There is just so much change and movement in my life!
I am newly single, getting into a job training program, freshly moved, getting gender confirmation surgery, and so much else! I have a hard time fathoms how much has changed, and how well I am coping with it all.
Now, I have started a new medication, risparidone, which has been doing wonders. I feel like I have a calculating head again. Or at least I had. In the past two days my anxiety has been kidnapping my brain again and now im worried that I’ll backslide all the way down to brain fog again.
But I dont think I will. I think I am doing well, that I am coping well, and that things are moving properly in the right direction.
I have so many plans. So much hope. I am hoping and praying it’ll all go well. There’s so much I want for my books, for myself. I am so grateful for my health getting better.
Anyways, this was a little update, friends. I hope yall are doing well, and that you and yours stay well 💗
Wow! I’m so happy and excited to say that now, finally, Chaos’s novel is done with and all posted. I mean, it needs some massive editing action happening all over it, but hey. Close enough. So what’s next?
My dear mother asked me yesterday if I had any writing goals for the coming year. I bumbled off that I was, you know, going to keep writing, and that made me realize that I should maybe have goals. I need goals so that I have things to strive towards and markers to tell me that I will have, indeed, succeeded.
So what are my goals? Well, I think I have several that are stewing around in the back of my mind.
I’d like to make Chaos’ novel into a comic book. Yeah, I’m a masochist, I know. But – Chaos! Comic book! Much fun, much pictures, much action! Much growth as an artist! Really, I think it’ll do me good. I’m stagnating art-wise and I feel this is the next step. Will I succeed? Will I be able to stay motivated and just do it? I’m not sure. I hope I can.
I want to finish writing and publish here (and on amazon) my next dream-inspired story (which is actually several years old).
I want to edit and publish Chaos’ novel on Amazon. Yeah.
I want to finish another Farfadel novel, and maybe edit and publish it.
I want to finish the artwork for a tarot deck I’m coming up with. What? Me? A tarot deck? Hell yes. I’ve been wanting to do one for ages now, and I’m making one as of a few months ago. The only clue to the theme that I’ll give you is this: it will be ‘cute’.
I want to finish the rough draft for Ranger’s story. This is a big deal because, surprisingly, I know how Ranger’s story is supposed to end. Unlike so many other story ideas, Ranger’s story has key points and almost a plot mapped out. Except the plot has massive, gaping, giant dinosaur sized holes. Yeah. I gotta write it out and solve all that.
I want to make at least one more coloring book, and hopefully another birdie book as well.
What else? Is that enough? No! Here are my networking goals.
I want to get my print books (as well as their bookmarks) in local indie bookstores in my area. I’m hoping to get my coloring books out in time for their seasons, as well as ‘A Tale of Two Queens’ out.
I want to attend a local authors’ event, such as ‘Le Salon du Livre’, and see if it’s somewhere I want to attend as an author.
I’m hoping to get my books advertised at local lgbt groups and events.
Do several author collabs!
Aaaand, I think that’s enough. We shall see if more comes up, haha. But for now that’s my author-centric goals for this year.
Oh, and for the next few days, because you’ve all been such awesome readers, I want to share with you all the ‘behind the scenes’ of Chaos’ story. I will tell you all about my inspirations and thoughts behind the novel! Stay tuned to discover the source of Bella’s mystical powers, why she had a bone against the Buddha, and mooooooooore.
So here, as a goodie, is the lineart for the (hopefully) cover of the new story that I will be posting soon! Which, coincidentally, I still need a title for… Hmmmm…. Anyways, I wish you all a great day and evening and happy reading!
Happy holidays everyone! Here’s an impromptu gift -> a sneak peek at what I’ve been struggling with lately! I’m showing this to you because I think, finally, that I have a result that I like. It’s not entirely everything, I have a small stack of sketches that I’m hoarding, but this is what I’ve colored in successfully.
Again, what will I do with it long-term? I’m not sure. But if I do succeed in drawing out the whole chaos story – I might just try and sell it instead of posting it for free because it’s a HELLA LOT of work. But then again – will I really do that, or just a little bit? I’m not sure. Either way, I’m super proud that I managed to do what I’ve done, and really want to keep up with it. I really enjoy it. Drawing a story out is a challenge that I haven’t done yet, especially something that’s written out (so I can’t change it to make it easier to draw!).
Anyways, I really hope you all enjoy these 🙂 Really, do let me know what you think! I know that the result is kind of scrappy and not the cleanest looking, but I kind of like it like that. It sort of looks like a kid drew half of it. I know I could be way more perfectionist and demand more precision, more finesse (better scenery, cough cough), but… this is a style that I feel I could upkeep without too much mental strain or anxiety. This also integrates my sort of sketchy miniature style with my more detailed style. Plus, hey, I like it.
Yes, I am full of Chaos-centric puns! However, I am also full of neck pain from spending so much time drawing!
How is the comic book coming along? Uhm, well, it’s happening? It’s painful? It’s not like I can’t draw the pictures, but more like I’m not good at designing the layout. Plus I’m used to drawing leisurely, so I have a tendency to just stop and think things over Way Too Much. Also, I’m snagging on the style. I was expecting to go totally graphic-novel and color everything in and… nah. Just, nah. It took me So Long to color in the picture that features in chapter ten, part two, that I wanted to give up on everything.
Here’s a Secret: I hate coloring. It takes forever. It feels pointless. I much prefer black and white.
So, putting my metaphorical foot down, I’m deciding to make this comic book mine. What does that mean? The question arose when I was suddenly inspired to add in stupid expressions. I was all ‘hey self, I shouldn’t do that because it’ll look goofy’ and then I was like ‘but it’s MY comic book! I’mma make it like I want and it’ll be goofy and dumb!’.
Because, you know, I was hoping for it to look super serious and epic. But instead, I’ve got some sketches that are just like this:
And, really, I’m not sure what I’ll be doing with this comic. Will I keep it up for the whole rest of the novel? So far I’m thinking that I’ll keep it up as practice, and once I get ‘good’ at it, I’ll reevaluate and (hopefully) start over from the beginning and make it a good comic.
But will I publish this? Will I post it for free as well? I don’t know. So far I got all of three pages done out of eight, which was all only one part of a chapter! That’s not a whole lot! And it felt like it took forever!
The upside is that I can totally see this improving my drawing skills, which is very inspiring.
Anyways, I just wanted to share with y’all how it’s going. It’s been fun to try, and I really want to keep you all in the loop. 🙂
Today, as it stands, I’ve written 3,000 words. I’m so pleased and proud of myself just for that, but it was also words in a Farfadel novel that I’ve been blocked in for some time so -> I’m unblocked! And usually when I get unblocked in one story I get unblocked in several so YAY!
Also, I feel like I’ve discovered a coloring style that suits my style. It’s simple, childishly so even, and yet I feel it suits Farfadel. I like it a lot more than when I add in more shading and stuff (which I always find ends up looking tacky). So behold, Queen Adelaide everyone (again!)
And yes, y’all are going to be getting more pictures from me as I try and figure out this style!
One thing that I think is peculiar to me and my kind of weirdness (please feel free to prove me wrong! I’d like to not be the only one, haha) is my relationship with music and writing.
Now, I’ve already mentioned that I get inspiration/messages from my dreams. Well, a similar thing happens with music. I will get a song stuck in my head as a sort of ‘message’. No, it’s not the same thing as just having a song stuck in your head. This kind of ‘stuck in your head’ is obsessive. It carries meaning and weight to it.
Inevitably, or at least quite often, this gets mixed in with my writing process. For example, yesterday I had inspiration for a new story (Yeah!). Today, for the third time, I went to try and begin writing that story. And for the third time, it’s flopping. I want it so bad but no words are coming. One could say it’s not ‘manifesting’.
And yet – I was able to draw the characters, with a certain song playing (and only this song) – The Bells of Notre Dame. As I listened to this song on repeat, I felt like the song was talking to me. I felt like it had a message for me, if only I could grasp it.
But did I grasp it? Not quite, not yet. I feel like I’ve gotten hints but not the whole picture. Maybe more will come when I sit down to write yet again. Definitely, I will be drawing inspiration for it and trying to use it to set the tone/theme of the story. But further than that, it’s hard to put into words what the music ‘teaches’ us in these moments. Certainly I can say some things like ‘focus on this character more than that one’ and ‘there’s probably lots of doom and gloom’ – but how do you explain getting that out of a song? I can’t. I like to just stick the song in a playlist that I’ve made for my writing, and just let the magic happen. I tell myself it’s maybe a sign from the gods. On the worst of days I tell myself it’s nothing.
But it is something. And I wish I knew what. I wish I knew whether this was a symptom of paranoia or a hallucination, or whether it was a sign from the gods.
Because, the thing that’s miserable in all this, is that music used to really be a source of hallucination for me. It used to speak to me, drive me into ecstatic states, and always felt like it was on the verge of being a language in my head. So is this just a leftover from those experiences? I hope not.
If anyone has similar experiences, I’d love to hear them, really.