Why write about Spirituality and Mental Illness?

Well, before I get back into my groove of writing about mental illness, it occurred to me that I should maybe explain the ‘why’ behind the decision to talk about mental illness and spirituality.

There’s a saying that goes (and I really don’t remember where it’s from) something along the lines of how the most earnest prayers come from people in hospitals. I think this is particularly true about people in psych wards, or who are dealing with mental illness.

People turn to spirituality when they are hurt, confused, or generally lost. And mental illness makes you feel that, in an strange way sometimes. Because mental illness isn’t seen as a physical problem, its invisible and most don’t realize it’s got physical roots, people don’t turn immediately to doctors. Sadly, people actually refuse to see doctors for mental illness because of perceptions and biases that have their roots in spiritual beliefs.

Some of these are ones like: mental illness is the result of a curse, or God’s punishment for a lack of faith, or the result of being estranged from God. It can also be believed to be an imbalance of chakras that only requires meditation to be cured, spirit possession, or (my personal pet peeve, and one that truly held me back) the belief that mental illness is some sort of psychic ‘breakthrough’.

A bunch of these are due to the conflation/mix of mental health and mental illness. Due to the lack of understanding on the difference of these two, people will often try and use spirituality and spiritual practices (which can be beneficial to mental health) to treat mental illness.

Personally, when I went out with my service dog for mental illness, people would often ask me what the dog was for. Once they found out it was for mental illness, these strangers would often end up giving me some sort of advice or opinion on mental illness. Most of these were spiritual perspectives that were against medication and ‘western medicine’, as well as conventional therapy.

Similarly, when I really struggled with my mental illness and was unmedicated, people often threw spiritual advice at me. It was all anti medication and anti conventional doctors. Now that I am medicated and happily so, I find it really disturbing that there is so much anti-medication sentiment out there! I sometimes wonder what my path to healing would have been like if I had been surrounded by more realistic approaches.

Anyways, now that I am in a better space mentally, I think it’ll be nice to get back into talking about mental illness and spirituality. I think it’ll do me good, as it’s something that I really care about, and love discussing with others. I find it nourishing and cleansing.

I also want to really show others that getting conventional help is not anti spirituality. I once met a doctor in training at a mental health clinic, and he was really surprised to hear that not all spirituality is against medication, and that I had arguments against those points. It made for a very interesting discussion, but also showed me that there wasn’t much perspectives out there that are spiritual and embracing of actual treatment for mental illness.

Anyways, that’s all I have to say for today! I will be posting a video to MY CHANNEL soon about these points, and it will basically be a copy of this post. I’m doing this because some formats are easier for some people and not everyone likes reading, and I’m hoping to make this as available as possible.

I wish you all a lovely day ❤

Aggressive Self Care

Apparently it’s a term my psychiatrist had never heard before. Aggressive self care. But it’s what I’m trying to do, haha.

Lately, I’ve been trying so hard to take care of myself. If it was a technique, or a strategy, it would definitely be called aggressive. Proactive at the very least.

I’m trying to make myself actual food. No cake for lunch kind of deal. I’m trying to drink water. I’m trying to do the five daily prayers as a way to consciously take 5 minute breaks of zen. I’ve even been trying to limit my desserts and only take them when I self care.

So far, it’s been helping. I’m getting back on my feet. Im trying not to push myself too hard to write though, hence my not cranking out so many words lately. Im very sorry for anyone who’s looking for some of the Circlet story. I just cant seem to write it, and Lage’s story is just coming to me easier these days.

I have been working on my children’s activity book too, and am about halfway through it. It’s going to be huge (to me, haha)! Its going to be over 70 pages of activities and colorings to do! All pagan themed! I cant wait to see what you all think of it!

What else has been happening in my life? I’ve been coming to terms with some difficult things, family wise, as well as trying to spend time with my loved ones. Rough things are happening, but we will get through this. I’m really just trying to heal right now.

Also, I’m working on a special birdie project that means so much to me, but it’s a secret so far. At least I dont remember posting about it before, and dont plan to until its finished and I can finalize it. Knowing me itll take quite some time to get it done, but it’s in the works. Good things are coming, yall.

Finally, I want to say thank you to everyone and anyone who has bought my books. I am very touched by all the sales I’ve made, and am considering celebrating them by offering signed books for a price. Would anyone be interested? Or some bookmarks?

I’ve been thinking of holding a contest for my birthday, where I could send out a book to one winner, bookmarks to the second, and something else to the last one. Would anyone be interested in it if it was a writing contest? Or just a “share the page and like” sort of contest? Give me your thoughts! I miss hearing from you all!

I hope you are all very well, and wish you all the best in these hard times ❤

Chaos & Kuryo (Novel 3) Chapter 4 Part 2

Chaos’s POV

Hell, again. Well what was I expecting? Oh yeah, not to be here. Again.



“Chaos?” asked each and everyone who greeted me on the way to a cell. Magically, they each managed to have a different inflection to it. Some were shocked. Some were outraged. Some were – confused.

I just hoped no one noticed that I was wearing oink socks with rubber duckies on them. They had been Aaliyah’s lucky socks and I’d stolen them the other day. Now they were brown and icky but hey – the sparkling rubber ducks still showed through, partly because they were tenacious little buggers.

I was not so tenacious.

“Why don’t you just let me go?” I whined for the umpteenth time to the angels who were herding me like I was hazardous material.

“Won’t he shut up?” I heard one in the back mutter.

I turned around, raising my voice, deciding to be as obnoxious as I could be. “Actually, I can, but I won’t, because I just so happen to have better things in life to do! You know, like rescue the person I’m looking for!”

I was now walking backwards, yelling at the emotionless and vizored helmets that were marching me on. So I didn’t notice when I walked backwards into a cell. Just that the door banged shut in my face.

“Good riddance,” another angel sighed as several others groaned in relief.

“If my friend’s hurt – It’s all your fault!” I shrieked, kicking at the grilled door. It rattled but did no such thing as break. Fuming, I turned and paced my cell.

It was a tiny cell, about the size of a king sized bed, with a tiny cot squished against the wall, and a bucket as facilities. Oh, and there were no real walls, just a grid of metal that seperated me from my other cellmates. Which, by the way, were all staring at me.

“What?” I yelled, flapping my arms.

“Chaos?” asked a voice to my right.

I spun, baring my teeth. “Yeah?” I snapped.

There was a woman in what must have been fetish gear lounging against the wall. There were chokers, spikes, leather, and high heels of doom, and she had a shaved head and tattoos on it. Her skin was so dark she seemed to fade into the shadows. Well, I chose who to pick a fight with.

“Name’s Ysolda,” she drawled, and I saw the itty bitty little tips of fangs in her mouth. A vampire. Great. “I remember you.”

“Well I don’t remember you,” I huffed.

She laughed. “I was one of Bella’s right hands.” Snapping her fingers she made a cigarette appear, already lit and smoking. She took a drag, blew out some smoke, then added. “Is it true you murdered her?”

“Of course not!” I snapped, my heart breaking a little bit. “Why would I do such a thing?”

The woman, vampire, shrugged, still smoking. “I didn’t think it made any sense, you murdering her.”

I did a double take. “Really?” Someone believed me! Maybe I liked this woman after all…

She nodded. “You were the only one dumb enough to like Bella. Maybe you even loved her.”

I gaped. Love – but – “What do you mean?” I squawked, turning red in the face with indignation. Offensed! I was offensed!

“Well,” Ysolda laughed. “Come on, kid. You were nuts about her. The rest of us were just trying to get by but you-” she shook her head. “You took the cake.” She smoked some more. I put my back to her and sat down on my cot, knees drawn up to my chest.

“You got no shoes?” she asked.

“What about it?” I grumbled, glancing sideways at her. She shook her head.

“Life’s been that hard, uh? I was wondering what you’d be doing with yourself. Where’d you go to?”

I shut my mouth. Then I decided it couldn’t hurt to talk just a little. “Somewhere nice,” I said flatly. “But now all my friends are in trouble.”

“Those kinds of friends always are in trouble,” Ysolda said wisely. “You should pick a better crowd to hang with.”

I scowled at her. “And you? Why are you here? Not supporting Lucifer?”

She rolled her eyes. “We’re not all in the same boat. But,” she shook her head. “That ship sailed a while ago.”

I wasn’t sure I understood that metaphor, but okay. She was here, and so was I. Silence settled between us. I looked up at the ceiling, which was gridded too. Time ticked by.

“Hey, here,” she offered a cigarette between us. It was a fresh one, newly burning.

At first I thought no, my dad would flip – but that bridge was burnt. So I accepted it. “How’d you do that?” I asked, waving it between us. “Goddess of cigarettes?”

She laughed. “No.” She looked around, then pointed to her eyes. “See that?”

I shook my head, exhaling smoke. “No.”

“You colorblind or what? My eyes have a red hue to them. The white, it’s more of a pinkish red. I’m half demon.”

“Oh,” I said. It was pretty dark in here. Like, you know, in the bowels of hell.

She nodded. “I turned after drinking Bella’s blood.” She dragged on her cigarette. “I was just plain vampire before, but Bella wanted to see if I would get powers from her.”

“Oh?” I raised my eyebrows, wondering if-

“I was her favorite too, for about a week,” Ysolda said miserably. Then she shook her head. “But I got no powers, and she got bored with me. Then you showed up!”

I looked miserably down at the cigarette. Yeah, self-pity and smoke was all that was on the menu right then. Yum. I puffed on the cigarette grudgingly.

Then, after a minute, I added. “I’m sorry. I screwed everything up.”

She shrugged. “That, you did. Everyone’s plans went to shit.”

“Well,” I grumbled. “Not everyone’s. Lucifer rules the worlds now, doesn’t he?”

She laughed, a bit more of a cackle, really. “That dude doesn’t plan,” she said while shaking her head. “He just – flies on the winds of change.”

I gave her the stink eye. I would beg to differ.

“So when’s your date?” she asked.

“Date?” I asked. We got hearings? That would be good, I could plead my case.

“For your execution,” she said with a laugh. “We’re all up for execution in here. This is the wing for it.”

The blood drained from my face.

Mental Health Advice from a Buddhist Nun

Hey everyone! I haven’t been active lately, at all. I’ve been very busy taking care of myself and living life, which, is apparently full of stressful appointments.

But one lovely thing happened this weekend. I met a Buddhist nun for advice regarding meditation and my mental health/illness.

And you know what? She was just so nice and kind and logical. When I brought up my hallucinations, she advised focusing on the reality, not on the hallucination. A thing that, I think, would help reinforce reality instead of the hallucination. And really, why did no one ever mention this to me before?

It was so counter to all the advice I had ever gotten from the esoteric crowd. Instead of telling me to indulge in the hallucination, to go deeper into it, to try and find its meaning, it was rather to focus on reality. Wow. For me, that was ground breaking.

Furthermore, she advised me to lay off psychic activities until I feel better. Another thing that esoteric people won’t tell you to do: lay off the psychic. Wow!

Honestly, it was just so nice and refreshing to be told these things, because they felt true and they resonated so much with me. They didn’t feel dopey or about self-inflation. Rather, it was all just so logical (that was my one biggest impression of her. Logic and kindness.).

So yes, that was my lovely encounter this weekend. Other than that I’ve been working on the next birdie coloring book and haven’t been writing one bit at all. I’ve been knitting, working on Christmas gifts, and they haven’t been coming out totally well, haha. One sock was just so small I had to undo the whole thing. But I’m trying.

So anyways, hopefully I will find more time soon to keep writing and posting! Lots of love to you all, and I wish you the very best. ❤


“My Name is Chaos”; Chapter Sixteen Part One

I half-invented some more. “The bone is for burial. To summon her. You know.”

FoxFace peered closer at me. “Really?”

I nodded. “Oh yeah.”

She did not look convinced. “And why should we give it to you?”

I tried to shrug. Nonchalance, nonchalance. “Because,” I said slowly, hoping something smart would just fall out of my mouth. No such thing did. I just waited on myself, and nothing came. Foxface raised her eyebrows.

“Because?” She looked like she was trying not to laugh at me.

I sighed. “Look, do you want Bella lurking around or do you want to give her to me? Consider your choices.” I thought it was maybe a good deal. Foxface obviously did not.

She laughed, peals of laughter just coming out of her. Even Leo looked amused.

“What?” I snarked, but I had the nasty feeling that yeah, I looked dumb. That was humiliating. That didn’t sit well with me – but it wasn’t sitting well with Bella either.

I felt it like a hard coil within me that was expanding, rage taking more and more space. Then, like a cold voice within, complete with a memory of Bella’s angry smile, I heard her voice.

“Free yourself, and wreck this place. Teach them a lesson.”

The order was like a cool salve. I felt awake, but subdued. Alert, but calm. Her grip over me was palpable, but it was comforting.

“What?” asked Foxface.

“Nothing,” I lied.

“You look different,” she said, drawing out a tool that looked like card reader. She handed it to Leo who pointed it at me. There was a loud beeping sound and their eyebrows rose. “Fluctuating levels,” Leo mumbled.

“Do it.” Bella ordered within me. “Now. Free yourself.”

Abruptly I realized that my failure was a humiliation to her. I must succeed, for her.

I had no weapons on me, no more necklaces. I was dressed, but my jacket was piled on a nearby chair. Closing my eyes, I felt my power. I felt Bella. And through her, the power she had granted me.

I felt myself speaking, but the words were silent. I felt myself slipping into that strange state that only Bella brought on. The ecstacy was near, like I was skating on the edge of a cliff.

There was a shout. Still reciting, I opened my eyes. I could hardly see through the haze of my mind, through the drifting closer to the unviersal truths, but there was Leo, clutching his head. There was a dazed and shocked look about him. FoxFace was gripping his shoulders and shakign him. Then, she whirled to snatch up a needle.

Why wasn’t she affected?, flicked through my mind before I realized what she was going to do. Subdue me. Another needle was in her hand.

Free me! I ordered Leo, channeling the words with will at him.

In a lurch Leo did. He flung himself between FoxFace and I, smashing down a button. All bonds jumped free. I scrambled up in a smooth glide, feeling like I was Bella’s puppet just as much as Leo was mine and we were all connected htrough a string that tied back to Bella. It was oddly satisfying, feeling Bella’s grip over me. I felt so much more powerful.

But there wasn’t time to dwell on it. I darted around the table, retreiving my swords and necklaces. FoxFace was gawking, stepping back with a gun in hand. My weapons slashed out. The closest machine exploded in a shower of sparks. Leo hung limply on the place, awaiting my next orders as I rounded on them.

“Now trash this place,” Bella’s will forged through me, demanding results.

And trash that place I did. FoxFace had pressed an emergency button but I was on fire. My power was rippling out through me. I moved like water over oil, letting out a wave of magic that exploded, burning and destroying as it went. Leo alone I spared, willing him to survive it.

As smoke filled the room a door hissed open and soldiers rushed in. Feathered needles flew towards me. I dodged, and cut the soldiers down one by one. Mercilessly I hacked my way forward, my vision a red blurr as I moved on and on.

I didn’t know where I was going, but I knew where I was when I found it. Bella’s body was there, in pieces, about this room. In a haze, I knew what to do. Collect the pieces. Injest them.

I smashed the jars down, kicked open drawers, and laid it all in a mess on the floor. Soldiers would be coming soon, I felt them streaming down the hallway, but this was primordial. This was it.

Within moments the room was a mangled mess, bloody bits strewn here and there, and I was drenched in a haze of magic, drunk on it. I didn’t know what I was doing or I would have been repulsed by the room and this gory mess.

Instead I felt Bella through me, in me, unifying through me. Her voice through mine, her heart beating in time with me. Power drove through me in near orgasmic waves. I couldn’t think, was only a puppet that was repeating, doing.

Then, abruptly, I collapsed into darkness. I found myself on all fours in smears of blood and shards of glass, mind reeling from the absence of magic, the void of Bella within me.

I did see the gun hovering before my face though. Beyond, I saw FoxFace, furious.

Then the world turned black.

Mental Illness, Medication, and Writing

I strike again! Here I am, about to tell you (once again) about something I may have previously mentioned (in fact I’m quite sure I did), but that I’m going to rehash.

One of the reasons I refused to take psychiatric medication was because I thought it would interfere with my writing, with my ‘intuitive’ channeling of these novels that I was receiving from another realm. Remember, I thought this was sacred, special, and that medication, by muddling with my brain, would interfere with my ‘channelling’.

I’m glad to say that the exact opposite has happened. In fact, it’s almost become a pain in the ass. You see, once I became stable on medication, it’s like my ‘radar’ cleared up. The static in my brain was gone/lessened dramatically, and now I could think and perceive things way more clearly.

In fact, I believe I began receiving messages in my dreams unlike never before. I would dream of deities showing me things, executing vengeance for me, etc. And the story ideas! They come so often to me in dreams now that it’s actually annoying, haha. I get story ideas faster than I can finish the novels! Which, uh, really isn’t saying much because I’m slow at finishing novels but eh. The point is, thanks to being mentally stable due to medication and lots of therapy, I now have more story ideas than I ever had before. In fact, now I can ask a question about a novel, sleep on it, and chances are I might have gotten the answer in a dream.

Y’all, my dreams are off the charts as far as psychic mojo goes. I receive so many messages via dreams now, so clearly and so well!

And that’s it, y’all. That’s all I have to say for today. Take care!