The Problem with Sanity

Let’s be honest -> I got the title for this article before the idea for it. The title just popped into my head and I was like “wait, what’s wrong with sanity?” but the line bugged me so I thought on it.

And lo and behold, I discovered things that I don’t quite like about sanity (and the process of becoming sane again). Here we go!

  1. You feel normal. Now this isn’t a bad thing in the sense that feeling normal helps you interact with the average person in a better way. But damn… it’s surprisingly hard on the ego. To go from feeling special and ‘extra spiritual’ and having all these amazing wordless experiences to… nothing and feeling in commune with the average person you used to look down on? Ouch, my ego. It can feel like losing a magical cape, your ‘you’ and uniqueness.
  2. No more ecstasy for you. This one was really, really, hard on me. I used to get ecstatic out of nothing, literally, I could just lie back and bask in ecstasy during my episodes. And that’s now completely gone. Even when I have a major episode, ecstasy as I used to experience it is always out of reach. Which leaves me functional, but bored and missing my natural ‘high’.
  3. Real life is fucking stressful. Now that I’m no longer cruising through life only half-aware of what’s happening around me – damn! It’s like waking up from a coma and realizing that all your paperwork is out of order. And that no one mowed your lawn. Now that I am aware of things, I realize my failures and actually care because I’m not lost in ecstasy.
  4. No more secret languages/unique experiences. This ties closely in to #1 and #2, but it’s so distinct and was such a surprise for me that it deserves it’s own point. Music used to speak to me. It used to be a language. It used to make me cry and bring me to near-ecstasy if I focused. And I thought it was normal. Imagine my shock when I realized it had gone away? This whole language, this whole way of relaxing – just sucked out of my life. With it went the sensation of flying too, by the way. No more free flights for me.
  5. You really end up questioning yourself and your past experiences. Now when I consider things I’ve done and experienced, I can’t help but wonder what is/was a symptom. Things that the average person can just assume is ‘psychic’, I got the fun of wondering if it was just my symptoms going screwy. Like, the feeling of hands touching my back. Divine intervention/comfort? Symptom? Who knows, and … the uncertainty can be a pain in the ass.
  6. You become more logical, and you suddenly care more about rules. Before, I had a hard time caring about coloring within the lines because a) too busy being in ecstacy to care b) didn’t understand why it was important. Now that I have a better grip on social functionings, I’ve started being less ‘free’ in my judgments. I’ve started seeing the social lines delineating things. It changes who I am and how I react and care.
  7. And finally, I had to rebuild my entire life lens. The way you function and the way you experience the world has changed. It sucks, but I found it for the better. That doesn’t mean it’s not a scary experience though.

3 Comments

  1. Varian says:

    *nods in agreement with much of this*

    Since getting on Seroquel (thank the King of Shattered Conscious for that medication) I’ve stopped most of my dissociating, and I’ve stopped feeling “shattered”…but that suddenly meant that I was plunged into life Here. It was like a bucket of cold water, being Here all the time instead of half out of my mind with dissociation–but while life fully lived Here has been an adjustment, I find that I’m beginning to enjoy it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Michael says:

      I’m so glad to hear you could relate, and that you’re beginning to enjoy life on your medication! Life is meant to be enjoyed 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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