Aggressive Self Care

Apparently it’s a term my psychiatrist had never heard before. Aggressive self care. But it’s what I’m trying to do, haha.

Lately, I’ve been trying so hard to take care of myself. If it was a technique, or a strategy, it would definitely be called aggressive. Proactive at the very least.

I’m trying to make myself actual food. No cake for lunch kind of deal. I’m trying to drink water. I’m trying to do the five daily prayers as a way to consciously take 5 minute breaks of zen. I’ve even been trying to limit my desserts and only take them when I self care.

So far, it’s been helping. I’m getting back on my feet. Im trying not to push myself too hard to write though, hence my not cranking out so many words lately. Im very sorry for anyone who’s looking for some of the Circlet story. I just cant seem to write it, and Lage’s story is just coming to me easier these days.

I have been working on my children’s activity book too, and am about halfway through it. It’s going to be huge (to me, haha)! Its going to be over 70 pages of activities and colorings to do! All pagan themed! I cant wait to see what you all think of it!

What else has been happening in my life? I’ve been coming to terms with some difficult things, family wise, as well as trying to spend time with my loved ones. Rough things are happening, but we will get through this. I’m really just trying to heal right now.

Also, I’m working on a special birdie project that means so much to me, but it’s a secret so far. At least I dont remember posting about it before, and dont plan to until its finished and I can finalize it. Knowing me itll take quite some time to get it done, but it’s in the works. Good things are coming, yall.

Finally, I want to say thank you to everyone and anyone who has bought my books. I am very touched by all the sales I’ve made, and am considering celebrating them by offering signed books for a price. Would anyone be interested? Or some bookmarks?

I’ve been thinking of holding a contest for my birthday, where I could send out a book to one winner, bookmarks to the second, and something else to the last one. Would anyone be interested in it if it was a writing contest? Or just a “share the page and like” sort of contest? Give me your thoughts! I miss hearing from you all!

I hope you are all very well, and wish you all the best in these hard times ❤

Depression and Writing

Depression is hitting me hard. I think it’s my symptom/condition that I have the hardest time accepting. It’s not glamorous, it’s never fun and never makes you feel special. It always makes me feel like I’m worthless and useless. As an author, this preys on my natural beliefs.

You see, I tend to see myself as a vessel for my stories. But combined with my depression, I feel like nothing BUT a vessel. I feel like I’m nothing without them.

The sad truth is that writing is my whole life. It’s me. It’s been my refuge since childhood, where it suddenly filled a void within me that hurt so badly until then. Ever since I started writing, my days rotate around it. As a kid, I would squeeze it in whenever, would draw my characters everywhere, and obsessed over them.

Now, I wake up thinking of my novels. I spend my mornings wondering what I’ll do until I get the chance to write. My whole day is just spent waiting until the right time to write. I know I dont have the mental energy to write all day, but I wish I could. Already I love writing 5 hours a day, and feel bad if I “waste” even one of those hours not hammering out words.

I know this isn’t healthy, but it is what it is. My writing is my life. The only other thing more important is my wife and my relatives. Literally, unless it’s a basic need, everything else feels secondary. I dont want to travel, I dont want a career, I just want to be good at writing and do my stories justice. I want to accomplish what this drive in me is calling for.

But when depression hits, as it does now, I cant write. Every word hurts, I cant think, and then everything that makes me ‘me’ seems to crumble away. What use am I if I cant write? Not being able to write for even one day is a terrible blow. What if my stories are terribly written? What good am I if i can’t get my stories out there properly, to those who need to read them? I know it sounds dramatic, but not being able to write feels like a poisonous sin that will destroy me.

I know, in some way, that my belief of me being just a vessel for writing is bad for me. I need to see myself as more. But how do I do that? It’s like seeing yourself beyond an addiction, in some way.

And then, what’s wrong with this view, if it gives me purpose and value, even in some small way? I know I should see myself as more, but what if I dont feel like more? I feel like so much in my life just points towards writing, and like it’s the cornerstone of my life. Where would I be without it?

I know, in some factual way, that I am a person without my writing. I’ve experienced that, by having my spiritual projects. But… I just feel like more with my writing. I feel this compulsion and a sense of destiny and being attuned with the universe when it comes to writing. Is that a symptom of a delusion? I dont know what to think some days.

I guess I cant hope to find other people who feel this way. I’ve hoped, and as of yet haven’t found other writers who seem to have this weird perspective and obsession and maybe even delusion with their writing. And yet I hope. I feel lonely, a lot, so isolated with my writing. It’s not the only way I connect with people, but unless someone dips into this part of me, do they know me at all? Will I ever find that I am not alone in this weird feeling?

“My Name is Chaos”; Chapter Fifteen, Part Two

Bella continued her grip over me until we had transported to the mortal plane. There, I finally was in control of my body. It didn’t come with a warning, or a gentle ‘here you go’. No, one moment Bella was striding forward, then the next I was crumbling down, waving my arms and flailing my legs to try and catch myself. Needless to say, I landed face-first in a snowdrift, gracelessly.

Pfah! I spat snow and scrubbed the freezing stuff off my face, propping up on one hand and scrambling up to my knees.

Inside, I felt Bella laughing at me. Thanks, but no thanks, I thought bitterly. “You can’t just do that!” I muttered viciously, just to be sure she heard that thought.

She must have heard me, but there was no answer. Perhaps she was tired from the stint of taking control over me? Now on my feet, I began trudging forward.

The portal had transported us into a scenery that looked dangerously familiar. There was quaint farmhouses. Lots of snow. Fields and valleys. And there, on the horizon? Pine trees of doom. Ugh.

I trudged and trudged and trudged. My feet were freezing and I was muttering angrily under my breath, wondering why the hell Bella hadn’t transported me closer to civilization. Why? And why did I have to do all the legwork, literally? Huh? She could walk and feel the freezy bits too!

No sooner had I thought that than I heard the sound of skidoos on the horizon. Great! I looked left, right, and saw them approaching from both directions. What luck!

It took me all of two seconds to realize that this was no luck. The humans must have sensed the portal somehow (what? Since when did they have that technology/spider senses?) and those skidoos were aiming straight for me.

So I stood still and let them come to me. Nope, I was not spending one iota more energy than I had to. No A+ for effort. I just stood, feet freezing, hands stuffed into my pockets for warmth, my breath freezing into misty clouds before me.

Finally, the skidoos (there was more than two, in fact they had been two flocks of five) drew up. Their riders fanned out, drawing guns that I recognized.

“Freeze!” one of them barked.

I laughed, hands still in my pockets. The irony was not lost on me. Freeze? Did it look like I was doing anything else in this stupid weather?

Laughter done and over with, I drew my hands slowly from my pockets and held them up at my sides. “Look, all I want is to talk,” I said flatly.

There was a beep. “Target recognized! Set to stun!” one of them barked.

“Hey wait-”

Thud thud thud, I was stabbed by about a dozen feathered needles ramming into my chest. “Fuck,” I groaned, hoping it wasn’t possible to overdose on this junk.

Then, the world swam and toppled over.

I woke up in a situation that was an echo. I was strapped down, and Leo was at my side in a lab coat. FoxFace was beside him, grinning wildly.

“What an excellent situation!” she was saying as I blinked awake.

“Oh,” Leo pointed at me. “Awake.” And he waved his fingers over my face. “Hey there!”

My first reaction was to snatch at those dumb fingers. What did he think I was? A baby? But I was strapped down, right? I just snapped against the straps, painfully.

“Good, awake,” said Leo, scribbling on an electronic pad.

“Hi there kiddo,” said FoxFace, leaning over me with a wicked grin.

I scowled and twisted my head away from her. Ugh. “What the hell?” I demanded. “Untie me!”

“Oh no,” she said, obviously enjoying herself. “We’re going to do this right here, like this. What brings you here?”

I glared at her, then skipped my eyes over to Leo. “What are you doing here?” Poor guy, he’d tried so hard to escape. But then again… my pity evaporated at the sight of his huge grin.

“Safely back at work, thank you very much,” he said pleasantly. Too pleasantly. Wasn’t he supposed to be miserable? What, had they tortured him into happiness? I frowned, puzzled.

FoxFace chuckled, patting Leo on the shoulder. “Our Sergeant here is perfectly well, don’t you worry. But you-” she pried at me with an eyebrow. “Tell us more.”

I snarled silently, lip curling in distaste. But what could I say? “I would like to talk to Leo alone.”

“Not happening!” said Foxface cheerfully. She snapped up a syringe from a table and waved it around like a drag queen would a shoe, a very dangerous shoe. “I believe you’ve been introduced to the dangers of needles, right kid?”

My scowl stayed firmly in place.

She grinned like this was one of those moments in life that she lived for. “Air in needles?All bad news for you, so,” she stretched out the syringe so that it was absolutely full of air. “Want to talk? Or am I sending you on a hot trip home?”

Cursing silently, I looked around. Nope, no rescue team coming in to help me. I hadn’t told anyone I was leaving, and so really, no backup.

“Okay, look!” I barked at her. “I just want to see her body! That’s it.”

Foxface made an unimpressed face. “Which part?” she asked, nonplussed. Then, setting the needle down she added “And what for?”

I pressed my lips together. Think, think, think. The best lie is one that contains the truth so → “Her soul is missing,” I blurted. “We think it might be lingering around her body.”

“Really?” asked Foxface. Turning to Leo she asked “Any electromagnetic activity recorded around the body?”

“None whatsoever,” said Leo happily as he checked something off his tablet. My, he looked so happy.

“Lookit,” I blurted. “Just a bone. Give me a bone.”

“A bone?” Foxface’s eyes lit up. “Whatever for?”

I floundered. I wasn’t sure why I wanted a bone, actually. “Uh, uhm, I uh-”

Foxface smiled like a cheshire cat. I shrugged. “A bone. Please. If you give me a bone, I’ll tell you something else.” Like what, genius? The color of Lucifer’s underwear?

“Oh no, no no no, you tell us what the bone is for, then we’ll see what we do from there.”

I bit my lip. This wasn’t going so well.

“My Name is Chaos”; Chapter Fourteen, Part Two

Alright. I was cool, I was calm, I was completely in charge. I just felt like I was freaking out, but that was a feeling, not a reality. I felt ready for a meltdown, but that was NOT going to happen. I was in control.

I breathed deeply through the nose, then let it out. Okay. Calm.

Thumping my head down onto the table, I knew I was anything but. I’d always prided myself on being an independent and self-powerful and determined person. Now I missed Bella – because she’d told me what to do? What kind of sap was I? I never needed anyone!

With a groan I told myself that I was being an idiot. A weak, spineless, gutless, flop. Who needed someone to tell them what to do? A weak person, that’s who.

I clawed at my hair. That’s it! I rose top my feet, full of a decision. I was going to get rid of Bella. The angels were right → this was a virus! She, Bella, must have infected me with something! Something that was eating away at who I was, something that was changing me in my vital essence.

I turned, and yelped, jumping almost out of my skin. Because right there, right before my nose, was Bella.

“Missed me?” she cooed, strange smile ever in place. Like she was daring me to say otherwise.

My jaw hung open. A mirage, the back of my head told me. Just a flimsy outcropping from the part of her that’s hiding within you. Not really fully there.

If ever there was a chance at me battling, taking down Bella, here it was. This was just a piece of her, after all.

Instead I felt my knees buckling as her finger pointed me down, like we were linked through a string of communication and obedience. I barely registered the cold of the floor’s tiles beneath my knees. My heart was pounding, my eyes captivated by the vision before me.

A finger caressed my cheek. “Good,” she crooned, leaning over me. The studs and buckles on her clothing glinted in the light, her smile eerie. There was no scent to her as she came to a stop directly above my face, proof that she wasn’t fully there. “I’m no virus, Chaos,” she whispered. Her touch trailed to the back of my hair and I shuddered in pleasure as it gripped in my hair, tugging just the right amount. “But you promised yourself to me. And I don’t take that lightly.”

Butterflies were filling my stomach. I felt euphoric and couldn’t blame her for that. I was so happy, but the back of my mind was screaming in fury. How could she do this to me? How indeed, except for the fact that I wanted this, needed this on a carnal level?

“Indeed,” she whispered before kissing me gently. It was chaste, short, and left me hoping for more. But then she let go of my hair and stepped back. I was free, but only in a simplistic way. Truly, her sepll was still over me.

Her smile turned wicked as she looked me over. My heart thudded in my throat and I hoped vainly that she liked what she saw.

If she’d heard my thought, she didn’t comment on it. “You’re going to go to earth and find my body,” she said, eyes lingering over my chest.

She stepped back to me. My heart skipped a beat and I craned my neck to look up at her. I felt flushed and bare from how much she was staring at me. She stooped again, reaching for my necklaces this time. With a twist of her wrist she wound the necklaces around her fist, tightening them around my throat. “No more of this backing out or being silly. You obey me.”

I caught myself nodding, hoping for a kiss. For maybe a little more.

She chuckled, drawing me from my foolish thoughts. The necklaces thudded against my chest as she let go, and she pushed my head down into a bow. The touch lifted from my head, and I saw that her boots were gone. I looked around, and she had vanished.

For a moment the happiness and elation continued. Bella had been here! To see me!

Then, like a cold deluge, the realization settled in. I was sunk. I was a failure. Either the virus was in full swing, or the part of me that loved Bella was… submissive.

I hugged myself, digging my nails painfully into my arms. What the hell?!, I asked myself. You’re better than this! Get help! Be sensible!

Squeezing my eyes shut, I knew all that. But I felt, I felt, that I could not betray her. I loved her. Deep down, as I breathed and calmed myself, I became resigned to my fate. A fate by her side, on my knees.

Yes, it was becoming clearer as I relaxed. Some spirits dedicated themselves to causes and capacities, others to the causes of larger spirits. I would be one of those. I would dedicate myself to Bella.

It wasn’t from a lack of choice, I realized as I stood to my wobbly feet. It was just that, a choice, and my head knew I was making the wrong one, but it felt so right in my core. Bella had taken hold of my heartstrings and I just couldn’t turn her away. It would gut me.

I squashed down my emotions, becoming cold and calculating in my obedience. I could do this, I knew. I would help Bella.

I fetched my weapons, grabbed a snack, and shrugged on my checkered jacket that had once belonged to Mike but was certainly mine now.

And off I went, ignoring the gaping pit that was opening up within me. At least, I told myself, if I followed Bella I might not have to face the Thunderbird tomorrow.

“My Name is Chaos”: Chapter Nine, Part Two

Ahhh! Writing this makes me squirm. It really makes me think of how little we discuss abusive relationships within an LGBT+context. How fragile people are when they are in love and, really, how we all just want to be loved. I really hope this reads smoothly and  not just like a textbook of abuse. Critiques please?


“Chaos,” a voice was calling. It brought back sweet memories and I knew I liked this person. But who was it?

My eyes fluttered open, and I saw cropped hair, a bright grin – “Al?” I asked. But then my vision shifted and the skin was too pale for Al. The hair too orange and fiery. “Bella!” I realized, my heart flip-flopping in excitement and joy. She was here.

But as she smiled so sweetly at me, I remembered everything else. How I was trapped from within out – and maybe everyone here was as well. But that couldn’t be true, was it? She mustn’t have meant to shoot through me. But she had to have.

My brain struggled with itself, intuition battling logistics. It must have shown on my face.

“Shh,” Bella cupped her hands around my cheeks, thumbs caressing me. “Stop that. You’re worrying too much.”

“But,” I muttered as she leaned over me, her blue eye glistening. I found myself holding onto her arms as if for dear life. Like she was the only thing holding me together.

“I’m here,” she said gently. “It’s okay.”

Shamefully, that soothed me. Bella could take care of everything, that I knew innately. I knew she was practically the master of the universe – everything would be fine.

“There,” and I realized I’d closed my eyes in relaxation. Surrender. She seemed so sweet and caring. “You’re all right.”

I nodded obediently. Whatever she wanted.

“Here,” she shifted, climbing onto the bed to lay down at my side. My heart fluttered happily. I couldn’t help but grin as she nestled next to me, her head on the pillow with me.

“So?” she asked. “How are you feeling now?”

“Better,” I croaked. I was less foggy, I guessed. She nodded. Her hand caressed myshoulder, then played in my hair. She seemed to be thinking as she twiddled my orange hair. Then, she said “I’m very proud of you. You’ve done so good.”

“Really?” my mind was baffled. She shot through me-?

She smiled, but it was regretful. “I know what you’re thinking. I shot you. But Chaos, it was really important. And I know you’re powerful and that you’d survive. I made sure to aim safely.”

The back of my mind was not impressed. The rest of me fawned and brushed that aside. She hadn’t meant it!

She held up a pinkie between us. “Pinkie promise that you forgive me?”

I laughed. So childish. But did I really forgive her? A niggling part of my brain was like ‘no, it’s not okay’, but the rest of me was charmed.

She kissed me on the forehead, making warmth flood me. “Thank you for understanding,” she whispered. “I really appreciate it.” Then she kissed me on the lips.

My heart swam. Butterflies filled my stomach. I found myself gripping at her greedily. We kissed again, then deeper. Then, content, we nestled together, our foreheads almost touching. Her blue eye was nearly shining.

“You know, I feel like you understand me,” she whispered. “Just you.”

“Really?” I asked, flattered and touched.

She nodded. “We click.” Then, with a laugh she added. “I wouldn’t shoot just anyone, you know.”

I laughed along with her, but I wasn’t sure I should have.

Grinning, she continued. “I can just be with you. I don’t have to impress you or be the boss.” I nodded. “I really like you,” she whispered. “I don’t want to ever let you go.”

“Me either,” I whispered honestly. Our fingers found the other’s, and we held onto each other. It felt like nothing could tear us apart. I closed my eyes, and our foreheads rested together. I was happy, blissful even, and I didn’t care to wonder where that happiness came from. At least not then.

Later, when I woke up alone in the empty bed, I wondered at what had happened. The fog in my brain was gone. I had my head on my shoulders again, and I was thinking critically once more. But that really didn’t make things nay easier.

Bella loves me and I loved her, was what felt like an obvious conclusion. Just the thought of her filled me with butterflies and a giddy smile. But did everyone feel that way about her? Was it ‘just’ magic? Did everyone feel that way about her?

But she’d said I was different. She’d said that she loved me, practically.

And that was her excuse for shooting me?

I sat on the edge of the bed, agitated and grumpy. None of this made any sense. Not to me, anyways. Weren’t abusers evil, cruel, and nasty people? Yet Bella seemed so kind to me. So sweet. So caring when she nestled next to me.

I chewed on a hangnail, wondering what I should do. I hadn’t attacked Al, merely stood in the way – and they’d seen me get shot. Maybe I could claim that I was being held hostage or something and go back home.

But the thought of leaving Bella made me nauseous and deep down I knew I wouldn’t. It just wasn’t an option. I loved her. And I believed she loved me too. Maybe, maybe… an idea rose up within me, strange and unfiltered.

Maybe Bella was just warped. She was only part angel, after all. Maybe she just didn’t know how to have a real relationship, what with having adoring fans and all that power.

I bit my hangnail too hard and bled beside it. Cringing, I sucked on my blood. My theory made sense. Bella did love me. She just didn’t know what to do with me. Maybe she was ashamed even of loving me in front of others. But she loved me.

Yes, she loved me.

Convinced of my theory, I stood and ran a hand through my hair. The path before me was obvious now. I couldn’t leave her just for being weird. What kind of person would I be to do that? No, I was going to stick by her. Maybe I could fix her. She probably didn’t know, didn’t understand even, that she had hurt me.

Yes, yes, I told myself. This all made sense.

Confident, I plucked up Mark’s sweater, put on my boots, and strolled from the room.

“My Name is Chaos” Chapter Nine, Part One

I woke up in a fog. The world felt coated in an invisible mist. I didn’t place the room I was in, couldn’t recognize that weird photograph on the wall, or the wallpaper-covered walls.

Dizzily, I sat up. My chest was bandaged, but my jeans were still on. There was no pain, but I guessed that was courtesy of my massive brain fog. Too much painkillers? I shifted to the edge of the bed and looked around. There was Mark’s jacket and a pile of clothes.

I dressed like a robot. Recent events tumbled back at me, but I felt numb. There were no emotions in me to react to them. I felt aimless, empty. I wandered to the bedroom door and found myself wondering if it was a good idea. Maybe I should lie down. But I wasn’t sleepy, just limp emotionally.

After a moment of standing before the door and staring at it while debating with myself, it opened. The burly vampire was there, with two other female vamps. They seemed surprised at seeing me. I just blinked, brain not registering anything.

We stood like that for a minute, them staring at me and me staring at them. Then, the burly vampire cleared his throat. He held up a greasy paper bag. “Your food,” he said.

I didn’t understand. My brain was just so slow. I pressed palms to the side of my head. One of the female vampires stepped forward and I recognized her from being one of Bella’s troupe.

“Come on, you’re supposed to still be in bed,” she said, taking me by the elbows and steering me back into the room, then to the bed where she sat me down.

The room spun. I was guided down into the pillow, where I landed face-first. My arms didn’t want to move. I drifted away.


I jumped, yet my body barely moved. I blinked, but could barely lift my head now. I felt like I was getting worse. I dug my hands into the mattress to prop myself up. The vampires were watching me – with pity?

“You need to eat. It’s going to absorb the poison,” she said. The burly vampire was at her side now, offering what looked like greasy potatoes and a sandwich. The sight made me want to retch.

I shook my head, sliding back down into the pillows. My eyes drifted shut.

“Bella’s going to be furious if you don’t eat,” she moaned. “Come on, please eat.”

I felt something. It pierced my fog like a knife. Love. Bella. I was suddenly awake, mind sharp and cut open.

I struggled up onto my arms, then sat up. “Bella?” I asked. Within me, there was happiness, but it didn’t make sense. Something in me was squealing like a fangirl just at the mention of her. I felt happy, light and giddy. Also nauseous.

The vampires nodded. The food was offered. “She wants you to eat,” the burly dude said, and the woman nodded enthusiastically. I felt like a toddler being coerced to eat their vegetables.

Bella. My mind was full of her. Recent events, the bow, our happy time yesterday, it all clashed together in me with this intense coating of happiness. Of desire to please her. To just be beside her. This fascination.

I looked dizzily at them. Did they feel feel this way about her too? Was that why everyone followed her and why she wasn’t their juicebox?

“W-why-” I tried to ask, but the food was put in my face.

“Eat!” they chorused together, but it wasn’t mean. They just seemed frightened.

I took a bite of the sandwich and chewed. My mouth was dry. It was such a chore, but I got through it. Then, I dropped it into my lap. There, I’d done my part. Now for them.

“Why do you follow Bella?” I asked, thinking that yeah, I should havce been asking this days ago. Don’t ask Bella the questions. Ask the minions.

They looked uneasily at each other. “You need to eat,” the woman said. “Come on, eat some more.”

“No!” I snapped. “Tell me!” I wasn’t taking orders from them!

Again, they looked at each other. The woman crouched down before me, clearing her throat.

“Bella is our leader,” she said, and again I felt like the toddler. “And we follow her.”

“Why?” I croaked, feeling that I already knew the answer. I did, didn’t I?

Again, they exchanged a look. The woman cleared her throat again and stood up. She dusted off her hands.

“You’ll know once you’re awakened,” she said quietly. “Eat your sandwich now.”

I wanted to throw the sandwich on the floor. But what would Bella do if I didn’t eat it? I took a mouthful grimly.

“We’re going to be around if you need anything. For now just stay in bed and rest. Let us know if you need anything,” she said, drawing away.

The big hulking dude was about to say something. But he didn’t. With a nod in my direction, he walked away. They closed the door behind themselves, and I was alone.

I really could have used some water, but got that sandwich down anyways. The potatoes could rot in hell. I flopped back down on the bed and let the mist cover me. It was as I was drifting away that I realized that I missed home.

“My Name is Chaos” Chapter Eight, Part Two

Well this is one long chapter part! I intended to split it up into two sections, but it just flowed out and now it’s long and here we are!

I’m really not sure that this post requires trigger warnings. There’s a bit of abuse and fantasy violence, but it’s not described much. There is heckloads of stupidity though, and I’m starting to get a ‘Smack Chaos for being stupid’ drinking game going on in my head, where we smack him and take shots at the same tmie. I’d be taking so many shots all over this story, haha. I mean, on one hand I find him relatable in how the magic is twisting him. On the other hand, I’m not sure if he’s being too gullible or not. Thoughts? I really think that this is something that I’m going to have to see how it pans out through the novel and then edit it in the second version.

But Chaos’ stupidity aside, I still really like this novel. I like Chaos. I find him relatable in his gullibity with Bella, and his stubborn nature. This story is really growing on me. I also really like Bella. I have her as being this twisted character in my head, and I really hope it’s coming out the way I want it to.

So tell me what you think! Give me your reactions, and what you think of Bella and Chaos so far! Also, enjoy this picture I made, haha. It is supposed to be both sweet and creepy due to the manipulative aspects of Bella, the colors representing Bella’s eye colors. Chaos and Bella


“So what’s the plan?” I asked as a biting wind swept over us.

“Lunch,” she announced. “You must be hungry.”

I laughed. “No, that’s not what I meant. What’s your plan? Overall? Why bring all the vampires and werewolves to earth?”

Bella smiled out at the fields. But she was silent.

I whined. “Come on. Tell me something.”

She let go of my fingers and crossed her arms haughtily. “You tell me,” she said sweetly, leaning her head almost onto my shoulder. “What do you know of me?”

“Nothing,” I admitted. “I don’t know anything about you. You’ve not shown me a thing!” And now I was promised to her side… how had this happened? So quickly too?

Bella was all grins. “You know something. Tell me what you know.”

“I don’t even know your real, original, name! Who you are, where you come from- I didn’t even know there was a ‘you’ in charge here! Come on,” I whined playfully, prodding her ribs, but she apparently wasn’t ticklish at all. I propped my chin on her shoulder. “Tell me what you’re up to.”

Her smile vanished. “You didn’t know about me? Interesting.” She ran a hand over my hair, petting me. “Why were you sent here then?”

I cringed at giving that away. “I shouldn’t tell you.” Should I? Hadn’t I already set my dice in her camp, so to speak?

“Really?” she seemed hurt. “Alright.”

I bit my lip and pulled her into my arms, her back against my chest and my chin on her shoulder. I buried my face in the warmth of her neck. “I was sent to close a portal you were opening in your center.”

“The portal?” she asked sharply, stiffening, then relaxing. “That’s what they’re worried about?”

I nodded against her skin, squeezing my eyes shut against myself. I shouldn’t have told her. But it felt so right to have her in my arms, to feel her relaxing back against me.

“That’s insignificant,” she drawled. Again, she stroked my hair. “Don’t worry about it. It’s nothing.”

I wanted to believe her. So I kissed the skin of her neck, just above her turtleneck and beneath her ear. “Are you really opening a portal to unleash hell on earth?”

She laughed. “That’s a dumb plan, Chaos. I’d like to think I’m more creative than that.” Her gentle touch turned rough, gripping my hair tightly so I hissed. She turned around in my arms, holding me still while she smiled at me. “I’m going to save everyone, Chaos. It’s a little more complicated than ‘unleash everyone’s minions upon the realm of incarnation’. Trust me.”

“I trust you,” I said honestly, openly. It was true. Something visceral in me felt connected to her and deep down, I felt that she could do no harm.

Her lips quivered in her smile, itching to turn into a grin. “So stop asking so many questions,” she said playfully.

“No,” I said back, just as playfully. I tried to lean in for a kiss but she held me back by my hair.

“No is not an answer for me,” she said semi-seriously. “You’re going to learn.”

“Learn what?”

“Everything,” she released my hair and turned to the open field again. “Soon, we’re going to have so much to do it’s going to be hectic. That’s why I need you.”

My heart fluttered happily at the thought of being useful to her, of being by her side. Our fingers wrapped around each other as we settled again side-to-side. We nestled together sideways, and it was so peaceful.

I didn’t know for when, but I knew I’d hold onto that moment for time to come. It was picturesque and perfect. Us, together.

It had to end. Bella ordered our helmets back on as the sound of skidoos was heard across the fields. “Something’s happened,” she said, eyes narrowing.

“How do you know?” I asked, curious of whether she had a special psychic connection with her minions. I was hoping she didn’t, out of jealousy.

But she just tapped her cheek, pointing at her angel’s eye. “I’m an angel, sweetie,” she said charmingly. My heart fluttered. She was cute, in a funny kind of way.

As the three skidoos arrived, we were ready, helmets on. They just had time to skid to a stop beside us when Bella said “Let’s go,” and gunned her engine.

We didn’t go back to town. Instead we wound through the pine forest, following deer trails that Bella seemed to know very well. I clung to her, feeling my heart pound in my chest. I hoped that whatever thr trouble was, it was human. Please, I wished to the great Goddess, mother of all gods, please let it be human. I wasn’t sure how I’d manage to face someone from home. What would I say? I’d look … stupid. But how could I put into words all that had happened to me in the past day or so? This strange bond with Bella? How could anyone explain that?

As I was busy worrying, time went on. Too soon, we burst out of the pine forest and onto a road. There, at an intersection, was a giant portal. There was burn marks across the road, and melted prints leading away from it.

We all skidded to a halt, making sure not to run over the tracks. My heart sunk down into my stomach as we stepped off the motorcycles and shedded our helmets. The wind whistled eerily between the trees, sweeping dust-like snow across the drifts.

“So,” said Bella, Marching towards the portal. “What do we have here? Chaos!”

I trotted to her side, hands in my pockets. “Yes?” I tried to ignore the dirty looks from the vampires, including mister Mcbigbigguy.

She pointed to the portal. “Tell me what you know. Friends from home?”

I sniffed the air. “No.” It didn’t smell like hell at all. Rather, the portal smelt … pine and … Crisp. Airy?

“Air realm,” I announced. Then I looked down at the very solid tracks. Wolves. “Native American pantheon,” I guessed, heart sinking lower and lower. They were here for Al.

“Here for your friend?” asked Bella with a sneer. “Very good.”

I startled. “How-” was she reading my mind?

She smirked at me. “I know she wasn’t the one who destroyed the vampire carriage. It was you, idiot.”

I flinched at her harsh words. So strange coming from her.

But then she smiled sweetly. “Come on, make yourself useful. They’ve probably already found your girlfriend by now. They’ll be back soon.” she pointed to the portal. “this isn’t meant to stay open long. It’s a direct line home. In fact,” she looked around. “Very interesting that they left it unguarded.”

I shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot. The cold was seeping through my boots. It was biting at my hands. Couldn’t we just leave this alone? “So, uhm,”

“So, uhm,” Bella said sharply. “Get ready. They’ll be back any minute now. And we’re not letting them go.”

My heart sunk some more. It seemed that was all it was doing. “We’re not?” I asked sheepishly. “I mean, if we just let them leave they won’t cause any trouble.”

“Just let them leave?” Bella laughed coldly. “And what then? They’ll set up a highway through here? No Chaos, this is my realm. No one passes through without my permission.”

“But she’s not causing trouble, she just wants to go home-”

“You really think that?” she asked sharply. “Or did you really believe you were the only one they sent to deal with me?”

I shut my trap. Because yeah, I’d believed that. But now that she mentioned it, Al’s appearance and choice to incarnate pointed to the opposite.

“Younger, smaller, spirits are harder to track down, like dust,” said Bella. “So we wait for them to come to us.”

There was a grunt of approval from the vampires. They drew their blades, at the ready. Bella pointed here, there, and there, placing everyone before the portal. Then she drew back, admiring her placements. “Perfect,” she called out. “Except Chaos, who’s standing smack in the middle of it all. Thank you Chaos, can you move?”

Her words stung. Why was she being so mean? What had I done? I shrugged. “Where do you want me?”

She pointed to the right, far to the right. She herself was trudging to the left. “We hold the sides so they don’t run away.” She announced.

I took up my position, cursing myself for acting so docile. Since when did I just take directions? But for Bella, I was willing to bend over backwards.

So we stood there, almost knee-deep in snow, wind whipping across our faces, and Bella giving me the coldest shoulder of all. It all stung.

Then, we heard the flapping of wings. Glowing blue eyes appeared in the forest at my side. Wolves padded out, an eagle flying among them. I cringed as the deer I had spotted in the car came out with them.

The eagle landed before me, taking the shape of Al’s incarnation. “Hey, you,” she said icily.

One of the wolves took a human shape, shifting into a burly native warrior in tribal dress. Al’s bodyguard and my smallest fan. “Looks like you’ve made friends,” he said sharply.

I didn’t answer. I didn’t know what to say.

“Come on,” Al said angrily as she took my elbow. “Let’s go.”

“No!” I wrenched free.

Al startled, scowling at me. Her bodyguard glared me down. I swallowed. “I’m not going back,” I announced. Then, in a mumble, I added “And I don’t think you can either.”

“What?” Al scoffed, looking around at the vampires around us. “Do you really think-”

Twang. Whoosh. It was all the warning I had before an arrow ripped through my shoulder and stabbed into Al.

I collapsed forward, crashing onto my knees, my hands clutching at the gaping wound in my shoulder. Stars of pain danced before my eyes. My mind reeled, trying to understand what happened. Al was doubled over, a red arrow jutting from her chest.

Another twang. Al’s bodyguard yanked her out of the way just in time as another arrow came whooshing from directly behind me. It came so close to me.

The wolves jumped forward, bodyguard among them, carrying Al forward. I didn’t turn my head to watch as they jumped past me. I was looking down at my purple-red blood spattering across the snow, steaming and melting into it.

What the hell, I thought. The only person behind me was Bella. It couldn’t be her. It couldn’t.

I staggered to my feet, only dimly hearing the crash of battle behind me. I turned, and saw the vampires being thrown aside by the warriors. Al was being carried into the portal. Bella drew a bow – she was carrying a bow?

My mind spun. The world spun. Nothing made sense. This was completely out of tune with the world within me, with that soft ecstacy I knew of Bella- how did this compute?

An arrow hissed through the air, thudding into the back of the bodyguard and ripping through him. He stumbled – but made it into the portal. With a cry from one wolf the warriors fell back with the deer, jumping through the portal. The vampires rushed, but it was too late. The portal closed with a hiss, vanishing on itself.

The silence was stunning. Suddenly there was just the sound of heavy breathing, the crunch of snow. Bella was walking towards me. Her bow had vanished.

“Chaos!” she called.

The world span. I took a step back. But she trotted over, grinning widely. “You did great Chaos!”

“What?” I babbled, mind spinning. In a rush, I was furious with her. Everything seemed clear. She’d abused me, used me, and shot me. Literally. I was nothing but a meat screen for her to hide behind.

“Chaos!” her hands were on either side of my head, her blue eye sparkling at me. I flung her hands off – or tried to. She had grips in my hair.

“Chaos,” she said, her voice sweet. And then there was silence – but not within me. I heard sweet words within as her mouth moved. I felt pure love. Deep within, I knew that she loved me. That she was enamored with me, that the shot hadn’t meant anything. It was overwhelming, like padding in the brain. I couldn’t think, could only feel this fierce love, this burning sweet attraction.

Vampires were around me. They were watching, eyes glowing bright with magic as they circled around Bella and me. But they were just the backdrop, and Bella my focus. I barely noticed them, even as their hands touched me. I didn’t even feel them catch me as darkness closed over me.

“My Name Is Chaos”: Chapter Three Part Two

I honestly don’t have much to say here except -> Thanks to everyone who reads and leaves comments! They totally make my day! Look forward to (possibly) some sketches of the (not so) fabulous trio coming soon!


Beyond the fire and flames, things calmed down ridiculously fast. No, there was no helicopters chasing after us. Not even cars. We were just zooming away through the hellish pine trees, skidding over the snow. The worst we encountered was a small snowdrift across the road.

“Are they not coming after us?” asked Thor, checking the rear view mirrors obsessively.

“Actually, I don’t think so,” said the scientist oh so calmly from the back seat. “We are in vampire territory, after all.”

I turned around in the seat and looked at him. “What do you mean by that?”

“It means that they can’t just send helicopters and armored vehicles into vampire land without it appearing as an invasion. So we’re technically safe,” he said with a cold smirk.

Thor gave me an ugly look. “You’re really dumb?”

I jabbed a finger at him. “Now lookit! I’m just not well versed in social affairs! I’m really good at – at -,” and there I floundered for a moment. I was far from the best fighter out there. I wasn’t the best magician. “I’m really good at art,” I mumbled dejectedly. The splattery kind.

Thor snorted. “That’s the kind of thing that won’t get you far in life.”

“So you wouldn’t classify yourself as a good fighter?” asked the scientist, drawing out a notepad from his pocket and scribbling at it.

“What are you doing, taking notes?” I gawked back at him. He nodded.

“Helps me remember. Now who would you classify as a good fighter?”

I snorted. “Ever gotten into a scrap with an archangel? Michael’s a good fighter.”

“Hmm, I see,” more scribbling ensued. “And should we be expecting to see those anytime soon?”

“Of course not!” I snapped before thinking. The Archangels stayed all stuffily in their holy world. The rest of us – well we just needed to fix this little problem. I folded my arms and sat back into my seat, refocusing. I had to get this done. And if we were heading into vampire territory, then things were going surprisingly well. “Hey, you two are going to help me out, right? I’ve got something I need to do.”

Scientist McNerdynerd took off his safety glasses and pocketed them. “And what would that be?”

I looked at Mark pleadingly. “You wanna help?” I fairly whined.

“What is it?” grumbled Mark.

I grinned and propped my feet up on te dashboard, feeling super proud and important. Becau-use… “I have been chosen to close the portal that the vampires are trying to open.”

“They’re trying to open a portal?” asked the scientist.

“To where?”

“To Hell, of course,” I said with a drawl. “They’re going to bring all their friends out here on earth. And maybe start Ragnarok by cracking open a seal that brings forth jesus’s ugly lamb-side.”

“Ragnarok?” asked Thor, eyeballing me. The scientist scribbled hastily away.

“Of course,” I drawled. “But we’re going to stop it. So no biggie.”

“Wait a minute, you’re just mixing hell, Ragnarok, and Archangel Michael together,” growled Thor. “You can’t just-”

“Oh yes I can,” I sniggered, lifting my pentacle pendant to nibble on it.

“Am I to assume all mythology to be accurate in some form?” asked the scientist as he scribbled away.

I shrugged, holding up my pentacle before myself. It glinted in the moonlight. There was no rule against divulging to humans what they already knew, was there? “Sure,” I said nonchalantly. Then, after a pause I said “Ancient mythology. There isn’t any great flying spaghetti monster.”

“And why,” the scientist started, but Thor cut him off.

“And who are you? Huh? Vampire spawn?”

Oh right, he didn’t know. Lazily I brushed my hair from my face. “I’m the grim reaper’s child.”

Another angry glare. “And so?”

That – was not the response I’d been looking for. Grovelling? Anyone?

“I’m the grim reaper’s child!” I fairly yelled. “A little respect here?”

“You’ll find that lineage bears little weight in contemporary Canadian culture,” said mister nerd in the back seat.

“Lineage is important!” I snapped, glaring from one scowling Thor to the nerd. “It gives you your powers!”

“And Lucifer went from angel to bad guy,” snapped Thor. “So go shove it!”

“Lucifer’s pretty cool,” I grumbled. “Or do you mean Satan? Both pretty cool.”

“Should we be worried about meeting them-”

“No!” I yelled, turning on him. What, didhe want the whole cavalry to show up? This was not some experiment! “Look, this is a relatively discreet thing – we don’t want everyone to show up. It’s just me, and now you two as well. Okay?”

“Closing a portal?” asked the scientist. “That sounds fairly simple.”

“Where is this portal?” growled Mark.
I gave him a cheesy grin. “Where else? In the middle of vamp-land.”

“The latitude and longitude middle, or the theoretical middle? Or the middle of their largest city?”

I turned around in the seat and glared at him. “Which do you think?” I asked saucily while my mind raced. Now that he mentioned it… I’d always just assumed ‘the middle’ meant the middle of their largest city.

“I’d assume theoretical middle,” he said.

“But which is it?” Thor asked, thumping a hand on the steering wheel. “And what’s the plan?”

“Well I think it’s in the middle of their city,” I huffed, crossing my arms across my chest and throwing myself back against my chair. “And do we need a plan?”

There was a dead silence in the car.

“You don’t have a plan?” the scientist whispered so quietly it was almost drowned out by the sound of snow crunching under the tires.

“You don’t have a plan,” cursed Thor.

I bit my lower lip. Was it really a problem?

“No wonder you got caught,” murmured the scientist in awe.

I slunk lower down in my seat, biting my pentacle pendant. These people just didn’t understand me. I would show them. This mission was easy. I was going to succeed, and easily at that. The beginning was just a hiccup. All I had to do was –

Thor cursed loudly. “Vamps,” he said, pointing ahead.

Indeed, vamps. As in, a full blockade of the things, complete with machine guns and baseball bats.

“Were they expecting us?” I asked, shocked.

“Now would be a good time for a plan,” said the scientist, chuckling nervously.