Angry Rant ~ Politics and Fiction

Well, that was a fun 20 seconds of no angry ranting. But here, I’ll try and not make this an ‘angry’ rant, more so just a … conversation by myself.

So long story short, there’s this dipshit idea out there that ‘politics’ should stay out of books, especially fantasy and fiction. I fell across it again just today, from an unexpected blogger (instant unfollow, seeing as they also unveiled themselves as a Trumpster!).

Whoever came up with that dumbass idea seems to have no concept of what constitutes basic human rights and compassion, as well as actual politics.

Here, let me make a distinction for you all. Human rights is generally about giving people proper respect and treatment. Politics is generally like ‘where should we put that parking sign’.

Now I KNOW that as of late, the two have become mish-mashed due to a large orange bladder-speaker and their piss-pot of a base. But this is beside the point, which is -> If you have a problem with people being represented and treated respectfully and with equity, maybe the problem isn’t the author but YOU.

As a trans person, I’m just sick and fed up of this. Are your basic human rights up for debate? NO? Then leave mine the fuck alone.

“oh, but!” I hear the piss-pots whine. “we don’t mind that! It’s just the way the left is doing it is ‘too much’!”

You know what? The ‘left’, as you all like to call it, generally listens to ‘own voices’, where yeah, views not your own might be put forward. And yeah, it’ll be disconcerting for you. Get used to it, you’re not the fucking center of the world.

Maybe I’d be a little less pissed if this blogger hadn’t been a white cis male who seemed so offended about everything and anything – the type that simultaneously declares that those who are fighting for their rights are ‘too much’. What a hypocrite.

Anyways, if you believe politics should stay out of fiction, what the fuck are you even writing about? No human rights, no fight for the poor, no fight for the environment, no classist struggle, no … nothing? Yeah, great story, jerk.

Because what you actually mean when you say ‘keep politics out of it’ is ‘keep those views and people I don’t agree with away from me’. If you don’t want to read about anything but yourself, in your own lens, in your own comfort, then that begs the question of what are you reading? What are you learning?

But what’s worse than that? It’s that you don’t want representations of those people in your stories shows you don’t want them around you in daily life. And that’s just discriminatory and nasty, you asshole. What have you got against disabled people? Against minorities?

Seriously, people who want politics out of fiction just want to see their own privileged view spewed back at them. They want to keep seeing themselves as the center of the fucking world, and not to understand or empathize with anyone who they don’t consider as equals. Because let’s face it, if you empathized with others, you wouldn’t have a problem reading about them. Jerks.

Discussion on Mental Health and Paganism – Where are the Disabled Folks?

I saw an article the other day, in a free pagan magazine. Yay! It was about mental health and paganism. Wow! I was so excited!

Yay, yay, yay, I thought as I first saw the page-long article. Something interesting to read! Finally, some in-depth something on the topic!

Uh, yeah no. After a few sentences, then a quick skim-through, I was instantly depressed. Because apparently, just because we say ‘merry meet’, we’re a welcoming bunch. And the fact that we do fire gazing? Wow, that, like, taps us into ourselves and allows us to be grounded and shit. And the way we say ‘so mote it be’? Well, that allows us to accept things as they are. So, basically, (according to this author) we pagans are well equipped to deal with mental health issues because of these three things.

I was floored. What. The. Fuck.

This article, in my personal opinion, was like saying you get your vegetables from a pumpkin spice latte (Hint: there’s no pumpkin in most pumpkin spice lattes). I mean, really? Really? Not only was this a super-shallow discussion on the topic which failed to acknowledge SO MUCH of the discrimination that happens in neopagan circles, it felt like it was written by someone who had NO knowledge on the topic.

Now, maybe that person does have lots of insights and experience, but that their one article was just poorly written. Because really, it felt like a lazy slap in the face. It was just like a cotton-candied fluff of an article saying ‘don’t worry, it’s all fine, we’re the best, and here are my poorly-researched reasons as to why’.

Ughhh. Here, let me recap for you: most pagans don’t believe in medications, which are essential for most mentally ill people. Most pagans not only demonize psychiatric medication, but they also straight-out prohibit people taking certain medications from entering into their circles. Oh, and many pagans think mental illness ‘doesn’t exist’, so it’s all fake and we don’t really need clinical help. We should just, go trip out with a shaman or something and tada, we’re all cured. (this is a simplistic recap, by the way, but it would be a HUGE rant if I got into details about it).

I guess my point for this article is to vent, and to really say -> please don’t brush off this topic. It’s a real, vital, topic. It’s not something to be taken lightly. It’s meaningful and deep, and has repercussions for people’s mental health. To claim a hostile environment is, in fact, safe, juts because you haven’t experienced the discrimination as a non-mentally ill person is… flabbergasting? To put it nicely.

Also, why is it that there are so few wide-spread articles on paganism and mental illness from seriously disabled mentally ill peoples? Why is it that the articles I find are from people who had mild depressive bouts, not people who are schizophrenic to the point of a disability, crippled by anxiety to the point of a disability, or people with uncontrollable OCD? Why don’t we get people talking about their experiences as Wiccan or pagan in a psych ward?

It feels to me that our discussion, which should be written by very disabled and chronically ill people, is instead being discussed by abled and at best temporarily incapacitated people. Even the course I’m taking on self-healing at Woolston is not led by an ill person, but instead by an abled (to my knowledge) practitioner, and I find it shows in their approach. I really wonder how the discussion would look if we instead had all the disabled and chronically ill through mental illness folks sitting at this table. If you do have resources that are written my disabled folks, especially blogs and such, I’d love to read them. But for now, I’ll just grump and brood in my corner.

A Dark Horizon…

I am writing this in what feels a stolen piece of time, a writing ‘on the sly’, like I am hiding from someone.

The truth is, I am hiding from my mental illness. I woke up today, and could not function. I had hit near-rock bottom. I could not shower, wash the dishes, or perform my usual tasks. Knitting plain stitch felt difficult. After dragging myself around the house for a few hours, I went back to bed. I napped.

Mercifully, I felt better. I cooked, showered, prepared the dishes to be washed tomorrow morning, and wrote (because that’s another part of my essential tasks, haha). Now, I feel like I don’t want to go to sleep. I don’t want this burst of feel-good to end. I’m afraid that my illness is creeping back, seizing my life in its grip, and taking over again. I’m afraid of having to go into the hospital, if I keep backwards sliding. I’m worried about the pressure of keeping it all up is placing on my already sick wife.

I know I’ve been through a lot lately. I’m grieving, my social worker says. It’s hard, and understandable. But the anxiety, the brain fog is returning. The strange non-pain in my head that means I can’t think has come back. The strange compulsions (eat the candy bar or you’ll DIE!) are making a comeback as well.

I never wanted this to happen. I’m worried I’m already at too high of a dosage of abilify to amp it up to combat my symptoms. I don’t know what my psychiatrist will say when I see her this coming week. I’m worried there’s nothing to do but rest.

I don’t like feeling like this. I don’t want to be here again.

But you know what? In all this, maybe as a compulsion, maybe as a window of hope, I actually have an idea on how to begin writing a non-fiction book I’ve been wanting to do for years now. Maybe, just maybe, something good will come from this.

Anyways, thoughts and prayers are appreciated. It’s rough right now.

ANOTHER DREAM!!! (SPOILERS)

Lo! Be-holden! Y’all know that when I mention dreams – character lives are about to be fucked up, haha.

And that holds true for this time! For (LO!) I had a dream wherein (drumroll) a certain character woke up in the wrong body. As in someone else’s body. As in – they didn’t die. As in… am I far enough down that the preview won’t show this writing? Becauuuuse -> Kuryo’s story might be making a comeback, y’all!

Now, trust me, no one is more sick of the loop-de-loops of that story than I am. I’m almost ready to just chuck the whole thing from the tip-top most of a tower, but hey. I’m stubborn and I really like Kuryo and Chaos as characters. I keep telling myself (as in, today) that at worst this is all just more rough drafting and * eventually * it will make some sort of sensical thing. I hope. I really, really, hope.

I mean, I really like those characters. It’s just – the story derails from me and I feel like I get lost in the plot. If only I could finish the damned thing, sort it all out, and make it make sense. I’m sure it would be a blast, once it’s properly polished! But, I derail myself.

What happened in the dream? What can we expect? Well, the jist of the dream was ‘Kuryo wakes up in someone else’s body and has to deal with adjusting to that person’s life’. Like, wow. Not too drastic considering his story. But it would mean he wakes up in another of the five Kuryo’s bodies. And does it mean the evil stabber gets his powers? I considered that last night, and it came to me in my sleep that she (the god-slayer/stabber of Kuryo) would appear, and make attempt #2 at the whole murdering thing.

But in the meanwhile, there’d be this whole ‘Kuryo adjusting to his new life’ phase, which I honestly thought could be cute and charming. Or it could be boring. Either way, there’s a new girlfriend involved, university life, and a whole ‘was that real or did I dream that whole thing while I was in a coma?’ thing.

What else has been happening in my writing life? I had an idea the other day (while being unable to sleep) that it could be really fun to write a gay romance, with the main character having schizophrenia. So the next day, I sat down to try and write it. But (LO!) the main character was not schizophrenic but rather had DID (ba-dum-tiss!). Which, if you know about them, they are completely different things. DID is pretty badly seen, so after debating to myself about whether I’d write it or not, I figured ‘what the hell’ and asked around if anyone I knew had DID to help me as a reference. Well. Almost 6? 7? people came forward from various groups I’m in to offer and help. So now I feel like I should write the book, just because these people seem to want it. Or at least they want to help write it. So, I’m going to be trying to write that, which is really daunting, to say the least. A big challenge!

Speaking of challenges (my last point of the day!) I apparently succeeded in my portrayal of an intersex character! I won’t tell you the details, but there is an intersex character in my latest Farfadel novel, and my sensitivity readers LOVED them! They said I aced my representation. SO I’m feeling pretty capable and happy. Honestly, I know portraying an intersex character is not the same as a mental illness/disorder, but it makes me feel like I can manage. It makes me feel powerful, in an author-y sense.

Oh, and (the real, really, final last point) – I have a sort-of manager now! I found a fellow pagan who was willing to help me advertise and market myself slowly, along with some merch to go along with my stories, and so … hopefully there will eventually be a more organized version of me as an author? I probably won’t say too much about this, as it’s rather private, but I am excited to get help organizing myself! And wouldn’t Farfadel merch be great? Imagine the possibilities!

Anyways, that’s that. I really hope y’all have a lovely day/evening ❤ take care y’all!

Killing Characters and Grieving (spoilers?)

Maybe this is dumb. But I’ve had a rough day, struggling to keep my head above water, and then – BAM! a character up and dies. Whoosh!

What was a dramatic and happy scene took a morbid turn, and (I don’t want to spoil it for anyone) let’s just say I am now minus some very loved characters that I did not expect to go without.

As a lgbt+ person, I think I feel more when a character of lgbt+ stripes dies. I… just wish everyone could live happily forever after. And though I know death is a part of life, it hits me harder in stories than in real life.

I don’t know why. I don’t really understand it. I was told of the suicide of someone I knew, and it felt very – ah? Oh well. I knew it was sad, but I didn’t feel sad. I felt a sense of respect towards them, for their choice, and felt that they had crossed through the veil. That was all.

But when a character dies? Oh my. I mourn. As I have told y’all, the last time one of my characters died, I took three days to recover. Now, I’m seriously hoping it won’t be that long this time. I already feel like a train wreck, was already anxious, and now? I feel upset in an unwordable way. I feel distressed, disturbed, like something is wrong with my world. All this because a fictional character died – in a world of my own creation.

I really don’t understand why my character deaths bother me so much. Is it because something is over? Is it the end of some part of me? Or what? I truly don’t understand, and would appreciate some insight, if anyone has any. I know other authors get upset over their characters, but this feels like … a notch or three higher. Like, it’s worse than when someone I know dies. It’s so strange, and I can’t explain it and don’t understand it.

Anyways, everything is alright in my life. I’m almost done this novel, and am (as usual) debating what to do with it. I’ve been scolded recently by loved ones because I’m apparently ‘sitting on a gold mine’ by not getting myself traditionally published. They seem to think I really should, but – the fact is that I really struggle to get paperwork and stuff done. I’m in the throes of some right now and it’s not pretty. I’m barely getting it done. I really don’t feel like I could manage to stay on top of a publisher’s demands. The thing is, I know that self publishing can work, and make more money than traditional publishing. But… am I doing it right? Agh. I – just wish I could settle my mind and know that I’m doing the right thing.

As you can see, I’m a bit upset today. A bit off kilter. I just want to do what’s right for me and be successful so I can care for my loved ones but I feel like such a failure. At least I’ll be making a little bit of money – if I can get students to take my course, which I’m doubting anyone will sign up for.

Anyways, I’m going to go and rest. Maybe paint or draw. I wish you all well, and hope you all have a lovely day/evening. Much love ❤

Life Update – Teaching!

Yes, that’s right! I have a job! Teaching!

I have been lucky enough to land a job teaching at a local pagan school – ‘Runes et Magie’. I’ll be teaching about Discernment! Yayyyy!

I am so excited for this (sorry if I’ve already told y’all, I can’t remember if I have yet or not)! I have been working SO much on the course, putting it all together and making a PowerPoint presentation to go with it and making an exam and all that good stuff. It’s exactly what I want to be doing – so it should be a good thing, right?

Well, yesterday, I spoke with the head of the school about my class. She was super nice. It went super well. After hanging up with her, I almost called a hotline, I was so wound up. So anxious. So, so, upset at myself for my minor fixes that I’d noticed needed to be done in the course. It was awful. I received another call from a relative, again a positive thing, and I could barely hold it together. I was a wreck. I sat down to watch TV for several hours, and the room began to spin. I had to lay down almost two hours early from my usual bedtime.

Today, I was no better. I woke up to care for the dogs, fed them and took my medication, then went back to bed until 4 pm. I literally spent the day in bed because I felt so fragile. Now, after taking a walk with the wifey, I feel alright. I can still sense the fragility there, but I’ve got a lid on it now.

All that to say that – I can barely do this teaching thing. I think I can, but only because the lady in charge is SUPER NICE, and that it’s something I LOVE doing. My anxiety about it is just ready to slip out of control and to sink me all over again. But, I think I can do this. I think if I’m careful, keep myself calm and rational, I can do this.

I may not be having as much time to write, though. I’m not sure I still want to post my writings here, even. I – I am not sure how I want to balance my author and teaching sides, actually. I am giving up on writing as my main source of income, and deciding to relocate it as a passionate hobby. I just don’t think I’ve got what it takes to be a full-time author, no matter how much I like it. I’m just not ‘breaking through’ to a yuge audience to make a zillion dollars. That being said, I still want to write. I still want to draw. I love getting feedback and talking about my story with people. But … How will I do that? How will I balance the writing and teaching? Blah. I’ll figure it out.

Anyways, I wanted to give y’all a little update. I’m anxious, but life is going very good! Hopefully you will still keep getting writing posts from me, or at the very least life rants. I hope you all are doing well ❤

Author’s Rant (SPOILERS)

So how have I been doing lately? How is life, how is everything?

Life has been treating me very well. I have even had the opportunity to get into natural ink making. The results of which I’ll attach to this post. I feel so privileged to be able to live in a little patch of nature and have access to ink making materials! I really love sketching with ink too, it takes so much more thinking and precision.

But this post is called an author’s rant. So, what do I have to rant about, in an authorly way?

Well, I hate to sound like a broken record, but I only have half an idea where the story is going. As usual, the story is winding up, growing more and more complex, and I’m just sitting back baffled, like, wondering if this beast is going to bite me or not?

To my surprise, I am enjoying writing this story. It is dark, I can’t write it every day, but I feel like it is still fun, still something worth doing. The violence of it still surprises me though!

Now, if you’ve been reading along you’ve hopefully started to notice something happening in our (still unnamed!) main character’s mind. Namely, she is in the process of having a part of herself take over.

This will come out a LOT more in the next part (which I have just written today, but will publish the next time I write). Remember the whole ‘who is she? Maybe she’s an ancient?’. Well. The ancient is there, and the ancient is on a mission!

Now, and here is the Big Spoiler, the ancient in particular is Anat. Who? Sumerian goddess of war, anyone? Read up on her, she’s pretty bloody, passionate, but striving to establish peace. I just realized this today, while writing out the scene where she really ‘comes through’. And now I’m all… hmmm… where is this going? How will I make this a nice and cohesive story?

I don’t want this story to wind on as long as Kuryo and Chaos’ story did. That’s just a bit too long and winded for me. i want this one to maybe be, just, a trilogy maybe? Something nice and neat like that.

Anyways, I’m also trying to work on a new birdie book (on death!) as well. I’ve been told that I am breaching topics that are maybe too philosophical for kids, but I have others that say that those topics are necessary, even for very young kids. So… I feel conflicted. I’m far from an expert on children, but I love illustrating with the birdies!

So that’s my update of the day, lovelies. I wish you all a great day, and much love your way. Take care ❤

Fighting Depression with Birdies…

I got really depressed lately. The best way I found to cope with it was to draw cute lil’ birdies. So I doodled around on my computer, frustrated as ever with the whole ‘analog to digital’ mess wherein I can never get my pictures to show up quite right on digital, and digital is never quite how I want it to be. But then! Hark! I did a drawing that I super-duper liked on the computer!

It was that picture that I drew first, and I love it. I drew several more, all equally fuzzy and happy-hearted. The trick was to use fuzzy brushes and aim for fuzz instead of clean (I usually try and make my drawings and pictures as neat as possible), as well as go absolutely minimalist. I’m wondering what to do with them, as I love them so very much. I think they’d make great holiday/event cards, personally!

But, all that to say that I’m doing better. I’ve had dreams about my stories, friends come visit, and I’m back up on my feet. I have an inundation of medical appointments, but I am coping well now. I have a friend who is supposed to teach me how to make natural inks from my garden, too! Above all, I feel my head is back over the water. I feel mentally okay.

But then, sometimes, I wonder what to do with myself. I feel like I am not a ‘good enough’ author. Recently, I feel like I should get myself published. But to do that, I’d have to make the birdies more ‘generic’, as no pagan publisher will take on a children’s book (Yes, I’ve asked). But I don’t want to make them generic. I want them to be pagan, that’s what all their stories are about – they’re pagan stories. But is it worth leaving them as pagan birdies? Parents and children who have the book love it, but I’m not sure that anyone actually wants it. Is it my marketing, or am I just not in the right field?

Same goes for Farfadel and Lage’s Game. I feel like I ‘should’ get a publisher, but do I have the energy to cope with one? Does anyone want lgbt fantasy novels for children? I feel like no. I got turned down by indie publishers, and seeing that they are more children’s books than adult books, I’m not sure what publisher would want them.

Maybe I’m still just a depressed author, but I love my stories and love interacting with people about them. I want people to read them and them to be a ‘success’. But… I don’t know what I should do. In my heart, I’ve always wanted to have the freedom to do whatever I want, but wanted the ‘stamp of approval’ from being published by a publisher.

Sorry for dumping, but that’s what’s been going through my mind. Lots of questions about my writing, though I’m still plentifully enjoying the writing process. I just – I question myself.

Anyways, I wish you all lots of love. Have a great day ❤

More Updates!

Hi everyone! I’m sorry if I worry you, but I’m still not well. I think it’s because yesterday I had to call a victim’s advocacy group in order to try and get myself psychotherapy… Long story short it was stressful. Anything to do with the past is stressful for me.

The worst part is that I know that it’s ok. It’s just a phone call. I can see the connection between it and the past – and yet I still get all worked up and anxious and can’t stop myself from experiencing it. Ugh.

Writing helped. Talking helped. Painting digitally helped. But I’m still fragile. It frustrates me so much to see that the past still affects me so much, nose-diving me straight into an anxious mess.

Oh well. Thank you to everyone for your well wishes and kind thoughts, I appreciate them. I sincerely hope that you all are doing well and that you and yours are safe ❤ lots of love.

I’m dropping here a picture that I worked on today. It’s not perfect but what the hell, I like it. It’s of Rebella, who I’m sure is going to be super important in the story and an utter pain for our MC (who still needs a name).

Feeling Disenchanted Again…

I know, I get too invested in things. But is what I want really too much to ask?

I want maturity. I want pagan leaders to pay attention to what they are doing, and not be on some fantasy ‘witchy’ trip.

I want people to know their stuff, and not to just have regurgitated stuff they found online.

I want depth. I am sick and fed up with Llewellyn’s 100 some odd superficial books. I know, they have some less superficial ones. Good for them. But seriously? That number is ridiculously low. Come on, people. Let’s debate. Let’s get serious.

I want charity/activism. I’m so bloody fucking sick of ‘schools’ that just teach stuff that is largely based off of UPG. Can’t they give back to community? Host rituals for charity?

Oh, and why don’t they do actual research? Why?

I know, I bitch. But I feel so tired and annoyed. I love the Aquarian Tabernacle Church so far, don’t get me wrong. They feel like an oasis of decency in a plastic garbage heap. What the hell, pagans? Why have we become so commercialized? So self-centered?

And finally, my last bitching point to the universe: why do I want to host a ritual so much? Yeah, this is personal. But I miss leading rituals, for the sense of numinous and community and charity. I miss it so badly, it’s all I can think about these days. I just want to host a ritual, maybe for Samhain or something. But I don’t know how to go about it.

Part of me wants to be a rebel and host one on my own for all the queer and polytheist rebels out there. But then, part of me tells me to save my energy, to not overload myself. That this desire to hold a ritual is selfish, that it’s all going to blow up in my face as my last ritual group did.

I don’t know what to do. Any insight would be greatly appreciated, actually. Part of me feels tired of pagan culture, the nonsense of it all. But this is my religion, my beliefs. Why are the people I should share so much with so… so… I guess the phrase would be ‘not what I want them to be’. But to me, they feel so careless about their beliefs and community, like it’s all just a big party to them. Don’t they realize there are people out there who need help? Don’t they want to help? Why aren’t they serious about their religion and community?

Anyways, whatever. I’m going to brainstorm. I’ve got some ideas coming to me, so yeah, we’ll see what I do.

Much love to you all, take care ❤