Lo! Be-holden! Y’all know that when I mention dreams – character lives are about to be fucked up, haha.

And that holds true for this time! For (LO!) I had a dream wherein (drumroll) a certain character woke up in the wrong body. As in someone else’s body. As in – they didn’t die. As in… am I far enough down that the preview won’t show this writing? Becauuuuse -> Kuryo’s story might be making a comeback, y’all!

Now, trust me, no one is more sick of the loop-de-loops of that story than I am. I’m almost ready to just chuck the whole thing from the tip-top most of a tower, but hey. I’m stubborn and I really like Kuryo and Chaos as characters. I keep telling myself (as in, today) that at worst this is all just more rough drafting and * eventually * it will make some sort of sensical thing. I hope. I really, really, hope.

I mean, I really like those characters. It’s just – the story derails from me and I feel like I get lost in the plot. If only I could finish the damned thing, sort it all out, and make it make sense. I’m sure it would be a blast, once it’s properly polished! But, I derail myself.

What happened in the dream? What can we expect? Well, the jist of the dream was ‘Kuryo wakes up in someone else’s body and has to deal with adjusting to that person’s life’. Like, wow. Not too drastic considering his story. But it would mean he wakes up in another of the five Kuryo’s bodies. And does it mean the evil stabber gets his powers? I considered that last night, and it came to me in my sleep that she (the god-slayer/stabber of Kuryo) would appear, and make attempt #2 at the whole murdering thing.

But in the meanwhile, there’d be this whole ‘Kuryo adjusting to his new life’ phase, which I honestly thought could be cute and charming. Or it could be boring. Either way, there’s a new girlfriend involved, university life, and a whole ‘was that real or did I dream that whole thing while I was in a coma?’ thing.

What else has been happening in my writing life? I had an idea the other day (while being unable to sleep) that it could be really fun to write a gay romance, with the main character having schizophrenia. So the next day, I sat down to try and write it. But (LO!) the main character was not schizophrenic but rather had DID (ba-dum-tiss!). Which, if you know about them, they are completely different things. DID is pretty badly seen, so after debating to myself about whether I’d write it or not, I figured ‘what the hell’ and asked around if anyone I knew had DID to help me as a reference. Well. Almost 6? 7? people came forward from various groups I’m in to offer and help. So now I feel like I should write the book, just because these people seem to want it. Or at least they want to help write it. So, I’m going to be trying to write that, which is really daunting, to say the least. A big challenge!

Speaking of challenges (my last point of the day!) I apparently succeeded in my portrayal of an intersex character! I won’t tell you the details, but there is an intersex character in my latest Farfadel novel, and my sensitivity readers LOVED them! They said I aced my representation. SO I’m feeling pretty capable and happy. Honestly, I know portraying an intersex character is not the same as a mental illness/disorder, but it makes me feel like I can manage. It makes me feel powerful, in an author-y sense.

Oh, and (the real, really, final last point) – I have a sort-of manager now! I found a fellow pagan who was willing to help me advertise and market myself slowly, along with some merch to go along with my stories, and so … hopefully there will eventually be a more organized version of me as an author? I probably won’t say too much about this, as it’s rather private, but I am excited to get help organizing myself! And wouldn’t Farfadel merch be great? Imagine the possibilities!

Anyways, that’s that. I really hope y’all have a lovely day/evening ❤ take care y’all!

Let’s Talk about Chaos…

Chaos! Everyone loved them, if the amount of discussion they garnered is a sign of things, hahaha. So what is there to say about them?

Their conception

  • How did Chaos begin? Well, Chaos was the central character in a dream I had, which just involved them being called ‘Chaos’ and being picked up by a trucker on the side of a road. Skimpy, right? I thought so. Which is why I was SO surprised when it actually began flowing and turning into a novel! I’m not even sure if their being the child of the grim reaper was part of the dream, but it might have been. And, really, that’s all I had. I didn’t know about their powers, their swords, or anything else. Just that it was a gothic-y teen, and their name. Yup.
  • Influences in Chaos’ character? I really went with the ‘kid of the grim reaper’ thing and went full gothic on them, as much as I could.
    • However, I was also inspired by my teenage times, when I literally could not be separated from a sweatshirt, even in the heat of Uganda in the summer. This, in turn, led to Chaos’ famous hunting jacket, which was the first coat I was able to pick out in my new modern life (after leaving the cult-ish setting I was raised in), a coat which was massively oversized for me but which I still have to this day. It’s so warm and fuzzy and full of awesome memories and I love it 🙂
    • While writing Chaos, I was worried they were going to sound like Kuryo! This worry grew bigger as Kuryo himself entered the story and I was like ‘what if they’re the same?!’ after all, they both wear sweatshirts?! Haha! However, as Chaos’ character developed, I found them to be WAY different than Kuryo was in his story. Kuryo is much more mature, much calmer and far more sensible than Chaos ever is/might be. Also, Kuryo is definitely trans, while Chaos is more non-binary.
    • What?! Kuryo is trans?! Let’s dedicate a point to this! Yes, Kuryo is trans. I was hoping to have a part where he tells it to Chaos, but it just never got worked into the story.
      • But Chaos was literally ‘in’ Kuryo! How did they not notice?! This would be because Kuryo has had all the procedures (multiple surgeries) in order to transition and ease his dysphoria. Some would read this as being ‘fully’ transitioned, but lots of trans people consider themselves finished their transition without the surgery, for many reasons. So we try not to say ‘fully’ transitioned, btw. So this means that even naked, Kuryo would appear as a ‘normal’ cis male, minus some peculiar scars left over from surgeries (some of which can even be absolutely minor and easy to miss).
      • But hormones! How did Kuryo not de-transition without injecting/taking pills every week/day? I’m not sure about trans women, but for trans men the injections can be every week, or every month or so (subcutaneous vs intra muscular). Kuryo, luckily, was taking them intra muscular and could endure the story’s length of time without missing out on his hormone injections. Also, even if you miss a week or so, the effects wouldn’t be dramatically visible to the casual observer. It would mainly be mood swings.

Their gender!

  • I think this is the part about Chaos that I have received the most amount of questions about, and I think that’s understandable! Everyone wanted to know their pronouns, and what gender they were. Well, I’m still not sure. You see, one thing that my wifey dear keeps saying about me is that I have a skewed gender marker in my head. I like effeminate men and butch women. But I ‘know’ how gender is supposed to be performed. I’m just… skewed in my preferences. So this makes gendering my characters hard, because I’ll always want the men to be femme and the women butch. But that won’t always suit their personality! Another thing that really doesn’t help me sorting out a character’s gender is that I always question it. One of my favorite characters (in another story that hasn’t been released or written yet) started out as a prince in my head but ended up as a very butch, angry, and gender non-conforming cis-gendered princess. You see, one of my tricks to see if I am making character stereotypes is to swap their gender and see how that changes the character. Whatever sticks is who they ‘are’ and whatever leaves is just superfluous. But this can really screw an author in the head, no matter how helpful it can be.
  • All that to say -> Chaos? I still don’t know! I don’t think they know! Definitely they’re AFAB (assigned female at birth) but their gender is ??? (author throws hands up in the air and shrugs). Are they secretly trans? I’d love that! But I don’t detect massive amounts of gender dysphoria or gender euphoria in the character, which would mean they might just be male-presenting, but not necessarily male as a gender.
  • So what does this make their pronouns? I’mma say this makes their pronouns they/them. Certainly, it’s what Chaos seems to identify as, as they call themselves genderfluid/bigender.

Their personality!

  • Chaos’s personality just flowed. As mentioned above, I tried to really go with the ‘child of the grim reaper’ thing, as well as a gothic trend. I was surprised when they came across as slightly spoiled and full of themselves, but I found that it fitted. After all, they would have been rather sheltered as a child, due to their parent’s secluded nature among the pantheons.
  • There really weren’t that many influences to Chaos! The mullet was completely randomly inspired (but maybe my subconscious got the idea from a recent remake of ‘take on me’ by this young group where the lead singer had a mullet?), and I hated it, haha. When Chaos got a haircut I was like ‘yessss! Finally!’. I hated imagining someone with a mullet, haha. Especially neon orange and black. Like, seriously Chaos? Did you want to glow in the friggin’ dark or what?

Who they dated/fell in love with!

  • Y’all probably didn’t notice this, but I was so rooting for FoxFace/Chaos. Yep, they were supposed to be a thing, but it just did not happen. After all, she was kind of dominant personality, a bit of a bitch too,  but her heart was in the right place, unlike Bella. But it was not meant to be! One way that I knew it wasn’t meant to be was that I couldn’t draw them out together! It just wouldn’t work! And when I can’t draw it, chances are I can’t write it either, for some reason!
  • But originally, Chaos was supposed to manage to ‘turn’ Bella’s personality. She was supposed to love Chaos enough that she decided to forego her fight against the Pure Lands and engage in healing herself.
    • I’m glad this idea didn’t work out because -> the idea of ‘saving’ a loved one by the power of love alone is shit. It is the reason why so many people stay in abusive relationships! So I was like ‘ehhh, should I do this or no?’. I was torn about what it would represent and mean to my readers. So I’m glad that, despite all of Chaos’s love and devotion, Bella remained a bitch. Because that’s how nasty people usually remain despite having a loving partner: nasty. They’re the only ones who can choose to fix themselves, and unless they truly want to change, they won’t. You can’t love someone better.
  • I’m so glad Chaos and Kuryo got together! I was shipping these two the moment Kuryo popped into the story, and am truly satisfied with the way things turned out. I think they’re a nice, sweet, and somehow still funky couple.
    • I just wished there had been more ‘cule action. Really, Aaliyah and Jade were pointless. They popped in, got Chaos where he needed to be, and basically faded from the story. Blah. If there is a follow up (I hope there is!) I want more ‘cule action. Much more Charr (she’s badass!), much more Kuryo and Chaos, and much more Aaliyah and Jade.

Well, I think this is enough for one post, haha. I hope you all enjoyed reading about Chaos’s behind-the-scenes! If there is anything else that I didn’t mention that you’re curious about, do mention it! Is there a character you would like me to discuss next?