pagans and headscarves. It seemed to be a uniquely female thing, and so I begged to be let into Facebook groups. I was steered towards one that accepted all genders.

I met some fabulous people there. They happened to be muslim – and suddenly I was compelled to do like them, and pray five times a day. After all, I was trying to meditate more, so why not pray AND meditate five times a day?! At this point I was trying to meditate five times a day, ten minutes a piece.

But, prayer? Because it’s related to the sun, right? And so it can be pagan! And then one by one, tick after tock, I began seeing Islamic practices popping up before me. I realized Allah must be calling me. I felt a pull to worship that deity. I began reading more and more about Islam, even going to the library and taking out books on it.

I noticed patterns Islam seemed everywhere around me, even in shoes at the thrift store. I grew ecstatic during prayer and meditation. My moods became terrible. I resisted any questioning of my new path. Within a matter of three days, I went from being completely uninterested in Islam and viewing it as a curious thing to which I’ve often been pulled to, to praying 6 times a day, one of which I had to wake up in the middle of the night for.

Once or twice, my wife pointed out that this wasn’t like me. But I ignored her.

I questioned my gender. I compulsively shopped, shaking from anxiety but unable to stop myself. My anxiety and logic was so bad I had difficulty expressing myself and speaking.

After about two weeks of this, a friend pointed out the warning signs. She anxiously suggested I speak to someone.

At first, I was all ‘yeah, I know’, for I had sensed something ‘off’ ever since this conversion process began. It felt like a radiating spot of light, a strange before and after wherein i entered into a new zone. Also, I now felt like whatever I prayed for, Allah would give me. It felt like it. I was given ‘signs’ and once even wondered if I was going to become a prophet or something. It just felt like I was being carried on this wave of transformation – and somehow I knew it was wrong.

After my friend talked to me about it, I noticed the telltale signs. I grew worried, catastrophically so. I called a health  hotline and inquired what to do. Luckily, I already had an appointment scheduled with my psychiatrist.

Then, wiping away my tears, I went to bed. That’s it!, I decided. It’s just another mental episode. I know how to cope with this.

Or do I?

I’ve spent the last three days covered in blankets, tears, and unable to get off the couch. Yesterday I celebrated when I was able to brush my hair. Today, relatives are arriving to help by bringing me food and help with the dishes I haven’t been able to keep up with. My apartment is a mess and my sick wife has been having to pick up all the pieces.

Because, you see, I wasn’t ready for the crush and fall of realizing that it might have all been fueled by mental illness. It had just been so real. So incredible. And now I’m questioning not only all of it, but the motives of Allah for appearing during a mental breakout. I just… it’s a mess. Trying to draw the line between what was real, what I might have imagined/hallucinated, and what ever else was going on… it’s incredibly exhausting and disheartening. It just makes me miserable.

So that’s it folks. That’s all that’s happened to me. Some fabulous friends are going to talk to their therapists about me so that I can maybe get some tips and perspective in the meantime of waiting for my psychiatrist. But until I see my psychiatrist, I’m just coping I guess. And even then, I’ll still have to scope  out what’s real.

I’ll also have to get a corner of the house to stop telling me to cover my head. Shrines don’t do that, do they? I think I’ll take that shrine down. It bothers me now. It faces Mecca (another sign! Gasp!) and it reminds me of everything that happened. I just can’t stand it any more.

Until next time, take care y’all.

 

How I Feel, aka Fuck This Shit

It has been some time that people have been telling me that I lack confidence. That I lack the pazzazz and strength I once had. That’s unfortunate, because when was this mythical time that I was confident and secure in myself? Was it before my mental illness busted over me like a water balloon? Was it before some awful trauma happened to me?

No. It was before I realized I was transgender.

Mind you, I still had intense body issues then – I was just busy ignoring them. I was non-functional but I would readily argue everything and anything with all my breath. I was proud of who I was – and willing to defend myself.

And then I realized I wasn’t where I wanted to be. I wasn’t ‘who’ I wanted to be. I confronted my bodily issues, and instead of covering up and hiding what was there, I tried to ‘transition’ towards the body that I wanted. I tried, an esoteric person would say, to ‘manifest’ it.

Well bummer. I’ve never been more insecure as all the years since then. And people have noticed. Yes, I am more comfortable with my body. I feel truer to myself and like I am actually reaching for goals that are true to my soul. But… was it worth it?

Before, in my ignorance, in my bliss, I was confident and brave. Now, I am not. I actually consider giving up on my transition and just living the rest of my life in drag and just ‘being a woman’.

Why? What made such a dramatic shift in me?

I think the answer is inherent to the way that ‘transgender’ is viewed in the public, and of many things that are inherent to it.

See, in the public perception, we see transgender as being these super beautiful people that ‘pass’ super well. Super hot guys are held up as models of FTM success, and super beautiful women with makeup on perfectly as models of MTF success. So that, inherently, is how a transgender person feels they should be. But, incidentally, that’s exactly the opposite of how transgender people naturally look. Because let’s face it. A lot of us probably look like the sex we are born into (I look like a woman) and maybe we’re not hot, so we look like frumpy and dumpy versions of that sex. I, quite honestly, am fat. A fat woman with big breasts and big hips and yuck. I don’t like myself. I’ve been constantly gaining weight ever since discovering my trans identity and guess what? I’ve gained so much weight now it’s getting to be a health concern (in my opinion, not a medical one). I’m quite sure I am technically obese now.

The point is, were I a beautiful trans advertisement of what awesome trans-ness looks like -> I would be this awesome epically buff buff muscly guy with a shaved head and busting biceps. I’m not. I don’t pass no matter three years of intensely trying to pass. No matter my trendy man-styled hair and mens’ clothes and trying to lift weights -> I. Don’t. Pass.

Where does this leave me? It leaves me feeling like I am not trans ‘enough’. That I need to get in shape, that I need to become more and more masculine! That I can’t wear eyeliner.

And the problem is, when discovering a new identity, when unveiling something so private and close to yourself, you want to be the truest to it -> and everyone tells you how to do it. Because ‘this is what trans looks like’ apparently. Super successful ‘passing’ people.

And you know what else? There’s a majoy shift in something else when you are transgender. Suddenly your gender depends not on you, but on other people’s perceptions of it.

WHAT? What do I mean? Trans-ness is all about self-identifying!

Yes, but getting people to identify and respect it is all about their perceptions of you. And because this is something you really care about, you want to succeed. You want to nourish this new part of yourself. For me, I want people to call me ‘he’. So how do you do that?

Well, trans-ness is not visible. So who knows if you’re trans unless they just take your word for it? Who will suddenly start calling you by your proper pronouns? The people who can see the results in some way. Strangers to whom you ‘pass’.

And don’t just tell me that wearing the proper clothes will do it. I’ve been wearing men’s clothes since about ten years now in general and can count the number of time I’ve been gendered properly on one hand. I don’t know if this is a particularly FTM problem, but I bet it’s fucking difficult for MTF’s too.

So clothes doesn’t do it. And you know what? Telling people doesn’t do it either, half the time.

Because you’re not enough. Because, if you don’t fit their perception of masculinity, you bet they’re going to question it. I’ve had very accepting and loving people challenge me on it, because I’m too ‘feminine’ in my presentation. Most people believe that it has to do with how I present, therefore they’re waiting for me to magically (with hormones) appear masculine enough for them to address me as ‘he’.

But fuck!

It doesn’t work that way. I’m feminine. I like high heels. I feel like slaying when I wear eyeliner. Does any of this help me ‘pass’? No. So you know what I’ve tended to do? Throw out my eyeliners and heels. Heels have started giving me massive dysphoria simply because of people’s perceptions of them.

And you know what else? The concept that trans people are going to magically transition into a socially acceptable version of their gender is ableist. Because you know what? You have to be mentally stable in order to get on hormones. Which I am not. Which many people are not. Which really hurts, because I don’t see myself as ‘completed’ or ‘there yet’ or ‘truly myself’ until I get on them. But will I ever be stable enough to do that? Will I ever get there? Who knows?

What I do know is that I have a lot of self-work to do. I’ve been repressing myself, unknowingly, by trying so hard to be true to myself. Isn’t it weird? Ugh.

So how do I start fixing this? With eyeliner, apparently.

Bitch, I’m slaying.