The other day I made a mistake. Things had been going so well with my new medication, and I wanted them to keep going that well- and even better! Having been feeling a little lethargic of late (a side effect of one of my medications) I tried taking a vitamin B-boosting multi-vitamin.
Oh my. What a mistake. Several days after stopping taking them, I am still recuperating and only now beginning to feel like I am back on my feet. It completely threw my medications out of whack! Who would have guessed?I would have never thought that a vitamin supplement could have derailed my medication! It makes sense, because B-12 certainly does affect the mood and brain chemistry. In retrospect, it shouldn’t have been such a surprise but it was. What made it worse was … me.
Of late, now that I’ve acheived a higher level of functioning I’ve begun to cling to it. I demand from myself that I feel good. I know that it can happen- so I’d better do it! So the moment that things went wrong, I got very miserable. I blamed myself, and felt like I was loosing all the headway that I’d made. It feels like now that I’ve regained functioning I’m terrified of losing it. I got depressed, and questioned if I really was going to stay stable and functional.
Thankfully, things got better. The effects have worn off and life is sliding back into it’s proper focus. Despite all the anxiety induced disaster scenarios that ran through my mind, I’ve continued with my projects and things have gone well. Now that I am on stable ground so to speak, it gives me time to reflect on what happened.
First, I must be a lot more careful of my intake of vitamins. I’ve already been careful of my caffeine and torrine intake, but vitamins? (see, I’m still shocked at this!).
Second, I must practice on being detached from my symptoms. I know that they are not me, I know that they come and go and that ultimately I live in a flux. Yet I’ve begun clinging to my functioning and the success of my projects and it’s not only unhealthy but I find it also un-spiritual. How is it unspiritual?
Well, I believe in non-harming and respecting the flow of nature. Harming ourselves, whether by judging or being harsh is causing harm. Mental illness is part of nature, and I believe respecting it’s limits to be part of respecting myself but also respecting the more ‘ugly’ and destructive aspects of nature. Maybe the next time my condition forces me to rest I will take it as a sort of winter-like pause. A breathing period for me, just like winter lets the earth rest. Maybe the next time I cannot do something, it will be like the edges of a river guiding me towards my destination… or a mountain in my way that I simply have to walk around. Thankfully I have Lightning there to help me do this walking…
Has anyone else had a bad run-in with vitamins? Anyone else cling to your functioning/put too much pressure on yourself? I’d love to hear about it!