Depression and Cute Mushrooms

Depression sometimes feels like it gets the best of me.

It leaves me crying in the shower. It leaves me feeling like no one loves me, like I dont matter.

I’m not sharing this because I want attention. I just want you to know that sometimes a kind word can go so far. I want you to know that, despite it all, sometimes our spirituality, a belief, can give us something to hold on to.

For me, what helped today was my birdies. It’s a small thing, and may seem so pointless to so many. Very few seem to care about my birds. Im far from a ground breaking pagan author. Yet they matter to me. They help me see, in some way, happiness again.

Thats all that matters with art, really. The joy and happiness it brings us.

Im sharing this picture, hoping it can bring you some happiness too. May you always have a cute mushroom to sit under, dry and happy, from the rain.

Unhinged… The Vlog?

Hi everyone! I’m happy to announce that I’m hopefully going to be doing mental health videos.

It’s been a little bit that I’m wondering if I’ll get back into my mental health blogging, and I think I will. But I really want it to be a positive thing in my life, and to come from a positive space, not to be a grumpy rant. So, as YouTube videos have been a fun thing for me, I’m thinking of doing those, as well as some written blog posts.

I’m thinking of discussing technical aspects around mental illness and spirituality. I’m really hoping that these videos and posts can be educational and resourceful for people, especially those suffering from mental illness.

Hopefully I’ll have some guests who can come onto my blog and discuss some stuff with me, so if you have a mental illness/mental health issue and you want to talk about it within a spiritual context, let me know!

If you have topics you’d like to suggest, or things you’d like to see me talking about (not researching, I don’t feel like researching, just talking from a personal perspective), let me know!

Wishing you all a very lovely day, and hoping you’ll like these videos! ❤

Cptsd, Books, and Created Spirits

Today, I discovered something. Namely, that I do not particularly like living in other people’s worlds.

What do I mean? I mean reading. But not the usual kind of reading. I mean, there comes a point when the reading is too engrossing, that you start feeling the story live around you. I hope im not the only one to experience this, because it is unsettling. Even more unsettling is the fact I have no control over where the story or setting will go. So I try and read faster to rip off the bandage and get it over with. But that usually just engrossed me more, and I sink deeper into this world.

It almost feels like a mist around me, today. The feeling, the aura of this novel I’m reading. In an esoteric sense, I suppose one could say the created soul, the Grigori of the book has been summoned. But it bothers me.

It really, truly, bothers me because the only stories where I want to live and feel myself in and around me are ones I can control, at least to some degree. Where I can halt the pain. Where I can truly enjoy myself without too much fear. There is uncertainty in every writing or true artistic endeavor, I suppose. But I like to imagine that I, the author, am in control of the art.

But in the past few days I have sprained my wrist rather badly, and so have been reading others novels instead of immersing in my own. In fact, I’ve done more reading in the past 24 hours than I have in a month. It has been fun, but rather unsettling. I feel like if I push the envelope, I will be bridging two worlds, that one I live in and the one I am reading about.

Thinking of it in terms of a created spirit, a Grigori, makes sense to me now, but it is still unsettling. I sort of feel like the silver tongue in Inkheart, who could create things by reading them aloud (or so I recall of the story). Truly, I am sure, there are many spiritual ramifications to this, from the neopagan perspective as well as an authors perspective. But I dont want to go there too much.

I like reality, but I also enjoy my own fantasy worlds. Today, while being all cozy, I realized that I truly enjoy immersing in my fantasy worlds and half living in them. I say half living, because they are all I think and breathe for half a day, or a quarter. They fill my mind and obsess me. They bring this aura to me, this presence of joy. It makes me feel accompanied, loved, and surrounded by magic. But it saddens me to realize, as I did today, that the only tasks I am truly successful at are ones that involve sinking into these fantasy worlds. Tasks related to reality and observing it, like cleaning, I am terrible at.

Maybe I am looking too much into things, but maybe I am not. Cptsd makes me often want to escape, to run away, to forget. It has made me sensitive, I suppose, but also makes me… unreal at the same time. I feel, because of my memory loss, a disconnect from the past. Like it didn’t actually happen to me. At the same time I feel a void where my memories should be. In a sense, I feel forever young because I am not aging because I have so few memories and ties to reality.

Anyways, I am writing this purely because I wanted to share. If you are out there an have lived something similar, this bridging of worlds between books and reality, please let me know. I’d like not to be the only one. If you read this and find it curious, I’ll admit that it is! But please don’t just think “oh thats weird” and move on. Entertain me a little, and think on what ifs and ramifications with me. Discuss with me, I’d greatly enjoy it.

In any case, I wish you all the best. Have a lovely day 💗

Depression and Writing

Depression is hitting me hard. I think it’s my symptom/condition that I have the hardest time accepting. It’s not glamorous, it’s never fun and never makes you feel special. It always makes me feel like I’m worthless and useless. As an author, this preys on my natural beliefs.

You see, I tend to see myself as a vessel for my stories. But combined with my depression, I feel like nothing BUT a vessel. I feel like I’m nothing without them.

The sad truth is that writing is my whole life. It’s me. It’s been my refuge since childhood, where it suddenly filled a void within me that hurt so badly until then. Ever since I started writing, my days rotate around it. As a kid, I would squeeze it in whenever, would draw my characters everywhere, and obsessed over them.

Now, I wake up thinking of my novels. I spend my mornings wondering what I’ll do until I get the chance to write. My whole day is just spent waiting until the right time to write. I know I dont have the mental energy to write all day, but I wish I could. Already I love writing 5 hours a day, and feel bad if I “waste” even one of those hours not hammering out words.

I know this isn’t healthy, but it is what it is. My writing is my life. The only other thing more important is my wife and my relatives. Literally, unless it’s a basic need, everything else feels secondary. I dont want to travel, I dont want a career, I just want to be good at writing and do my stories justice. I want to accomplish what this drive in me is calling for.

But when depression hits, as it does now, I cant write. Every word hurts, I cant think, and then everything that makes me ‘me’ seems to crumble away. What use am I if I cant write? Not being able to write for even one day is a terrible blow. What if my stories are terribly written? What good am I if i can’t get my stories out there properly, to those who need to read them? I know it sounds dramatic, but not being able to write feels like a poisonous sin that will destroy me.

I know, in some way, that my belief of me being just a vessel for writing is bad for me. I need to see myself as more. But how do I do that? It’s like seeing yourself beyond an addiction, in some way.

And then, what’s wrong with this view, if it gives me purpose and value, even in some small way? I know I should see myself as more, but what if I dont feel like more? I feel like so much in my life just points towards writing, and like it’s the cornerstone of my life. Where would I be without it?

I know, in some factual way, that I am a person without my writing. I’ve experienced that, by having my spiritual projects. But… I just feel like more with my writing. I feel this compulsion and a sense of destiny and being attuned with the universe when it comes to writing. Is that a symptom of a delusion? I dont know what to think some days.

I guess I cant hope to find other people who feel this way. I’ve hoped, and as of yet haven’t found other writers who seem to have this weird perspective and obsession and maybe even delusion with their writing. And yet I hope. I feel lonely, a lot, so isolated with my writing. It’s not the only way I connect with people, but unless someone dips into this part of me, do they know me at all? Will I ever find that I am not alone in this weird feeling?

Step 8 ~ SMART Goal that sh*t

So now you’re at step 8. You’ve done your research, dedicated yourself to your path of healing. I.e., you know what to do and you’ve made a vow to actually do it. You’ve laid the groundwork, and now is the time for one final plotting step before action.

My advice is not to do a giant jump. Just take one small thing. My social worker always tells me to break it down into small steps, and start with the smallest step possible and work it up from there.

I suggest beginning on a new or full moon and re-evaluating ourselves on the full or new moon, as is done in Buddhist monasteries in a practice known as ‘sojong’ where they constantly evaluate their progress. This creates a two-week cycle of practice and reevaluation.

Here’s an example. You have a hard time showering, shaving, and getting out of bed at a certain time daily. Break it down. These are actually three different challenges, and you’re going to want to fixate upon them one at a time, from easiest to hardest. So say, showering daily will be easiest for you. You pick that one to tackle first. What’s the smallest step you can do towards showering daily? Maybe it’s just getting into the shower and sitting in the tub for a few minutes. Maybe your next step will be to undress and sit in the shower daily. Then you can add in water and getting yourself wet and drying off daily.

So you’ve picked out your first task. It’s the smallest you can possibly make it while still building up towards your goal. Now, I’m going to reveal another trick a social worker gave me. It’s actually obligatory when they set down goals with their people to make their goals ‘SMART’.

So here’s how it goes:

‘S’ stands for ‘specific’

‘M’ stands for ‘measurable’

‘A’ stands for ‘achievable’

‘R’ stands for ‘realistic’

‘T’ stands for ‘time’

Now, I’m sure if you search ‘smart goals’, you’ll get plenty of great descriptions on how to use these. My main thing is that the ‘SMART’ goals acronym helps you set up a goal that is doable and identified clearly so that you know if you’ve succeeded or failed.

Now let’s take the shower thing and set a ‘SMART’ goal with it.

S: You’re going to get into the shower every day. M: you will be sitting in the shower, fully clothed, for 5 or more minutes with no water running. A: for the sake of this example, I’m going to say that yes, I can achieve this (right now, I do actually do full showers, so this is just an example peoples. The point is to sit down and ask yourself if you can actually do this, physically and mentally. If the answer is no, try a smaller goal.) ‘R’: in my case, it’s realistic to be able to get into a shower and sit for 5+ minutes. But say, if you’re physically handicapped, it may not be realistic. T: We’re going to do this for two weeks, 5-7 times a week.

So that’s how you do a ‘SMART’ goal.  My further advice is: do it with someone who is a positive influence in your mental health life. Don’t do it with someone stressful, or someone who doesn’t want to acknowledge your problems. Pick someone realistic and helpful, if you have one available. Call a hotline and ask for a social worker to help talk you through it, at worse (in Canada, there’s the 811 line, option 2, that’s a social worker).

Here’s some more examples. You’ve decided to go at you mental health healing alone. You’re beginning by tackling your anxiety, and you’ve decided to work on your social anxiety. You’ve picked out a reiki practitioner as well as a natural remedy advisor, as well as a yoga class to attend.

You’re going to pick the smallest one: say, the yoga class to attend. So you set yourself a ‘SMART’ goal in regards to this yoga class, like this: ‘S’: attend X yoga class ‘M’: for an hour session ‘A’: yes, you can mentally do it. ‘R’ Yes, you can physically do it in regards to getting there and doing the basic poses. ‘T’: you will do this for two weeks, then reevaluate.

Here’s another example: You’ve decided to try a mixture of western medicine and ayurvedic practices. You’ve researched an ayurvedic healer, the info for your family doctor, as well as a dog park to play your dog at for stress relief. You break it down into the smallest step: it could be either to make a doctor appointment or try the dog park. Let’s say it’s the doctor appointment. So you set a ‘SMART’ goal like this:

‘S’: call to make an appointment with family doctor ‘M’ make an appointment for as quickly as possible ‘A’: yes, you can do it mentally. ‘R’: yes, you can do it realistically. You have no large phone phobias or difficulty physically making phone calls. ‘T’: you will do this within two weeks.

Now, where’s the pagan side in all of this? Of course, there are many ways to use your spirituality to bolster your ‘SMART’ goals. You can try and set spiritual goals to do in tandem with more ‘physical’ goals, even doing them together so that your spiritual practice makes it easier to perform your healing steps.

Ideas include:

• Lighting purifying incense daily (when you’re there to supervise it burning) to cleanse and purify your home/energy. Perform in preparation for more agitating chores/mentally disruptive tasks.
• Meditate/sit in contemplation daily, at a specific time. Depending on the sort of meditation you do, it can either calm you down from a difficult activity, raise energy before a difficult activity, or take a breather in the middle of a difficult activity.
• Draw a divination card or rune each day, either at the beginning of the day to suggest contemplative observation of one’s day, or at the end of the day to help ‘summarize’ the day and bring closure and reflection.
• Perform an offering ritual. This can be as simple as laying a cookie with intent out on a windowsill for the fairies.
• Do some breathing exercises.
• Do some energy moving exercises. I recommend doing grounding ones for beginning your path, so as to not raise agitated energy that you aren’t ready to work with yet. If you do raise energy, remember to always ground it once you are done.
• Recite a prayer. It can be a long formal recitation with prayer beads, or it can simply be a moment to talk to a preferred deity.
• Sit in nature.

 

Again, these are just ideas. Whatever you feel is right, pick it and do the smallest step possible.

I wish you all the best. In our next step, we will look at the ‘how’ of doing these goals.

Step 7 ~ Make a Dedication

Now is the time where you will dedicate yourself to your healing path. A dedication can be very simple or elaborate, depending upon your abilities and what you feel will work for you.

In the past, I’ve always found it tempting to do great and elaborate rituals, yet I never found those to be useful for me, magically speaking. As a mentally ill person, I never had the mental resources to do more than plan out a ritual. Even that, depending on my state, could be too much. So instead I ended up doing very simple things, such as tying a red string to my finger to remember to use my service dog and to rely upon her instead of trying to be independent.

The point of this dedication is to mark the beginning of your healing efforts -> to yourself. You’ll want it to have two parts. One will be a large piece that will ‘contain’ and ‘radiate’ all the energy and hope you’re putting into this. It will serve to remind you or why you’re doing this, how you’re doing it, and what methods you’re trying to use. Hopefully it will inspire you and encourage you to keep going when the going gets tough. I’m thinking something like a large collage in your home, or even a shelf that you decorate, complete with the deities that you will call upon for healing, etc.But it can be as simple as a picture of a beach or nature or a deity. Whatever works for you.

The second part will be a small piece that you will wear upon yourself or carry with you, to remind you of the commitment you’ve made. It could be a simple bead, a ring, or even a string tied (not too tightly) to your finger. The idea here is a reminder that will accompany you tangibly through your struggles. Again, choose something that will work for you. Maybe an image of a bird, free and flying without fear. Maybe a meditating figure, serene and calm.

So once you know what images or objects, crystals, herbs, etc, you want to use as your two dedication pieces, how do you go about making them? Here’s how I suggest going about it.

1. Design your objects. Take a few days to think on it, sketch it out, and sleep on it. Make sure it’s something that’ll be meaningful, but don’t worry about it not being ‘meaningful enough’. You can always redo this ritual later if you feel it’s not meaningful enough.
   • Pro tip: on the larger of the two objects, plan a space for you to place markers of your successes. It can be a hand to place flowers in, empty space to glue up pictures, etc. Just remember that you will have victories and that you will want to commemorate them, which will help you on your path!
2. Pick a time where you will not be disturbed and feel calm and collected
3. Gather all your materials to your work space
4. Cleanse your space however your tradition dictates. If you have no tradition, I suggest wafting around your favorite burning incense (air and fire) and then to sprinkle salt water around (earth and water). I suggest doing this in a circular motion around the space you will be using, as much as possible.
5. Summon your higher self, deity, mother earth, grigori, etc. Ask them for their aid in performing this ritual. Don’t summon an entire pantheon! Summon just those who you feel called to or who you think are necessary.  If you are unsure of who to summon at all, use a summoning like this “I call upon those spirits or beings who guide and love me, who wish to aid me in my healing path, to be here now and to aid me’.
6. If you feel up to it, cast a circle according to your traditions/beliefs. If you’re not up to it, don’t.
7. Meditate upon what you are going to make, and ask the spirits/higher self how they think it should be done. If you get sudden urges or ideas that seem particularly nice, it could be them speaking.
   • If your inspiration seems overly ‘weird’ or ‘out there’ or bizarre, just don’t do it. In my experience, these were not divinely inspired, just the result of my weird brain doing its thing.
8. Calmly, thank the spirits for their insight and guidance. Trust that they are with you, and begin making your objects without judgment. Remember that this is not a beauty contest. It’s all about the result having meaning and power for you.
9. When you are done (or done for the moment), consecrate the objects. Hold them in your hands (or hold your hands above them) and dedicate them to your healing.
   • For both objects you can say something like “I dedicate this ___ (object one and two) to aid me in my healing, to remind me of my path in healing, and to channel inner guidance to me when I most need it. Please __ (deities or higher self) bless and consecrate it to guide and strengthen me on my path to healing.”
   • If your tradition has specific ways to ‘bring something to life’, you can use those methods. Options are the ‘laying in darkness’ used by the nordic paths to then ‘birth’ the named object into the light, simply naming it and willing it to be awake and ready, or blessign it with the four elements, or burying it out into the earth to then be ‘birthed’  when you dig it up.
10. Thank you deities/higher self and dismiss/say goodbye in whatever formal terms you wish to use. My favorite is ‘stay if you will, go if you must’. If you can’t remember phrases to save your life, a simple thank you and ‘I’m going to clean up now’ works fine as well.
11. Clean your work space. Take the time to put everything away and clean up as much as possible. Don’t consider this a ‘chore’, but see it as part of the ritual, an essential sacred thing. Take it as a chance to see yourself putting order into your world.
12. Now that you have your objects ready to aid and guide you, place them in their dedicated space. You will want to begin immediately keeping the smaller one near you and the larger one in its space in your home.
13. Rest, relax, and return to normal space and frame of mind. Rest, eat ‘cakes and ale’ (something nutritious and something hydrating), and return to your normal state of being.
14. Once you feel grounded and well, acknowledge what you have done. Take stock of it, and realize that now you are embarking onto your path of healing, officially. From this moment on, you are walking that path. Congratulate yourself mindfully.
15. Declare your intention to heal to those around you whom you trust. You can call it ‘putting it out there’ into the universe. Share with them whatever you feel comfortable sharing, be it just your intention to heal, to including how you want to do it and even which healers or doctors you wish to see. Just let them know that you’re trying to heal. It may encourage them to support you in the future, or at least explain what you’re trying to do.

Step 5 ~ Gather Your Resources

Now that you’ve chosen your path of healing, you’re going to do some research. Consider it like a nature walk. Do you just up and randomly drive up to the side of a forest and begin slugging away at it, trying to walk through the thick and thin of it? Of course not (or at least I hope you don’t- it could be private property!). No. As a good pagan, you will first check our where you’re allowed to go and find some nice nature parks. Then you’ll maybe get a copy of a local flora and fauna book to better understand what you’ll be seeing. Then you get proper walking boots and socks and a hat and maybe pick out a crystal to guide you. All this to say -> you get prepared. Pagans are really big on intuition and ‘winging it’, but there’s nothing wrong or un-spiritual about planning. For those of us with mental illness, it can really help and make sure we don’t miss something obvious.

So, first things first. Get a hold of your trusty list of treatment options that you made last step. Grab a new sheet of paper and write them down in the order you want to do them, leaving plenty of space all around to write in your research. I suggest sticking the worst/most stressful thing in the middle, that way you end on a less stressful note.

Now, going down your list, research each option one at a time. Truth be told, this could take a few hours, even a few days. You want to be exhaustive.

But how do you do this? It’s easy to say ‘research’, but for me, that’s overwhelming. So let’s break it down.

Suppose you have are willing to see a doctor. Research on the local doctors. Do you have options with your insurance, or are you tied to a family doctor? If you already have a doctor, and you just have to make an appointment with them, then congrats, you’re done! If not, keep researching on which doctor you feel would best suit your needs.

Suppose you want to try only alternative medicines. Research which ones you want to take. Research what accredited people are near you, such as ayurvedic healers, naturopaths, etc. Write down their coordinates, availabilities, and approximate costs.

If you want to try group talks or similar therapies, research if there is any happening in your area, and consider calling a mental health clinic in order to know more about them.

Here’s a thing: don’t be afraid to call to get more information. If that’s too terrifying, get a friend to do it for you, or try emailing them. Whichever way, get as much pertinent information as you can.

A phone call, or email, could go like this:

“Hi, my name is ___ and I have ___ problems (such as anxiety or obsessions). I am currently researching on treatment options such as ___ (aromatherapy, reiki, etc) that you currently provide. I am wondering if you could tell me more about your services and how you could help me heal.”

One thing to consider, especially for alternative therapies and ‘spiritual’ practices such as reiki, is to ask them if they have any previous experience healing people with your condition. A simple way to phrase this is to say/write something along the lines of “I was wondering if you have any previous experience healing people with my condition, and if you could tell me how those experiences went.”

Again, you don’t need the nitty gritty details. But you do need to know whether they’ve dealt with anxiety/schizophrenia before, or whether they have no clue what to do with you.

Once you’re done with one point, move on to the next. In order for a point to be ‘done’, you should have gathered extra information specifically in regards to your condition (i.e., does the local health clinic offer schizophrenic talk meetings, does the reiki healer accept patients with your condition, etc) (except for a doctor, whose treatment plan will largely depend upon your meeting), gotten their contact method, and know where they are located. Once you’ve done this for your whole list, congratulations, you’re done for this step!

Again, take a breather. This may have been very stressful for you, and acknowledge that. It may also be confusing to have all this information. Acknowledge that as well. For now, don’t try and begin picking out who you want to see first or anything of the sort. Set it aside and forget about it until the next step.

I suggest you change your mind, cleanse your energy, and do a joyful spiritual practice. Offer thanks for the resources you’ve found!

 

Step 4 – Pick a Treatment Method

Now is when you refer back to your self-research you did on how you believe in treating mental illness. Now is the time to figure out how you want to treat yourself.

Start by clearing your mind of things such as fears and anxieties. Don’t let fear make your decisions for you, but rather what you truly believe in. You can do a small meditation, cleanse the air with incense, ring a bell a few times, and ground yourself.

Then, once you feel ready emotionally and your mind is clear, set yourself to this particular task.

Don’t get bogged down in the details of treating your symptoms, such as ‘how do I manage to take the bus?’. Think of the bigger picture here, and of your values.  Answer these questions.

• Do I want to take medication?
• Do I want to be followed by a doctor?
• Do I want to check into a mental health ward?
• Do I want to do therapy, see a psychologist, attend support groups, etc?
• Do I want to try by altering my nutrition intake/diet?
• Do I want to try ‘alternative’ treatments, such as naturopaths, aromatherapy, etc?
• Do I want to heal only via ‘spiritual’ techniques, like aura cleansing, rituals, etc?
• What do I have the means to do?

Once you’ve answered these questions, you should have a better picture of how you want to treat yourself. Now that you’ve made a list of what kind of treatment you want, the time has come to consult your tarot/spirits/inner archetypes.

First, do whatever rituals you feel necessary to dispel any negative energy/miasma that this activity may have caused you, and try and achieve a positive space for your readings. Then, when you feel ready and all your crystals are in place, do readings on your preferred treatment options. Ask them (whoever that is for you, be it deities or your inner selves) what they think about your treatment options.

Again, be honest. Write down without judgement or fear what comes to you. They may very well contradict what you want. Avoid questions fueled from fear and focus on ones that pinpoint which treatment options are best for you and lead to your healing. Questions may be ‘will checking in to the local psychiatric ward help heal me?’ if you are using a yes or no option or a two situation outcome reading, or ‘what is the most plausible outcome on my mental health if I was to check into the psychiatric ward?’.

The important thing is to face the situations here head on. Don’t be afraid of what answers your divination will bring you. Let it flow, and let them say what they have to say, without you judging them.

Then, when you’ve asked about all your possible treatment options, even the ones you’re not fond of, close the divination session. This is important. You want to be the one to make your decisions, not them. You are the responsible one here, and you don’t want a million voices clouding your judgement.

Close your ritual/seance/reading, and take a moment to ground yourself. Close your eyes and relax into a small meditation, or take a brisk walk out of doors if you are able. Whatever method you choose, reground into yourself and who you are. Then, move on to the next step.

Now you will take your choices and compare it to the reading/divination results. Now is the time to acknowledge what terrifies you (you can take a sheet of paper for that as well) but also to compare your thoughts with the wisdom you’ve been offered.

An IMPORTANT NOTE HERE: If your reading feels wonky/inconsistent/unreliable, and unusual to you, -> CHUCK IT. The point being, if it’s not something you’re willing to stick beside and that you really feel is right according to your spirits, don’t use it. Do another reading on another day or get someone else to do the reading for you.

Sometimes we’re too close to the matter to do a reading for ourselves and it gets all jumbled. That’s okay. Sometimes our fears are so strong they cloud the reading and that’s okay too. The important thing it to take a moment and use our discernment here. Is this a reading we are willing to stick by? If no, and it feels weird to you, chuck it. If yes, and it feels like painful truths, then continue.

Now, drawing upon the wisdom of your divinations and your own desires that you wrote down at the beginning of this exercise, make a new sheet. Be fair and take into consideration both what you want, but also what the spirits/inner self thinks is best for you. Really, only you can choose between the two, but you have to make a choice. Lucky you if what you and the spirits wants aligns! But if not, then you’ve got decisions to make.

Once you’ve made the decisions, write them down one by one. Then, stick that to your fridge or somewhere visible. Bring it to your doctor if you want. These are the kinds of treatments you’re willing to try, and that’s your decision for the time being. You’ve chosen your path.

If you’ve gotten this far, good job. If not, good job for trying, take a deep breath, and try again on a better day.

I strongly suggest that you take some time to rest and cleanse yourself emotionally after this. Dealing with treatment options can be terrifying and stressful, so cleanse yourself, shower, go for a nature walk, or nap to resource yourself. Don’t forget to congratulate yourself as well for taking your health into your hands. Good job!

Step 3 – Identify the ‘Problems’

What is wrong? What is not right in your life? What’s bothering you – or others?

Here is the part where you sit down with a sense of responsibility and rake in all the evidence from trusted sources. Too often we think we’re “fine”, but others can clearly see differently. Trusted friends and family are key here. Take their advice, the advice of professionals, and make wise decisions.

But suppose you have no one you can trust? What do you do? How does one gauge if things such as anxiety is ‘really’ a problem or not?

Here’s what I suggest to do, in this order.

1. Well, like with most situations, I suggest heartfelt prayer first.
   • Don’t get caught in trappings of frivolous prayers.
   • Ask for discernment, illumination on the path to healing, and advice.
   • You don’t have to repeat. If you say it with heart once, the gods will have heard you, I’m sure.
2. Once you’ve prayed, do some divination (or better yet, have it done for you so there is less pressure on your shoulders in the interpretation). The idea here is that you’ve asked for stuff to be sent to you (help in discernment, etc), now you’re trying to receive their advice.
   • use your tarot, runes, oracle cards, etc, asking questions such as “what is hindering me mentally?” “What should I focus on healing now?”
   • Remain open to all options. Write down what you receive or intuit, and set that aside.
3. Make a list of what you struggle with or avoid doing daily or even weekly -> in an independent or solitary way. Say you can’t imagine taking the bus alone, but you’re not really hindered because you always have friends to go with you -> you’re still hindered because you can’t do it independently. Choose concrete things, such as taking the bus, going to the grocery store, leaving doors unlocked, etc.
4. Now make a list of what you struggle with mentally. Write down all the niggly things. Anything you think ‘might’ be a problem. Write down even the things that you don’t think are worth taking into consideration, that aren’t ‘such a big deal’.
5. Now compare the two lists. The point here is to realize which mental health problem/symptoms is crippling your daily activity, and to what extent. Look at each thing that’s giving you a hard time in your life (such as taking the bus) and honestly ask yourself what’s the symptom behind that. Is it anxiety? Paranoia? Chances are, if it’s impacting your daily life, it’s a problem that’s worth tackling. Highlight, circle, or make an entirely new list of the problems that affect your daily functioning.
6. Now, compare this list with your divination. Here is where you make a final list of what appears in at least two of these lists. These are your target problems.
7. Rank your problems from most to least incapacitating. Then, also rank them from easiest to hardest to ‘fix’. These will help you make your ‘game plan’ (which is the next post).

But for now, take a moment, have a deep breath, and pat yourself on the back. You’ve discovered what problems you have, and that’s a big step.

Now, these two lists that you’ve finished with are far from a diagnosis. They’re just you targeting things that are problematic for you. I strongly suggest that you take a moment here, with your lists, and try and make sure that you’ve targeted as much the ‘root’ of everything.

Say, for example, taking the bus is difficult for you. Finding the root would be to localize the anxiety, paranoia, or obsession behind this problem. Always look for what is the root.

Mental health problems are like bad weeds -> the roots can be three feet deep, going on and on through different levels of your psyche. But unless you dig up that root, they’ll just keep coming back in different plants/disguises. So, say you’ve managed to conquer the bus but you didn’t treat  your anxiety per se, so instead of worrying about the bus, you worry about taxis instead.

Mental health problems are complex, and there are many layers and complexities to each unique problem. Think again of trees and weeds (because we are pagans and that’s what we do, haha). In a book called ‘the secret life of trees’, Peter Wohlleben shows that trees actually support each other through their root systems, trading nutrition and water (I think that’s what he said anyways, I read the book a while ago). So my point here is that one problem can do just that, feeding off and supporting another (which is called ‘co-morbid’ in psychiatrist speech). So maybe instead of just digging up one problem at a time, it feels like you’re digging them all up at once. This is because they are probably entwined at the root. But just like digging up a nest of weeds, you have to start with one at a time, and dig up the whole plot of messy roots.

So now that you’ve made your lists, I suggest taking a break. Let it go, forget about it. One step is enough per day, in my opinion. Take a cleansing bath, purify and cleanse the area you made your lists in, and change your mind (garden, watch a show, read a book, etc). Focus on other things in your life, such as things that you can still comfortably perform without running up against your mental health problems.

Step 1 – What You Need to Know

What does one need to know in order to get better? So often, I see ‘courses’ on healing and books proclaiming this or that ‘technique’ for healing.

I don’t believe you need to ‘know’ anything in an intellectual way in order to heal. Do we need to sit down with our bodies and say ‘Okay, now, you see that paper cut? Well, we got to clot it first, then we got to mend all that tissue, with a bit of scarring afterwards. Here’s how to do it-‘. Fuck no! We don’t do that!

So what’s so different about mental illness? Why is everyone proposing all these things to ‘know’ in order to ‘heal’?

Here’s the thing: you will heal, if you want to. You just have to want to. Your body – and your brain – know how to do it all by yourself. The trick is the same as with a paper cut. Clean the wound, bind it, and let the mind/body do its work.

Sure, sometimes we need a surgery to remove a tumor – like a psychologist walking us through a bad trauma. Other times we need medication to help.

I guess my point is that healing yourself shouldn’t be rocket science. Yeah, it’s difficult and painful, but our bodies know how to do it. It will tell us, if we observe, what it needs.  We know how to do this, and we have marvelous tools at our disposal. It hurts, but it’s possible.

I guess that’s why I’m going for a ‘framework’ for healing and not a healing ‘course’. Y’all don’t need to be taught how to heal, you just need to understand how to help yourself by doing things like cleaning the wound and bandaging it. Thankfully, lots of these things are really simple. The whole point is to do it with intention and with the actual desire to heal. This, however, brings us to our next post on the topic, which is “Acknowledging you have a problem”. I may or may not write this up in the next few days. I will definitely try and post it within a week. Take care y’all.