Depression and Writing

Depression is hitting me hard. I think it’s my symptom/condition that I have the hardest time accepting. It’s not glamorous, it’s never fun and never makes you feel special. It always makes me feel like I’m worthless and useless. As an author, this preys on my natural beliefs.

You see, I tend to see myself as a vessel for my stories. But combined with my depression, I feel like nothing BUT a vessel. I feel like I’m nothing without them.

The sad truth is that writing is my whole life. It’s me. It’s been my refuge since childhood, where it suddenly filled a void within me that hurt so badly until then. Ever since I started writing, my days rotate around it. As a kid, I would squeeze it in whenever, would draw my characters everywhere, and obsessed over them.

Now, I wake up thinking of my novels. I spend my mornings wondering what I’ll do until I get the chance to write. My whole day is just spent waiting until the right time to write. I know I dont have the mental energy to write all day, but I wish I could. Already I love writing 5 hours a day, and feel bad if I “waste” even one of those hours not hammering out words.

I know this isn’t healthy, but it is what it is. My writing is my life. The only other thing more important is my wife and my relatives. Literally, unless it’s a basic need, everything else feels secondary. I dont want to travel, I dont want a career, I just want to be good at writing and do my stories justice. I want to accomplish what this drive in me is calling for.

But when depression hits, as it does now, I cant write. Every word hurts, I cant think, and then everything that makes me ‘me’ seems to crumble away. What use am I if I cant write? Not being able to write for even one day is a terrible blow. What if my stories are terribly written? What good am I if i can’t get my stories out there properly, to those who need to read them? I know it sounds dramatic, but not being able to write feels like a poisonous sin that will destroy me.

I know, in some way, that my belief of me being just a vessel for writing is bad for me. I need to see myself as more. But how do I do that? It’s like seeing yourself beyond an addiction, in some way.

And then, what’s wrong with this view, if it gives me purpose and value, even in some small way? I know I should see myself as more, but what if I dont feel like more? I feel like so much in my life just points towards writing, and like it’s the cornerstone of my life. Where would I be without it?

I know, in some factual way, that I am a person without my writing. I’ve experienced that, by having my spiritual projects. But… I just feel like more with my writing. I feel this compulsion and a sense of destiny and being attuned with the universe when it comes to writing. Is that a symptom of a delusion? I dont know what to think some days.

I guess I cant hope to find other people who feel this way. I’ve hoped, and as of yet haven’t found other writers who seem to have this weird perspective and obsession and maybe even delusion with their writing. And yet I hope. I feel lonely, a lot, so isolated with my writing. It’s not the only way I connect with people, but unless someone dips into this part of me, do they know me at all? Will I ever find that I am not alone in this weird feeling?

How to Write ~ Part 2

Writing! Oh, that mystical thing! How do we do it? People say there’s nothing to it, that it’s not magical, and I beg to differ.

Here’s the thing. Writing is, in itself, a craft. Much like knitting, it takes technique, practice, and experimenting with different techniques for someone to become fluent in it. But then what happens? You want to express something, and you create art.

See, a craft is meaningless, but it’s a gateway for the birth of art, which is meaningful.

So, you can have the world’s greatest idea, but without honing your craft first, you’re never going to be able to express that idea.

Alright, cool, we all want to make art. How do we do it?

If you’ve read the previous post, you now have an ‘idea’, and a ‘feel’. These are your precious nuggets of how you’re going to actually ‘write’.

Pretty much like knitting, writing is deceptively simple. You write. Duh. You stick words on paper/computer file. Wow, so artistic, you think.

But it’s not that simple. Writing, in my opinion, uses both the creative and logical parts of the brain, because it uses the logical side to write words, but the creative side to choose these words (I’m not a doctor here, this is just my theory okay?).

Now, here’s the thing. For me, there’s a ‘zone’ I get into when writing. It doesn’t feel like just sticking words on paper. Usually when I’m doing that, it turns out like crap. Stilted and blah. It isn’t art when I’m doing that. Why? I’d like to theorize that when I’m just sticking words onto paper, I’m not expressing the story, which is stored away in some spirit-bubble-dimension or what have you.

I like to think that good writing is like channeling a spirit, tapping into intuition. Something ‘clicks’ inside of you and the words flow. You get into the ‘feel’ and you intuitively choose the right words to create the art.

Alright, that’s all good and cool. We all want art, we all want ‘the magical flow’, so how do we get that?

Here’s another thing. It takes practice. Just like channeling (whether you believe in it or not), or even trance-work, you’re working on getting your brain to do a certain thing. Whether you’re taking an image/story bubble from within your mind or some spirit’s mind, you’re taking that story bubble/thoughtform and tapping into it, and then shooting it out your fingers onto the computer! Sort of. But you get the idea, don’t you?

One way I’ve found to express a story is to F&F. Forget the idea and Focus on the feel. Because unless you’re writing a textbook, the feel is what you’re immersing in. So, just for a moment, Forget about the ‘what’ and ‘how’. Forget all the technicalities and Focus on the ‘feel’. Think in images. Think in smells. Think (and here’s the real goal) in feelings. Express that feeling.

How the FUCK does one do that?

Well, let’s take get back to the apple and the knife cutting it. What ‘feeling’ does a knife give off, in this context? Is it destructive? Protective? A shield, a mental barrier, standing between an attacker and a defender? What color is it? What texture is it? Is it silver and glinting and sharply sparkling?

Sure, you can say that the knife is sharp and pointy. But if you transmit what it represents and the ‘feel’ of it in the story as a whole, you’re on to something.

Same goes for the apple, same goes for everything you write. Nothing in art is ever just an apple and a knife. It’s patriarchy versus matriarchy. It’s the industrial versus the farm. It’s steel against flesh. See where I’m going here? Everything can be so much more, and it’s this ‘so much more’ that you’re aiming for.

If you can do that, you’re well on your way to writing art.

Alright, so let’s talk concrete tips here.

Put music on that suits your theme. Are you writing rain and tragedy? Listen to rainy mood music. Put on incense that suits your intended ‘feel’. Heck, even get dressed up if it helps you. The point is: do anything that helps you get imitating that desired ‘feeling’. Once you’re in the mood imitating it, you can closer tap into the intended ‘feeling’.

Another tip that people say a lot is: write a lot. Write about anything and everything. Yeah, that’s great and all, but I’ve got another idea. Every day, try and write out your dreams.

Uh huh, not so easy, is it? Why? Because our dreams can sound silly and pointless, but when we were immersed in them, they carried so much ‘meaning’ and ‘feel’ to them. And that’s exactly what you’re wanting to get good at. If you can express the tragedy and terror of a nightmare, no matter the ridiculous premise of it, then you’re on to something.

Also, if you’re anything like me, you only half-remember your dreams. Writing these out and making them make sense is a great way to get used to tying ideas in together and ‘fill in the gaps’. This is also good memory practice, too.

Finally, dreams are connected to our intuition. I’m quite sure that writing out our dreams helps us tap into our subconscious or something like that. I think this could be mighty useful.

Now, I’m going to end these tips with one tip that I was told by a writing teacher, which I’ve honestly never tried but always thought was super cool: copy out another author’s work. Just that. Pick someone you want to write like, and copy out pages of their work.

If you struggle with getting a ‘feel’, this could be a way to gain one. The idea behind this is that you immerse into the ‘feel’ that the author created and, by copying it out, develop the mental pathways for those word choices. This will allow you to literally ‘think along those lines’ when trying to write your own works.

Ultimately, there is one final pointer I need to give you: -> Fuck It.

My best writing, my breakthroughs in tones, my great ideas, usually reveal themselves once I go ‘Fuck It!’ (with the exclamation mark) and just go with the flow and write whatever I want/feel for. It’s probably unorthodox, but I really stand by it. If you’re getting frustrated and feel like you’re reaching a breaking point, then just go ahead and break and see what happens next. Really, if art is what you’re aiming for, you’ve got to let the subconscious/mystical take over at some point.

How does one ‘Fuck It’? I don’t mean for anyone to get all violent and throw chairs at the walls. My ‘fuck it!’s are always quiet, internal affairs. I don’t lash out at anyone or start smoking or drinking or anything. In fact, – let it be known that I never write under influence of anything more than a light beer.

The art of ‘fuck it’ is really to just let go.  Let go of how you ‘think’ it should be, and just let it be it’s own thing. Really, that’s it. Stop thinking, and let the spirit move you. Let the story show itself to you instead of you creating it. Put your mind on the back burner and let the characters do their work.

It may sound like mystical mumbo jumbo, but that’s what works for me. I hope it works for you, too.

Thank you so much for reading my post! Do you feel like your writing is ‘channeling’/’tapping’ into something? Do you feel there is a mystical edge to the writing process? Let me know what you think!

As always, have a lovely day/evening. Much love to you all ❤

WHAT?! More posts?

Ah-ha-ha-ha! Fear and tremble and shake, minions! For I! Have! Made! A craft blog!

As if the world really needed another one, LOL.

But I have decided to make one, and so it has been done (TADA!). is the latest post!

It shall focus specifically upon Wiccan and pagan/neo-pagan/polytheist craft ideas. It should be very simple, funny, and easy to follow for the average person. 🙂

I’m hoping to see y’all on that blog as well! And if there’s anything you’d like to see done (within reason!), don’t forget to drop a comment!

Building Our Own Empire

Well, remember how the other day I was all ‘Fuck Youuu’ to the world and all about building our own empires a la Luciferian inspiration? Well! I received what felt like another punch in the gut the other day – and am using that momentum to turn around and keep going instead of falling on my butt and crying.

What happened? *gasp!*

Well, here’s the thing. I knit. I craft. I was hoping to use the funds from that to help donate money to Lightning’s service dog foundation, Chasam – Paws. And things were going good. A local store popped open that was more than willing to host my items, and all was well.

And then this weekend the lady returned ALL of them to me. ALL. Why? Well, I’m assuming my items were too pagan-ish for a gift shop, and she said she couldn’t sell my knitted items because of the few bits of fur in them. UGH. I live with a dog. Good luck keeping the tiniest amount of fur off anything.

So, what’s a good ol’ Luciferian to do? No, no, aside from screaming ‘fuck you’ to the world? Keep on going, that’s what!

So, Ladies and Gentlemen! I Present To You! My future Etsy shop! Ta Ta Dam!

Soon, hopefully this week, just in time for Yule, you will be able to shop from DarknessGifts (not yet opened) and buy some truly beautiful items such as prayer beads, beautiful pouches, meditation pillows (hand embroidered or not), decorative pillows (hand embroidered), tarot cloths and  altar cloths (all hand embroidered!). Furthermore, there will be knits whose funds will go 100% towards Chasam-Paws! Also, 100% of the fabric and wool is bought at local thrift stores (one of which supports a local women’s shelter) and charity events (refugee sponsorship sales, etc). Even some of the embroidery thread (not all) is recycled.

I feel like a walking eco- advertisement, haha. But I really do care about the environment, y’all, and I really do want to sell high-quality recycled and positive items.

Are you interested in seeing what I’m making? Got any requests/ideas for things  you’d like to see in the store? Drop a comment and let me know!

Where have I been?

I just checked today, and it has been over a week since my last post. What?! How did that happen? Well, as someone who wanted to stick to a strict posting of at least once a week in order to lay my thoughts ‘out there’ and iron out my ideas, I feel like I let myself down. And we all know what happens then… excuses! Haha, so here is me justifying my absence (though I really know I don’t have to, it’ll make me feel better).

So where have I been? Well, I have been crafting. I volunteered to help host a local bake sale at a local esoteric event and OMG – my anxiety shot through the roof. It was SO HARD in the days leading up to it. But I managed, and as they say, I emerged stronger. And more socialized. And, well, hopefully with just a little more people skills and a little less agoraphobia. We shall see.

Right after that, I had a change in my medication (approved by my doctor, yes yes!) and so… I’ve been flat on my back, baked out of my mind. Heh. I have to admit, it has been a cocktail of giggles one minute and depression the next.

The upside of all this, is that while I am still struggling I am overall far more functional than before I started my medication adventure. So despite not being all that well, I have still been able to craft. And, because I feel there isn’t enough Wiccan or polytheist crafts out there on the internet…

Behold my creations!

Upcycled sparkly bags with gold ribbon!

My latest Embroidery Project- A Future Altar Cloth!

A miniature card box for the miniature cards I rescued and hand-painted!

Have a good day everyone. Hopefully I will be able to get back to posting regularly soon. Love and light, and many blessings!

P.S. -> Happy IDAHOT day!!! [International day against homophobia and transphobia. Y’all, I try not to be political but I am a Canadian and check out what Trudeau has done! An LGBTQ+ advisor! It’s a first. I may not be very politically savvy, but as an LGBT person myself, I think that’s great.]