Tag Archives: lgbt novel

“Dreaming of Lights” ~ Introduction

“Dreaming of Lights” is a story that requires introduction, in my mind.  Just like “My Name is Chaos”, “Dreaming of Lights” is inspired by dreams, several of them, that I mashed together in a strange way. I tried to make sense of captivating confusion, if you will. That being said, there is some things to point out.

Kuryo, the main character, is a name that came to me in one of these dreams. I searched on the all-knowing internet, and it’s basically ‘Goryeo’ (that’s how it should be pronounced too), which is the old name for feudal Korea. If I’m wrong, someone fact-check me with sources, but that’s what I found. So yes, Kuryo is probably ethnically Korean in the story (which is in another world with unnamed continents because it doesn’t matter to the story). But for all of you who are like ‘wait, in the first chapter Kuryo refers to themselves as being ‘dirt colored” – but Koreans are pale?!

Uh, skin whitening creams are a big deal in that part of the world (and many other ‘Asian’ countries as well), and pop stars are really no reference. There are dark-skinned Asians, but you probably won’t be seeing them on TV due to internalized racism and ‘white-washing’.

Speaking of racism, I did try and keep racist slurs and junk like that out of this story, but I felt it was important for Kuryo to reflect a bit of internalized racism, as they would have been exposed to so much of it, and the class structure of the story is kind of important, at least to me.

You will also notice that I keep referring to Kuryo (one of the two main characters) as ‘they’. That’s because of the characters’ gender is … particular throughout the story and I find it simpler and spoiler-free to say ‘they’.

So what else do you need to know before reading about “Dreaming of Lights”? Well, it’s my little brain baby. It’s a story I whipped up within a year (all 100,00+ words of it!) and churned out with quite some intensity. It fascinated me. I love it, and sincerely hope you will too.

As I mentioned, I have my whole rough draft all written down. Now I need to edit it, which I will be doing slowly. As I edit I will post it here, and once it is completely finished I will publish it on Smashwords or Amazon and maybe even AO3.

So please, read along and do comment plenty! Let me know what you think, what you like and don’t like, and get involved! I love interacting and talking about my novels, so please drop a comment or two!

“My Name is Chaos”; Chapter Eighteen, Part One

I woke to a gentle light, and the feeling of soft bedstuff around me. Ahhh, yissss. I rolled over, snuggled in a pillow, and smiled to myself.

A flash of remembrance struck me, a vision of the Sky God as he fell, as I cut him down. It was clearer than I remembered it being, as if time had sharpened my view on all the nasty bits.

My eyes snapped open, my chest heaving. Where was I? Bella’s room, as it turned out. On the incarnate plane, with a pile of incense burning beside me.

Inhaling deeply, I tried to sit up. I almost barfed. My bones ached, the world swam, and I felt horrible.

“Hey,” grunted a voice beside me. Again, I startled. There, hands lifted as if they meant to do no harm, was a vampire. They were seated with a book in one hand. Had they been posted to just sit there and watch me?

“Our Queen wants to see you once you’re awake,” she said. Then, as I nodded, she added (as if she’d been avoiding saying this) “She is very pleased with you.”

oh-kay. Jealousy much? But I nodded. What the fuck else was there to do? Brush aside the compliment?

As soon as the vampire left (taking their bad mood away with them like a stormcloud), I dressed. It was a painful affair, thanks to the state I was in. The black t-shirt snagged around my neck, and I remembered the collar. A quick glance in the mirror, and yes, it was the collar. The sight of it made me smile. Lovely thing. It made me proud. I was glad everyone could see it, this mark of ownership. I was even more happy that I’d lived up to it yesterday.

Luckily I’d stepped away from ogling myself when Bella marched in.

“Chaos!” she said.

“Hey,” I croaked as I finished pulling my boots on. Bella didn’t care, coming right into my bubble.

“I’m so proud of you,” she crooned, burying her fingers in my hair. Her grip tightened and I was pulled into a kiss. A happy kiss. Butterflies burst to life within me and I was smiling gleefully when she pulled back.

“We have a meeting,” she said. “Lucifer wants to meet me. Come.” Without waiting for my answer she turned and marched away. I followed, but not fast enough. With a yank the leash drew taught between us and I almost fell forward on my face. Yeouch! My neck! When had she clipped the leash on? It must have been during the kiss but I felt stupid for not noticing it.

Bella merely glanced over her shoulder, but hadn’t slowed her pace. I’d gotten the point though, and was now rushing to her side. She smiled, pleased, and we continued on through the house.

The portal was outside, and we’d crossed about a dozen or so vampires by the time we reached it. Funny, but I barely thought anything of being seen leashed to Bella. Yes, I noticed the stares. But off the cuff, I thought it was more due to jealousy than anything. I didn’t even rethink about the leash until we stepped into the portal, and that was because it whipped against my chest. After that, I entirely forgot about it, save for a warm feeling of pride deep inside of myself.

When the portal released us, we were before Lucifer’s throne. Lucifer, as it was, looked content. He had a scroll in one hand, a book in the other, and a tablet on his lap. He sparkled more than usual and his makeup was on point. Also there was definitely no way anyone could walk in those heels.

“Oh hello,” he said, rising to his feet and proceeding to prove me very wrong with a saunter. “how are you?”

In those heels, he towered over us by a full head or so. Still, it wasn’t intimidating. Lucifer never outright tried to intimidate anyone. You could easily take him for granted – at your own expense.

“Namastay, namastay,” crooned Bella sweetly. “We’re good, how are you?”

“So good!” Lucifer flung out his hands – and I realized all the book and tablet and scroll had vanished when he’d stood up. “I haven’t seen the angels look so humiliated in Years, darling.” Turning his back to us he sauntered back to his throne, where he draped himself. His wrist flicked and a chair appeared, with a pillow at its feet. “Do sit down.”

My jaw nearly struck the floor. A chair? These were infamously rare in Lucifer’s realm. He ‘never’ allowed anyone to sit before him. But now- Bella carelessly took the seat, and nudged the pillow into place before herself. “Sit,” she said to me.

On the pillow? On the floor? At her feet?

For just a second I hesitated, my old pride rearing up. I wasn’t a lapdog!

But I was, I remembered. She had declared me hers, and if she wanted me to sit at her feet, then, sit at her feet I would.

Not necessarily pleased and somehow more embarrassed by this than by the leash, I sat down on the pillow.

“Aww,” Lucifer crooned from his armrest. He held up his fingers so as to make a picture frame to see us through. “So cute. Nice pair.”

I flushed. Bella smirked nastily. “What did you want to talk about?”

Lucifer dropped the finger-frame. “I wanted to tell you something, strike a deal, if you will.”

Bella nodded. Lucifer grinned wickedly. “First of all, congratulations, girl. You’ve done so good. Come so far. I’m sure Nirvana is very close for you.”

Bella hummed and nodded, accepting the compliment with narrowed eyes. Lucifer continued.

“I also see that your hive mind is coming along very well.”

Bella startled. Lucifer chuckled. “Isn’t that it? A hive mind? I’ve heard they’re hard to run,” here he lifted up his nails – they were decorated like claws with beads and glitter – and inspected them. “That’s why I never wanted to run one, you see. Too much work. All the bla di bla -”

“What do you want?” barked Bella. Now it was my turn to startle. Was it safe to be interrupting Lucifer? But Bella looked like she was seething. A fact Lucifer didn’t seem to give a rat’s ass about.

“I like hive minds,” Lucifer continued, waving his fingers in the air. “Always wanted one. So you see – that’s all I want. Let me be part of your hive.”

Bella turned her head to the side as if to deflect the weirdness of that. Lucifer waved his fingers some more about himself, now looking at Bella like she was not catching on fast enough. “You know? Observe? Have fun, listen in-”

“I know that,” snapped Bella. “The question is why, Lucifer. You never do anything without a reason.”

Lucifer laughed. “Really? Darling, you don’t know me very well then, and you haven’t stuck around her for sure. I’m quite not like the Sky God, you know that. I like things to be pointless.”

Bella’s eyes were narrowing. She seemed really confused.

“So here’s the deal,” Lucifer’s hand was now outstretched to Bella in offering. “You let me into your hive mind. And we work together. You and I, not causing chaos in the universe. We will listen to each other, make things harmonious. And,” Lucifer’s eyes lit up “I’ll help you get that portal to Nirvana.”

Bella looked ready to squirm. The corners of her lips were twitching upwards, yet her eyes were doubtful.

Lucifer cackled. “Think on it, baby girl.”

“My Name is Chaos”; Chapter Fourteen, Part Two

Alright. I was cool, I was calm, I was completely in charge. I just felt like I was freaking out, but that was a feeling, not a reality. I felt ready for a meltdown, but that was NOT going to happen. I was in control.

I breathed deeply through the nose, then let it out. Okay. Calm.

Thumping my head down onto the table, I knew I was anything but. I’d always prided myself on being an independent and self-powerful and determined person. Now I missed Bella – because she’d told me what to do? What kind of sap was I? I never needed anyone!

With a groan I told myself that I was being an idiot. A weak, spineless, gutless, flop. Who needed someone to tell them what to do? A weak person, that’s who.

I clawed at my hair. That’s it! I rose top my feet, full of a decision. I was going to get rid of Bella. The angels were right → this was a virus! She, Bella, must have infected me with something! Something that was eating away at who I was, something that was changing me in my vital essence.

I turned, and yelped, jumping almost out of my skin. Because right there, right before my nose, was Bella.

“Missed me?” she cooed, strange smile ever in place. Like she was daring me to say otherwise.

My jaw hung open. A mirage, the back of my head told me. Just a flimsy outcropping from the part of her that’s hiding within you. Not really fully there.

If ever there was a chance at me battling, taking down Bella, here it was. This was just a piece of her, after all.

Instead I felt my knees buckling as her finger pointed me down, like we were linked through a string of communication and obedience. I barely registered the cold of the floor’s tiles beneath my knees. My heart was pounding, my eyes captivated by the vision before me.

A finger caressed my cheek. “Good,” she crooned, leaning over me. The studs and buckles on her clothing glinted in the light, her smile eerie. There was no scent to her as she came to a stop directly above my face, proof that she wasn’t fully there. “I’m no virus, Chaos,” she whispered. Her touch trailed to the back of my hair and I shuddered in pleasure as it gripped in my hair, tugging just the right amount. “But you promised yourself to me. And I don’t take that lightly.”

Butterflies were filling my stomach. I felt euphoric and couldn’t blame her for that. I was so happy, but the back of my mind was screaming in fury. How could she do this to me? How indeed, except for the fact that I wanted this, needed this on a carnal level?

“Indeed,” she whispered before kissing me gently. It was chaste, short, and left me hoping for more. But then she let go of my hair and stepped back. I was free, but only in a simplistic way. Truly, her sepll was still over me.

Her smile turned wicked as she looked me over. My heart thudded in my throat and I hoped vainly that she liked what she saw.

If she’d heard my thought, she didn’t comment on it. “You’re going to go to earth and find my body,” she said, eyes lingering over my chest.

She stepped back to me. My heart skipped a beat and I craned my neck to look up at her. I felt flushed and bare from how much she was staring at me. She stooped again, reaching for my necklaces this time. With a twist of her wrist she wound the necklaces around her fist, tightening them around my throat. “No more of this backing out or being silly. You obey me.”

I caught myself nodding, hoping for a kiss. For maybe a little more.

She chuckled, drawing me from my foolish thoughts. The necklaces thudded against my chest as she let go, and she pushed my head down into a bow. The touch lifted from my head, and I saw that her boots were gone. I looked around, and she had vanished.

For a moment the happiness and elation continued. Bella had been here! To see me!

Then, like a cold deluge, the realization settled in. I was sunk. I was a failure. Either the virus was in full swing, or the part of me that loved Bella was… submissive.

I hugged myself, digging my nails painfully into my arms. What the hell?!, I asked myself. You’re better than this! Get help! Be sensible!

Squeezing my eyes shut, I knew all that. But I felt, I felt, that I could not betray her. I loved her. Deep down, as I breathed and calmed myself, I became resigned to my fate. A fate by her side, on my knees.

Yes, it was becoming clearer as I relaxed. Some spirits dedicated themselves to causes and capacities, others to the causes of larger spirits. I would be one of those. I would dedicate myself to Bella.

It wasn’t from a lack of choice, I realized as I stood to my wobbly feet. It was just that, a choice, and my head knew I was making the wrong one, but it felt so right in my core. Bella had taken hold of my heartstrings and I just couldn’t turn her away. It would gut me.

I squashed down my emotions, becoming cold and calculating in my obedience. I could do this, I knew. I would help Bella.

I fetched my weapons, grabbed a snack, and shrugged on my checkered jacket that had once belonged to Mike but was certainly mine now.

And off I went, ignoring the gaping pit that was opening up within me. At least, I told myself, if I followed Bella I might not have to face the Thunderbird tomorrow.