Killing Characters and Grieving (spoilers?)

Maybe this is dumb. But I’ve had a rough day, struggling to keep my head above water, and then – BAM! a character up and dies. Whoosh!

What was a dramatic and happy scene took a morbid turn, and (I don’t want to spoil it for anyone) let’s just say I am now minus some very loved characters that I did not expect to go without.

As a lgbt+ person, I think I feel more when a character of lgbt+ stripes dies. I… just wish everyone could live happily forever after. And though I know death is a part of life, it hits me harder in stories than in real life.

I don’t know why. I don’t really understand it. I was told of the suicide of someone I knew, and it felt very – ah? Oh well. I knew it was sad, but I didn’t feel sad. I felt a sense of respect towards them, for their choice, and felt that they had crossed through the veil. That was all.

But when a character dies? Oh my. I mourn. As I have told y’all, the last time one of my characters died, I took three days to recover. Now, I’m seriously hoping it won’t be that long this time. I already feel like a train wreck, was already anxious, and now? I feel upset in an unwordable way. I feel distressed, disturbed, like something is wrong with my world. All this because a fictional character died – in a world of my own creation.

I really don’t understand why my character deaths bother me so much. Is it because something is over? Is it the end of some part of me? Or what? I truly don’t understand, and would appreciate some insight, if anyone has any. I know other authors get upset over their characters, but this feels like … a notch or three higher. Like, it’s worse than when someone I know dies. It’s so strange, and I can’t explain it and don’t understand it.

Anyways, everything is alright in my life. I’m almost done this novel, and am (as usual) debating what to do with it. I’ve been scolded recently by loved ones because I’m apparently ‘sitting on a gold mine’ by not getting myself traditionally published. They seem to think I really should, but – the fact is that I really struggle to get paperwork and stuff done. I’m in the throes of some right now and it’s not pretty. I’m barely getting it done. I really don’t feel like I could manage to stay on top of a publisher’s demands. The thing is, I know that self publishing can work, and make more money than traditional publishing. But… am I doing it right? Agh. I – just wish I could settle my mind and know that I’m doing the right thing.

As you can see, I’m a bit upset today. A bit off kilter. I just want to do what’s right for me and be successful so I can care for my loved ones but I feel like such a failure. At least I’ll be making a little bit of money – if I can get students to take my course, which I’m doubting anyone will sign up for.

Anyways, I’m going to go and rest. Maybe paint or draw. I wish you all well, and hope you all have a lovely day/evening. Much love ❤

Struggling Today…

It’s terrifying, really, how quickly we can go downhill. How one seemingly tolerable incident can *boom* send you spiraling down. And it’s so hard to stop the spiral.

I wish I had some wisdom to impart today, but I’m not sure I do.

I managed to take a shower, which almost set me in tears. I am more functional than I was earlier on. Napping helped. But really, what do you do when you feel like you’re just slipping downwards?

Well, what I’ve learned with my social worker, is to focus on what you can grab on to stop the sliding, even if just a little.

Don’t focus on how shitty you feel. Focus on what might make you feel a little better, even just a little.

For me, it’s music and colors. So I forced myself to listen to music and color and draw in a cute birdie. Yay!

Altogether, I am sorry to be pitching so much moodiness out here into the void, so to speak. And yet, I really enjoy being able to be honest with people like this. It’s freeing to just expose the wound to others and say ‘here, I’m hurt’.

Maybe that’s something we need to do more of within paganism, speak our truths and pains. We do seem to be a vocal bunch, but I don’t know. Do we really talk about our nitty and gritty? I don’t know. To be fair, I’m not entirely in the loop as to who’s talking about what.

Oh, and one last thing. Where are the discussions on the fallibility of deity? I’m researching it for a course I’ll be teaching… and all I found was Christian crap. Anyone out there talking about the limits of the deities and spirits? I’d love some links if anyone has any.

In the meantime, I’m really reconsidering what to do with my birdies. Not that I want to stop doing them, but I’m wondering if making them a pagan project was too narrow for them. Maybe I should just leave them a non-pagan thing, and leave them as a cute little project.

What’s spawning this consideration is that I have a link that may be able to get my children’s activity book into a schoolboard, but the books would have to be a little less religious. A thing I’m not sure would be bad. Maybe just nature-centric would be enough for them. I don’t know. Thoughts?

Here is the picture I drew this afternoon. I hope it makes you smile and brings you some joy. Thank you to all of you for your support ❤

Picture Share! Princess Rebella!

So, wifey built me a new computer! It has windows 10 and the ensuing krita on it, and I messed around on it. And ohhh, I actually like this picture!

I have to say, the single thing that has helped my art the most (beside my wifey’s critiques) is doing my own makeup studiously. Y’all, that REALLY helps figure out how to paint a face. Blend, blend, blend, contour!

Lately, I’ve been drawing the characters from Lage’s Game, and I gotta say, I really do like this picture of Rebella! Yes, that nasty princess will be quite important in the story I feel… I have some idea of what kind of future she has in the story, but I’m not sure. Things can change so much! But yes, she will be important!

Anyways, I am well, and have spent a lot of time art-ing around 🙂 so enjoy this picture, let me know what you think, and have a great evening/day!

Take care y’all, much love to you all ❤

Author’s Update: Life is Good

Life really is good for me right now! My wife’s dog ran away this morning, but came straight away back when my wife called for her (I had to holler for fifteen minutes without results, haha). Things are peaceful and calm, and I love it that way.

But one thing irks me. I haven’t had a single comment on ‘Lage’s Game’ in AGES! I know y’all are reading (and thank you so much for that) but – what are y’all thinking? What does the story make you think of? Do you like it? No? Yes?

Personally, I’m really liking this story. It’s got ‘vibe’ to it. It tingles my spidey-senses. I’m loving the development, the characters, and how fast-paced it is. Granted, now I’m wondering what each of these characters has ‘in play’ and what they want and from whom. I’ll have to keep writing to discover that, I guess, that or (dun dun DUN) brainstorm? Brainstorming is generally pretty useless for me though, haha. I think up all these things and then change my mind the minute I touch the keys. Yep. So yeah, Lage’s Game is going pretty well. I’m working on several other projects on the side as well – one painting project and several other Farfadel books. Several? Oh yes, several, haha.

I’ve also got some lovely feedback from a reader about my latest Farfadel book: that it’s a great middle-grade children’s book. Children’s book? Me? I … never thought of them as children’s books but now that it has been pointed out to me, I guess it really does fit the criteria for one. They’re just a tad bit on the long side for children but hey, whatever.

The giveaways have been going great as well, getting lots of views and comments, but somewhat less than I expected. But! I am determined to focus on the positive! I’m getting really positive feedback, and people seem excited for my books, which is great. I’ve even been told that I should sell my books locally at farmer’s markets and stuff like that. Which, really, whenever I can get my author’s copies in (amazon won’t let me get author copies. I had to order full price to get the ones for the giveaway!), I will definitely check into! Wouldn’t that be exciting? Author parties! Meeting readers! More giveaways! Heheheh. I love giveaways and goodies, does it show?

Anyways, that’s my update for today 🙂 I really hope y’all are doing well and that you’re enjoying my books, whichever way you’re reading them. Much love to you all!

Rant that mentions violence: TRIGGER WARNING for Violence

So I’ve been absent lately, but I’ve been engrossed in novels and being sociable. I’ve gone to so many social things and read so much! I was reading a book by the Dalai Lama on Dharma talks and one by Desmond Tutu on human goodness. It was all fun and nice.

But yesterday sort of threw it all into a strange perspective. I had gone to spend time with my mother at a cafe. Mom paid for the coffees, and the server lady put the cups on the counter – and promptly collapsed to the floor! AHH!

Sure she was having an epileptic fit, I ran around the counter to hold her head. But she wasn’t seizing, rather she was breathing fast and seemed confused and in pain. Well my mom called the ambulance while i ran around looking for a friend she claimed was in the shop somewhere. i didn’t find the friend, but found a first aid person, who suggested we prop her knees up and wait for the ambulance. I held the ladies’ hand and we waited. It went very well when the ambulance got there. We were able to tell them the time she had spent on the floor and how she was doing, and they took her out in a stretcher. A cop arrived to watch the store until another cashier showed up.

So hah! That was exciting to say the least! But then! After leaving the shop later with my  mom (we did rest a little and enjoy a coffee while waiting for my wifey to be done her meetings). But then! I was waiting in the car for my wifey to get cat food. I checked my families’ facebook group chat, and saw that a relative (I won’t say who) had posted a video. I clicked, thinking it was going to be something silly and weird. Well it wasn’t. It was a video of a mob holding down a man while a dog ate his penis.

It was disgusting! It was infuriating! It was shocking! I was so mad at my relative for having posted this, to have shared in some way in supporting such an action! It was such a strange contrast to all the emotions and philosophies that I have been trying to cultivate in myself lately.

Family drama has definitely ensued, the person claiming that ‘that’s what should happen to pedophiles’. I find it to be a sketchy excuse, because people tend to defect to pedophiles as being this ‘worst and most abominable’ kind of crime, without necessarily weighing in on all the factors of a crime. It feels like a pre-made excuse for violence against some ‘bad guy’.

So yeah, I’m a bit still in shock. I keep seeing the video every so often behind my eyes, and it really shocks me how it’s so against everything I stand for. It feels like a sort of life lesson, a challenge, and I hope I’m reacting to it well. Anyways, I managed to write a little today but I still feel fragile and cautious with my emotions. I hope it didn’t influence my writing. I hope y’all enjoy what I’ve written and that it brings you all lots of smiles. I know that I’m definitely enjoying my writing! it feels like such a safe haven from the awful things of this world.

Anyways, lots of love to you all.

I’m Tired, but I went to the Library!

Hi everyone! I hope you’ve all been well. I’ve been surprisingly busy these past few days, in happy ways.

Today’s tired face:

First off, I went to the local library yesterday. I had an urging to go and behold! I found six (yes, six!) books to read, including one from the Dalai Lama. I was so happy to have gone. I’m already half way through the Dalai Lama’s book, and started two others.

Here are the four nonfiction books that I borrowed!

Today, I went to a knitting club with my wifey. It was lovely! I met a local Buddhist who had been to retreats in Nepal. They were very excited to meet someone else who wasn’t a Christian (though I didn’t tell her that I’m just an eclectic mass of neopaganism). I had a lovely time, and my wifey wants me to go back so that I have social practice, haha.

On the other hand, yesterday (during the day) I started working on my comics again. I found it went very well, crunching down a whole 1,000 word section into tiny sketches. I wish I could work on it again today, or even that I could write. But I’m under the weather in an anxious and tired kind of way. I missed my morning and afternoon prayers, and just feel like reading. I don’t feel like I have the energy for anything else, especially not anything creative. In short, the knitting club took a lot out of me! I tend to get very excited before events like this, so that takes up a bunch of energy I suppose.

Anyways, I’m off to read. I wish you all the best. Take care everyone!

Ways to Self-Care (ideas)

I need to be kinder with myself. Lately, I’ve been pushing myself to do so much, to perform so well, that I’ve been overlooking my successes and beating myself up mentally. I want to work on my novels, draw pictures, work on my birdie books, all that in the same day as well as functioning like a non-disabled person. Which I know I can’t do. I just can’t. I don’t have that many functioning hours.

Today we went out to get my meds and I was so anxious 😦 it makes me see just how bad my bad days lately have been. It makes me feel like I still need a service dog. Even just sitting in the car while my wifey drove (which I normally can do without stressing) was making me anxious. Because, hark! Curves were coming up! What if we took the ditch? Yikes! It was depressing.

However, once we got home and I realized this, I’ve decided to be gentler on myself. So I’m going to only do what I can do, and celebrate that. But how? Like, I can sit here and be all ‘yeah, I’mma be kinder with myself’, but what steps can a person actually take to be kinder on themselves? Here are my steps that I’m going to (try) and do in the next little while.

  • Set more realistic goals.
    • I tend to overdo it on the goals thing. I want so much done, and I want it all done well, and super fast. But life and disability doesn’t work that way. So I need to aim for less, so that I can actually succeed.
  • Listen to my needs.
    • Maybe not cut out all the sugar. Maybe allow myself some sugar, to, you know, live. Lately I’ve been on a ‘I must lose weight’ binge, which is actually really stressful. I need to get a better relationship with food.
  • Take concrete time to rest.
    • For me, I think I should rest more in the mornings. I have no concrete ‘rest’ time. I keep telling myself that I’ll rest in the evenings, but that’s when I do my writing, so… I have no down time.
  • Not overload myself.
    • I have a new commission coming along, as well as one underfoot, as well as all my writing… I sense that things can pile on quickly! Thankfully, nothing has definite due dates. In order to help with my workload, I’ve been very transparent that the artworks will take time. So far, no pressure, and I’m getting them done. But I need to keep that ‘no pressure’ and not heap too many more things onto myself.

I think, really, that the most important thing when it comes to self-care is to break it down into concrete steps, whatever that means for you. For me, this is enough structure, but for others it may involve more strict scheduling, complete with agenda markings and reminder stickers. But the important thing is to have steps. To know how you will take care of yourself, because if you just ‘wing it’, you might not get it done at all, and with self-care that just shouldn’t happen. You really need to take care of yourself, be it by taking pajama days or having a nice coffee date with yourself every so often!

Well, I hope this has been helpful to some people. For me, I find it useful to put my ideas out there and write them down. So, hopefully this will mark a new period of self-care and less self-imposed stress!

 

Well That was Dramatic!

Today, two things have happened so far!

First, and foremost in my little writer’s heart, I woke up with a dream fresh in my mind. The dream was of a gay and trans romance in a ‘slice of life’ style. Very “Coffee Break” style, for those of you who read that book (thanks to all who did!).

So, I woke up super motivated! My little author’s heart went pitter-patter and I couldn’t wait to get to my computer and start typing out this lovely new story!

But then… I heard a rumbling. The corgi bork borked. I went to the front door, as the wind was quite strong and maybe the tempo (temporary car shelter) had shifted or something.

Well, there was no more car shelter.

I looked left, I looked right, and still saw no car shelter. It had taken off! It was off in the horse field, complete with the huge bricks still tied to it!

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Wifey for scale of the disaster!

 

And that was today’s second event. The car tempo had taken off! Crash! Straight onto an electric fence! Well, we got our butts moving and took it apart as fast as we could (first turning off the electric fence) (because it was frickin’ cold too – the wind was slicing through us!).

Now, there was a car in the tempo before it had taken off. Luckily (stroke of the divine?) the car isn’t even scratched! The house wasn’t hit either, and the fence was barely hurt! So for how much damage could have been caused, there were very little actual damages!

So that’s been my day so far, folks! Very cold, very adventurous, and mercifully (thanks to the gods!) nobody hurt! I hope you all have a lovely day!