“My Name is Chaos”: Chapter Seven, Part One

Not to be a pain buuuut – I’m really loving this story now! It’s super interesting to me, and I just want to keep writing it and writing! I’m so excited to explore Bella and what she’s up to! I’d love to hear some feedback on her, and especially what happens in the chapel here. Let me know what y’all think! I hope you’re having a nice day 🙂

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Speaking of cold, it was cold. Very cold. Icy cold. Freeze-in-your-nostrils kind of cold. Mist up and freeze on your face cold. And there Bella was, wearing a bomber jacket styled winter coat, jeans (with zippers and chains on the side!) and a black wool hat. She had a large smile on, as if she just couldn’t get enough of this white crap everywhere as we walked down the road. Ugh. Also, she was wearing an eye patch to cover her red eye. I was wondering why she was wearing the stupid eye patch when she began talking.

“Your friend Mark tried to run away last night,” she said so happily that I almost didn’t understand the meaning of her words.

“He what?”

She turned that simple smile to me. It looked so pure. It felt pure, like she didn’t have a bone of malice in her body. “Oh, he’s been restrained so he won’t hurt himself,” she said sweetly. “Don’t worry.”

“Hurt himself?” I echoed, almost stopping in my tracks. What was that evil-person code for? Were they torturing him?

“Oh, he was very distraught,” she said before heaving a sigh. “It’s unfortunate.”

“What’s unfortunate? What have you done with him?” I tried to run up before her but she held out an arm, winding me in the face as I tried to pass here. I doubled over, clutching at my poor nose. There were snorts of derision from the troupe of vampires around us. When I looked up, Bella had come to a stop next to some funny looking machines that were parked where the road was supposed to be. Were they motorcycles? Except they had skis on them…

“Skidoos,” she said as if reading my mind. “I guess they don’t have them in hell, do they?” and she plucked a helmet from one and handed it to me. “Watch your nose.”

I took the helmet from her, glaring barbs her way. I had half a mind to just unleash my powers and beat her to a pulp. But then I’d have to fight all her dumb minions and find the portal on my own. Hopefully this way she would lead me straight to it.

“Now you can ride with Mcfarlan,” she said, gesturing to the beefcake-in-charge from yesterday, who was popping his little head into his own helmet.

Grimly, I stalked over to him. He climbed onto the skidoo behind her majesty’s, and I followed suit. Disgusted, I took hold of the back of Mcwhatever’s jacket and hoped not to fall off. I’d been allowed to ride a motorcycle in hell, but it had been tricked so as not to bust speed limits. Like, you now you’re in hell when there’s speed limits on everything. Betcha there’s none of those in heaven.

We took off. Zooming through the city at daytime (without white crap in your face) was a totally different experience. The houses were bright and quaint around here, quickly giving way to shops and malls – and not a single car.

Well, there was over a foot of snow everywhere. Where would the cars go?

Instead there was other skidoos here and there, quickly switching to drive next to us, but always behind Bella. Pretty soon, I looked around and we were leading a whole flock of skidoos. The sound was such a racket. I wondered what the hell was going on. Was I about to be mobbed to death? A public execution of sorts? Was I breakfast for the starving hordes?

We drove up to a chapel. There Bella skidded to a halt, and the entire horde followed suit. I gawked at the number of vampires present. If it was a buffet, there certainly wasn’t enough blood in me to fill up everyone.

No, if this was her legions, then hell was empty of vampires right now. Because seriously, vampires have always been a protected species (don’t laugh) but there was so many right here.

The massive chapel was bursting full of them. They shrieked and squealed with joy as Bella came in, parting for her like the proverbial Red Sea, if the Red sea had still desperately wanted to touch Moses.

Arms were waving towards her. Babies were held out. The air was frenzied, frantic. The crowd closed right after her, blocking us from following her. Mcsomethingorother grabbed me by the shoulders and held me against him to keep me from getting torn from him by the crowd’s movement.

And that’s when it struck me. This was no army. There was no discipline, no ranks. Everyone was wearing civilian clothes and – I looked around at the screaming mouths to be sure. These were humans. We were actually a tiny patch of vampires, in a swathe of humans.

“Friends,” coeed Bella from the spot where the priest was supposed to be. The crowd silenced instantly. You could have heard a pin drop.

Faintly, someone began sobbing. Bella smiled sweetly in that direction. She had her hands on the book reading thing, and was poised to give a speech. I didn’t want to admit it, but I was really curious what she was going to say. Talk about herself as the savior of humanity or what? Vampires came in peace?

Bella began to speak. At first I thought I couldn’t hear her because she was mumbling. But then I realized there really was no sound coming from her mouth. Except I felt it inside. A strange feeling of peace invaded me. Words that made no sense began popping into my head, from some sort of angelic language. Enochian?

The crowd began to sway. I felt dizzy. The big hands on my shoulders held me steady as around us the world began to careen. The words began to hammer through me and I felt that feeling of peace intensify. Bella was walking forward towards the pews, moving her hands as if directing a chorus. The words pulsed through me and I knew I shouldn’t know them, but they took on meaning for me.

What meaning? I couldn’t put it into words. My body was numb and I was swaying back and forth with the crowd. The air pulsed around us. My eyes felt heavy and the light hurt.

The silent words began coming faster, rhythmically more and more intense. The meaning was overwhelming. It was something about peace and peace, but in such a way that… I don’t know.

Faintly, I heard sobs from the other side of the chapel. Nothing in me was disturbed. Iu knew they weren’t in danger, that nothing was in danger in this peace.

And then I cracked open. There was no other way to explain it.

It was if all of a sudden I’d broken beyond the limits of my body, of my own soul. I was no longer just me, a soul amongst so many. I could feel them, touch them. Ecstacy shone through me like a white light that radiated from within and I felt oneness with everything, everyone in this place. I could feel the energy on a different, more pure level than before. I was powerful enough to control the universe. I was beyond my own limits of existence. I could, I could –

I must have passed out. Because the last thing I remember was that pure, unbridled ecstacy. Then the next thing I knew, a voice was calling me.

“Chaos, Chaos,” a sweet voice was saying.

I felt my body being shaken, but it didn’t seem to fit me anymore. It felt foreign, like a dirty old sock you had to put on.

“Chaos,” and I recognized it as Bella. Bella! My heart thudded at the thought of her. Curiosity is what I told myself it was. In fact it was love. Adoration. Something in me craved her, because she was ecstacy.

I forced my eyes open, coming into my body and fitting into it dingily. Before me, Bella was grinning. She was patting my cheeks. At the sight of her, my soul flipped. Bella! My hand reached out and snatched at her, a strangled cry in my throat.

“Shhh,” she caught my hand and pressed it to her shoulder. My breath came ragged as emotions flooded me like a chemical rush. I knew that if only she willed it, I’d be back in that state-

“It’s alright. Stay with me,” she was saying gently and my mind had no choice but to focus on her words. I wanted them so bad. “You went under deep, didn’t you?”

I released a ragged breath. Somewhere, alarm bells were ringing in my head, but I had no idea what was happening. I’d never heard of anything like this. All there was was this feeling, and Bella. She who was taking my hand in both of hers now and squeezing it tightly while giving me such a comforting smile. “You’re okay,” she said in that sweet tone.

I gulped air. My body didn’t want to stay like this. I was like an addict needing another rush, craving it. But as Bella squeezed my hand and I looked into her blue blue eye, the burning need began to subside.

“There,” she said. “there you go. Come on, sit up.”

I was lying on a church pew. There were a few stragglign humans here and there, but the church was now fairly empty. The big beefy dude was standing beside me, glowering down smugly.

Gingerly, I managed to sit up. I wanted to barf. I was sweaty, clammy. Bella crouched before me, grinning wildly now. “So?” she asked eagerly, like we were sharing a secret. “Are we that bad?”

I took another look around. I told myself to take my hand from hers, but couldn’t. I liked her touch. I swallowed, my mouth now dry. “What happened?”

Bella patted my hand. “Secret!” And she drew up to a standing position. “Come on.”

Recognizing the “Crazy” and the Wiccan Rede

Maybe I’m going out on a limb here. It’s not my intention to attack anyone’s faith. It’s not my goal in life, my mojo, or anything that makes me tick. And yet when I see someone who is obviously mentally deranged (from my perspective) and ALSO a prominent member of the neo-pagan community… I get worried (and furious). Why?

Because this person needs help and is not getting it.

Because this person, ignorant and refusing to acknowledge that they have a problem, is probably persecuting others with the belief that mental illness is not real.

But most of all- it irks me that this person has followers from a group of people (neo-pagans) who (in my experience) are either unwilling to admit the mentally ill into their groups or who believe that mental illness doesn’t exist.

What’s so wrong with this? It shows me that no one can fucking recognize the signs and symptoms of mental illness a mile away, and that we as a group do not have the tools with which to recognize or dismantle/collectively deal with a person’s psychosis.

This person (who I shall not name, quote, or refer to in any way for the sake of not starting a war with their minions/denizens) is clearly deluded, in my opinion. Their ‘channelings’ read like rambling hoaxes. Their ‘facts’ are pure and utter bullshit. And yet- my beloved spouse is too afraid of the community backlash to oust this person’s blatant lies on Facebook.

Peoples- WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

As someone who actively hallucinates aliens- (Well, this is me jumping out of that closet) – I feel I have a special role when it comes to someone who claims to ‘channel’ aliens. And here’s me getting started on a late-night, frustration-fuelled rant. Let us begin with a list of ‘how to tell someone is deluded’ without having to have experienced delusion yourself. Because as someone who’s been there (in my own way) I feel like we develop extra sensors/magical tentacle feely things to sense that someone else is in ‘that zone’. But how would we, as a group, actually recognize this?

Here is (drumroll, please) UnHinged and UnEnlightened’s radar list (cue the firecrackers)

1. They seem to be on some YUGE megalodramatic us VS them cosmic battle trip. Alright, here’s another secret. I’ve been there. I felt like I was trapped in some great supernatural battle. But guess what? The antipsychotics made that stop. And it was a great relief. So what does this look like from the outside? Someone who is stuck in a Christ-like cosmic battle. Someone who is so magnetically propulsed into the cosmic workings that they don’t seem in tune with the day to day mundane realities. They see the apocalypse coming, they see the coming era of godhood incarnate for all of us. They see- something so ultramagical and amazing!!!
2. Their facts don’t fact check. Now there’s one thing not being educated in the latest academic facts (which, granted, can change pretty fast). But there’s another thing to considering yourself above the facts. That person becomes the source of ze greatest knowledge!!! and they can’t be questioned.
3. In fact (as in the case of the leader I came across) they demonize anyone who contradicts them- and this is a big sign of a bad leader, by the way. Demonizing can be an extension of the melodramatic us vs them (point 1) and also piles up into point 2. In the case of the leader I am currently enraged against- anyone who questioned her liturgy was seen as being a force of evil and darkness. Literally. Wow, that’s a major sign of a cult leader too, BTW.
4. But ultimately, someone who is so convinced and stuck in their symptoms won’t be able to see outside of them (unfortunately). They are as real to them as everyone else’s respective realities are to them. And so, these people will stick to their delusions like fact. Which, oddly enough, is not the case for normal spirituality, in my experience. I’ve questioned my spirituality and the existence of my loving spirits. I never questioned the reality of my hallucinations. Except the aliens. But that was damned hard. And I still was not sure if I didn’t believe it.
5. Their thoughts are not coherent. In my experience, a good trance/psychic channeling experience can be cohesive. It can make sense and have a point. And yes, the gods may speak in riddles and rhymes but- there’s a difference between sacred poetry (or generally being amused by watching your worshippers run in circles trying to understand your teachings) and disorganized thoughts. And here, I’m not talking about the obvious rhyming or alliteration that some schizophrenic episodes may induce, or echolalia. I’m talking about the train of thought that never gets anywhere, that says nothing, and that is not cognitively making sense, or that just doesn’t feel right. As I have said in another blog post, spirituality should not make you less cohesive or sensical. For me, my spirituality enhanced my senses and made me more logical. I could write better. Not write myself into circles. But when I have an episode of un-wellness coming on, my writing skills ditch. My cognitive abilities flies out the window and with it the ability to write anything that made sense or had a goal. So if they can’t make their teachings make sense: maybe something’s wrong.
6. Oh, and speaking of cult leaders (been part of one [ish] so haha, guess what? More points!) Be careful you peoples! For all the ‘beware of cults and this is what a cult leader looks like’ that I have seen on Wiccan and neo-pagan website, Y’ALL- an us vs them mentality is intrinsic to a cult. And this is what I have seen A LOT of on neo-pagan groups. Anyone who questions them is immediately demonized. Shoved aside. Negated. Y’all- this is dangerous. This is bad. This needs to stop. We need to grow up, be mature, and learn to have adult discussions and keep an open mind. And this is my point of what makes an ‘adult’ discussion (and what makes good academic discussions) → being able to distinguish from hard academic fact from UPG (unverifiable personal gnosis). Because ultimately, personal gnosis is unverifiable (like the name says). So please, please, distinguish the two. Have discussions. Be respectful. Don’t close your shutters and sink into these us vs them mentalities. It’s very, very, dangerous.

And while speaking of danger, and since my theme is supposed to be about the Wiccan Rede lately- what about any of this causes harm?

• Not pointing someone out as delusional causes harm. How? Because you leave that person in their state of delusion. Yes, some do not want medication. Some simply do not know they are having a problem and if we always ‘accept them’ without gently pointing out that there may be a problem –they may never know. I often wish someone had been able to gently take me aside and let me know that I was rambling, and that I was showing signs. It might have saved me years of suffering. But then again- I would have had to be ready to face the stigma of mental illness. Which leads to our next point of harm.
• As a group that stigmatizes or wishes away mental illness- to not know the signs or be able to recognize it is ludicrous. This shows that when you say ‘no crazies in our group’ that you are enforcing harmful stereotypes upon those with mental illness without any idea what you are talking about. Shame upon you. Shame for spreading stigma. Shame for pretending that mental illness doesn’t exist. Shame for pushing away those who need help.
• Finally- by leaving these people unconfronted, by sharing false ideas of mental illness, these delusional people are left to spread harmful messages. Why am I saying this? Am I debasing people with mental illness? No, I am not. I am facing the fact that people with mental illness are just that- people. They are not saints. They are not ‘enlightened’ or ‘god-like’ or ‘divine’ in their illness. They are people who are deluded and these delusions may not be all that pretty. Having been there, and having heard the stories of others, I know that (though it may honestly not be the intent of the ill person) these people may cause harm. I’ve almost caused serious harm to both strangers, loved ones, and myself due to my delusions. Hence, for the sake of all involved, we need to find ways to cope with these delusions and gently reroute them. Or at the very least, we need to confront them and encourage them to get help and get treated.

So that’s it lovelies. I’m sorry if this was rambling, but it really got under my skin and I just had to let it out. I’ll try and refrain from blasting from my soapbox, but this really is something that I care about. Did I succeed? Does this help? Do you know a leader like this? Am I the only one who’s noticed this within the community? Do let me know. Peace and Light, everyone. Blessed Be.