Depression and Writing

Depression is hitting me hard. I think it’s my symptom/condition that I have the hardest time accepting. It’s not glamorous, it’s never fun and never makes you feel special. It always makes me feel like I’m worthless and useless. As an author, this preys on my natural beliefs.

You see, I tend to see myself as a vessel for my stories. But combined with my depression, I feel like nothing BUT a vessel. I feel like I’m nothing without them.

The sad truth is that writing is my whole life. It’s me. It’s been my refuge since childhood, where it suddenly filled a void within me that hurt so badly until then. Ever since I started writing, my days rotate around it. As a kid, I would squeeze it in whenever, would draw my characters everywhere, and obsessed over them.

Now, I wake up thinking of my novels. I spend my mornings wondering what I’ll do until I get the chance to write. My whole day is just spent waiting until the right time to write. I know I dont have the mental energy to write all day, but I wish I could. Already I love writing 5 hours a day, and feel bad if I “waste” even one of those hours not hammering out words.

I know this isn’t healthy, but it is what it is. My writing is my life. The only other thing more important is my wife and my relatives. Literally, unless it’s a basic need, everything else feels secondary. I dont want to travel, I dont want a career, I just want to be good at writing and do my stories justice. I want to accomplish what this drive in me is calling for.

But when depression hits, as it does now, I cant write. Every word hurts, I cant think, and then everything that makes me ‘me’ seems to crumble away. What use am I if I cant write? Not being able to write for even one day is a terrible blow. What if my stories are terribly written? What good am I if i can’t get my stories out there properly, to those who need to read them? I know it sounds dramatic, but not being able to write feels like a poisonous sin that will destroy me.

I know, in some way, that my belief of me being just a vessel for writing is bad for me. I need to see myself as more. But how do I do that? It’s like seeing yourself beyond an addiction, in some way.

And then, what’s wrong with this view, if it gives me purpose and value, even in some small way? I know I should see myself as more, but what if I dont feel like more? I feel like so much in my life just points towards writing, and like it’s the cornerstone of my life. Where would I be without it?

I know, in some factual way, that I am a person without my writing. I’ve experienced that, by having my spiritual projects. But… I just feel like more with my writing. I feel this compulsion and a sense of destiny and being attuned with the universe when it comes to writing. Is that a symptom of a delusion? I dont know what to think some days.

I guess I cant hope to find other people who feel this way. I’ve hoped, and as of yet haven’t found other writers who seem to have this weird perspective and obsession and maybe even delusion with their writing. And yet I hope. I feel lonely, a lot, so isolated with my writing. It’s not the only way I connect with people, but unless someone dips into this part of me, do they know me at all? Will I ever find that I am not alone in this weird feeling?

Depression Tips for Covid 19, Spiritually Speaking

 

Depression sucks. I’ve had bouts of it and gah. It literally felt like the world was grey and bleeding black around me. It was awful. My heart goes out to anyone experiencing depression right now due to the confinement situation, or from their work overload. So, today, while firing up my blog, I thought ‘hey, why not talk about tips for that?’.

I tend to focus on anxiety, because that’s what affects me the most, and I’m under the impression that it’s more common than depression. It’s also the general feeling I’ve been seeing people expressing online about this pandemic.

Yet, anxiety and depression tend to go together for me. Like, if I become very very anxious, depression can kick in. Yes, they can be separate, but as my mood swings are often anxiety based, so then can be my depression. My point is that they can be ‘co-morbid’, that they can go together as a package deal.

I sincerely hope that you, dearest reader, don’t suffer from chronic depression. If you do, I really suggest getting it checked out as soon as possible and get both medication and therapy as much as possible.

But what do you do if it’s ‘just’ the pandemic affecting you? If staying at home is just getting you ‘down’? Well, thankfully, that’s where our spirituality can kick in. We can use our spiritual practices to care for our inner wounds, and to boost us up.

That’s great and all, but how? How exactly can we use our spirituality to boost ourselves?  Well, I’ve compiled a list below. As usual, do what feels best for you and respect yourself and your limits. Also remember that there are hotlines that you can call if the depression gets too bad.

Ideas to combat Depression in the Pandemic:

• Host a spirit party! You can’t have living people over, but what about the dead? What about the spirits? They certainly can’t give or catch ‘the virus’, so have them over!
  • you can make this a solemn affair as in Samhain, if that suits you, but I personally suggest making it more of a party. Throw confetti around, bake a cake, have some alcohol if you drink, and have all your guiding spirits over and eat with them! Read aloud some jokes, fairytales, and do some spirit communication however you feel (tarot, rune castings, trance work, etc).
  • Pro Tip: don’t forget to thank and ‘dismiss’ when you start feeling tired. As any party, don’t exhaust yourself energetically. Respect your limits!
  • Extra Pro Tip: use napkins or disposable plates to serve, to make as little mess/clean up as possible!
• Do divination on a topic that’s not pandemic related. It could be on your garden’s future, your personal development, your psychic powers, what your talents are, and how grandma is doing on the other side. Just anything that’s not pandemic related. The point of this is to see/focus on all the life you still have, on all the projects that will continue beyond the reach of this pandemic.
• Host a dumb supper/silent grieving period for those dying from the pandemic. The point behind this is to express our collective grief due to the pandemic. It’s normal to be upset by what’s happening, and (I think) it’s healthy to express it. This will not only give you a period within which to mourn, but it will also signal an ‘end’ to the mourning, at least for that day.
  • You can make this a daily ritual, depending on how much grief you feel. Say that every day you check the death tolls then find yourself crying. Then, instead of beating yourself up for being upset, make it part of a mourning ritual where you give yourself permission and space and a set amount of time to feel your grief. Then, when the time is over, try your best to move on and change your mind.
  • If you choose a dumb supper, you can lay out plates for the dead of specific regions, or do a specific region per day. Say, you grieve for Italy one day, Iran another, etc.
  • If you don’t have a lot of energy or want something simpler, you can simply burn a candle with the intention that it will guide the dead peacefully along their way to the otherworld.  an example of what one might say is, as lighting the candle “I light this candle, consecrating it to shine its light for those deceased of the COVID-19 pandemic. As this candle burns, a gate between the worlds is open, taking in all the wandering dead due to the pandemic and guiding them home by the light of this candle.”
  • You could also recite prayers for these dead, asking your presiding spirits/ whoever you feel like to take care of the spirits of the deceased due to the pandemic.
    • An example of such a prayer is “I pray to Anubis, Lord of the Dead. Please take those who have died of the plague in your arms. Be gentle with them. Ease their griefs and suffering and that of their loved ones. Weight their hearts gently and ease their passing into the other worlds.”
• Pray to a solar deity to bring light into your life and banish depression. A prayer of this sort could go like: “I pray to Ra, Great God of the Sun. Please shine your light within my mind, within my heart and soul. Chase away the darkness of depression from my mind, heart and soul. Purify and invigorate me!”
  • Pro Tip: leave an offering to your preferred solar deity and engage in not only prayer, but also a deepening of your relationship with them. It can be as simple as putting up a sun picture, or baking them a cake and eating it with them. Just engage with them, and you will probably feel them in your life more!
• Do exercise! Now, exercise is great for boosting the mind, but why not use that energy you’re creating to spread happiness in your home? A way to do this would be to visualize a rune such as Wunjo and imagine it radiating out from you as you exercise, spreading its energy out from you.
• Cleanse and consecrate/charge your crystals to boost your mood. Simply laying them for a few hours in the sunlight, on a piece of paper on which you wrote ‘banish depression!’, can do the trick.
• Obviously, you can burn invigorating incenses (like cinnamon!) or boil potpourri.
• Ring bells to cleanse the air as well.
• Do magical crafts! Ideas include:
  • Overhaul your altar!
  • Sew yourself a ritual robe, or embellish one you already have!
  • Practice a psychic skill.
  • Practice your basic ritual structure, such as circle casting, invoking, evoking, etc.
  • Write in your grimoire or BOS

Then, we have some basic pointers that are less spiritual

• Let in sunlight
• Call friends/relatives
• Read books (especially books on spirituality!)
• Paint/do crafts
• Listen to uplifting music!

 

I hope this was helpful! Please take care of yourself and yours and have a great day! Lots of love to you all! ❤

Photo by Elly Fairytale on Pexels.com

Step 2 – Describe your Worldview in regards to Mental Illness

As a pagan, I can only speak for myself and my own world-view and philosophy. I hope you can draw some things from it to inform your own worldview. So I’m going to tell you what goes through my mind now, when I wonder whether I have a ‘problem’.

I think the first thing to do, before even wondering whether we have a ‘problem’, is to look at how we perceive mental health ‘problems’. Do we even acknowledge that they exist? Do we see them as ‘those people’? Chances are, if you’re not willing to acknowledge that mental illness is a thing and that it’s perfectly normal, you won’t want to see it in yourself.

First and foremost, what is a mental illness? I view mental illness as a chemical imbalance in the brain that causes us problems. That’s it. Why those chemicals are imbalanced can be due to traumatic events, genetics, stress, or whathaveyou.

Now, in my opinion there’s nothing wrong with mental illness in a moral sense. I don’t see it carrying bad ‘vibes’ to it. I don’t see it as a source or symptom of moral ‘sin’ or impurity. To me, it’s a condition like a broken leg, except in the brain tissue. It’s a health care issue like any other. It isn’t a sign of not being ‘close enough to nature’ or ‘zen’ enough. To me, mental illness isn’t an aberration from nature. It’s very natural, just as much as a broken leg and rot and mold are all part of nature. Sickness is part of nature -> but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try and heal it.

I don’t view medication as morally ‘bad’ or aberrations from nature. I view them as being the domain of the gods of healing and science, put simply.  I don’t see a ‘big, evil’ in western medicine when Done Properly. I don’t think that one ‘should’ avoid psychiatric medication, as if it is some sort of ‘sin’ to take it. I think that western medicine, when ‘Done Properly’ in a holistic blend with therapy, psychologists, etc, is very helpful.

So. Now that you’ve read my (very short and concentrated) view on mental illness, I suggest you write out your own. Take a piece of paper or a digital document, and write down

1. what is a mental illness?
2. What causes it?
3. what are its implications in a spiritual/magical sense?
4. How, morally or magically, ‘should’ one try and heal a mental illness? What if that doesn’t work? What then?

You might feel compelled to argue with me, to copy me, or to write something drastically different. But the point here is for you to write what you sincerely believe in. Do you really think that psychiatric medication is a ‘sin’? Good to know. Write that down. It’s going to inform your future choices, so be aware of it.

Now, now that you know what you believe, the next step is to decide if you, according to yourself and only you, have a mental health problem. But that’s the next blog post. For now, pat yourself on the back. You’ve taken time to get to know yourself better, and that’s worth every moment you spent on it.

Mental Illness and Writing – Again?!

One thing that I think is peculiar to me and my kind of weirdness (please feel free to prove me wrong! I’d like to not be the only one, haha) is my relationship with music and writing.

Now, I’ve already mentioned that I get inspiration/messages from my dreams. Well, a similar thing happens with music. I will get a song stuck in my head as a sort of ‘message’. No, it’s not the same thing as just having a song stuck in your head. This kind of ‘stuck in your head’ is obsessive. It carries meaning and weight to it.

Inevitably, or at least quite often, this gets mixed in with my writing process. For example, yesterday I had inspiration for a new story (Yeah!). Today, for the third time, I went to try and begin writing that story. And for the third time, it’s flopping. I want it so bad but no words are coming. One could say it’s not ‘manifesting’.

Here is the picture I drew today of the future characters!

And yet – I was able to draw the characters, with a certain song playing (and only this song) – The Bells of Notre Dame. As I listened to this song on repeat, I felt like the song was talking to me. I felt like it had a message for me, if only I could grasp it.

But did I grasp it? Not quite, not yet. I feel like I’ve gotten hints but not the whole picture. Maybe more will come when I sit down to write yet again. Definitely, I will be drawing inspiration for it and trying to use it to set the tone/theme of the story. But further than that, it’s hard to put into words what the music ‘teaches’ us in these moments. Certainly I can say some things like ‘focus on this character more than that one’ and ‘there’s probably lots of doom and gloom’ – but how do you explain getting that out of a song? I can’t. I like to just stick the song in a playlist that I’ve made for my writing, and just let the magic happen. I tell myself it’s maybe a sign from the gods. On the worst of days I tell myself it’s nothing.

But it is something. And I wish I knew what. I wish I knew whether this was a symptom of paranoia or a hallucination, or whether it was a sign from the gods.

Because, the thing that’s miserable in all this, is that music used to really be a source of hallucination for me. It used to speak to me, drive me into ecstatic states, and always felt like it was on the verge of being a language in my head. So is this just a leftover from those experiences? I hope not.

If anyone has similar experiences, I’d love to hear them, really.

 

Manifesting Abundance

What a load of bullcrap. I have a deep-seated loathing towards ‘manifestation maniacs’, inspired by my own struggle with my daily thoughts. But, as the craze of ‘The Secret’ came and went, I started to cool off my anger and recently, I thought, hey, it’s ok. Just chill, you know?

And then!

When I wasn’t well lately, I called a local pastor simply to have someone to talk to about my problems. Well, did I get that tea! Literally, he took the opportunity and preached at me for about half an hour to nearly an hour. It was exhausting, victim-blaming, but what stuck with me was his notion that once I converted to Christianity all my problems would vanish and I would live ‘in abundance’. In short, I would have so much money and worldly comforts and my life would be easy peasy because God loves us and wants our lives to be nice.

Well, uh. Uhm. Have you noticed all the starving pious Christians world-wide? Like, if this was a matter of faith, I’m sure lots more Christians would be better off.

But here’s a thing. I despise how this ‘manifestation’ stuff so closely resembles this pastor’s bullcrap. It shifts the focus of spirituality onto physical wealth, under the guise of ‘abundance’. It frames physical wealth as a reward for spiritual success, blaming the poor for not being ‘spiritual enough’.

This ‘abundance’ stuff is basically just a wish to get wealthy. And people sell it, preying off of poor unsuspecting people who don’t realize that their focus is being shifted. Yes, to a degree, we can make our own worlds. We can control our minds. But why don’t we wish for good spiritual qualities, manifesting ourselves as kind, gentle, and peaceful instead of simply… wealthy?

I leave you with a post on the topic that inspired me to write this: HERE

 

Don’t Blame the Whistleblower

Now I don’t want to name any fucking names or point any fingers but let me lay some shit out here for people to understand.

It is not the fault of the whistleblower that the shit happened.

It is not a dynamics of abuse and power-over when a healthy person points out a disabled person’s need for help.

It also is absolutely NOT normal to be unable to shower. CAN NOT shower is not equal to your desire to NOT WANT to shower. Capiche?

Normal exists. Functional exists. Being abnormal and dysfunctional is not criminal, but can be a sign of a need for help. Telling someone who is non-functional ‘well what is normal anyways?’ is a big kick in the metaphorical teeth.

You want to break down everything I’m ranting about? Let’s do that because I’m pissed enough to blow my energy on this.

It is not the fault of the whistleblower that the shit happened.

Let’s start with this one. It is not the fault of the whistleblower that the shit happened. Alright, let’s apply this in a mental illness context. Let’s just fuckin’ suppose that there’s someone out there who blows the whistle on someone’s mental health. In my case, my wife. She up and decided that I needed help because hey! It’s not normal to start crying when a fan blows on you. She realized I was in a state of crisis and blew the whistle. And what the fuck has happened since then? She’s been blamed for being the cause of my mental illness when all she’s done is trying to help. Because, point two!

It is not a dynamics of abuse and power-over when a healthy person points out a disabled person’s need for help.

Consider this: my wife constantly and tirelessly advocates for my needs and accommodations. She helps me set and respect my limits as well as try and make others respect them. But what do people think? That’s she’s trying to be an abusive person and gain power-over me in an abusive way. Now abusive relationships are no joke, but I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that the average abuser doesn’t combat daily to give resources to their abused partner. They won’t encourage them to visit with doctors, social workers, therapists, psychiatrists, and psychologists who, by the fuckin’ way, agree that this person needs help.

It also is absolutely NOT normal to be unable to shower. CAN NOT shower is not equal to your desire to NOT WANT to shower.

To paraphrase a doctor who gave me a stern speech, showering is the friggin’ basics. It’s called basic functioning. Being able to shower daily and do a normal care routine is the basics of functioning. Here’s a pro tip: if someone says they are struggling to cope with a daily shower routine, it means they’re on the very low end of functional. It does not mean they don’t WANT to shower, it means they mentally CAN’T. Not the same fucking thing, unless you fail at basic grammar and language. And if you try and downplay not being able to shower and basic self-care, I want to kick you. Just, so much.

Because here’s a thing. Normal exists. It’s a concept. Functional exists. It’s also a concept. And while we’re in concept-land, being a jerk also exists. It’s what I’m going to call you if you down-play someone’s difficulty at functioning. It’s what I’m going to call you if you try to philosophize away their need for help. Because really, that’s what this is all about.

Now, I know that I talk really big on my little blog soap-box. I know that in real person I’m rather timid and trying to practice having a voice and defending myself. So on behalf of all the other socially anxious people out there, just shut the fuck up and listen.

It’s not about you and your philosophical concepts of ‘normal’. It’s about mental illness existing in a concrete way, and requiring concrete help. And if you never shut up and listen, we won’t be able to communicate with you because it’s a two way street. For communication to happen, you have to actually listen.

Because I’ve been talking, and talking, and talking, to some people now for eight years and they still don’t accept that I’m disabled. They still refuse to accept that I have a real illness, despite all my diagnoses.  They blame my spouse. They blame me. They think it’s all made up.

I’m sick of it.  And you know what? I should do something about it. So tomorrow I’m going to talk with social workers at the local mental health clinic to come up with strategies to deal with these people in my life because out of self respect, I can’t let this keep happening.

And now I’m off to write fanfiction to blow some steam. Blessed be peoples. Take care.

Beauty Hurts When You’re Depressed

I sit here, blaring LOZ (Legend of Zelda, for all you non-geeks out there) music on my headphones. It’s beautiful music, but it’s making me depressed. Why? Because I am depressed, and the more I listen to beautiful music, the more I feel like my novels will never be as epic and music-worthy as others have been.

And that’s my point for this blog post. Depression doesn’t go away by just showering yourself with pretty things. Yesterday, I had a cute puppy around my ankles, desperately trying to get me to cheer up. I still put my head down and curled into a little ball. Why? Beauty hurts when you’re depressed.

Louder again for the people in the back!

BEAUTY HURTS WHEN YOU’RE DEPRESSED!

It is such a stark contrast with the pain and suffering we feel that, really, it just makes it all the worse. The best, the most wondrous, the most gorgeous, it all just hurts. It just makes me, anyways, feel my pain all the more.

So if you know someone who is depressed, don’t show them pretty things and expect it to help. It might just make it worse.

So there you have it, a little glimpse into the strangely painful yet wound-less world of depression.

 

Mental Illness, Medication, and Writing

I strike again! Here I am, about to tell you (once again) about something I may have previously mentioned (in fact I’m quite sure I did), but that I’m going to rehash.

One of the reasons I refused to take psychiatric medication was because I thought it would interfere with my writing, with my ‘intuitive’ channeling of these novels that I was receiving from another realm. Remember, I thought this was sacred, special, and that medication, by muddling with my brain, would interfere with my ‘channelling’.

I’m glad to say that the exact opposite has happened. In fact, it’s almost become a pain in the ass. You see, once I became stable on medication, it’s like my ‘radar’ cleared up. The static in my brain was gone/lessened dramatically, and now I could think and perceive things way more clearly.

In fact, I believe I began receiving messages in my dreams unlike never before. I would dream of deities showing me things, executing vengeance for me, etc. And the story ideas! They come so often to me in dreams now that it’s actually annoying, haha. I get story ideas faster than I can finish the novels! Which, uh, really isn’t saying much because I’m slow at finishing novels but eh. The point is, thanks to being mentally stable due to medication and lots of therapy, I now have more story ideas than I ever had before. In fact, now I can ask a question about a novel, sleep on it, and chances are I might have gotten the answer in a dream.

Y’all, my dreams are off the charts as far as psychic mojo goes. I receive so many messages via dreams now, so clearly and so well!

And that’s it, y’all. That’s all I have to say for today. Take care!

Farfadel

Farfa-What? Farfadel, ladies and gentlemen. It is a land of wondrous beauty, a land of happiness and joy. It is a place that, in the depths of my own despair, I concocted up.

Yep, a few years ago I was in the worst stretch of my mental health. Determined to keep writing, I concocted Farfadel. A happy, fearless, and harmless world where nothing bad happens and shenanigans abound. It was meant to be readable for all, a gentle balm for those suffering from anxiety and depression, for I was at the point that I couldn’t read anymore because the anxiety was so bad.

So what about it? Well, like so many good creative things, it has become an addiction of sorts. One novel spawned another, and another, and another. Two are finished, and many, many, more unfinished. I love writing Farfadel, I love the harmlessness of it, the joy and freedom for silliness.

But what does this have to do with you? Well, dear readers, I need your input. You see, I lose motivation swiftly. I feel like none of this matters to anyone but myself. So I would love if you would read some of my stories and share your thoughts with me. I will share as much as I can for FREEEEE (I love free stuff), and will sell others. For the moment though, I would really just love input and feedback. What do you like? What made you laugh? Did I misspell something? Share with me!

For now, the novel will be published on this website, under the heading ‘Of Adelaide and Shadow (A Tentative Title)’, or you can follow this link HERE to find it.