Author’s Update

Lately, I’ve been struggling with my mental health. This means -> Lots of Farfadel!

In the world of Farfadel, I feel safe and secure. I know what’s about to happen (ish) and nothing seems terrible. I find myself wanting to go there almost first thing in the morning. I wake up, have coffee, and I’m like ‘oh hey, how about some writing?’. It’s an escape tactic, I know it, so I try and focus on doing other things in life.

Where am I with Farfadel? Well, I’ve almost finished a trilogy, which comes after a book with dinosaurs in it, that will be released this summer. Yes, dinosaurs! I’m pretty excited for it, truth be told, and the trilogy is coming out pretty badass as well.

And yet, in my little author’s heart, I feel like I should be cranking out MORE. More than silly fairytales. Something more serious, profound. Something snobby-nosed people will read and go ‘ahh, literature’, while sniffing into their kerchiefs, or whatever it is wealthy people sniff into these days.

Lately, I’ve been trying to rework ‘Lage’s Game’, and I’m so not sure about it. I mean, the story is more cohesive this time around but… I don’t know. I’m hesitant.

And let’s not even get started with Chaos! I tried editing that series once and got so down on myself. Chaos feels like such an idiot and ahhhhh, it was depressing, okay?

I want to work on these more serious projects. I’m just not sure ‘how’ to tackle them. Maybe I’m not ready. Maybe Farfadel should come first. Maybe, if I was honest with myself, Farfadel is what I need right now, and the rest is just too much work. I don’t know. I’m not entirely sure about anything right now, and feel like a bit of a failure as an author.

To be extra honest, I miss posting daily writings and getting likes and views. It felt good to get the writing ‘out there’ and get some sort of positive feedback. Writing is such a lonely and ‘in your head’ art, it’s kind of crushing some times.

Anyways, I will get back to my writing. I’ll try and keep you all updated on my progress! Take care ❤

Quick Hello Again!

Hi everyone! I’ve missed you all ❤

I can’t say I’ve missed this blog though. I feel it became a toxic ranting space for me, and I don’t want to contribute to that kind of atmosphere. So! I’m thinking of rehashing this space. I think I want a nice space for my writing dilemmas and ideas, with the occasional mental health update. I guess I want to still give you all a glimpse at what it’s like ‘behind the scenes’ as well as somewhere to talk with people about my writerly life.

So, on that note, how have things been going with me?

Things have been going well, darlings. As some of you may have noticed, I’ve been very active with my birdies and getting a grip on managing them and their many projects. That was, for a while, my most engrossing project. But lately, I’ve been finding my feet with Farfadel and other novels as well. My mental health has been very up and down, but in a general upwards streak.

Lately, as in the past month or so, building up until the past week, I’ve been having Kuryo and Chaos’ story stuck in my head. So! I decided this week to bite the bullet and start re-editing that messy blurb.

In my head, it was an impossible task! How could stories inspired by dreams be anything but a chaotic mess?

But, after re-reading the first three books, those in Kuryo’s series, I’m shocked. They’re not that bad, for real! They’re pretty cohesive, and the last one is the one that is the most messy, but it’s not unfixable. It’s hardly as bad as I thought it was!

One major thing I want to rework is an ending for one of the villains of part 1: Kay.

Now I’m not going to tell you who he is (that would be spoilers!) but I am going to say I’m thinking of having him team up with Bella later on in the series. That would be such a pain in the ass for Kuryo and Chaos! He also is the absolute opposite of Bella, so they would make quite a team. Whereas Bella is more of a hysterical squirrel with rabies, I think of Kay as more calculated and professional. Like an angry ice cube!

On another note, I got my quasi-ancient scanner to pick up on my watercolor paintings, so here is a painting I did yesterday of Kay. You can maybe guess who he is by the picture 😛

Finally, I’m going to blow some time rehashing this blog. I want to redesign it and make it all pretty and writing-focused. So hopefully that means lots more artworks, and writing-focused sections! Let me know who you think Kay is in the comments! And do tell me how you’ve been doing!

I wish you all the best ❤

Lage’s Game: Chapter Thirteen, Part One

Lage handed the bag of souls to me. I pulled it open and investigated. There were three tiny spheres. One white and silver, one grey, and one black. Well.

I drew the black one out. It was feeble, tainted, ad worthless to me. Mere filler so they could say that they were giving Lage three. I dropped it, crushign it under my heel.

With a squeal and sigh, the soul was free. Their thanks and relief poured into me, and I nodded graciously. You’re welcome.

Then, I looked to the other two in my palm. The gray one was next. I tossed it up and caught it in my mouth. It tasted sweet, fruity, and had a tang of spice to it.

I spat it out, satisfied. A good soul, but not worth my time. Be gone.

The soul scurried away, whispering thanks and all that.

Finally, I held up the silver-white one. Who are you?

I tossed the ball to the ground, ordering it silently to show itself.

As it struck the ground, a silhouette appeared above it. A hologram almost, one could say, or a ghost of a shape. It was the shape of a man, dark like onyx and bearing a striking resemblance to Rebella. Yet where she seemed merciless he seemed softer, wiser. He had long locks that were drawn back and let to fall down around his cloaked shoulders. He was dressed royally but not frivolously.

He bowed slightly to me, proper as could be. “Greetings,” he said clearly, a difficult thing for a spirit to do.

“Serve me,” I ordered. I could sense his power. Noble lineage, good fighting skills, yes, I wanted his service. He would build me a proper army, be a good general.

He hesitated. “What goal are you reaching for? What purpose?”

“I will destroy those who upset the bonds between the worlds. I have come to end the game,” I said.

He inclined his head. Lowering his gaze, he seemed to think.

“Join me,” I ordered again.

His eyes rose to mine, somber. “What you seek is no easy path. I will join you – if you pledge to keep my line safe. Especially Rebella.”

My lip curled in disdain. “Fine,” I snapped a little too swiftly.

We bowed, and the pact was sealed. As I straightened from the bow, he vanished in a flicker. I picked up the sphere from the ground and placed it back in the pouch. I tied it to my belt, and decided my time was done.

Like a cold deluge, all my heat and power drained away. I felt the biting snap of cold on my toes. I felt the sharp winter on my face, my hands. I was suddenly a thirteen year old girl, cold and in a strange land.

Shaking, I looked around as if seeing the grounds for the first time. Lage stepped forward. “It’s you again,” he said gently, crouching down before me. He took my shoulders. I gaped, looking at the bodies around. They hadn’t even had the chance to fire their guns. Or had some supernatural force held them back?

“I did that?” I asked, my voice trembling.

“No,” he said, blue eyes clear and honest. “It wasn’t you.”

“Who?” I looked down at myself. I felt so small compared to that power, that confidence, that I had been filled with just a moment before.

He sighed. “I’m not sure. But you must go somewhere safe.”

“Get her out of me!” I ordered. I knew for sure it was a woman, intuitively. How, I was not sure. But she was a ‘she’.

Lage straightened, hands still on my shoulders. “You can stay with me -”

“You work with them!” I yelled, wrenching free.

“I do not,” he said sternly. Looking around, he sighed, as if looking for some escape. “I merely do my job,” he muttered.

A shaky breath came through me. I felt like a scarecrow, just rattling with the wind. “I want to know,” I said. “I want to know- everything.” Who could I trust? What was going on? “I want to know!” I raised my voice, almost yelling.

Lage looked down at me. “You’re so young.”

Fury boiled in me – but this wasn’t the same that brought power. This was plain anger, unfuelled by that ‘other’ sense.

Then, as if the thought summoned it, I felt it wave up through me. I felt taller, haughty, and ready to take on Lage in all his own power. I didn’t care if he was the main player-

“Main player?” I asked, suddenly brought out of the trance by the jarring knowledge. “What – what does that mean?”

Lage’s eyes narrowed. I felt a sense of humor in the back of my mind, like part of me was laughing at him. I wanted to tip myhead back and cackle. Yes! Be afraid, Lage!

Lage took a step back. “Leave me,” he said sharply. “Take her with you. I can’t save you from her.”

“Fine,” I heard myself say coldly. Struggling, I tried to push aside that coldness, that haughtiness. “Lage-” I said, forcing myself to become myself again.

He shook his head and stepped back. “I can’t help you.”

“But!” I felt myself failing. I needed him – I needed someone!

Lage turned around and walked away. I stood there alone, listening to the sound of his boots crunching in the snow.

“Come back to me,” said a voice from within. Rebella. “I can tell you, everything.”

Fury boiled up within me. I yanked the dagger up from the snow where I had dropped it. I shoved it clumsily into my belt – giving myself a tiny cut on the thumb for my carelessness. Then, turning, I stomped back the way I had came.

I walked for five minutes, following the snowmobile trails, before I realized I could take one of those and save myself the hours of walking. Turning around, I trekked back to the snowmobiles and took their keys from the dead bodies. Gulping down bile and ignoring the fresh smell that was staining the air, I clambered onto the smallest snowmobile.

I drove considerably slower on the way back than we had come. I didn’t want to end up crashed against a tree, and I doubted my parasitic spirit’s bravado would save me if I did have a smashing accident.

By the time I arrived at the city’s outer gates, the sky was turning a deep shade of greyish black. At the gates, proud and pleased, was Rebella on a horse at the head of a handful of guards.

“There you are,” she said as soon as I let the engine choke to an end a bit away from the horses. I stepped off the thing, scowling at her. She smiled like she was so pleased. Like I was her special gift. “Come,” she nodded to the left. “I have a horse for you.”

Still scowling, I marched to where a guard was waiting with a soft brown horse. They helped me up and I found myself sitting directly beside Rebella. She was still smiling at me. With a satisfied nod, she wheeled her horse around and entered the city.

Clumsily, the horse doing more the following than I the guiding, we made our way after her. The guards cocooned around me, following Rebella. These guards were not jesting or joking about me any longer. There was a wary look to their eyes and silence to their lips. I wondered what had changed – and realized that I would probably find out soon. Very soon.

Picture Share! Princess Rebella!

So, wifey built me a new computer! It has windows 10 and the ensuing krita on it, and I messed around on it. And ohhh, I actually like this picture!

I have to say, the single thing that has helped my art the most (beside my wifey’s critiques) is doing my own makeup studiously. Y’all, that REALLY helps figure out how to paint a face. Blend, blend, blend, contour!

Lately, I’ve been drawing the characters from Lage’s Game, and I gotta say, I really do like this picture of Rebella! Yes, that nasty princess will be quite important in the story I feel… I have some idea of what kind of future she has in the story, but I’m not sure. Things can change so much! But yes, she will be important!

Anyways, I am well, and have spent a lot of time art-ing around 🙂 so enjoy this picture, let me know what you think, and have a great evening/day!

Take care y’all, much love to you all ❤


So a lot of stuff has happened in the past few days. Namely I’ve been offered a job teaching at an esoteric school, to teach via video conferences, and I’ve discovered and decided to join the Aquarian Tabernacle church and enroll in their seminary program for clergyhood!

So first off, the teaching! The teaching sort of fell from the sky, actually. I contacted someone I knew quite randomly to say hi and boom! They offered me the job (as they run the school). I thought seriously about it, but decided that this would be entirely feasible for lil ol disabled me. So I am in the process of agreeing! Papers need to be signed and sent around, but my mind is made up. I had also done a tarot reading on the subject a few days ago and it seemed entirely favorable! So that’s fun!

In this school I will be making the courses up. I choose the topics, run it past the head, and then once j get the go ahead, I teach that material for a year. Yes, I am fully intending to do a course on mental health. Y’all will be invited, I will share the link here once I do do that course!

But for now the courses i will give will be on slightly easier material, like… magic in history (for which I plan on doing a mega ton of research) or the art of discernment (also research, but less academic).

The courses are unfortunately going to be paid, so I wont be able to give yall free access, but that will pay me and eventually get me financially on my feet (hopefully!).

As far as the Aquarian Tabernacle church goes, I actually found them because they shared my giveaway post! I then investigated them, and was like lo! Behold! A wiccan church that is getting organized and doing stuff like I’d love to do! So I got very excited and contacted them. And wow! They answered! They were nice! So I ended up attending some coffee chats online with them and yeah, I really like them and their mindset. I think their course for clergyhood will be a great growth process for me!

Finally, today was the last day of my birdie giveaway! I am a bit relieved, as it was stressful trying to organize posts and people (many of whom didnt quite do as many posts as I hoped). But hey, it’s a learning process. In a few weeks I’ll do my second giveaway for my ya fiction novel!

But for now, I’m going to close by sharing a nice selfie I took when I put makeup on yesterday for my video calls. I have to say, I do really like the look and enjoy seeing myself with a beard and makeup. It’s very euphoric for me and I feel great! I cant wait for my beard to fill in more!

So for tonight, have a great time lovelies! I love you all and wish you all the best 😊💕


Y’all are going to have a good laugh at this one. An apology is really due – I just realized that my ‘contact form’ emails were NOT going to my email but rather, to some other, almost unattainable part of my website. I just tripped upon that spot now, and am not quite sure how to get there again. For real.

So FYI, if you’ve ever sent me an email, I’ve tried and answered people that I’m not actively in other contact with, but sheesh! I’m so so so sorry! I never meant to ignore anyone! I know how crappy it can be to try and get an answer from someone and how shitty it can feel to be ignored, and I never meant to do that to anyone!

So really, to anyone who tried to reach out to me, I’m so so sorry. My apologies.

Seriously, if you want to get ahold of me, email me straight at AND drop a comment on some post. Just say ‘I messaged you’ and I will double check my spam spots and everything and HUNT DOWN that email. Or I will tell you to send it again.

Anyways, I am, again, so sorry.

Depression and Writing

Depression is hitting me hard. I think it’s my symptom/condition that I have the hardest time accepting. It’s not glamorous, it’s never fun and never makes you feel special. It always makes me feel like I’m worthless and useless. As an author, this preys on my natural beliefs.

You see, I tend to see myself as a vessel for my stories. But combined with my depression, I feel like nothing BUT a vessel. I feel like I’m nothing without them.

The sad truth is that writing is my whole life. It’s me. It’s been my refuge since childhood, where it suddenly filled a void within me that hurt so badly until then. Ever since I started writing, my days rotate around it. As a kid, I would squeeze it in whenever, would draw my characters everywhere, and obsessed over them.

Now, I wake up thinking of my novels. I spend my mornings wondering what I’ll do until I get the chance to write. My whole day is just spent waiting until the right time to write. I know I dont have the mental energy to write all day, but I wish I could. Already I love writing 5 hours a day, and feel bad if I “waste” even one of those hours not hammering out words.

I know this isn’t healthy, but it is what it is. My writing is my life. The only other thing more important is my wife and my relatives. Literally, unless it’s a basic need, everything else feels secondary. I dont want to travel, I dont want a career, I just want to be good at writing and do my stories justice. I want to accomplish what this drive in me is calling for.

But when depression hits, as it does now, I cant write. Every word hurts, I cant think, and then everything that makes me ‘me’ seems to crumble away. What use am I if I cant write? Not being able to write for even one day is a terrible blow. What if my stories are terribly written? What good am I if i can’t get my stories out there properly, to those who need to read them? I know it sounds dramatic, but not being able to write feels like a poisonous sin that will destroy me.

I know, in some way, that my belief of me being just a vessel for writing is bad for me. I need to see myself as more. But how do I do that? It’s like seeing yourself beyond an addiction, in some way.

And then, what’s wrong with this view, if it gives me purpose and value, even in some small way? I know I should see myself as more, but what if I dont feel like more? I feel like so much in my life just points towards writing, and like it’s the cornerstone of my life. Where would I be without it?

I know, in some factual way, that I am a person without my writing. I’ve experienced that, by having my spiritual projects. But… I just feel like more with my writing. I feel this compulsion and a sense of destiny and being attuned with the universe when it comes to writing. Is that a symptom of a delusion? I dont know what to think some days.

I guess I cant hope to find other people who feel this way. I’ve hoped, and as of yet haven’t found other writers who seem to have this weird perspective and obsession and maybe even delusion with their writing. And yet I hope. I feel lonely, a lot, so isolated with my writing. It’s not the only way I connect with people, but unless someone dips into this part of me, do they know me at all? Will I ever find that I am not alone in this weird feeling?

No Chaos?! \O.O/ Where is Chaos?

No Chaos here, no Chaos there – it’s like *gasp * things got organized!

Hahaha, let me laugh at my own joke!  Alright, seriously though, where is Chaos?

I uh, I don’t know (so insightful, right?). I’m just the author! I’m not really the one in charge around here!

Well, let me explain. I’ve been well and not these past few days. Half the day goes well, then half the day not so much. But ah! Let us be thankful that there is at least that much. I am glad for the progress that I’ve done, and for the stuff that’s getting done around my home. Like, for example, I’ve moved the last of our chord of wood from the front porch to the back lawn of our little home. Now I can sit on the front porch and enjoy the sun. 🙂

But what about the writing?! Where is Chaos?!

Well, I’ve been writing, very well actually. I’ve been doing about two thousand words a day at least, if not more! And the plot is going so well and the characters are behaving and *gasp!* it’s going well!

It’s just not in Chaos’ story. Nope, I’ve been working on Ranger’s story. It’s a story that I’ve ranted about before, and it really means so much to me. I’m so so glad that it’s coming along well, but I also feel bad for you all. I have been trying to get around to Chaos’ story, but Kuryo’s part is just – gah.  I’m not sure. I’ve written a bit, but I’m not sure I’ll keep it. I might post it after this, just like I might write more tonight. But as of now, there’s no fun and juicy bits for y’all to read!

So I’m sorry. My apologies, y’all.

I’ve also been working on that fuckin’ new story. Y’all, I’m getting frustrated with it. I keep writing, thinking that I’m on to it, that it’s about to start flowing, and then bam! I don’t like it. It’s just not right. I like to think that I’m getting closer but eh. I’m not sure. I definitely need a sort of jump-start or some sort of insight/butt kick to get this story working. It’s just not right yet. I’ll get there, I’m sure… eventually?

Anyways, here is a (spoiler free) picture I’ve drawn for Ranger’s story. I call it (very poetically) ‘Dancing with your Demons’. Like I’ve said before, I’m not going to be posting this story in the raw, it’s just too complicated and might require lots of editing (and I care too much about it to share it in ugly form). That being said, I WILL post free chapters of it once it’s done!

So, here below, we see Ranger in her natural element, that is, surrounded by the strange spirit that lurks around her. Who is this spirit? What does it want? Why does Ranger like it? Gasp! Tension! Drama! All that and more… brewing in this future book! (which remains unnamed, btw)ranger monster1.jpeg

So, I’m off to continue hacking away at this keyboard and trying to be a writer. You all take care! Have lots of rest and drink water 🙂

Writing Rant about Autism

Hey everyone! I just wanted to say hi and to let everyone know that I am slowly recuperating from my low. I am no longer bed-confined, but I am still not able to summon the mental strength to exercise. However -> I’m still able to write and draw!

Now first things first, I wanted to say a big thank you to this lovely blogger  who went above and beyond answering my questions about autism. You see, I have very limited experience of autism. When I was young and in my little family/cult time, I heard of autistic relatives who had married into my mothers family as being horrible, incapacitated, and just not trying hard enough. Of their autistic children as being babied. Then, coincidentally, other autistic relatives were given private tutors and taught how to train their minds and won major university scholarships. Either way, they were vilified.

When I was in college, my mother bought me the book ‘The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time’. This book amazed me and I remember wishing that I could write something that unique, something that really opened up a world – in someone’s mind. It was a fun thought, but I never actually thought I’d have an autistic character one day. It just seemed too difficult and beyond my reach.

But then, about two or three years ago, I had this dream. After waking up, I drew the characters, knowing that if I did draw them out, it was a sort of pact with the characters in my dream that I would tell their story. Well, I did begin writing it, but the project was laid aside at exactly 30,000 words. I just didn’t feel inspired to write it any more. Years have passed, and it now has a shoddy title, but ‘The Attack of the White Clouds’ is now my central working piece! Yay me for keeping my promises to otherworldly beings!

Now, again, I’d like to bring the topic back to autism. I didn’t set out to make the main character autistic. She just was… showing strong symptoms? Seemingly incapable of speech no matter how I tried? The point here being -> the character is the way that she is, and I’m no expert in portraying autism. I’ve done pitifully little research and know practically nothing about it. So I really hope that I portray the character well, all while not screwing up a representation of autism.

I would also like to point out that, yes, there will be characters  (I’m looking at you, Ch-) who mistreat the main character due to her condition. This isn’t meant to be upsetting, but rather to make a point about how people can discriminate and vilify those who are autistic.

That being said, I hope you all enjoy the story! Do let me know what you think of it!

The End of Chaos as We Know It! \O.O/

So, I was laying in bed last night, daydreaming about my novels (as authors do when they’re bored and/or insomniac) and  I was all “Yes, hmmm this and that happens next” and then I was all “Oh yeah, that too, which means X and Y, which then… means Bla.” “Bla”, in this case, being the end of Chaos’s story. Which HOLY SHIT -> means the end of the story is nigh if it all unfolds that way!

Now, brace yourself. Things do not usually unfold the way I dream them up (otherwise there would be much more porn in this story and much less random shenanigans. It would be boring, really!). But if they DO -> it’s the end of Chaos’s story. Which, by the way, there were no signposts or warnings telling me that it was about to happen. I was as shocked as you probably are. I mean, I thought I had a whole other novel to crank out with Chaos, but – no? Maybe not? This might be the end in the next few writing sessions!

Why am I telling you this? Well, because if it shocked me, as the writer, I was worried that too abrupt of an ending might shock you, the readers. After all, I usually gauge my tension level in a book by how far in I am to the ending, and take the last few pages left as a sort of warning. But here there is no last few pages, there is just your trust in me not dropping the ball and leaving you all hanging. And to be honest, I found it hard to face the ending of this novel. It was quite the shock in the middle of the night to realize the story might actually almost be over! So, I worried that it might be a bigger shock to anyone out there who was in a fragile state while reading.

Don’t worry, it’s not a horrendous ending. I actually kind of think of it as a happy, albeit twisted, kind of ending. That is, if everything goes as it plans in my head. Which it may very well not, by the way.

So, consider this a fair warning! The story may or may not be nearing its end. Chaos and Kuryo are very much in charge of that, as well as one other character who has been very active behind the scenes (oh, who is it? Suspense!)!

And, really, don’t worry. I have another  very strange story that I really want all of your feedback on, so I’d be posting that here if Chaos’s story does end. I should also be editing Kuryo’s but eh, editing is so boring and I just never get around to posting it unless I’ve just written it! Anyways, there will be plenty of stories either way 🙂

Finally, my wife just taught me that you can scan your sketches in ‘black and white’ mode, which completely gets rid of two problems I was having with my drawings and thereby blew my mind. So, behold! Another sketch of Kuryo for your pleasure.

While drawing this, I thought that if I was to give my characters passive-aggressive  names, I’d definitely call Kuryo ‘not as stupid as he seems’. The dude is wiser than Chaos (whose name might me ‘more clueless than they seem’) by miles, that’s for sure, and I really like how his character has matured from the beginning of “Dreaming of Lights”. Anyways, I will hopefully be posting another chapter of Chaos’ story tonight, so look forward to that!

kuryo bw1.jpeg