Mental health, Mental Illness, Spirituality

So, in this blog post (and the video that will go along with it, at the bottom of this post), I’d like to talk about the difference between mental health and mental illness, and why that matters in a spiritual context.

Mental health and mental illness often get confused together, called the same thing, and mish-mashed together by the general populace. But! They are not the same thing at all.

Mental health relates to your mental well-being. This is: “our emotions, our thoughts and feelings, our ability to solve problems and overcome difficulties, our social connections, and our understanding of the world around us.” SOURCE

Meanwhile, “A mental illness is an illness the affects that way people think, feel, behave, or interact with others.” SOURCE

So, when someone is talking about their mental health, they’re talking about their moods, how they’re feeling, and how they can cope and interact with things. But when it comes to mental illness, one is talking about symptoms that are debilitating, crippling, and are diagnosed as things like depression, anxiety, bipolar, etc. SOURCE

Now, mental health and mental illness are NOT the same thing, but they are related. There’s this really useful image right here, that explains a whole lot, at least to me. SOURCE

Basically, mental health and mental illness are linked upon an axis. Mental health is the ‘up and down’, while mental illness is the sideways ‘left and right’. Or the y and x axis, if you feel like calling them that.

This means that one can have poor mental health without it being a mental illness, and vice versa.

Personally, I think I have pretty good mental health, at least in some aspects. I’m grateful, I like to see the positive aspects of things, and I try and be mindful (try being the key word, haha). But this good mental health does not imply no mental illness, as the diagram shows, as one can have good mental health while having a serious mental illness.

Now, what does this have to do with spirituality?

Well, because of the confusion of mental health and mental illness, people tend to assume that spirituality can heal it all. But, at least in my perspective and from what I’ve understood of the mental health and mental illness divide, spirituality can only affect mental health (outside of it being a miracle).

Now, there are plenty of great articles out there about how spirituality affects mental health. If this interests you, I encourage you to read up on them!

In my opinion, spiritual practices can help foster things like gratitude, positive thoughts, and a sense of connection with the world and promote happier and more fulfilling social connections. But these are things that fall under the mental health category, not mental illness.

I think you’d be hard pressed to find a reputable scholarly article about spirituality healing a mental illness. This is because mental illness is not dependent upon mental health or happiness or gratitude. Your outlook, gratitude, prayer, and positivity can all be on point and great, but you can still have a mental illness. This is because mental illness is, well, an illness, and not dependent upon our mental health.

Now, why is this distinction important?

Here’s the thing: because people confuse mental health and mental illness, they think that mental illness can be prayed away, meditated away, etc, etc, etc,.

But mental illness is an illness based in neurology! Unless one believes that their spirituality will heal a broken leg, I don’t see why it would heal mental illness. In my opinion, it’s a similar experience, a similar required amount of ‘spiritual woo woo’ and energy healing.

Another important point in this distinction of mental health and mental illness is that people confuse which one they had, and then go on to believe and assert that prayer or other spiritual practices did, in fact, heal an illness. In fact, they believe that’s what happened to them!

However, a person suffering from a mental illness will often not be able to function and perform the mental health practices, nor will they see any positive results, as their problems are neurological in nature, not mental health related.

This mix-up between mental health and mental illness ends up placing a huge amount of pressure upon a person with mental illness. Because spiritual practices are so beneficial to those with mental health issues and because there is no distinction between mental health and mental illness, there becomes an expectation that spirituality will be able to heal a mental illness. Furthermore, as these practices ‘worked’ for those without mental illness, the blame for the lack of success becomes placed not upon the process (because it has been ‘proven’ to work), but upon the person with the mental illness.

In cases like this, the person with a mental illness who isn’t achieving results is often seen as not being ‘spiritual’ enough, or not trying ‘hard’ enough. This is very damaging.

Here’s a link to the video I made where I discuss this, for those who prefer videos to written material!

Why write about Spirituality and Mental Illness?

Well, before I get back into my groove of writing about mental illness, it occurred to me that I should maybe explain the ‘why’ behind the decision to talk about mental illness and spirituality.

There’s a saying that goes (and I really don’t remember where it’s from) something along the lines of how the most earnest prayers come from people in hospitals. I think this is particularly true about people in psych wards, or who are dealing with mental illness.

People turn to spirituality when they are hurt, confused, or generally lost. And mental illness makes you feel that, in an strange way sometimes. Because mental illness isn’t seen as a physical problem, its invisible and most don’t realize it’s got physical roots, people don’t turn immediately to doctors. Sadly, people actually refuse to see doctors for mental illness because of perceptions and biases that have their roots in spiritual beliefs.

Some of these are ones like: mental illness is the result of a curse, or God’s punishment for a lack of faith, or the result of being estranged from God. It can also be believed to be an imbalance of chakras that only requires meditation to be cured, spirit possession, or (my personal pet peeve, and one that truly held me back) the belief that mental illness is some sort of psychic ‘breakthrough’.

A bunch of these are due to the conflation/mix of mental health and mental illness. Due to the lack of understanding on the difference of these two, people will often try and use spirituality and spiritual practices (which can be beneficial to mental health) to treat mental illness.

Personally, when I went out with my service dog for mental illness, people would often ask me what the dog was for. Once they found out it was for mental illness, these strangers would often end up giving me some sort of advice or opinion on mental illness. Most of these were spiritual perspectives that were against medication and ‘western medicine’, as well as conventional therapy.

Similarly, when I really struggled with my mental illness and was unmedicated, people often threw spiritual advice at me. It was all anti medication and anti conventional doctors. Now that I am medicated and happily so, I find it really disturbing that there is so much anti-medication sentiment out there! I sometimes wonder what my path to healing would have been like if I had been surrounded by more realistic approaches.

Anyways, now that I am in a better space mentally, I think it’ll be nice to get back into talking about mental illness and spirituality. I think it’ll do me good, as it’s something that I really care about, and love discussing with others. I find it nourishing and cleansing.

I also want to really show others that getting conventional help is not anti spirituality. I once met a doctor in training at a mental health clinic, and he was really surprised to hear that not all spirituality is against medication, and that I had arguments against those points. It made for a very interesting discussion, but also showed me that there wasn’t much perspectives out there that are spiritual and embracing of actual treatment for mental illness.

Anyways, that’s all I have to say for today! I will be posting a video to MY CHANNEL soon about these points, and it will basically be a copy of this post. I’m doing this because some formats are easier for some people and not everyone likes reading, and I’m hoping to make this as available as possible.

I wish you all a lovely day ❤

Unhinged… The Vlog?

Hi everyone! I’m happy to announce that I’m hopefully going to be doing mental health videos.

It’s been a little bit that I’m wondering if I’ll get back into my mental health blogging, and I think I will. But I really want it to be a positive thing in my life, and to come from a positive space, not to be a grumpy rant. So, as YouTube videos have been a fun thing for me, I’m thinking of doing those, as well as some written blog posts.

I’m thinking of discussing technical aspects around mental illness and spirituality. I’m really hoping that these videos and posts can be educational and resourceful for people, especially those suffering from mental illness.

Hopefully I’ll have some guests who can come onto my blog and discuss some stuff with me, so if you have a mental illness/mental health issue and you want to talk about it within a spiritual context, let me know!

If you have topics you’d like to suggest, or things you’d like to see me talking about (not researching, I don’t feel like researching, just talking from a personal perspective), let me know!

Wishing you all a very lovely day, and hoping you’ll like these videos! ❤

Back Again ~ Hopefully to a New Start

I had a dream last night. I dreamt that I was coming to the conclusion that it was wrong of me to have pulled this blog from the web, and that I would resume my blogging.

The truth is, I’ve been feeling guilty lately about pulling my blog from the web. Maybe it’s inflated of me, but I like to think that my blog posts help people, even in a small way, to understand and cope with their mental illness. So, pulling this blog from the internet felt mean to me. Like I was taking away what someone might need in their moment of darkness.

But the fact is also that I feel vulnerable. I’m no longer sure of my spiritual foundations. Mental illness, psychosis, and the weird nuances of it all are getting to me. How do I define my beliefs? I do not know anymore. I’m really not sure, and frankly, am not sure I will ever be sure.

The thing is, when you get feelings and calling that contradict your beliefs, life gets weird. It gets weirder when you’re not sure what’s psychosis and what’s medication and what’s genuine – and how does it all tie in?

Anyways, this post is just to say that I’m going to be trying to bring this blog back to life, but hopefully not too personal of a way so that I feel like taking it down again.

Wishing you all the best ❤

Step 4 – Pick a Treatment Method

Now is when you refer back to your self-research you did on how you believe in treating mental illness. Now is the time to figure out how you want to treat yourself.

Start by clearing your mind of things such as fears and anxieties. Don’t let fear make your decisions for you, but rather what you truly believe in. You can do a small meditation, cleanse the air with incense, ring a bell a few times, and ground yourself.

Then, once you feel ready emotionally and your mind is clear, set yourself to this particular task.

Don’t get bogged down in the details of treating your symptoms, such as ‘how do I manage to take the bus?’. Think of the bigger picture here, and of your values.  Answer these questions.

• Do I want to take medication?
• Do I want to be followed by a doctor?
• Do I want to check into a mental health ward?
• Do I want to do therapy, see a psychologist, attend support groups, etc?
• Do I want to try by altering my nutrition intake/diet?
• Do I want to try ‘alternative’ treatments, such as naturopaths, aromatherapy, etc?
• Do I want to heal only via ‘spiritual’ techniques, like aura cleansing, rituals, etc?
• What do I have the means to do?

Once you’ve answered these questions, you should have a better picture of how you want to treat yourself. Now that you’ve made a list of what kind of treatment you want, the time has come to consult your tarot/spirits/inner archetypes.

First, do whatever rituals you feel necessary to dispel any negative energy/miasma that this activity may have caused you, and try and achieve a positive space for your readings. Then, when you feel ready and all your crystals are in place, do readings on your preferred treatment options. Ask them (whoever that is for you, be it deities or your inner selves) what they think about your treatment options.

Again, be honest. Write down without judgement or fear what comes to you. They may very well contradict what you want. Avoid questions fueled from fear and focus on ones that pinpoint which treatment options are best for you and lead to your healing. Questions may be ‘will checking in to the local psychiatric ward help heal me?’ if you are using a yes or no option or a two situation outcome reading, or ‘what is the most plausible outcome on my mental health if I was to check into the psychiatric ward?’.

The important thing is to face the situations here head on. Don’t be afraid of what answers your divination will bring you. Let it flow, and let them say what they have to say, without you judging them.

Then, when you’ve asked about all your possible treatment options, even the ones you’re not fond of, close the divination session. This is important. You want to be the one to make your decisions, not them. You are the responsible one here, and you don’t want a million voices clouding your judgement.

Close your ritual/seance/reading, and take a moment to ground yourself. Close your eyes and relax into a small meditation, or take a brisk walk out of doors if you are able. Whatever method you choose, reground into yourself and who you are. Then, move on to the next step.

Now you will take your choices and compare it to the reading/divination results. Now is the time to acknowledge what terrifies you (you can take a sheet of paper for that as well) but also to compare your thoughts with the wisdom you’ve been offered.

An IMPORTANT NOTE HERE: If your reading feels wonky/inconsistent/unreliable, and unusual to you, -> CHUCK IT. The point being, if it’s not something you’re willing to stick beside and that you really feel is right according to your spirits, don’t use it. Do another reading on another day or get someone else to do the reading for you.

Sometimes we’re too close to the matter to do a reading for ourselves and it gets all jumbled. That’s okay. Sometimes our fears are so strong they cloud the reading and that’s okay too. The important thing it to take a moment and use our discernment here. Is this a reading we are willing to stick by? If no, and it feels weird to you, chuck it. If yes, and it feels like painful truths, then continue.

Now, drawing upon the wisdom of your divinations and your own desires that you wrote down at the beginning of this exercise, make a new sheet. Be fair and take into consideration both what you want, but also what the spirits/inner self thinks is best for you. Really, only you can choose between the two, but you have to make a choice. Lucky you if what you and the spirits wants aligns! But if not, then you’ve got decisions to make.

Once you’ve made the decisions, write them down one by one. Then, stick that to your fridge or somewhere visible. Bring it to your doctor if you want. These are the kinds of treatments you’re willing to try, and that’s your decision for the time being. You’ve chosen your path.

If you’ve gotten this far, good job. If not, good job for trying, take a deep breath, and try again on a better day.

I strongly suggest that you take some time to rest and cleanse yourself emotionally after this. Dealing with treatment options can be terrifying and stressful, so cleanse yourself, shower, go for a nature walk, or nap to resource yourself. Don’t forget to congratulate yourself as well for taking your health into your hands. Good job!

Praying the Rosary?

As with so many of my spiritual bursts, it started with a dream. I dreamed of Buddhas and Christian icons, particularly a little wooden one of Jesus, and rosaries. When I woke up I went ‘ah’, and continued on my day.

But I kept thinking of rosaries. And so, the other day, I picked them up and was like ‘okay, what am I supposed to be doing with these?’. Well, as a pagan I wasn’t completely comfortable with them for the longest time, but then the other day I went ‘oh fuck it’, and decided to pray the rosary in the most Catholic of ways.

Well, it was nice. It was comforting, if a bit difficult to manage all the prayers and themes off the cuff like that. But I liked the structure. So I decided to keep doing it, along with reading the book from the Dalai Lama that I’m working on.

Now, I’m still pagan. But praying the rosary feels like coming home, making peace with the Catholic faith in a way. Integrating it into my daily spiritual life.

You see, my family has a long history of Catholicism. One of my grandmothers (that I never met) used to send my family prayer cards and plastic rosaries (even glow in the dark ones!). I kept and still have all the prayer cards, and was delighted to see that I still have a blue plastic rosary. She used to send blue ones for the boys and pink ones for the girls. How I ended up with the blue one is strange, but I think of it as a nice sign. Maybe she approves of my transition.

In any case, I was sifting through Catholic stuff online, thinking of those prayer cards she used to send when it struck me that -> not all my ancestors were pagan. I know, duh. But the ones that are the closest to me, who probably care about me the most, were Catholic.  Now they weren’t blind Catholics. Many practiced tarot and had their own opinions, but remained Catholic in their self-definition. Anyways, it just struck me that praying the Rosary and collecting prayer cards could be a lovely way to connect with those ancestors.

I mean, there’s got to be a reason that I have so many rosaries. I’ve got like five -> and I never set out to collect them or even keep them. It just happened.

Anyways, I’m not quite sure what to make of this development, honestly. I’m just going with what feels good right now. What’s odd is that my patron deity (Lucifer) seems plenty happy with this turn of events. And what also strikes me as odd is how satisfying it is. I’ve always felt that within paganism there is a lack of order, discipline, and depth. But delving into Catholic stuff, I feel that order and depth that I’ve been looking for. It just feels like so much of what I’ve been looking for from paganism is there in Catholicism. Which is strange.  But hey, I’m really not going to overthink this. I have enough on my plate emotionally right now that I’m just going fuck it. If it feels good and makes me feel better I’m going to do it. Which, coincidentally, the rosary has been doing. I find that because it has such an opening and a closing with the sign of the cross, it helps me get in and out of a meditative state relatively okay. Or so I feel.

Anyways who knows. Maybe this will be another of my strange bursts that makes very little sense. Maybe it’ll pass. Or maybe this is a new way to connect with my ancestors. Either way, there’s this song from the Notre Dame theater production that I’ve had stuck in my head for two days now. For those who don’t speak french, it’s a song about the gypsies asking for refuge in the city of Paris from Mother Mary (Notre Dame). It feels timely for me.

Suicide and Wicca ~ An’ Harm Ye None

“An’ Harm Ye None”. One day I’m going to be sick and tired of interpreting this phrase, but that day is not today!

After writing my last post about suicide and paganism, I decided to do some googling. Basically, I typed ‘wicca suicide’ into google and was hoping for some sort of enlightening result. After all, if there was some sort of dialogue happening out there about suicide and Wicca, dear old Google would surely find it, right?

Now, I’m not saying that ‘nobody’ out there is talking about it, but it sure as crap seemed that way when the Google search came up. It was a bunch of articles, some about cults, some about (unfortunately) suicides. But from what I saw -> no discussion about the overlapping of Wiccan philosophy and suicide.

Now granted, I haven’t done an intensive research here. Feel free to drop in with your own links, as well as anything useful!

But there was a method to my madness (hah!) and I did that crappy half-hearted research for a reason. I wanted to see if there were resources readily and easily available to anyone doing a quick search in an attempt at help. The answer is that no, there isn’t easy resources.

This is terrible! Wicca is a rapidly growing religion ranking up there with some of the big monotheistic ones, and we have no suicide resources? Blah!

So what can we do? I would like to suggest that bloggers take up the topic. Try and think about how suicide fits into your wold-view, your afterlife, your concepts of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’. I’m not expecting everyone to write a book, but just breach the topic. Let’s start a conversation here.

And so, in order to lead by example (not that I’m a great example anyways) I’m going to do my part and talk about suicide and Wicca, specifically suicide and the Wiccan Rede of ‘an harm ye none, do as ye will’.

Now the immediate response to ‘an harm ye none’ and the notion of suicide is that the Rede means, point-blank, no harm. This usually is seen as meaning to cause no immediate harm, such as inflicting pain upon creatures. Suicide is seen as being the result of an immediate form of harm. Why? Because in order to die, one must (usually) harm the body in some severe way. Going with the interpretation of the Rede as meaning to cause no (immediate) harm, it seems that the Rede is against suicide.

Or is it? You see, when I was suicidal, I contemplated suicide not as a painful thing, but as a form of release. A blissful step into an endless void of relaxation. Now how does this line up with the Rede?

I, personally, would argue that the Rede still orders us to not harm ourselves physically. I would even take it a step further and say that, as suicide causes very painful repercussions to those around us, we must avoid suicide in order to not harm our loved ones as well.

However! And here’s where I find the situation gets tricky. Are we harming ourselves (and thereby others) by remaining alive and entrenched in our misery? Is suicide really self-harm when the aim is, much like self-harm, to reduce the amount of pain and suffering? I would argue that, in certain cases, assisted death is an ethical option according to the Rede.  How?

Well, consider the amount of pain that a person is in due to their being alive. Consider the harm being brought to those who are surrounding them, watching their loved one suffer and never being able to alleviate their pain. This is often a large amount of pain and suffering!

In the case of ethical assisted death/suicide, as far as I know of it (and I do not know much) the person wishing to die must go through many doctors and all other options of recovery must have been exhausted. This procedure ensures that the person has received treatment, and isn’t merely wishing to die due to a lack of treatment.

Now, in this procedure (that, again, I know very little of), there is a chance that those who know the suffering person will be informed of the person’s choices and be able to understand the reasons why. Due to this, I think that their suffering can be minimized.

Furthermore, in the case of assisted suicide, the person wishing to die is able to die on their own terms. They are mentally prepared for the process and have physical assistance. I would argue that the harm they are causing to themselves in this situation may be less than the pain that living would bring them. In this case, where the harm of living outweighs the harm caused by death, I think that assisted suicide is ethical according to the Rede.

Now, granted, this is a case of choosing between two forms of harm and choosing the lesser harm. Some may say that doing this is against the Rede. I will argue that that depends upon your interpretation of the Rede.

While some interpret the Rede as meaning to do strictly no harm, others would argue that it is impossible to do no harm at all! Even when eating plants, we are harming plants, and stealing food from bugs and deer. So to these people, the Rede is merely advising us to do as little harm as possible. It is with this interpretation that I am justifying my above argument, as I personally find that it is impossible to cause no harm at all, especially in the repercussions of our actions.

Does this mean that suicide is always an answer then? No, I do not think so, and I think it even less in the case of mental illness. Why? Because I believe in recovery. I believe that medication, spirituality, and a balanced environment can greatly help alleviate pain and suffering. And I sincerely believe that in order to apply the Rede, we must do all in our power to try and cease our suffering in as non-harmful way a way as possible first.

This leads me to say that applying the Rede  to suicidal thoughts involves radical self care. It means to take your medication and consult doctors, to call help lines and to reach out in appropriate (and sometimes inappropriate!) channels. It means that even if the suffering person doesn’t feel like taking care of themselves and struggling on -> that is the moral imperative until every last option for recovery is exhausted. This means not only not giving up in the face of adversity, but also to not resign oneself to merely existing in suffering. We must actively try and heal this suffering!

To summarize, the Rede does not order us to live for the sake of living, nor does it force us to endure suffering for some sacred imperative, but rather to take care of ourselves in order to minimize harm to ourselves and to others.

There is much more to be said on the topic of suicide, notably ‘what about suicide and the afterlife’? or ‘what about suicide and the deities’?, but I will close this post here. I believe it’s long (and heavy) enough as is. Hopefully I’ll get around to the other topics soon enough.

I would just like to close by saying that, if you disagree with me and want to discuss, please be gentle. I am in a very fragile state these days and do not feel like having someone verbally assault me for voicing my support for assisted suicide. I understand it is a difficult topic for many and sincerely hope that I have handled the topic with enough delicacy.

 

“My Name is Chaos”: Chapter Four Part Two

“Hello, Chaos,” she whispered.

“Oh, shit,” I said as I stared at the spirit sitting in the back seat.

“Language, language,” whispered the being. “Children shouldn’t swear.”

“Fuck you!” I snapped without thinking. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, well, you know,” the blob took on a haphazard shape. Now it had eyes and a mouth and was somewhat of a humanoid shape. “Someone’s gotta babysit.”

“I do not need babysitting!” I yelled.

The scientist looked to her, looked to me, and frowned. “What are you looking at?” he asked. “Is there something-” and he poked at her, going right through her.

Oh crap. She wasn’t incarnated. They couldn’t see her.

She grinned fiendishly at me. “Are you having a mental breakdown?”

Without thinking, I yelled back. “I’m not having a-” I stopped myself just in time. Glaring at her, I turned to Thor.

“There’s a demon in the back seat,” I announced dryly.

“Really?” Thor looked in the rearview mirror and frowned. “I’m not feeling it.”

“Me neither,” said the scientist in awe as he kept passing his hand through her. She kept grinning at me.

“Who is it?” asked Mark grimly. “A vampire hunter? Horseman of the apocalypse? Tell us.”

I groaned and slunk down in my chair. “It’s no one. Just a dumb, lower-level, obnoxious, demon.”

“Yeah, there’s a real dumb spirit around here,” she said loudly from the back. I wanted to plug my ears. Maybe if I ignored her she’d leave? Soon? What was she even doing here?

I threw myself around, making the scientist jump. But my glare was not for him. “How’d you get permission to come here? Huh?”

She grinned and kicked back in her seat, stretching tendril-like arms above her head. “Who said I had permission? You’re not the only rule breaker around here.”

“I have special permission!” I burst. “And I will send you back if- ”I held up my cross pendant. “Or I’ll tell my dad! And he’ll come and get you!”

She leaned forward, putting on a shrill childish voice. “Oh, I’ll tell daddy. Oh, I’m a little snitch and my name is Chaos.”

I just about turned purple in the face. I opened my mouth, but no sound came out. Her grin turned nasty. “Go on, call daddy. Do it.”

I thumped back into my chair, deciding to ignore her again. Whatever. Like I needed her approval.

My fingers traced the cross pendant against my chest. Should I? She wasn’t allowed to be here. What if she interfered? Would it be … bad? Or could I use this to my advantage?

Frowning, I focused on the road ahead. The pine trees lined ever on and the wind blew in icily.

“Hey Chaos!” she yelled in my ear.

I yelled, jumping three feet in the air. “What?” I yelled, turning to see her leaning up between Mark and me.

“I want a body,” she declared. “Get me a body.”

“I’m not getting you a body!” I snapped. “If you’d wanted one, you should have incarnated!”

“Too much paperwork,” she grunted. “Hey, is this guy really attached to himself?” And she poked at the scientist.

“He lives in there so I’d say yeah, pretty attached. And if you try possession, I Will report you!” I was protective of my little mission pals.

“Uhm,” Thor cleared his throat.

“Oh hey, he’s hot,” she said, leering around at him. “Tell him to pull the car over. I can take him over, then we can make out. Neat, right?”

“Shut up!” I squawked.

“What is going on?” asked Thor.

“What’s their name?” asked the scientist, scribbling away at their notepad.

My nerves were beginning to fray. “I want to drive!” she announced, jumping at Thor.

“No!” I yelled, trying to stop her. No luck. If I’d had rolled my dice on it, it would have been a critical 1. A complete failure.

I tackled Mark/Thor, grasping for the immaterial that could not be touched. Thor yelled, shoving me off him. The car skidded, then we must have hit a patch of ice because it really skidded.

“AHH!” I yelled as the ditch came zooming up towards us.

Bwoof!

It was like landing on soft fluffy marshmallows. But at 100 kilometers an hour. So the ‘bwoof’ sent us all flying in all directions. The car keeled over to its side and I was now squished sideways with Thor half on me. There was a scientist’s leg in the air beside my head.

Great, bouncing, burgers.

“AL!” I shrieked, clawing my way up. I scrambled over Thor and pushed his door open. He shoved me and I made it out the door. “I’m going to kill you!” I yelled, stepping out into the crisp air.

A light drifting of snow was fluttering down. There was no noise now. Not a sound. I stood on the side of the car, breath misting before me as I glared out at the pine trees’ depths. Was she hiding in their branches? Or was she right beside me, invisible?

No warning. None at all! Just – CRA-KOOM! Lightning split the sky and struck the road where the car would have been, further down the road. Sparks flew. Smoke spiralled up.

Worse? There was now a dark figure there. The shape of a teen, wearing a long coat that framed their figure. Whisped in dark tendrils of smoke, it began striding forward down the road. Towards us.

“Who is that?” asked Thor, now by my side.

“It’s her,” I grumbled, gritting my teeth, hands balled into fists.

“The demon?” whispered the scientist, climbing up beside Thor.

A cloud drifted away from the moon, allowing light to beam down onto her in a most dramatic of ways.

She was as tall as me, but her hair was cut short around her chin with long bangs that fluttered about her face. Her hair was a deep blue with jet bright streaks in it. Her skin was dark, her face pretty nondescript, especially with those sporty sunglasses she had on. She was wearing a deep purple and pink trenchcoat with orange eagles on it. Oh, and she was had thick black leather boots.

“Hey Chaos,” she said as she stepped to the edge of the road before the car. There was a nasty grin on her face.

“Hey,” I seethed. “Do you have to ruin everything?”

“It’s my duty,” she drawled, running fingers through her hair dramatically.

“Who are you?” asked the scientist, sounding way too impressed for his own good.

She totally let it get to her head. As always. “My name is Al,” she drawled. “And I’m Chaos’ fiancee.”

A Small Ritual to Introduce Yourself to the Land when You Move

So I’ve recently moved. My landowner is a pagan (how lucky am I?) and we did a small ritual to introduce ourselves to the spirits and prepare for doing more rituals here. I’ve copied out what we did, in case it’s useful for anyone else.

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Before you begin, pick a spot that’s central to the feel of the land. We did ours at  bench beneath a tree, so the spirits could assemble at the table. Bring your offerings and place them upon the table. Light incense, candle, and open lids of drinks.

*ring bell *

Greetings to the spirits of this land. To the trees, the fairies, and to those who call this land home. Our names are __ and __ . We have moved here and intend to live here for the foreseeable future. In doing so, we hope to live in a peaceful and  harmonious relationship with all who dwell here. We envision our roles as that of nourishing the earth, of making this land better in many aspects. We ask that you, in return, protect us and help the land bloom and grow.

We also ask for your permission to host pagan rituals here for the group by the name of __. These rituals will have people of all kinds attending, hopefully in large numbers. We ask that you are gentle and welcoming to them, so as to help us have pleasant events.

*proceed to give gifts* ( we offered incense, a candle, drinks, and baked goods with fruit – so we had all the elements covered, as well as coffee grains and eggshells for the earth)

We’ve brought these gifts to share with you. Please enjoy them.

*sit down, wait a few moments before eating peacefully*

We concluded the ritual when the incense was burnt out. We didn’t say anything special, just buried the eggshells and coffee at the base of the tree where we will be doing our future offerings.

 

 

Moving and Claiming my own Inner Power

I’ve moved!

No, not on the internet. Physically, IRL, I’ve moved!

Now I could rant about how tiring it was, how dramatic the day we moved ‘the big stuff’ was, but I have found something more interesting to talk about.

You see, I’ve been fortunate enough to move into the countryside. And lo and behold, I’m relaxing in a way, on a deeper level, than I have in recent times. It feels good on the soul, like I’m putting a balm on a wound. My night spasms have gotten better. I’m sleeping better. I feel like I can just sit and relax, without having to ‘do something’. My hypervigilance is at an all-time low.

Is living in nature the only solution? Well, no. I currently upped my anti-depressant,  have started seeing changes in my body due to the hormones I’m taking, and have moved next to a friend (with my lovely wife). But all this together? It seems to be doing me wonders.

But, to take a note from my last appointment with my psychiatrist, what am I doing to make things go well? You see, I tend to focus upon the negative, but when things go well (as they are now) I tend to place the power into my circumstances. In doing so, I give my situation all the power over myself and leave none for me.

So. What am I doing that is making me better? I feel like I am ‘individuating’ as Jung would say. I take the time to relax and ‘just be’. I sit outside and meditate next to my little pond (yes I have a mucky little pond haha). I spend time out of doors relaxing in nature and near trees. I seperate my will from that of others.

What about that last point?

You see, I tend to allow others to define me. If they disagree with my being trans, it throws me all into a kerfuffle to say the least. But lately, I visited a church as a way of meeting my local community (and met no locals, surprisingly). In said church, during the sermon, the pastor railed on about the ‘attack on the family structure’ and various other things. As a trans person sitting there, I knew that he was railing about people like me.

And, surprisingly, I didn’t let it bother me. I kept myself from giving a damn. I seperated myself, my desires and life and beliefs, from his.

I also decided to not go back to that church despite the social pressure to go back. Another step forward for me, choosing my own health over the desires of others. It was difficult, but I did it.

And that’s all for now, lovelies. I hope this has helped some of you, or at least shone a bit of light on how various factors can help our mental health. I’ll try and take some nice pictures of my new home for y’all!