A New Phase…

As I have written elsewhere, I think on Facebook, a very difficult situation is drawing to a close for me. As it comes to a happy end, paperwork and all, I have felt a ridiculously huge amount of stress lift off my shoulders. I felt a sudden ten percent jump (approximately) in functioning! So so much stress was suddenly gone, and now I feel a new shift in myself. I feel like I came to a turning point, was suddenly placed back in the driver’s wheel of my life, and some decisions were made. Namely, I’m going to be delving back into my spiritual practice and trying to recenter. I want to return to my roots as a pagan and Buddhist, and to feel myself grow.

So! I got myself a new sketchbook to make into a BOS, I made some concrete weight loss and spiritual practice goals (including taking a buddhist meditation class from a local Tibetan nun!) And I am trying to be gentler and more mindful of myself in my day to day experience. Oh, and yoga. I have been doing yoga twice a day now for a week, following short “yoga with Adrienne ” videos. I have to say I’m really enjoying her videos, and feel very pleased with myself for doing them!

And yet I find myself looking to my fresh new book of shadows and wondering… what shall I put in there? What would you counsel, friends and new readers? I am thinking of revisiting the elder futhark, but beyond that and buddhist meditations, I feel a little lost as to what to do with my shiny new notebook. Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!

As always, I wish you all the best! Have you recently had any spiritual turn around? Let me know what you did, or what you’d advise to do!

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Rant that mentions violence: TRIGGER WARNING for Violence

So I’ve been absent lately, but I’ve been engrossed in novels and being sociable. I’ve gone to so many social things and read so much! I was reading a book by the Dalai Lama on Dharma talks and one by Desmond Tutu on human goodness. It was all fun and nice.

But yesterday sort of threw it all into a strange perspective. I had gone to spend time with my mother at a cafe. Mom paid for the coffees, and the server lady put the cups on the counter – and promptly collapsed to the floor! AHH!

Sure she was having an epileptic fit, I ran around the counter to hold her head. But she wasn’t seizing, rather she was breathing fast and seemed confused and in pain. Well my mom called the ambulance while i ran around looking for a friend she claimed was in the shop somewhere. i didn’t find the friend, but found a first aid person, who suggested we prop her knees up and wait for the ambulance. I held the ladies’ hand and we waited. It went very well when the ambulance got there. We were able to tell them the time she had spent on the floor and how she was doing, and they took her out in a stretcher. A cop arrived to watch the store until another cashier showed up.

So hah! That was exciting to say the least! But then! After leaving the shop later with my  mom (we did rest a little and enjoy a coffee while waiting for my wifey to be done her meetings). But then! I was waiting in the car for my wifey to get cat food. I checked my families’ facebook group chat, and saw that a relative (I won’t say who) had posted a video. I clicked, thinking it was going to be something silly and weird. Well it wasn’t. It was a video of a mob holding down a man while a dog ate his penis.

It was disgusting! It was infuriating! It was shocking! I was so mad at my relative for having posted this, to have shared in some way in supporting such an action! It was such a strange contrast to all the emotions and philosophies that I have been trying to cultivate in myself lately.

Family drama has definitely ensued, the person claiming that ‘that’s what should happen to pedophiles’. I find it to be a sketchy excuse, because people tend to defect to pedophiles as being this ‘worst and most abominable’ kind of crime, without necessarily weighing in on all the factors of a crime. It feels like a pre-made excuse for violence against some ‘bad guy’.

So yeah, I’m a bit still in shock. I keep seeing the video every so often behind my eyes, and it really shocks me how it’s so against everything I stand for. It feels like a sort of life lesson, a challenge, and I hope I’m reacting to it well. Anyways, I managed to write a little today but I still feel fragile and cautious with my emotions. I hope it didn’t influence my writing. I hope y’all enjoy what I’ve written and that it brings you all lots of smiles. I know that I’m definitely enjoying my writing! it feels like such a safe haven from the awful things of this world.

Anyways, lots of love to you all.

Mental Health Advice from a Buddhist Nun

Hey everyone! I haven’t been active lately, at all. I’ve been very busy taking care of myself and living life, which, is apparently full of stressful appointments.

But one lovely thing happened this weekend. I met a Buddhist nun for advice regarding meditation and my mental health/illness.

And you know what? She was just so nice and kind and logical. When I brought up my hallucinations, she advised focusing on the reality, not on the hallucination. A thing that, I think, would help reinforce reality instead of the hallucination. And really, why did no one ever mention this to me before?

It was so counter to all the advice I had ever gotten from the esoteric crowd. Instead of telling me to indulge in the hallucination, to go deeper into it, to try and find its meaning, it was rather to focus on reality. Wow. For me, that was ground breaking.

Furthermore, she advised me to lay off psychic activities until I feel better. Another thing that esoteric people won’t tell you to do: lay off the psychic. Wow!

Honestly, it was just so nice and refreshing to be told these things, because they felt true and they resonated so much with me. They didn’t feel dopey or about self-inflation. Rather, it was all just so logical (that was my one biggest impression of her. Logic and kindness.).

So yes, that was my lovely encounter this weekend. Other than that I’ve been working on the next birdie coloring book and haven’t been writing one bit at all. I’ve been knitting, working on Christmas gifts, and they haven’t been coming out totally well, haha. One sock was just so small I had to undo the whole thing. But I’m trying.

So anyways, hopefully I will find more time soon to keep writing and posting! Lots of love to you all, and I wish you the very best. ❤


“My Name is Chaos”; Chapter Twenty One Part One

So, if you’ve been following, that was how I ended up smack! Face-first on the tiles of Lucifer’s throne room. Because, yeah, the portal FoxFace had made for me was rickety in essence and it was a sickening ride. So much so that I rose to my knees and barfed bile.

“Oh hey-y!” said a pair of sparkling high heels right before me. “What’s up?”

I looked up at Lucifer. They looked down, smirking. Dressed in an elegant evening dress full of rhinestones and wearing rainbow earrings and bearing their grey hair in a levitation around them, like they were permanently descending from the sky. S/he looked majestic and regal, like they’d just stepped off a throne. Well, they probably just had.

“I need help,” I croaked.

“Who doesn’t?” said the Lord of lords, rolling their eyes dramatically at the ceiling. “Earlier on, I had to get this zipped up my back on my own. It wasn’t easy!”

I just blinked. Zippers? That’s what s/he was complaining about?

Lucifer crouched down to my side. A waft of exquisite perfume wafted over me. His elbow nudged mine and a sparkling hand dusted my shoulder. “You poor, poor thing,” Lucifer crooned. “What’s the matter?”

I shuddered. Instantly I just wanted to relax and let myself rest against him. But that was a dangerous feeling. I needed to keep my wits about me! So I used the only real tactic that worked on Lucifer: honesty of sorts.

“I need to break a blood bond. A witch has my blood.”

Lucifer tutted. “Now look what mess you’ve gotten yourself into.”

“They stole my blood,” I hissed. “And now they want-” I gulped and stared into those crystalline blue eyes. “They want me to kidnap Bella.”

“Oh?” Lucifer tilted their head to the side. A finger trailed up my neck, sending shivers over my spine. “That’s a pity.”

“I need to break the blood bond. What do I do?”

Lucifer smirked, playing with a strand of my hair. “You need a haircut,” they said cheerfully.

“I cut my hair?” I asked hopefully. That easy? “That will break the bond?”

“No you idiot,” they snapped, standing in a swoop. “i was just saying that you need a haircut.”

My hopes crushed down into my gut. Asshole.

“No, you see,” dramatic as ever, Lucifer turned and strolled to their throne. “Blood magic is terrible magic. Strong magic. Very, very, difficult to break.” With a smirk s/he added. “That’s why you defeated the olde yahweh with it.” and they sniggered. “How ironic that it has now been used against you.”

I paused. Could it be that it wasn’t irony? That someone had snitched on what I’d done and given the witch that idea? “She has a source,” I said. “Someone who knows me is feeding her information.”

Lucifer turned to me. “Oh? Do you know who?”

I shook my head. Dusting myself off, I stood. “No. But I know that they’ve told her quite a lot. She isn’t frightened of me in the slightest, and I can’t seem to get leverage over her.”

Lucifer snorted. “I can’t imagine why anyone would be the slightest bit afraid of you. You’re chaotically useless. Oh, and on the subject of snitches, how is your ex fiancee?”

My mind hit a wall. “She’s the one who snitched?”

Lucifer made a sad face but didn’t say any more.

“How could she?” But I knew why. I’d dumped her, she was mortal, and now she’d had her revenge on me. With a sigh I kneaded a knuckle against my forehead. Swept my bangs back. “Okay,” I said. “Now what? What do I do to fix this?”

“Ah,” Lucifer swirled around in a cascade of silky fabrics. “Now you’re talking, tadpole.”

First goldfish, now tadpole? Seriously people?

“First,” Lucifer sauntered over to me. “You need to bring Bella something. Something big, to show your allegiance. After all,” and now that Lucifer was directly before me, they stooped to look me in the eyes. Their perfume wafted out – and something else. A trace of Bella. A scent of her.

“you’re in the hive,” I gulped, horror drenching me.

“Oh yes,” crooned Lucifer. “So I know that she’s set out a death call on you. But I’m willing to set that aside for just a moment. Let lovers reunite.” A finger was held up between our faces. “Bella wants a portal, but not just any portal. She needs one to Nirvana.”

“But I can’t give her that!”

Lucifer laughed in my face. “You idiot. Don’t you know of Amitabha? The Buddha who vowed to save every last soul? The Buddha who vowed that if one called on them in their final moments, they would save the departing one?”

I shrugged. “Barely.”

“I’ll make it really simple then. If you die while reciting Amitabha’s name, they will take you to the Pure Lands. Right?”

“A portal!” I gasped. “But -”

Lucifer winked. “Don’t worry, I’ve already told Bella you’re here.”

“What?!” I shrieked.

“What?” Lucifer pretended to be all innocent. “She gets here, you die, open the portal, she goes with you to the Pure Lands. She’s all happy and healed, forgives you and fixes your blood problem. Isn’t that great? Thank you Lucifer, yes yes.”

I balked. “But I’m immortal. I can’t die.” And I wasn’t sure I wanted to. Was it painful? Icky?

Lucifer smirked. They plucked a rhinestone off their dress and held it between us, where it shimmered. “Have some poison and find out.”

I hesitated. The rhinestone was pushed towards me. “Do you want to kill yourself, or force Bella to do it for you? You’re dying anyway.”

I snatched the rhinestone from his grasp. Instantly it melted into my palm. I choked as it felt like a needle driving through me, straight up my arm and into my heart.

Faintly, I heard Lucifer’s voice. “Don’t forget -”

The floor crashed up to me. I barely felt it, my vision tunneling and ringing filling me.

My last thought was that I realized that, indeed, Bella hadn’t given me an antidote as she promised. I felt cheated.