Depression and Writing

Depression is hitting me hard. I think it’s my symptom/condition that I have the hardest time accepting. It’s not glamorous, it’s never fun and never makes you feel special. It always makes me feel like I’m worthless and useless. As an author, this preys on my natural beliefs.

You see, I tend to see myself as a vessel for my stories. But combined with my depression, I feel like nothing BUT a vessel. I feel like I’m nothing without them.

The sad truth is that writing is my whole life. It’s me. It’s been my refuge since childhood, where it suddenly filled a void within me that hurt so badly until then. Ever since I started writing, my days rotate around it. As a kid, I would squeeze it in whenever, would draw my characters everywhere, and obsessed over them.

Now, I wake up thinking of my novels. I spend my mornings wondering what I’ll do until I get the chance to write. My whole day is just spent waiting until the right time to write. I know I dont have the mental energy to write all day, but I wish I could. Already I love writing 5 hours a day, and feel bad if I “waste” even one of those hours not hammering out words.

I know this isn’t healthy, but it is what it is. My writing is my life. The only other thing more important is my wife and my relatives. Literally, unless it’s a basic need, everything else feels secondary. I dont want to travel, I dont want a career, I just want to be good at writing and do my stories justice. I want to accomplish what this drive in me is calling for.

But when depression hits, as it does now, I cant write. Every word hurts, I cant think, and then everything that makes me ‘me’ seems to crumble away. What use am I if I cant write? Not being able to write for even one day is a terrible blow. What if my stories are terribly written? What good am I if i can’t get my stories out there properly, to those who need to read them? I know it sounds dramatic, but not being able to write feels like a poisonous sin that will destroy me.

I know, in some way, that my belief of me being just a vessel for writing is bad for me. I need to see myself as more. But how do I do that? It’s like seeing yourself beyond an addiction, in some way.

And then, what’s wrong with this view, if it gives me purpose and value, even in some small way? I know I should see myself as more, but what if I dont feel like more? I feel like so much in my life just points towards writing, and like it’s the cornerstone of my life. Where would I be without it?

I know, in some factual way, that I am a person without my writing. I’ve experienced that, by having my spiritual projects. But… I just feel like more with my writing. I feel this compulsion and a sense of destiny and being attuned with the universe when it comes to writing. Is that a symptom of a delusion? I dont know what to think some days.

I guess I cant hope to find other people who feel this way. I’ve hoped, and as of yet haven’t found other writers who seem to have this weird perspective and obsession and maybe even delusion with their writing. And yet I hope. I feel lonely, a lot, so isolated with my writing. It’s not the only way I connect with people, but unless someone dips into this part of me, do they know me at all? Will I ever find that I am not alone in this weird feeling?


  1. emberbear says:

    Hi Michael, I’m sorry to hear that your depression is returning. I hope it’s temporary. Actually, I do understand what you are saying. Until very recently, writing has been key to my life. When I was working full time, I still wrote for a couple of hours in the evening and once I wrote an entire book in a week, working all day.

    I say ‘working all day’ because writing is work. Yes, it’s enjoyable, but it’s also exhausting. I wonder if you have just exhausted yourself by writing your brilliant Chaos series and now you need a holiday.

    I am currently taking a holiday from everything, including WordPress, and spending most of the time reading and watching Netflix. I feel absolutely no guilt about it and I’m thoroughly enjoying myself. I hope that you can also give yourself permission to take a complete break and just relax. πŸ˜πŸ’–

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Michael says:

      Thanks for your insight, (and for calling chaos brilliant, teeheheheh). I really should follow your advice and take better care of myself. I’ve been trying since reading your post to put less pressure on myself (though I still catch myself thinking I want to write 5 thousand words a day…) but I agree, I’m probably wearing myself out. I’m trying ot give myself permission to relax, but it’s just so hard! Thanks for caring ❀


      1. emberbear says:

        Hi Michael, thank you so much for letting me know that my comment was helpful and I hope relaxing starts to come to you more easily. I am really enjoying my break from everything except for taking care of my family, which is a pleasure, so you won’t see any more comments from me for a while. But, yes, Chaos is brilliant and I really enjoyed it. πŸ˜πŸ’–

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Michael says:

        Enjoy your rest! πŸ™‚ I hope you enjoy it, and I look forward to hearing from you whenever you want to!

        Liked by 1 person

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